How to embrace life after trauma

[ColourfulCircles]

Trying so hard to embrace life, look for the joy and be grateful after a traumatic time. Life has changed beyond imagination and although I go through periods of feeling positive I inevitably end up back at feeling just so terribly sad. I don’t want to feel this way. Any suggestions on how to stay upbeat would be appreciated.

I’ve just seen this thread so don’t know what they said, but the number of deleted posts looks awful and I hope you are OK as you can be @ColourfulCircles

My friend is in a very similar situation of unavoidably losing custody of her child, through absolutely no fault of her own and very much against her will. A combination of an abusive DH and really really unfortunate circumstances for her. We can only continue to hope her DC will grow up and come back to her. If we remind each other how much (we have known each other since we were little DC ourselves!) we matured at those ages and how our lives and feelings developed and changed in those years ourselves, it seems to help a little as it’s rooted in fact.

In the meantime, all I can offer her is my friendship and genuine love and I show it to her all the time. It helps her a little. Do you have anyone in your life who you are very close to, to support you this way? I know my next suggestion may sound as insensitive and trite as people who just blithely say “why don’t you adopt?” to people suffering from infertility, but bear with me…

My friend is suffering from a lack of love in her life. She isn’t able to show/give her love to her DC and she (at the moment, but hopefully in future she will) isn’t receiving the love she would expect to have in your life from her DC. I genuinely love her and she knows it, but it isn’t enough - how could it be? All I can do is try and compensate in some way to make up that deficit in her life. She herself got a dog as she knows it will help her, so whilst I don’t want to come across as offering a plaster to someone losing a limb, do you have or would you consider a pet? I hate dogs and would love kittens or cats instead but each to their own! I can see how a dog helps her have not just something to show love to, but gives her the routine of caring for it which is beneficial. Apparently her dog also shows her a lot of love back (I wouldn’t expect that from a cat ) Apparently it’s also very affectionate physically which is comforting for her.

There can never be a replacement for her DC, but we do all we can to give her a life with as much love in it as possible. In fact I know you started this thread for advice and support for yourself, but if you can think of anything a friend could do which would help you, please do post as I will take it on board for my friend.

I really really feel for you and can’t think of anything else to say except that you’re not alone.

That took me so long to type I cross posted with the last one and the idea of caring for orphaned hedgehogs sounds so…I can’t think of the correct word. Adorable or cute sounds trite - fulfilling maybe? Generous, or caring perhaps. It’s something I have never heard/thought of and I can see how wonderful it could be for someone, as well as so good for the hedgehogs of course. I may look into it myself. Thank you @fourelementary

Awww I’m glad it didn’t come across trite from me- as if a hedgehog sanctuary could replace kids. But I was trying to say (and it seems you felt it) that redirected live can still be love… and we can be fulfilled to some degree despite not having the original object of our affection available for whatever reasons. ❤️

Yes, I have a great job which I find v fulfilling and great colleagues. I also have an adorable cat and good friends. I’m v grateful for so much in my life. It’s just so hard at times to live alongside the grief. Someone pointed out it’s unresolved and I think that is part of the problem. I need, somehow to learn to accept it.

Thank you; so much good advice. I love the idea of parenting orphaned hedgehogs 😁

I didn't think it was possible for children to not want to know a loving parent, especially as they get older. Sadly I do know of a case.

I think you are doing amazingly. Do you still initiate contact even if it's not reciprocated?

I also missed the deleted posts, thankfully. I guess it’s the risk of posting on a public forum, you get a range of views, however most people have been v lovely and helpful, so thank you.

i’m so sorry to hear about your friend who’s situation sounds not dissimilar. You sound like you’re already being an amazing friend. I’m lucky too to have wonderful friends. Things they do that help me are:

Send me lots of affirmations and positive memes.
Reassure me constantly that I can talk about my situation as much as I need and they will listen.
Invite me to some family events which make me feel included. One friend always invites me to her daughter’s dance shows and I love that.
i help the son of one of my friends for an afternoon a month with his GCSEs (I used to be a teacher) while she cooks dinner and then I eat with the family, feels so nice.
Being remembered at Christmas and Bank holidays and checked in on is lovely.

i would love a dog but too difficult living on my own, I do have a cat. I look after friends’ dogs sometimes so I get my fix!

Sadly parental alienation is real and over the last five years I have met quite a few mums (and dads but less so) who, along with their children, have been alienated by an abusive father who has weaponised the children for his own needs. The hatred felt for the mother trumps the needs of the child which is simply devastating for mother and children.

i do keep in contact but it is one way. I don’t reach out as often any more, it’s hard to know what approach to take tbh.

@ColourfulCircles there was only one poster who was unpleasant and they were challenged, the other deleted poster wasn’t hostile to you at all but if I remember was asking something about your location. I hope you find some peace going forward

Ah, thanks for explaining! That’s good to know. I do think I’ll get there, I’ve come a long way but it’s a big thing to get used to.

@ColourfulCircles, there are a few cases of parential alienation I'm aware of, including two I know personally. I would even go so far as to suggest I believe I know exactly what you are talking about.

You are a fantastic person. I see you and you have nothing, absolutely nothing, to feel guilty for. Not saying you do, but just in case.

You have already been through so much and oh how much better the world would be if the bad ones got their comeuppance and the good ones thrived. We sadly don't live in that world.

But we do live in one that is worth living in. We have to push for our own life worth living in. That's not to say family and friends can't help. They can be an absolute rock, but it is a personal path to tread.

It sounds like you have some great things going for you with the dance shows, cat and dogs! The tutoring in particular sounds brilliant and so lovely to be surrounded by love from others like that.

Like you say, it is a big thing to get used to, but you can get through this and nothing is insurmountable. The reading books by people who've been through great hardship sounds like a wonderful source of inspiration. We all need hope. You are carving out a new life for yourself, and however fucking harrowing that is for you, you can (and are) doing it.

Allow yourself to feel pain. But also, it's opposite. I'm not really sure what that is?! Love, joy, laughter. So many things that you owe it to yourself to find. We are with you here on this forum to help, alongside your friends.

Poor poor you. This must be so incredibly painful. Do you pay into their bank accounts at Christmas and birthdays, send birthday cards, do you like any of their instagram posts, do you have any access points at all?

Thank you TheWhoBird for your kind and wise words. I’m trying to work out who you might be! I feel very lucky with the support I have IRL and am v grateful for the support and loveliness on here too 🥰

Thank you Oblomov25. Unfortunately I don’t have details of their bank accounts. I do of course send child maintenance to their father. The only access point is post to their father’s address. They have blocked me on their phones and all social media accounts are private. I messaged my eldest on instagram but no response, you can only message once and then you need to be accepted as a friend. They absolutely do not want to engage, at all. As you say, it is incredibly painful. I have sent several letters to their address and used to send birthday cards but I have now stopped as it felt like I might be harassing them. Every year I do resend my contact details and remind them the door is and will always be open. I don’t know if they even receive my post. It’s so hard.

I have sent several letters to their address and used to send birthday cards but I have now stopped as it felt like I might be harassing them.
Send the cards. It’s up to them whether they open them or not, but still send them.

I'd be very worried they don't receive the post.

Can you send it to school or college instead? Do you still have parental responsibility? You could try and contact them through school. From what you've said I'd be worried they don't know you've tried to contact them.

On the three question - there is a book called The Reality Slap by Russ Harris which you may find helpful

The boys are still quite young. They will still be under the influence of their father. There is still hope that they will seek you out when they leave home and spend less time with him and learn more of the world.

I think about this a lot. It’s not that I don’t want to send cards, it’s more that I think they might come back to me if I’m respectful of their current position. I guess I don’t want to antagonise them by sending unwanted cards. Equally I don’t want them to think I don’t care, although have been pretty clear on that my love is and always will be unconditional.

School will not pass on communication, I’ve asked. I do still have parental responsibility for the under 18, not that it means anything in reality. I got school reports until sixth form when he was given a say. It does worry me that I’ve never had receipt of communications, but I’m powerless. I have exhausted all avenues for help. I've even met with my MP who was sympathetic and willing to speak in Parliament about parental alienation in general but unable to do anything in the short term about my specific case. I have accepted the status quo for now.

Thank you, I’ve read this book and some of his others. Good recommendation; he’s v readable and makes a lot of sense.

This is my deep hope. I’ve read widely on parental alienation and their alignment with him is about survival and perceived safety. In essence, they’ve been brainwashed. They’re unlikely to come back to me while financially and emotionally reliant on him. It may not be until they’re working and in a stable relationship that they have the capacity and desire to come back, if at all. I hope, but not too much.

I'm in a similar situation. My oldest won't speak to me and hasn't for a very long time. It's heartbreaking.
I know that I haven't been perfect but I also know that he's been misfed an awful lot of information.

How do I cope ? I try to not think about it because it's too painful. I don't talk to anyone how I feel about him and what's happened because I just get upset.

I message him regularly which he usually leaves me on read and ignores me.

I cling on to the hope that one day he will start asking questions. I'm incredibly close to the younger ones and I hope they tell him I'm
Not the monster he thinks I am.

My coping is to bury it away and try not to think about it because it's just too painful. Probably not healthy but I don't see any other way xx

I can only tell you that as someone in your children’s position it hurt to receive cards but it hurt a hell of a lot more when they stopped coming.

If they’ve asked you to stop that’s one thing but if you just don’t know whether they want then and whether they’re opening them or not then I personally would keep going.

I can’t tell you what your children would prefer though.