Boyfriend said that i wanted to be sexually abused when i was younger ?!

[crazybbabyysb]

Hey everyone feeling a little down a little back story I'm 24 now however when I was around 12-14 I was sexually abused by a older person he was around 20 he didn't rape me but he took advantage of me yes I really liked the guy but now as I'm
Older I should have said something to my mum or anyone

Anyway I've decided to tell my boyfriend he said that I clearly wanted it because I didn't let anyone know I said to him do you understands what it means to be groomed but somehow hes saying that me and the guy is both wrong kind of making me want to break up with him over it am I over reacting ?

I agree with everyone else. Get rid.

Get rid of your boyfriend, he's clearly an absolute shit.

When you say the 20 year old man didn't rape you but took advantage of you, what does that mean? Did you actually have sex? If so, I would say he did rape you. A 12-14 year old can't consent to sex with an adult.

Hmm that would make me wonder if he has done something similar. Making the underaged child equally responsible is something paedos/abusers do to convince themselves that they are not complete monsters.

OP, I am so sorry you were abused when you were younger.

And exploiting someone’s young age as a way to getting sex IS rape, it’s just a technique that is harder to identify while it’s happening. Grooming is designed to mess with your head.

You trusted your ‘boyfriend’ with something and he misused your trust.

You are not to blame for what happened.

And posters who ‘can’t believe you even need to ask..’ and similar may well be using a figure of speech to emphasise how much you are not to blame, but actually, it is exactly having had your head messed with that gives you those sorts of self doubt.

You are not wrong, or to blame for finding it hard to know where the rights and wrongs are: that’s how abuse affects you.

Counselling could be a good support for you.

Or you can contact Rape Crisis to talk this through. You don’t have to report it.

The talk in the news about the ‘grooming’ aka ‘rape’ gangs must be very triggering for you.

Your boyfriend is really really ignorant and steeped in the misogynistic view of blame culture. And not on your side: how could he listen to you tell him something that you were upset and vulnerable about and blame you? Not a safe person.

You did a good thing coming on here to get support and perspective, well done for looking after yourself.

And again: so sorry you were abused.

You are not to blame the man who sexually assaulted you is.

Your boyfriend's views are horrendous imagine if you had children together and this happened to your child and your bf blamed them!

You should be able to trust someone you love with something like that and what you should get back is love, support , empathy and respect for becoming the person you have inspite of this.

Drop him, just drop him. He said it once, he will say it in the future, or he will be thinking it in the future.

It is our collective fault what happened - we are too soft, we don't scare our children enough with stories like my nan used to scare me - my parents were silly like that, they never went on about 'stranger danger' or 'relative danger' they assumed everyone was good, which is why they were taken advantage of, regularly, despite one being with a PhD and one with a failed PhD (aka MPhil). But my nan who had none of the constraints of the enlightenment, called fat people fat, stupid people stupid and 'strangers', well, I can't write here what she called them, it would be non-pc, but from a very early age I had, from her a clear 'friend or foe' phenotype identification. She was telling me 'men and boys' are after one thing only and described so vividly the consequences, that I saw a potential lethal enemy in every male and a potential kidnapper-enabler in a female. It definitely skewed my outlook, but in hindsight I am so very grateful to her, I would not have fared so well with only my parents to 'guide' me.

He's a man who doesn't understand the power differentials between men and women and adults and children. Dangerous. Just like the guy who groomed you. I'm so sorry.

I second counselling. Coming to terms with being groomed / abused when younger is not easy. It's far easier to see oneself as complicit because it gives you a false sense of power and agency in the situation.

WTF run and block OP, so sorry he is the definition of a red flag. The only good thing is he showed his hand now but it’s an ugly one.

He is absolutely categorically the definition of wrong and you are well shot of him.

So sorry this happened to you.

It was statutory rape. I would never understand why a man of 20 years of age would be attracted to a child 12 years of age. Get rid of this boyfriend. Would he say this to his daughter if he had one?

Edit to add: I'm so sorry this happened to you, this was NOT your fault and you were groomed. Sending lots of love x

Bin, bin, bin and don't waste another second of your time on him. What an absolute tosser he is.

If you can, try and get some counselling. It will help you understand where your boundaries should be for future relationships

I would break up with him and also be suspicious that he'd take part in the same behaviour as your groomer

I would say get rid of him. If you want to educate him get him a copy of my Dark Vanessa which is a novel exploring the process and impact of grooming and how it works exactly this way by making the victim think/ feel

I am so glad you are dumping him OP. PP have suggested you contact rape crisis or counseling which is great advice. However there are long waits for these services. In the mean is there a friend you can talk to give you some support?

This. What a nasty toxic man

Well you very much might have “wanted it” at the time. That’s what being groomed can look like. The point is, you were bloody 12 when it started! A child! And he was a fully grown adult! Hell, you could have fully been the one to initiate, but that’s still irrelevant/disgusting/illegal.

The fact your OH can’t separate the two is worrying. Does he believe women or children who don’t actively object to sexual encounters “want it”? Let me guess, a short skirt is an invitation for some harassment too?

Get rid, he's clearly got abusive tendencies and he's Will only get worse. You deserve better.

In the bin he goes. I'm so glad you told him because now you know who he is...it's wonderful when people tell you who they are as long as we listen. I'm sorry for what you went through, it was 100% down to the actions of the 20 year old abuser. You were a child and not equipped to deal with what was happening to you. Please get some counselling and surround yourself with kind people 🙏 💐

What happened to you was grooming.

Get rid of him. He’s a cunt.

Hugs to you, you were brave to tell him and his response to you is disgusting. His warped beliefs are not your problem and you don’t need this awful creep in your life. There are so many good people out there who will hear you and support you. Just look at all the women on this thread who understand, we believe you and you deserve better x

What an awful thing to say to you after you trusted him with this information. He clearly has a very unhealthy attitude to abuse and consent. Well done for realising he's in the wrong and being prepared to walk away. You deserve better

It's always handy when they show their true colours so very clearly. Nice easy one to get rid of.

You say you weren't raped, is that because you never had sex, or because you did have sex but due to being groomed you liked him at the time and don't feel like it was rape? Rape isn't just a violent, dragged into the back of an alley by a stranger event there are many different forms and a 12-14 year old cannot give consent so it would be statutory rape even if you felt like you liked him at the time.

It hasnt been a long-time, I would report to the police particularly if this older person has a paid or voluntary role working with young people.

What a disgusting way to think. I’d be worried if he thinks it’s okay to have sexual relations with 12 year olds that he’s justifying something to himself. LTB

Run.

He has the mindset of a predator. If you stay with him, he will probably think your daughter or one of her friends was asking for it too.

This.

So sorry this happened to you, OP. Your bf is a complete arsehole to think this way, please don't listen to him.