DD hates her hair being brushed

[Snowtimex7]

Hello, I have a four year old girl. Nearly five. She has long straight hair. It’s fine but there’s a lot of it. And unfortunately she follows me that her hair constantly tangles.
we have struggled for years with her hair but now it needs to be presentable and not knotty every single morning, it’s become a nightmare. We argue every single day and she goes to school with red cheeks. I hate arguing with her. I try not to but I would touch her head with a brush and instant screaming like I’m ripping her hair out. I’ve never ripped her out. Not sure if she has an over sensitive scalp or what

we are due another hair cut next week. Her hair is pretty long, reaching lower back. She refused to get it cut short. It’s her rapunzel hair. I’m not traumatising her by cutting it all off to prove a point.

I have bought so many hairbrushes and combs. She uses adult shampoo and conditioner. I have leave in sprays and argon oils. Every night I will braid it or put in a lose ponytail. She has to wear it up for school. And yet it’s still knotty.
if she wears it down it becomes a rats nest. So conditioner, and then I bribe her with the iPad to let me sit and comb it through but by bit. We do this at least once a week as it gets bad. Every other bath is done in sections. I never let her hair go unbrushed.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Has anyone had this? Has anything helped? Any special spray? I was thinking a stress ball for her? I don’t know I honestly don’t know. I can deal with brushing it I can’t deal with the pulling away and the screaming and crying and shouting every morning.

thanks

@oddandelsewhere it’s also possible to have brains and beauty and I would say it’s not guaranteed either will last forever.

Tangle tamer and good conditioner and plait it at night.

DD1 was quite a highly sensitive child and hated the hairdryer and hair brushing. Luckily she did enjoy the hairdresser (in spite of all the hairdryers!) We used to keep it just below shoulder length so we could still tie in back for school.

I found Tangle Tamers much better than Tangle Teasers. I still use that type of brush on my hair.

What brush do you use? We had the tears/drama until a hairdresser recommended the head jog brush. Honestly it's been a miracle. Far better than tangle teezer. Comes in many colours so she can choose her favourite

Head Jog 08 Berries Collection (Blueberry) https://amzn.eu/d/dR9j5CF

Dd with bum length thick hair here. We've found shower brushes are much better than normal brushes or tangle teaser. Normal conditioner is no good, has to be the thick hair mask type conditioners. Only wash twice a week. 2 plaits would be better than 1 if it matts at the back of her neck. Silk pillowcase or hat. She plays games on my phone while we're brushing. Tangle spray and starting at the bottom.

My hair too.
it’s very long.
and knots so so easily.
I
avoid acrylic jumpers,
have a silk scarf
and turban.
if I wear a jumper/coat/scarf my hair gets matted.

If I don’t comb it daily it will be a massive knot.
and frankly I still find it it knotty.
waiting for a few days between detangling might make it worse?

but I also remember being 14, and was a squad leader on a girls brigade camp and one of the girls 10/11yo had long hair.
bloody long hair. Which I had to help care for for a week.
it was beautiful.
but took so much effort.
at the end of that summer in prep for secondary school she had it cut into a above shoulder bob, and she loved it.

my approach to hair, both mine and my kids, is if you want to keep it long it needs to be well maintained and that’s a responsibility or a willingness to comply.

hair is part of you .
but it isn’t you.
if it stops being fun or stops fun happening then why keep it.
you are more than your hair.

My yd hated having her long hair brushed as she said it really hurt. I was as gentle as I could be but the hair at the back of her head wood knot and tangle up so bad. It wasn't until she was in her late teens/early 20s that she asked me if my scalp hurt when it was touched and that hers always had. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia a few years ago and that really explained why it hurt her so much. I'm not saying that's the case for your dd @Snowtimex7 but just saying this was the case for mine. We used detangling sprays which helped a little bit but I think the best brush we used was a tangle teaser.

I agree with this - tangle teezer and detangler spray. My DD similar hair and had sensory issues but we didn’t know it until aged 11. She also has a learning difficulty that means she couldn’t understand a lot of what went on around her and hair was something she could scream and shout about and she had some control over. From age 4 I taught her how to wash, condition and brush her own hair - putting her in charge fixed the sobbing around knots and tangles. I ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT cut her hair off “to parent” or “prove a point”. It’s her hair and her body and she should learn now she has the right to choose about it. I wonder if she might have some additional need you’re not aware of yet.

Oh - I forgot to add - a bonnet changed our lives. Silk, not polyester. Like one that you sleep in (even if they say silk on Amazon, if they're under £12 or £15, they're going to be poly/satin).

Like this - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Emmet-Mulberry-Sleeping-Adjustable-Elastic/dp/B07FC9XT1Y?th=1

or this https://uk.silksilky.com/products/19momme-pure-silk-casual-sleep-cap-p1523?variant=44536039276786 (you have to refresh the page to get rid of the awful pop-up)

I feel your pain - my DD2 has LOADS of hair which is very fine and wavy. You can untangle it then blink and it's somehow full of knots again. She also cries as soon as the brush touches her head.

I plait her here most of the time, day and night, which definitely helps.

I've yet to find a brush which is effective. I have 3 different tangle teezers and 2 different wet brushes. I also have a Label M detangling brush which I heard a lot of people rave about but it really didn't make any difference to us.

DD1 also has hair which knots very easily although she has got super thick hair

Until my DD was able to manage her own hair, we kept her length above her shoulders. She never had long hair and it was never really an issue for her. I feel like girls are often conditioned to want long hair, which we tried to avoid.

Sorry if I’ve missed it, what hair type does she have? Our daughters fine and wavy, but she has loads of it, on wash day we use cream, gel and diffuse it, then at night she has a bonnet and a silk pillowcase. On non-wash days we ‘comb’ it with our hands and put it in two plaits or a bun. Where as our son has thick, straight hair, so he can his down for days, he does get tangles in his neck, so we tend to hand pick those out before he brushes his hair in the morning.

A friend of mine swears by a silk bonnet. Her daughter's hair tangled horrendously over night and she said the bonnet works like a dream. I haven't used one for my daughter so can't give a personal recommendation but she loves it

I have lots of incredibly fine tangly hair so I feel yours and your daughters pain.

My Mam got fed up and had it all cut off when I was little and it definitely didn’t help. If anything it made it worse as it was lighter so easier to tangle. Some mornings I looked like I had wire wool for hair.

Absolutely echo the PPs saying a silk bonnet and or pillowcase is the way forward. You can get silk lined bobble hats as well for when it’s cold.

I do two space buns with silk bobbles before putting on my bonnet for bed. I tangle a lot around the nape of my neck so it helps to have the hair lifted up and out the way.

Tangles on my hair result from tossing and turning as I can't sleep, getting hit and sweaty or wind blown in the warm, salty beach air (chance would be a fine thing just now), or wearing things over it - jumpers, cardigans, hoodies (as they rub up and down over the hair and backcomb it).

So try and eliminate these things. She must never ever - even for two minutes - forget to pull her hair out when she puts on her jumper.

If she's getting too hot at night what can be done to help that?

If she's tossing and turning is it because of nightmares? What can be done about that. Or if it's because she's not sufficiently tired could she do more activities later in the afternoon to wear her out?

I hated getting my hair cut but it was so much easier to manage it was worth it. (From sitting on it length to just past the shoulder).

For young girls this length is so much more practical. Can be clipped up, ponytail, bun or pleats during the day. It doesn't have to be super long.

She isn't you. She doesn't have your issues but you're giving her them. A good chop would eliminate a lot of discomfort. Surely that's more important for a child?

My mother swore blind I was like this and she would carefully brush it from the ends.

What she did was grab it in one hand and yank at the bottom third with a hard brush, then pull me towards her with the other hand and wallop the sharp metal or plastic into my scalp before trying to rip each tangle and band out as I screeched.

She'd then pull it so tight my scalp burned, wrap a rubber band in it and then leave it for 24 hours before repeating again.

My hair was easy to deal with on bath night (Sunday) when I dealt with it. By morning, it was tangled from the pillowcase and we'd start again.

She decided to punish me by getting it cut off. She was so angry when I sat there for ages without a single twitch (and I did tell the hairdresser that he didn't hurt me like she did, which probably didn't help) that she refused to brush my hair ever again.

Although I think shorter hair is better at that age, I am against ever using hair as a punishment or to control behaviour. It should never be a weapon and it is a great way to give a child a complex that will stay with them forever.

I think it's all down to how you do it. My DDs had bobs when little and when they started saying they wanted longer hair they were told they could have longer hair when they were able to look after it themselves. DD2 desperately wanted longer hair and so was motivated to brush her hair regularly and learn how to wash and dry it properly. Having a bob was the status quo and getting to grow her hair was a reward for becoming more independent.

That is very different to choosing to not cut a child's hair, making a big deal of how it looks so they think it's important then punishing them for not liking the consequences of having long hair.

Four year olds don't need extra long hair.
Four year olds don't need their hair styled.

I'm embarrassed for you that you think your daughter is better off having long 'rapunzel' hair (you know that's a cartoon right? And that real life princesses like Catherine have hair extensions?) that is matted.

I'm sorry but that is bonkers.
You want to spend your life at the alter of 'stylish' hair for your 4 old and buying all the products and tools suggested, or you want to give yourself a shake and be a parent and get her hair cut properly? She obviously hates having long hair and the consequences of that, but you seem totally invested with the idea that her hair is a major part of her identity and hobbies/interests.
If that really is the case then you need to try and encourage more variety in the experiences and activities she takes part in.

God help you when she get nits. Then the next time. And the next. People will assume it's your child spreading them too, the poor little girl with the ridiculously long matted hair.

Twin girls. It's tough. In the end they had it cut shorter. Tangle teaser, pompadour comb. Plaiting. Lots of pretty hair ornaments, bows.

Have a hair cut discussion when you aren't both angry... I.e.bit during the brushing.

Get her hair cut to her shoulders this week. Still long enough to plait etc, but not ridiculous long.

Just an update
Wednesday we got her hair cut- like states. Cut to bottom of shoulder blades which was quite a lot. Since then she’s been brushing her hair and wanting me to put it up. We got a silk pillowcase which has helped. Ponytail and then plait is better.
so to everyone who offered actual help thank you

Does she like her new hair?