Attitudes to underage/borderline relationship in the 90’s/noughties…wtf?!

[spinningbirds]

In about 2001 when I was 16, I was training pretty seriously in a sport, helped a lot by a successful older girl in the sport (17/18). This older girl appeared to be in a relationship with her female ex-coach’s ex-boyfriend, (she’d met him when being trained by her ex-coach, a several years earlier.)

The boyfriend was by this time 35. She was just 18. I was 16.

Her very nice parents somehow (?!) came around to the relationship, which I now know had started when she was 14. The girl an d the boyfriend invited me and another girl (also 16, also heavily involved in the sport) to go on holiday with 2 of them; I’d never been abroad without my parents before. The 4 of us went to Lanzarote.

I think that by me and the other 16 year old being there too (we all shared a self catering flat) it made it their holiday somehow “ok’?!

I don’t have anything specifically bad about the guy to say, other than that he always treated me coldly, perhaps he knew I didn’t like him. On the first night of the holiday the other three agreed to have some drinks when we arrived. I declined, and asked for just coke… he put vodka in it anyway. I soon felt weird, and freaked out, not knowing I’d had alcohol; I hadn’t been drunk before. The three of them laughed their socks off at me, sat on the bathroom floor of the flat in confusion, feeling sick. Only a long time later that evening did they confess the trick. Haha.

Anyway the holiday was fine, the couple had separate bedrooms but engineered plenty of alone time…

24 years later, this whole thing makes me feel creeped out. What was my mum thinking sending me on holiday with a bloke nearly 20 years older than us? Were times so very different in 2001?

For the record, the couple are still together. My mum said today she think they actually started dating when the girl was 13. But they’ve built a life together now, so that’s ok, isn’t it..

Anyway the whole thing makes me feel creepy AF, does anyone else have crazy shit like this from 20 years ago/could you give me some therapy to feel less weird about it?!!!

@MyDeepZebra I found your story quite odd until you got to the bit where he was French! Openly perving over teen girls is still relatively normal here. DD2 is 15, five feet tall and looks maybe 12, and it happens to her all the time. Male teachers can even be quite flirtatious, although it tends to be with the older girls who appear more obviously developed and sophisticated, for want of a better word. Oh, and Miss World is still a thing, and people (well, old people) are always surprised that I don't watch it and that it isn't a thing in.the UK! In attitude, it's basically still like living in that Carry On film where the humourless feminist June Whitfield character was burning her bra in protest.

I was 14 when I went out with a 19 year old.

I remember my parents faces when I brought him home, my dad sent me up stairs and made him sit down in the front room with my mum and gave him a proper grilling and rules to be obeyed.

i was still allowed to see him though, only lasted a couple of months.

looking back I can’t believe how normal it all was. Some of my friends had older boyfriends. One girl at 14 went out with with a lad who was 23, for years. We all thought it was cool at the time, he had his own car, a job etc but Jesus Christ now it’s as dodgy as hell.

it makes me feel sick thinking of my teens with older men, but it was more normalised back then (late 80s, early 90s)

Name changed for this one. I have mixed feelings about large age gaps. Obviously, older men targeting vulnerable young girls is a definite no-no but not all relationships with large age gaps automatically be regarded as a problem. I think it really depends on whether there is a power imbalance which is abused - this doesn't necessarily happen in all relationships where there is a large age gap.

It's almost certainly for the best if societal judgements about age gaps err on the side of caution to protect potentially vulnerable youngsters from predatory older partners, but this doesn't mean that all relationships with large gaps should be judged negatively, and I find this idea that it's the age gap that creates the ick, rather than the nature of the specific relationship itself very censorious and I actually think it's sad that this means that some relationships which could've been brilliantly fulfilling, fun, loving, mind expanding, etc won't happen.

I was 15 when I met my 23yo boyfriend, I had been going out to the local bars/clubs for a good year before we started dating (he was my first boyfriend). We were together for a couple of years before the relationship ended, which broke my heart.

I had an absolute blast for most of that time - the relationship soured because I was needlessly jealous in the end - and I was treated with respect and love. We had similar interests and taste in music, he whisked me away for weekends where we danced and had great times with friends.

He gave me access to a brilliantly fun and exciting lifestyle that I couldn’t have had at that time by myself, changing my aspirations, and setting me up for life. He was a decent and genuinely kind bloke who made me feel interesting, desirable and independent.

I haven’t seen him since not long after we broke up, and it took a good year to get over my broken heart. I have nothing but good feelings about it looking back.

That relationship was so good for me, I was really lucky to have had it. So I feel sad that girls like me might not have the opportunity for a relationship like that. I can see though that I was probably really lucky, because it wasn't an exploitative relationship or if it was, we were both beneficiaries. The age old trade-off of youth/beauty and age/power/money.

I’m glad you have happy memories and it was a good relationship, but I just can’t get over the fact that a 23 year old went out with a 15 year old and thought it was ok.

i also understand that if you were going to clubs, you would’ve looked relatively old for your age and passed for an 18 year old, but I can’t imagine at 23 asking a 15 year old boyfriend about his homework, or teachers he disliked from school!

I do think that men aren’t as mature as women, but 8 years at that age is a huge gulf. I remember as an 18 year old uni student feeling out of my depth with 22 yr old post grads who acted like men.

I think you were lucky that he was a decent - if immature- bloke, but while im not surprised you saw the attraction as a 15 year old, I do find it weird that an adult man would not get the ‘ick’ when he realised he was chatting up a 15 year old. ( and I’m sure you were gorgeous!)

You would’ve been too young to have sex at that age. At 15, I’d be expecting teenagers in healthy relationships to wait for months before having sex. ( I know that often doesn’t happen!)

by 23, it’s perfectly normal to have sex after a first date and be comfortable about it.

so why would a 23 year old pass up the opportunity to have an adult relationship with someone his age, rather than go back to teenage romance, 1st base /2nd base etc.?

because as a 23 year old he could strut his stuff and money in front of a naive 15 year old. Also, it's not that big an age difference. It's not like he was 33. Still, (and I'm contradicting myself here) what did they talk about? .

@Illegally18 I think that’s the issue I have with age gaps when the younger one is very young/under age. There is no benign, or positive reason why a grown man would want to be in a relationship with a 15 year old.

Even if that 15 year old is intelligent, emotionally intelligent and beautiful ( as many of them are! I’m often bowled over by how adult my friends teenage daughters can be, and how I enjoy their company)

But I disagree that it’s not that big an age gap. I had a 32 year old boyfriend when I was 24 and that felt noticeable- even though we were both into same lifestyle. It’s even more pronounced when the younger one is 15