Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Boyfriend said that i wanted to be sexually abused when i was younger ?!

102 replies

crazybbabyysb · 11/01/2025 03:36

Hey everyone feeling a little down a little back story I'm 24 now however when I was around 12-14 I was sexually abused by a older person he was around 20 he didn't rape me but he took advantage of me yes I really liked the guy but now as I'm
Older I should have said something to my mum or anyone

Anyway I've decided to tell my boyfriend he said that I clearly wanted it because I didn't let anyone know I said to him do you understands what it means to be groomed but somehow hes saying that me and the guy is both wrong kind of making me want to break up with him over it am I over reacting ?

OP posts:
YourHappyJadeEagle · 11/01/2025 04:54

What a vile thing to say. To even think.
Dump and block the creature.

rainbowsparkle28 · 11/01/2025 05:09

You mean ex-boyfriend right? Get rid.

CalicoPusscat · 11/01/2025 05:13

That gave me the creeps just reading it, glad you are leaving him

cheerfulaf · 11/01/2025 05:16

I’m sorry you went through the abuse and I’m sorry your boyfriend said this

I don’t have much to say on just how fucked up his comments are. Once you leave him I hope you find someone that understands and supports you. Sending you lots of love OP xx

SapphireSeptember · 11/01/2025 05:20

What is wrong with people? If he ever has kids is he going to blame them if they're abused? (Well I hope he doesn't have kids, ever.) Vile bloke.

ChicLilacSeal · 11/01/2025 05:26

You were a CHILD. How dare he??? I would be so angry I wouldn't be able to see straight.

At BEST, he has no empathy and is ignorant of evolved thought around consent. And that's the best interpretation!!

I wouldn't waste your time trying to untangle or deal with the psychology of this person. Just get rid. You deserve so, so much better.

You deserve someone who treats you with respect and kindness, and is horrified to learn that you were abused as a child. Not someone who blames a child for their abuse.

He's sick, and I'm so sorry.

nomoremsniceperson · 11/01/2025 05:27

Hugs OP. No, you're not overreacting, this guy is a piece of shit. Children can think they understand what's happening in a relationship with an adult, they can think they're ready for stuff and not realise until years later that it has harmed them. That's why adults having sex with minors is illegal. Get rid of this creep asap.

evelynevelyn · 11/01/2025 05:34

The point is that it was abuse whether or not 12-year-old you wanted it at that time. A 12-year old cannot give meaningful consent in those circumstances. It's grooming.

You've revealed something traumatic to him and he's at the very least arguing pedantry with you and at worst blaming you for your own abuse. It's not OK (and it's certainly not your fault in any way). You should have no hesitation to get rid of him.

lifesrichpageant · 11/01/2025 05:42

OP I am sorry about the abuse and sorry about your partner. Please get some counselling and walk away from this man. He is re-traumatizing you.

EasternEcho · 11/01/2025 05:47

If he views your abuse in this light, it's clear that he views all child sexual abuse the same way i.e that the child "wanted" it. This might be an indication of a side of him you may not be aware of. I would have absolutely nothing to do with him.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 11/01/2025 05:54

He’s a nonce.

Tell him so and get rid.

CountessWindyBottom · 11/01/2025 06:04

Oh sweetheart 😢 What a cruel and warped mindset.

Im so glad that you have decided to leave because your soon to be ex is already showing you another type of abuse.

hattie43 · 11/01/2025 06:11

He doesn't understand boundaries and responsibilities does he . Not good .

category12 · 11/01/2025 06:17

crazybbabyysb · 11/01/2025 04:26

Thank you to you all for making me realise that I'm not over reacting and he is a piece of shit I will be letting him go

Crying reading all of your messages I really thought maybe I was the one to blame I appreciate you all

I'm glad you're seeing this for what it is now. Please dump him.

Have you ever had any counselling about what happened? . Often after abuse, your boundaries get skewed which leaves you vulnerable to more predators or dickheads.

It might be an idea to take time out from dating to address it and building up a really good "shark cage" of boundaries for any new relationships.

Fundays12 · 11/01/2025 06:20

Please get rid of this "man" asap. You did not asked to be abused. Nobody asks to be abused and you were a frightened child. Your boyfriend is awful and this is a huge red flag of his thought process. Have you told your mum yet? Have you had any support?

Itsgottobeme · 11/01/2025 06:21

Not one red flag luv, this man is THE red flag. If he thinks this. He thinks like this. And it will if it hasn't already run into everything abiut this vile creature. This isn't a one thought difference of opinion. This is fuck no all the way to the bin.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Get some support if you can. Be it your mum. Friend or woman's aid and rape crisis can point you to support no matter how many years later.
Or if that's not an option just seek lots of compassion and comfort in yourself and your younger self. And you DO no better now. That in itself is brilliant.

Fishystripe · 11/01/2025 06:35

Itsgottobeme · 11/01/2025 06:21

Not one red flag luv, this man is THE red flag. If he thinks this. He thinks like this. And it will if it hasn't already run into everything abiut this vile creature. This isn't a one thought difference of opinion. This is fuck no all the way to the bin.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Get some support if you can. Be it your mum. Friend or woman's aid and rape crisis can point you to support no matter how many years later.
Or if that's not an option just seek lots of compassion and comfort in yourself and your younger self. And you DO no better now. That in itself is brilliant.

This!

I agree that people who've been abused can be more vulnerable to abusers going forward. It just messes with your boundaries and gut instincts. Please get some support to work through this.

Every now and then I read something on here that's so upsetting it makes me feel sick. Your boyfriend's attitudes is one of those.DUMP HIM. You are worth a million of him.

Gremlins101 · 11/01/2025 06:40

That's awful, you probably need to get rid if your boyfriend if he doesn't have an epiphany real soon.

Sorry you went through that, noone should take advantage of a child in that way.

Heybugee · 11/01/2025 06:50

I told my husband about a similar situation. I’d never told a sole. He hugged me hard and let me cry, for a long time. The thought of him suggesting I wanted it would have made me sick. You’re worth more.

Justsayit123 · 11/01/2025 06:55

Can’t believe you even had to ask if your boyfriend was a vile lowlife… of course he is and of course get rid

orangewasp · 11/01/2025 06:57

I'm glad you've decided to dump him, his reaction to your abuse was awful.
If you haven't already, please do try and get some counselling to process what you went through.

Kashmiri24 · 11/01/2025 07:00

He's a rape apologist and you don't need this toxicity in your life. Dump him and tell him exactly why. He needs to learn about this - victims of abuse are NOT to blame. The 20yo who abused you was an adult man, with an unhealthy liking for underage girls, and he should have been prosecuted and placed on the Sex Offender's Register.

Tiptopshapeop · 11/01/2025 07:00

Dump. He's not a good person.

ScabbyHorse · 11/01/2025 07:10

Get rid of him
Asap!
Also I think it would help to get some trauma informed therapy to help to stay away from unsafe people like this in future

smooththecat · 11/01/2025 07:11

Sorry this is happening to you. I have experienced similar and I wish I had taken my partners lack of understanding more seriously. Unfortunately, you’ll find that some/many men just don’t get it. Remember the number of men who did not understand what rape is in the Gisele Pelicot case.