Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Attitudes to underage/borderline relationship in the 90’s/noughties…wtf?!

256 replies

spinningbirds · 11/01/2025 21:18

In about 2001 when I was 16, I was training pretty seriously in a sport, helped a lot by a successful older girl in the sport (17/18). This older girl appeared to be in a relationship with her female ex-coach’s ex-boyfriend, (she’d met him when being trained by her ex-coach, a several years earlier.)

The boyfriend was by this time 35. She was just 18. I was 16.

Her very nice parents somehow (?!) came around to the relationship, which I now know had started when she was 14. The girl an d the boyfriend invited me and another girl (also 16, also heavily involved in the sport) to go on holiday with 2 of them; I’d never been abroad without my parents before. The 4 of us went to Lanzarote.

I think that by me and the other 16 year old being there too (we all shared a self catering flat) it made it their holiday somehow “ok’?!

I don’t have anything specifically bad about the guy to say, other than that he always treated me coldly, perhaps he knew I didn’t like him. On the first night of the holiday the other three agreed to have some drinks when we arrived. I declined, and asked for just coke… he put vodka in it anyway. I soon felt weird, and freaked out, not knowing I’d had alcohol; I hadn’t been drunk before. The three of them laughed their socks off at me, sat on the bathroom floor of the flat in confusion, feeling sick. Only a long time later that evening did they confess the trick. Haha.

Anyway the holiday was fine, the couple had separate bedrooms but engineered plenty of alone time…

24 years later, this whole thing makes me feel creeped out. What was my mum thinking sending me on holiday with a bloke nearly 20 years older than us? Were times so very different in 2001?

For the record, the couple are still together. My mum said today she think they actually started dating when the girl was 13. But they’ve built a life together now, so that’s ok, isn’t it..

Anyway the whole thing makes me feel creepy AF, does anyone else have crazy shit like this from 20 years ago/could you give me some therapy to feel less weird about it?!!!

OP posts:
FindingGlimmers · 12/01/2025 00:35

God I was born in 86 and my mum was an absolute lioness when it came to men. Going out with someone more than a couple of years older would simply never have happened. She’d have had his eyes out.

I can’t relate to these 90s mums all parading their young daughters to the men. It wasn’t my reality and it wasn’t my friends’ reality either.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 12/01/2025 00:45

When I was 17 I went out with a guy 10 years older. It didn't last but I have no regrets and I think he was far more emotionally intelligent and sensitive to my needs than a 17 year old would have been.

MidnightMeltdown · 12/01/2025 00:52

Attitudes have massively changed over the past 20 years. Research has shown that Gen Z are much less accepting of age gap relationships compared to older generations, and tend to see them as 'predatory', even when the younger partner is in their 20s.

I think that Gen X and baby boomers tend to be more tolerant of age gaps, probably because they were conditioned to accept all sorts of dodgy goings on in the 80s and 90s (lad culture, regular sexual harassment in offices etc). Maybe also because they are now likely to be the 'older adult' in the relationship and can't remember what it was like to be in their 20s 😂.

As a millennial, I feel like I'm somewhere in between.

MyrtleLion · 12/01/2025 00:53

About 10 years ago the 18 year old niece of a good friend who was 53 was in a relationship with her 38 year old teacher that started when she was 16 and at school. I mentioned it to my friend as being totally inappropriate and he should say something. He declined. Four years later they were living together and had been throughout her uni days.

I spoke to her and asked if he took her to school events as his partner. She said no. I pointed out that if he were genuinely her partner he could take her to these events. But if he had exploited her as a student he couldn't.

She protested it was love and she had seduced him. 18 months later she had broken up with him and told me that due to my conversation she realised she'd been groomed.

I just wish my friend had been able to say something. I think a lot of people don't want to rock the boat or don't think it's their place or their business.

fivebyfivebuffy · 12/01/2025 00:56

I was 16 in 2000

My friend when I was 15 was dating a teacher at our school. They're still together, happily married with 2 children
I dated a 19yo when I was 13

FaithFables · 12/01/2025 00:59

MyDeepZebra · 11/01/2025 21:45

Ugh...it was a pretty gross time.

I remember my mother and aunt both berating me and acting disgusted when "nice men" showed interest in me.

I was 15/16. The "nice men" were always around 40. I was told to "be nice. Don't be such a prude! You're a pretty girl, of course the man will be interested in you!"

A distinct memory was being 15, doing GCSE coursework for Geography in a local market (counting footfall across the day).

I weighed about 7 stone, was pretty "child like". The Security Guard was huge, well over 6 foot and about 38-45 and he kept coming up to me, standing in my personal space and asking me questions.

I was scared and explained I was doing my homework and wouldn't cause any trouble. As the day went on, he was basically my shadow and seemed quite angry at me for not engaging with him. He kept peering over my shoulder and trying to get me to give him my folder. When I moved away he'd stand and stare at me.
I got really scared and tearful and said,
"I'm just doing my homework for school,
please can you leave me alone? My Mum will be coming to collect me soon and then I'll go. I won't be any bother."

She arrived and found me in tears. I told her about the security guard and that I was scared I was in trouble and he might report me to the police for loitering. He approached her and asked for a word in private. I could see them chatting and her initially being angry then laughing and being all chatty and flirty even.

She told me she'd started by assuring him that I was a good girl and there was no reason to accuse me of anything as I wasn't a troublemaker.

Then she said he'd asked how old I was. She'd replied 15. He asked when I was turning 16 as he was hoping to take me for a date as he found me "very charming and beautiful" (bearing in mind, I was shit scared of him the whole time). He expressed that he hoped he could be my "first man friend", with my mother's permission and handed her his name and number to arrange all of this as soon as I was legal. Then expressed he wanted to take me out for dinner and wine, and to treat me properly, of course,
"my intentions are not to just merely seduce her. I will show her a good time and teach her about life. You don't want a pretty young woman like her in the hands of silly teenage boys, do you?"

She thought I should be overjoyed and happy about this. Flattered by the sexual interest from a man more than double my age who thought a nervous, shy teenager was his ideal mate. And she led him to believe it was all fine and she'd ensure I agreed to it as soon as I'd turned 16. It was my Dad that put a stop to it and tore up his number and threw it in the bin.

This was the year 2000. Vile.

I remember saying, "He's a slimy creep!!!"

and her saying "Don't be ridiculous! He's a charming Frenchman who wants to wine and dine you. You could do a lot worse for a first boyfriend. You're so up yourself and picky, there's only one place you are headed and that's the shelf!"

Show quote history

Jesus, your mum sounds insane! Teenage girls should absolutely "be in the hands of teenage boys" when it comes to dating! FFS!

username299 · 12/01/2025 01:05

Chesterdrawswalla · 12/01/2025 00:15

Sadly I think it was going on long after your parent’s generation had kids. And still is.

It just changes form. I was in my early 20’s in the noughties and in those days, it was all about Lad and Ladette culture, FHM etc.

At the time, women my age thought we were in on the joke, but looking back it was a particularly nasty time where laddish behaviour was glorified. ( for laddish read treating women like shit and objectifying them)

I personally think it’s as bad as ever - Andrew Tate, pick up artists etc. and look at the pressures on women to look a certain way. There’s a thread on here about fillers etc…women are more pressured than ever to please men. We just get duped that we are all going mad for Botox ‘for ourselves’.

Hardly any young women nowadays have pubic hair - who is that for? None of my friends give a shit about my fanny hair.

Show quote history

I was in my 20s during lad culture as well. It was all about women behaving like men with none of the perks. Sleaze was 'ironic' and sex work became 'empowering'.

jenevivech · 12/01/2025 01:21

I was thinking this just recently when rewatching old gavin and Stacey episodes. Smithy is clearly mid 20s and dating 17 year old Lucy - wouldn't fly today, even for the punchline!

FagsMagsandBags · 12/01/2025 04:55

MidnightMeltdown · 12/01/2025 00:52

Attitudes have massively changed over the past 20 years. Research has shown that Gen Z are much less accepting of age gap relationships compared to older generations, and tend to see them as 'predatory', even when the younger partner is in their 20s.

I think that Gen X and baby boomers tend to be more tolerant of age gaps, probably because they were conditioned to accept all sorts of dodgy goings on in the 80s and 90s (lad culture, regular sexual harassment in offices etc). Maybe also because they are now likely to be the 'older adult' in the relationship and can't remember what it was like to be in their 20s 😂.

As a millennial, I feel like I'm somewhere in between.

I'm gen x and I'm definitely not tolerant of older men dating teenagers. Yes, I saw dodgy stuff when I was a teen and dated older men, and in my twenties and thirties in the workplace, nights out, etc which is why I don't see it as something that is in anyway okay.

Nc261224 · 12/01/2025 07:23

Shegotatickettorideandshedontcare · 11/01/2025 22:16

Lost my virginity at 17 to a 22 year old. I remember going downstairs the next morning and having breakfast with him and his dad. The dad then dropped me off and told my boyfriend I seemed very nice, but far too young for him

Wow TBF the ages don't seem inappropriate in your case

DustyLee123 · 12/01/2025 07:25

I had boyfriends up to 10 years older in my late teens. There was nothing dodgy about them.

Usou · 12/01/2025 07:39

Going back to the 70s/80s, many teenaged girls would not look at boys their own age. They wanted blokes who worked, had cars, could take them to nice restaurants etc.

And they would brag about it.

Judgejudysno1fan · 12/01/2025 08:03

LostittoBostik · 11/01/2025 22:23

When I was 15 in 1997 I went on a night out in our nearby town to see a band and we met a bunch of lads in the bar who were working on a project nearby. I ended up snogging (retro term!) the younger one who was 19 but my friend pulled a guy who was 35. I felt weird about it at the time but also clearly remember thinking that I must be the problem for finding it strange.
When I look back now I am appalled. That guy could have had kids our age. We were so very obviously extremely young and naive.

Pretty sure the term snog is still used, it's a great word.

Original poster
spinningbirds · 12/01/2025 08:57

Oh my god, It’s actually horrific reading this, to think a parent could be so stupid/uncaring/lazy/unprotective. It’s cruel. You were massively let down. I think your rage is completely justified.

I hope you’ve found a way to some good talking therapy, and that you can forge the life you deserve, without those arseholes in it! Massive hug and solidarity x

OP posts:
ThatCleverFawn · 12/01/2025 09:01

Usou · 12/01/2025 07:39

Going back to the 70s/80s, many teenaged girls would not look at boys their own age. They wanted blokes who worked, had cars, could take them to nice restaurants etc.

And they would brag about it.

It was the same when I was at school. And they did tend to the girls who weren’t really all that academic.

Teenage pregnancies massively declined in the 2010s. Be interesting to see when and why that happened.

mummysontheginalready · 12/01/2025 09:14

I hope Mumsnet will be kind enough to let me tell this as its something I have kept in for years, sadly he is dead now or I would do something. i have no wish to slag my parents i am just saying.
when i was 15 a friend of dads stopped me one day basically he was telling me to be careful or I would end up in Birmingham Women' s hospital having my baby aborted. i was a young very young ugly dressed in old fashioned clothes girl of 15 could never imagine having a boyfriend. he said he was willing to discuss things with me if I wanted so he started picking me up when i was out dog walking; it progressed from sitting chatting to him persuading me to get in the rear of the car where i was made to touch him or he used his fingers on me.
my family found out i was given holy hell over it my sister stabbed and beat me but he kept ringing me making it out like we had to be together. one day after a bad incident i was due to meet him but when i got to his car and he realised i was running from my family he drove away and left me.
for a while i did not hear from him then i guess it was all part of the game he rang and said he would pick me up one afternoon when my parents were at work.
he took me to a common where i was raped. i bled heavily but had noone to turn to. as he had had what he wanted he dumped me i got in a lot of trouble ringing all sorts of people stopping just short of his wife asking where he was.
in the end I took a massive overdose only being found out when i fell downstairs on my way to the bathroom for a wee. i was taken to casualty to have my stomach emptied via charcoal drink.i know my father went to have it out with the man but they sat watching blue films instead.
life with my family was never the same i was raped at 17 lost a baby and was thrown out over that even though i had not asked for it. i was told i was brazen and a trap for men. i have never ever made a good decision over it being in several abusive marriages and relationships being used by dregs of society i have lost my children over it all i have had more counselling been to so many things and organisations but it seems i just cannot stop being a victim, i have PTSD BPD anxiety and depression i am in a very bad abusive relationship now but at 60 i cannot face starting again so i just put up with the punishment shouts screams abuse etc. i dont go out unless i am told i can i have a sort of relationship with my daughters they live about an hour away but its over a year since i was allowed to be taken to see them so thats breaking down again. no one knows what pain and loneliness is unless you are here

TwoShades1 · 12/01/2025 09:17

I was just thinking my parents weren’t at all like this. But I just remembered they were quite keen to set me up with 2 family friends one about 8 years older than me and another in his 30s, I was about 15 a the time and not remotely interested in what seemed to be a old man. I did get some attention for an 18 year old guy I knew through friends at about 15 and that didn’t seem too inappropriate, he definitely still seemed like a teen boy and not an adult.

LunaNorth · 12/01/2025 09:20

@mummysontheginalready

You poor woman. Please ring Women’s Aid, they’ll help you free yourself. You deserve to leave in peace and comfort after going through all that.

Hmmmmnotconvinced · 12/01/2025 09:55

I remember my best friend having what she called an affair with the husband of a couple she babysat for. He gave her a lift home and I remember in Maths she would write love letters to him and tell us about giving him blow jobs and kissing him in his car.

When that all ended she got involved with a chef from a pub she was waitressing at and she was only 15! He was 27!

He was really scary with piercing blue eyes and became very violent, she’d have bruises on her body and black eyes.

I remember being at a sleepover at her house with lots of 15 year old girls and she told us about a time where he locked the bedroom door at his house so she couldn’t sneak out and how she’d had to just wee into a mug because she was so desperate.

He ended up being jailed for attempted murder when he turned up at some guys house and shot at him through the window luckily not killing him.

Honestly, I always referred to this man as creepy peado and detested him and the idea of being with someone so much older but it’s now that I have a daughter of my own that I can really see what a criminal situation this was. Even our teachers knew she was collected by him at the end of the day.

My first boyfriend was 21 when I was 16 and I remember finding the boys my age very immature and a bit what we used to call ‘towny’ very laddy and into football, making sexist jokes and obsessing over football. When I met a guy who was funny, sensitive and not any of those things, I was smitten for a good while.

I still don’t feel weird about that relationship because he wasn’t coercive sexually, he was a great friend and eventually after some time, the first person I had sex with.

The main problem was that I was so young that my emotional regulation wasn’t fully sorted. Being undiagnosed adhd and my frontal lobe not fully formed, in arguments I’d become way too upset and depressed. I imagine he found me a pain and n the arse after a time. The drama of it all! The Pill also changed me and I didn’t have the vocabulary to understand that it was the pill making me feel so awful all the time.

One particularly small girl in my form group was 13 and used to talk at school about having anal sex with an 18 year old. She eventually got pregnant and had to have an abortion. Trauma all round.

Not to mention my friend’s dad trying to have sex with me when I was 15 and when I spent a whole night refusing, he had sec with my little sisters 14 year old friend. She thought it was consensual but at that age and when plied with alcohol, it was not. Her parents were annoyed but no charges pressed.

I look at all of these examples (in a very middle class town) and am glad we are all so much more aware of the wrongness.

Changeitup81 · 12/01/2025 09:59

Remember being in year 8 (so we were 12/13) in the mid 90s and a girl in our class going out with an older boy (I think 17/18). They definitely had sex and I remember all of her friends joking about it and giving his penis a nickname 🤮 And this was a middle-class grammar school.

Regarding parents' views, I think maybe part of it was a historic attitude to women being written off if they hadn't settled down by late teens/early 20 and obviously it used to be common place for people to get married in their early 20s.

My own parents gave me a huge complex about the fact that I hadn't had a boyfriend by the time I was 16/17/18. (My younger sister had been having boyfriends since she was 13). They were honestly very worried about it and it definitely contributed to me thinking that there was obviously something wrong with me.

Persista · 12/01/2025 10:28

spinningbirds · 12/01/2025 08:57

Oh my god, It’s actually horrific reading this, to think a parent could be so stupid/uncaring/lazy/unprotective. It’s cruel. You were massively let down. I think your rage is completely justified.

I hope you’ve found a way to some good talking therapy, and that you can forge the life you deserve, without those arseholes in it! Massive hug and solidarity x

Thank you x
Yes I have had lots of therapy which has been incredibly useful, and going low contact with my parents has been a huge relief.
I have a good life and an excellent relationship with my two children who are now young adults. I am so thankful that my daughter has never had an experience like this and I have always made sure that I have the kind of relationship with her that she knows that she is not obliged to do anything a man says and that she can tell me anything. I also speak to my son about consent and how he should treat girls etc. I see keeping my children safe - and making my children safe - as the most fundamental part of being a mum, and it amazes me that I wasn't awarded what is surely the most basic right of every child.
Thanks for starting this thread - reading about all the experiences has been bloody sobering, to be honest.
It's just not good enough is it?
Solidarity to you and to all survivors on this thread x

Daisyvodka · 12/01/2025 10:50

WillimNot · 11/01/2025 22:29

I met my now DH was I was 18 and he was 31. At the time, I was engaged to someone else who was a year older but he was violent and abusive (and he was secretly gay). DH was an older friend of one of my friends and I think with my friends being entirely clueless on what to do to help me with the fiancee and his violence as I wasn't in contact with family, the friend introduced me to DH and had spoken to him about my fiancee.

Our DD is turning 18 soon, and I thought about it the other day, how would I feel if she brought home someone 13 years older. I think if I'm honest I'd be dubious as to why a 31 year old would be interested in an 18 year old which is obviously uncomfortable because of DH and I.

As for the girl your DD knows, if they've genuinely been together since she was 14 and he was 31 then no, that isn't OK, that's grooming and I wouldn't want my 16 year old around him.

I'm so curious - if you don't mind me asking, have you and DH ever discussed it since, in the context of your daughter? Has it made you look at your DH differently at all?

MrsSethGecko · 12/01/2025 10:58

One of my best friends in school didn't turn up for a week or so and then her sister told the school she'd had a baby.
She'd kept it a secret until she went into labour.

It was her mum's friend's, who told everyone he was her "boyfriend" when the baby appeared. He was 27 and she was only just 14.

He moved in with them! and she never came back to school. The teachers either laughed about it or said Well, she had it coming, she was always like that and what did she expect?

Ohnonotmeagain · 12/01/2025 11:01

Dh’s ex was 16 and him 22 when they started going out.

he’s a “nice” bloke and wasn’t really into her, he liked her, and he got on well with her family. They’d known each other a long time through a hobby. He admits he was weak and when she was love bombing him he started to think maybe it was love. He just wanted to settle down and have kids. Which they did when she was 22.

when she was 29 she decided she was “too mature” for him and moved on to an even older bloke.

i had a lot of friends like this at school. An older boyfriend reflected positively on them, they felt it made them look grown up and mature compared to their peers. It was all about them, and quite a few of them admitted it was all about the car and money, and the potential for a big wedding.

Talesfromtheriverbank · 12/01/2025 11:06

A few references in this thread to the fact that these things were happening in a ‘nice middle class town’. Class has nothing to do with whether someone is predatory or not.