What would actually make you LTB?

[GiveDemARun]

If you’re in a long-term relationship with children and a house etc, what would actually make you LTB?

I’m curious as I’ve asked for advice here a few times when DP has done something to upset or annoy me (under different usernames so as to not out myself) and, true to MN nature, the (well-meaning) advice is often to LTB. DP and I are not married but have been together for almost 20 years and have two children. I’ve always thought LTB was extreme but sometimes I wonder if I just accept too much shit?

So, if you have a family with your DH or DP, what would be the push to make you LTB? Does being married impact that?

I think for me personally there are things that would be an immediate no, infidelity for example would be an immediate no.

But there are more things that actually although as a single event wouldn’t be, if continued for a long period of time would be. So not being appreciated, him not pulling his weight, arguing, disrespect, selfishness, as a single event wouldn’t be game over but if it was a pattern then it would be if that makes sense?

A relationship should make you happier, not sad, at the point the scales were tipping I’d be gone.

Honestly, the kinds of relationships so many people describe as normal on here would have me leaving without a second thought — unequal, unpleasant situations where household gruntwork is solely the woman’s problem.

That makes perfect sense! I think sometimes it’s difficult to tell whether it’s a “rough patch” or just generally shitty.m

ETA this was in response to @Mrsttcno1

Infidelity or if I felt very unhappy for a significant amount of time and had tried to tackle problems but wasn’t get anywhere. Relationships should add joy to your life not take it away. Married with 2 children for context.

What if household grunt work wasn’t an issue but was generally miserable and rude? Sorry I know it’s specific, I just can’t work out if I should still be here or not. I don’t want to LTB because our life works out well and I do love him (at least I think I still do), but he’s so rude all the time. Even when doing nice things, he’s rude about it. He could cook a lovely meal for us all and I’ll say “thanks, that was really nice” and he’ll just stare at me blankly or roll his eyes.

Consistently miserable and rude to me would be leaving time for me personally. Life is so short, I don’t want to spend mine with someone like that.

I couldn’t live with ‘miserable and rude’. Why do you think you still love someone who behaves this way towards you? What does he do that is in any way lovable?

I am in a very happy relationship of 24 years. We don’t really fall out about anything I expect we’ll be together forever.
However if he ever hit me or cheated on me there would be no second chances.

A lot. Life had got pretty miserable, but I just told myself that it would get better, it was just that he was working hard, and it was getting him down (which is why I took on even more load so he could go to the gym most days, go on weekends away etc. I really was an idiot).

What finally tipped it was seeing messages from a young woman along with pictures of the horrible bruises he'd given her (he was always very rough during sex) - asking when he'd be back to give her more. Luckily, my ducks were already in a row (since I managed all the finances, I'd always kept working, and I already did everything for the house and kids) so pulling the plug was upsetting of course, but the anger carried me through, and the kids didn't even notice for over a month (that's how little he did for/with them by that point)

It always seems so petty - to leave over dirty socks or no affection or whatever - I think it takes a big push in most cases where there's history and family.

All kinds of things. But then that’s probably why I’m in my 3rd marriage / long term relationship. I really won’t put up with any shit and would genuinely rather be on my own even if it means I have zero money etc. I left my dds dad when she was 6 months old (after we’d been together 5 years) because having dd with him made me realise how utterly selfish he was, so controlling and just generally horrible - things I had overlooked before having a child with him because we were both busy working full time etc.

I left my second dh because he had an affair with an ex he’d “reconnected with” on Facebook so that was lovely. Meant the beautiful house we had only purchased 6 months prior to that we had to sell and I ended up nearly £60k down.

I am now happily married 15 years and dh and I are a good match but I think a lot of that is we’re both easy going and understand each other. I wouldn’t put up with cheating, lack of hygiene, that sort of thing.

Cheating or any form of abuse towards me or our children would be instant, but other things I guess would need to build up, or be a combination of, so if he stopped working, was no longer an engaged parent etc.

An MNer once told me I was in an abusive relationship and at risk of death because he asked if I would help him iron a new duvet cover 🤣

Infidelity, abuse, if I was unhappy for a prolonged period and there was no attempt to improve things / communicate. I am married with shared properties and DC. I hope I never need to of course, but I am always prepared to walk away.

My bar is quite high but it’s an out in the open bar

Getting into dumb conspiracy theories, thinking men are above women, actually thinking he is better than other average humans. Not being able to debate or argue or voice an opinion or feelings or criticism for fear of his reaction. Not being able to laugh at ourselves. If he stopped being appreciative of my contributions or pulling his weight. Driving like a dick.

This is before we even touch on lying, selfishness, not putting the kids first, being tight with money, telling me what to do.

But none of this applies. Obviously because here we are. He messaged in one of his groups last week “you’ve met daisy do you think I have any control over that woman! :-)”

In a nut shell if either of us stopped being better together than separate, then we would split.

Any indication of violence/ abuse. Whilst it’s easy to say when you are not in it, I think having witnessed other people’s struggles to get out after not leaving from the initial warning sign, that’d be me gone.

Cheating would depend on the scenario tbh. Drunken one night stand? I wouldn’t throw away a whole life for. Full blown affair with all the lies and deception that go with it? Yeah, no. Off ya go 👋

If they were making life for me or the children worse, not better.

If I dreaded seeing them, bringing them with me somewhere.

Those cover all the specific examples I think.

What does he do that is in any way lovable?

I think it’s more his actions than anything. He always does things to put me and the kids first. I have a chronic illness and fatigue very quickly and he never complains about picking up the bulk. For example, he’ll get up extra early on his day off to do the big food shop so that I don’t have to. He does most of the cooking. Sometimes he’ll walk to work in the freezing cold for miles so that I can use the car for work, even though my workplace is much closer than his is.

On the flip side, he speaks so rudely all the time and even my family have started to notice it. It’s not only me he’s rude to, it’s everyone. Family, colleagues, strangers. Everyone. It’s starting to really impact our youngest too, in that it’s upsetting and also in mirroring his rudeness. I do wonder if his rudeness is just exhaustion from doing so much. I do my best to share the load but there are days when I just physically can’t and I always feel so guilty about it.

Have you spoken to him about his rudeness? Not in the heat of the moment but in a quiet moment. “I’ve noticed you’ve been quite rude/snappy for a while, like that time that you did x to me, or said abc to z. Is there anything going on that’s causing that?”.

see what the response is in the moment and if it improves things.

you need to ask yourself does the positive he brings to my life outweigh the negative?

it does sound tough to deal with. It’s really hard to make a decision this big. There is the question of whether you will regret leave or regret not leaving. It is really tricky, and something I’ve been grappling with for a while.

While my marriage was never abusive it was very unhappy. There were hundreds of times when I should have left, even though we did love one another.
He became very ill and I was his carer for several years before he died. It was a prison sentence.
I could have left when he left me sobbing on the kitchen floor to go to work when I was having a miscarriage.
I could have left him when our sex life was unsatisfying and I felt ashamed of my desires.
I could have left when he wasn’t encouraging and supportive in the sleep-deprived baby years, or when I didn’t get what I needed from him following a traumatic birth.
I could have left when I changed career in spite of him, rather than with his love and support.
I could have left him when he started screwing up at work.
I could have left him when he lied to me about being fired.
Then I couldn’t leave him!
I couldn’t leave him when he started hiding soiled underwear in our bedroom.
I couldn’t leave him when he started getting confused.

I couldn’t leave when his family started treating me like a slave; who had no rights, opinions or needs of my own and was there just to service his, and by extension theirs.

I couldn’t leave when he started falling, when he could no longer speak coherently and started lashing out in frustration. When he could no longer wash or dress independently or feed himself.

When he died I felt relieved. I’d mourned him already and it was like a prison sentence ending.

If your marriage is not bringing you joy and comfort it’s time to LTB! While you can!

To be fair OP he is doing a fuck of a lot.

No excuse for rudeness mind.

When was the last time you really talked to each other? Have you asked him how he feels? Does he feel more like your carer than a partner? Do you have any plans to work towards or are you just muddling by? Is there any romance, fun, laughter in your adult relationship? How old are you both?

Being honest if 10 years ago when we were late 30s with two barely primary kids if my H developed a chronic illness I would’ve found it hard. But we would’ve talked. Could I have done the next 30/40 years working, doing a lot in the house, putting his needs first everyday? Honestly I don’t know.

Maybe he is disappointed, resentful even how your lives are at the moment but can’t express himself and it is coming out as rude? Maybe.

You need to talk and listen to each other. What would you do, how would you feel if he said he wanted to split? Would you put that option to him or do you feel too dependent on him? Is there treatment, other options that you could try for your illness? Are you asking too much for him to do quite a fair bit and then be jolly with you at the end of his day? Could you be wanting to reassure yourself he doesn’t want to leave?

You need to talk. This is much more complex than an average relationship with two equally contributing adults.

I also accept a lot of shit and wonder when/if I'm going to reach my tipping point. It's like he knows when I'm about to snap and suddenly steps up - and then things are amazing for a while. It's a frustrating cycle that I'm having private therapy to tackle.

I miss him almost everyday, but when he hit me and said it was because I had made him angry I thought I had to go.
When I used to arrive home and stand outside my house thinking what kind of mood will he be in today. Will it be lovely or will he ignore me or be cross with me.
When I kept a large amount of cash and my passport in a hiding place, feeling more comfortable that I could flee.
When I told my friend over a coffee in the garden centre what was going on, quietly I thought, and a woman at the next table came and sat next to me and said get out now.
I still miss him every day.

And now I’ve finished typing my post I can see you’ve updated and there is a chronic illness at play in your lives, too. I’m sorry if I seem insensitive. If you are unhappy with him now, and you feel you could establish a life independent of him, do it while you can.

He is doing a lot. I’m working hard to make myself better (eating well, exercising, fluids, etc.) but I’m also the main breadwinner so I’m completely exhausted. I’ve had the illness since childhood though so he has always known about it. It’s been quite bad over the last year or so but I seem to be going back into remission now. Hopefully things will pick up.

Sorry I posted too soon. I have thought about him being resentful and have tried to have conversations with him several times about it. I have always said I understand if my illness ever gets too much for him and he’s adamant he loves me and doesn’t want to go anywhere. I just feel like I’m the cause of his misery and I hate it.

I’m not in your situation op.
I can’t think of a time when dh has ever been disrespectful or rude to me.
He does as much housework as I do.
If he ever spoke to me like it seams the majority of people speak to their partner, I would pull him up about it immediately. I would not tolerate living like that but then again I’m not dependant on dh for anything. Well, I would struggle with all the tech gadgets we have because dh does all of that. Otherwise I would rather live alone than live with some rude, ungrateful, disrespectful oaf.
I suppose this tolerance keeps the cycle going. Your sons learn behaviour directly from their father and so the cycle continues.
If I had young DCs with a man to whom I wasn’t married to the things that I would end the relationship over would include:
Violence of any kind
Infidelity of any kind
Him not pulling his weight with regards to childcare, education, housework.
Not feeling happy to be with him
Feeling I would be better off in any way without them.

No, it didn’t seem insensitive. I completely understand why someone wouldn’t want to feel like their partner’s carer.