Attitudes to underage/borderline relationship in the 90’s/noughties…wtf?!

[spinningbirds]

In about 2001 when I was 16, I was training pretty seriously in a sport, helped a lot by a successful older girl in the sport (17/18). This older girl appeared to be in a relationship with her female ex-coach’s ex-boyfriend, (she’d met him when being trained by her ex-coach, a several years earlier.)

The boyfriend was by this time 35. She was just 18. I was 16.

Her very nice parents somehow (?!) came around to the relationship, which I now know had started when she was 14. The girl an d the boyfriend invited me and another girl (also 16, also heavily involved in the sport) to go on holiday with 2 of them; I’d never been abroad without my parents before. The 4 of us went to Lanzarote.

I think that by me and the other 16 year old being there too (we all shared a self catering flat) it made it their holiday somehow “ok’?!

I don’t have anything specifically bad about the guy to say, other than that he always treated me coldly, perhaps he knew I didn’t like him. On the first night of the holiday the other three agreed to have some drinks when we arrived. I declined, and asked for just coke… he put vodka in it anyway. I soon felt weird, and freaked out, not knowing I’d had alcohol; I hadn’t been drunk before. The three of them laughed their socks off at me, sat on the bathroom floor of the flat in confusion, feeling sick. Only a long time later that evening did they confess the trick. Haha.

Anyway the holiday was fine, the couple had separate bedrooms but engineered plenty of alone time…

24 years later, this whole thing makes me feel creeped out. What was my mum thinking sending me on holiday with a bloke nearly 20 years older than us? Were times so very different in 2001?

For the record, the couple are still together. My mum said today she think they actually started dating when the girl was 13. But they’ve built a life together now, so that’s ok, isn’t it..

Anyway the whole thing makes me feel creepy AF, does anyone else have crazy shit like this from 20 years ago/could you give me some therapy to feel less weird about it?!!!

When I was 15 in 1997 I went on a night out in our nearby town to see a band and we met a bunch of lads in the bar who were working on a project nearby. I ended up snogging (retro term!) the younger one who was 19 but my friend pulled a guy who was 35. I felt weird about it at the time but also clearly remember thinking that I must be the problem for finding it strange.
When I look back now I am appalled. That guy could have had kids our age. We were so very obviously extremely young and naive.

I often wonder if any of these relationships worked out long term and whether these men allowed the girls to grow up or if they are still totally under their control?

When I was a teen my best friend at the time was having a sexual relationship with her older brothers friend...I'd say she was 14 tops, and he would have been 19.
Her parents would let him stay over in her room etc.
I always look back at her parents with fond memories, we spent a lot of time at her house with them and they were lovely, and what I would have called amazing parents.
Now, I still think of them as lovely people but I do wonder what the hell they were thinking.
I sometimes wonder what my friend thinks of it now we are older, but I'm not close enough to ask her about it.
She had a string of older boyfriends for a while.

I met my now DH was I was 18 and he was 31. At the time, I was engaged to someone else who was a year older but he was violent and abusive (and he was secretly gay). DH was an older friend of one of my friends and I think with my friends being entirely clueless on what to do to help me with the fiancee and his violence as I wasn't in contact with family, the friend introduced me to DH and had spoken to him about my fiancee.

Our DD is turning 18 soon, and I thought about it the other day, how would I feel if she brought home someone 13 years older. I think if I'm honest I'd be dubious as to why a 31 year old would be interested in an 18 year old which is obviously uncomfortable because of DH and I.

As for the girl your DD knows, if they've genuinely been together since she was 14 and he was 31 then no, that isn't OK, that's grooming and I wouldn't want my 16 year old around him.

In my experience they were serial offenders.

As soon as the girl turned 18, they were dumped in favour of the next "barely legal".

That was the 00s though.

I think in the 50s/60s/70s some of the 16 year
olds married the 30 year olds and had very subserviant marriages.

Which their children and grandchildren now post about on here on the age gap threads! "My Nan was 17 and my grandad 32 and they were married for 50 years and the most in love people you ever saw!!!!"

My grandad was a good bit older than my granny.
She’s just finished school, when they met.
She said she married him “because he asked”

I'm mid 40's. I was sexually active with lads my own age young- 13 onwards. Then from 15 onwards I had older boyfriends, one was my 40 year old teacher when I was 16/17 at college. Hed known me since I was 12. No-one was bothered by it and he was a total drunken mess on antidepressants groping and crying all over me. I hated having sex with him and just used to lie there and request lights off so I didnt have to look at him. I remember madly trying to get out of the relationship and succeeded in the end. He died in his 50s of alcoholism and I bet never thought he'd done anything wrong. There were other young girls he groomed and had 'relationships' with too. I think I felt that I was a bad sort because I'd had sex young and couldnt say no to him.

The arrival of the Pill in the late 60s and the sexual revolution that followed changed many things. It liberated women, teenagers and gay men. Women and young girls were free to have sexual intercourse without getting pregnant. This was a first in human history. Think what that represents. The separation of sexual intercourse and pregnancy. Men were free to have sexual intercourse with women without marrying them or paying them. It was true that there was a sort of fetishization of young girls at the time. Girls who had older boyfriends were admired, as if they had won a prize. I never understood it myself. There was a 15 girl at school who would be picked up by her 25 year old in his sports car. What did they talk about? She was attractive, but she was empty.

Oh no really?
I don’t often share my past and this sounded like someone who wanted to work through her thoughts.
I hate that I might have fed someone who gets off on this. Shit.

I left school in 1985 at 16. Loads of girls were in relationships with men. I dated at 19 year old at 14. One friend was 14 and dating a 23 year old that lasted for years. Another was 15 with a 25 year old. Many more too. It was about cars and money I guess. I dated the 19 yo to be cool and fit in. Luckily he never pressured me for sex and was actually quite respectful. I can't say the same for other friends though.

🤮 what a creep

I'm a 90s kid

When I was 15 I had a 22 year old boyfriend

I was year 10

A lot of my friends had much older boyfriends too. My friend got with a 23 year old at 14, we were all jealous . They got engaged and she married him literally days after her GCSEs

At a similar time - Me and my mate also used to hang around with a bloke about 35, he had an Audi convertible and would drive us about .
My mate slept with him once and then we never saw him again

The thought of my dds doing any of this fills me with horror

It’s strange as we thought these type of guys were our mates or we’d use them to get booze from the off licence etc. Looking back, what kind of weirdo is that age and still being mates with 15 years old, so odd

I was stuck in a situation like this in the early 00s. 30 years older. My family didn’t approve but everyone else didn’t really seem to mind, social services included. I’m never surprised grooming gangs get away with it.

I also knew a 12 + 18 and a 14 + 28 (in which a baby was born so there was no doubt there was sexual activity involved).

Long term, I know a teacher and a student, they’re still married 20+ years later. They seem okay but she always seems tired and miserable (they had 5 kids).

My mum was proposed to by teachers in the 70s, I think it was pretty socially acceptable at the time and seen as normal.

When I was 17 I had a 28 year old BF.

my mate went out with her maths teacher. He waited til she’d turned 18 and left school to ask her out. He was about 35.

this was the 80s. No one thought anything of it.

Yes I was just thinking about this the other day and the various girls in my year who did it - in particular a girl who I had been friends with since primary but who seemed to be so much more sophisticated than me.

At school in the early 90s we were in the third year aged 13 and my friend started going out with a sixth former which was seen as OK and glamorous and I guess ok? as we were all in the same school environment.

When he then went to university she continued to see him - travelling up by train every other week or so for at least a year. That seemed so cool but on reflection must have been really weird for her and for the other students. I went to the university with her once and we had a good time in the bar but it must have been very obvious that we out of towners were five years younger than everyone else.

Then when that relationship had ended aged 15 she met a man in a club who turned out to be a Policeman - he was 23/24ish but seemed to have no problems going after us younger girls. He waited until she turned 16 before starting a proper relationship with her because he was worried about the legalities (nice of him)- I guess the whole grooming thing wasnt really considered an issue as long as they were complying with the law. I know here parents were concerned but felt they couldnt restrict her. There was the glamour of him having his own flat and car and being a 'proper' adult.

After that when we went to university she seemed to settle down and go for boys more her age.

When we were at school I felt very left out and young as I wasnt able to attract these older men but I wonder what the long term impact on her has been. Although apparently happily married with 2 children I know she has had mental health issues which may be connected to this. WIth my own daughter coming up shortly to turn 15 I wont we encouraging this.

I think a lot of this was due to our parents being immature as well. My mum was 31 when I was 14 and had a 17 yo boyfriend whose house i used to stay over at!

My sort of saw me as a mate, not a daughter and I thinks that's because she has me so young.

I was at secondary school in the 1980s and it was terrible then. Several male teachers had relationships with girls in my school. In those days it wasn't illegal as long as they were 16. And these weren't young teachers either - one was a married man in his 40s. It was almost as if dating teenagers was a perk of the job for male teachers.

A girl on my class had a relationship with a man in the Army when she was about 15 and her parents encouraged it.

People tutted a bit if the man was married, but otherwise noone cared.

It wasnt really a 90s thing it was just a thing that still exists just less and less.

If its all legal then stick your faux outrage somewhere else.

In the early 90s I was in the equivalent of year 9 at an all girls school. We had an assembly around Valentine's Day and at the end the Deputy ahead announced that 3 lucky girls had roses delivered from their loved ones. He proceeded to read the message out and each girl went up to the stage to collect them. Things like 'happy valentine gorgeous, love you forever and always'. The boyfriends were all aged 18-20 and local roofers/ plasterers etc.

The rest of us were insanely jealous but looking back it's so weird that the school made a big deal out of what would be a safeguarding issue now!

Yep. I remember being at school and a balding 29 year old used to try and pick up all my friends. Some went out with him and o always remember saying to them, what does a 29 year old want with a 14 year old girlfriend. He's weird.

Such strange times!

I was dating a 25 year old when I was 17 and it made me feel like I was super mature and super hot because this older man found me attractive. Also he was gorgeous looked like Mel Gibson in Gallipoli. This was in 1982-3. After him I dated a 28 year old (he had a baby boy's penis but that's by the by). At the time it made me feel really grown up, looking back it creeps me out quite a lot because that age difference wouldn't matter at all if we were to be dating now but men in their mid twenties dating schoolgirls is just all manner of wrong even if we were "legal". I also looked incredibly young for my age. I was still being refused service at a bar in my late twenties - I'd get service when I pointed out that I was x years old, but I had a very young face and I'm short so. He was a nice bloke, I don't think he was a total creep at all but it wasn't right even though it was completely normal at the time.

I think it was just a different time tbh. Bear in mind that a lot of teenagers would have been leaving school and getting jobs at 16, rather then continuing with education, and that a lot of their parents would have left at 15.

At 15 my mother was working full time in a responsible job, so it’s not surprising that parents who were able to do that perhaps had different ideas about the relative maturity of teenagers than we do now.

I'll just leave this here

Alanis Morissette - Hands Clean - About a "relationship" with a much older man in the music industry when she was 14

Yes I'm from same time basically teens who looked like adults were considered fair game. I remember the term jailbait for girls who looked older and would 'seduce' men by tricking them into sleeping with them🙄

A friend of mine who was 17 had a boyfriend who was in his thirties and her boss. I remember another friend going out with her older sisters mate, she was 16 he was 27. Really gross.