DD hates her hair being brushed

[Snowtimex7]

Hello, I have a four year old girl. Nearly five. She has long straight hair. It’s fine but there’s a lot of it. And unfortunately she follows me that her hair constantly tangles.
we have struggled for years with her hair but now it needs to be presentable and not knotty every single morning, it’s become a nightmare. We argue every single day and she goes to school with red cheeks. I hate arguing with her. I try not to but I would touch her head with a brush and instant screaming like I’m ripping her hair out. I’ve never ripped her out. Not sure if she has an over sensitive scalp or what

we are due another hair cut next week. Her hair is pretty long, reaching lower back. She refused to get it cut short. It’s her rapunzel hair. I’m not traumatising her by cutting it all off to prove a point.

I have bought so many hairbrushes and combs. She uses adult shampoo and conditioner. I have leave in sprays and argon oils. Every night I will braid it or put in a lose ponytail. She has to wear it up for school. And yet it’s still knotty.
if she wears it down it becomes a rats nest. So conditioner, and then I bribe her with the iPad to let me sit and comb it through but by bit. We do this at least once a week as it gets bad. Every other bath is done in sections. I never let her hair go unbrushed.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Has anyone had this? Has anything helped? Any special spray? I was thinking a stress ball for her? I don’t know I honestly don’t know. I can deal with brushing it I can’t deal with the pulling away and the screaming and crying and shouting every morning.

thanks

Having used tangle teasers for years and being really impressed, I got a Wet Brush and couldn't believe how good it was at getting tangles out. Autistic DS has long hair which gets matted but this brush handles it no problem, much better than a tangle teaser. Worth a try

Do they? Goodness knows where you live if that’s typical. That’s very sad.

Yay I am not alone! I’m glad it has got easier for you. I pray she actually brushes her hair. We have tried it and it is pretty awful 😂 yes that is super long!

So far

• hair booked for a cut on Wednesday
• replacing her detangling brush with the official tangle teaser
• ordered some spray bottles to use my conditioner with water
• Silk bonnet for night time with French braid

let’s see how the next week goes! thank you for the great suggestions!

Ugh hair! My DD is the same. I agree with PPs that you should cut it if it doesnt work for you, and stop using it as part of her identity 'Disney Princess' for a number of reasons!. I would also advise not to have the discussion while you are brushing. You are both upset by that point and its then an argument and a punishment, when really, it's about learning which even four year olds can do. Mine is 10 and we still sometimes have issues! The only thing that works for her hair is Pantene Gold Series leave in detangling milk, but it is expensive (although lasts a very long time). I am not sure I would pay it for a 4 year old. My deal with the 10 year old is that it forms part of her pocket money, and she needs to do her helping tasks (bed made, clean clothes away, curtains opened) without being asked!

Discuss hair cut when she is calm andnot when brushing hair.
You can have her hair thinned out and trimmed instead of going short.
2 plaits each side of the ears to stop tangles at night. You must brush it at least once a day. Put tv or game in her hand when brushing. Make sure her scalp is dried so she doesnt get fungal or smelly scalp since you will be tying it up a lot.

I have 3 like this. My 7yo was screaming the other day because I attempted to put oil in it. Honestly you would think I was killing her.

My oldest was the easiest she had hair down to her bum but was happy for it to be plaited every night and at school. My other 2 just absolute nightmares, all I have to do is touch their hair with my hand and they start screaming.

ive been doing the hard lesson thing, they brush their own hair, strangely they pull it harder than I would ever and rip the hair out. Both are incapable of doing it right, my 7yo brushes knots in, my 10yo with thicker hair misses underneath.

Both recently have had the bad cop mum routine where I’ve been forced to pull knots out. I’m trying to teach them good hair brushing habits, got all of them various oils to help nourish their hair, make it easier to brush.

im constantly telling them I don’t want to hurt them but if they can’t get the knots out I have to and if they won’t keep still fight me it’s going to hurt more. I’ve showed them how I deal with my own long fine hair, tell them when they come inside brush it straight away, try keeping it tied up ( all hate their hair tied up).

If she will allow you to use conditioning sprays or oils I’d suggest that, even if it makes her hair look a little oily, I’d tackle the brushing and knots over oily looking hair any day.

@Glitchymn1 no matter what hairdresser says 4 year olds do not need to have their hair 'styled'. Their hair should be short, clean and not get in their eyes when they are doing more interesting things. What a sad existence not having anything apart from their looks to think about at 4!
Rapunzel is a bad enough role model, but then the OP mentioned Barbies! Teach your daughters to do things rather than spend their lives trying to look a particular way. (Brains last, looks don't)

It needs to be trimmed every 6 weeks minimum and oiled once a week. Sleep in a plait and undo the bottom 6 inches for her to brush with a tangle teaser before you brush and replait.

I have curly hair and never put a brush to it. A wide tooth comb works, but only when the hair is wet and ideally in the shower when I've still got conditioner on. Spray with water on days I'm not washing but don't brush it.
i have other opinions about a four year old caring so much about their hair; but since my dc is a boy so I've a very different experience I will say nothing!

My step daughters both grew their hair super long. They could never wear it loose because of tangling. They couldn't wash, brush or plait it themselves. I would have put my foot down a long time before if they were mine, I think it's absurd to adorn little girls with hair that can't be properly cared for. She's old enough to understand that she needs it shorter to be manageable. You're the adult, parent her. She can have long hair still but this is ridiculous.

We have this issue, at the hairdressers recently they used this brush. It hasn't arrived yet, but I am hopeful as it went so easily through her hair. Use detangling sprays as well. Plus does she swim regularly? The hairdresser commented on a chlorine build-up in her hair, so suggested a swim/chlorine shampoo (amazon, but very expensive) or using some leave in conditioner to create a barrier before swimming. I swim a lot (4-5 times a week) and don't have an issue, but use a cap (I am going to try this too) and apparently the keratin shampoo I use will also create a barrier. This is way cheaper that the chlorine specific one, so am switching her to that as well.

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Yes this. 11 yo DSD in particular was proud of never having cut her hair so the bottom 6 inches was ratty, broken and dry and tangled immediately. After a memorable shower on holiday that ended in tears (hers, almost mine) she agreed she needed a trim. Cut half a foot off and it's much better.

Just a word of warning. My daughter hated having her hair brushed and in the end agreed to having it cut into a short bob. But has had head lice a couple of times since as it's easier for the lice to get onto her hair. We're now letting it grow out so that I can keep it tied up around other children

Cutting her hair won’t traumatize her! Just cut it and keep it shorter until she’s able to cope better with the brushing.

I think it's cruel that we subject our young daughters to all the pain of long hair. You should never have let it grow so long and should absolutely cut it into a bob and tell her when she's old enough to look after it by herself. And yes, both my daughters had a bob until they were ~10 when one had hers cut into a pixie and the other grew hers long and always keeps it clean and has it neatly tid back or up.

And have you actually watched Rapunzel? Her magic hair connects her to the witch. Flynn Rider cuts it off to save her life and frees her from the witch. Then in Frozen she's briefly seen as a guest at Elsa's coronation, still with her short brown hair.

Since hitting the menopause I have no strength in my arms, brushing my (long) hair was an enormous effort and took ages. After asking for brush recommendations on here I bought a Ninabella and a Wet Brush. Both are absolutely fantastic, very soft on the scalp and do a great job

I don’t understand why you are allowing a four-year-old to make life so difficult for both herself and you. Why let a child who hates having her hair brushed, and has the type of hair that tangles easily, have unusually long hair? Get it cut. She’s a young child, you’re the parent. Stop giving in to her - she’s too young to understand that shorter hair will make life easier for her. She won’t be "traumatised"! A four-year-old should not have to worry about her hair.

It doesn’t have to be a crew cut! Get it cut so it’s much shorter but still long enough to put into a ponytail. Buy some new pretty hairslides etc. and if really necessary, buy her a long wig so she can still play Rapunzel if she wants to. (If you want to, tell her it will be trimmed every couple of months until she stops making a fuss about it being untangled, but if it really hurts her she ought to welcome the change. I would keep it shorter anyway, to save you the hassle.)

Get a grip, there will be a lot more battles to come as she gets older.

Yeah, chlorine makes the hair sticky but wearing a cap solves the issue.

Original Sprout leave in detangler. It's amazing. Can also be used on dry hair. It's expensive but it lasts a long time- well over a year. I got mine to 3, but needed it less as she got older and more able to cope.

Excellent!

But four-year-olds should not have to worry about how their hair looks. Some mothers give their young daughters very dubious messages about how girls should value themselves, imo.

There are few easy answers.i have shoulder length hair, as a child I could sit on it by age 6 or 7. It's super thick and was a real problem when learning to swim. But I flatly refused to have it cut short. I've had shorter hair only twice and didn't really like it.

I can still send a brush flying across the room if it bounces out of my hand whilst brushing. But I still don't want short hair. If she is determined she will eventually put up with the knots having to be brushed out and get used to the pain. It really does hurt

My dd's was like this and I just stuck it out - past her bum, thick with a very slight wave in the ends. My Mum cut my hair short at that age, which I felt was cruel, to be honest. I cried every single time she took me to the hairdresser.

I found that OGX Coconut shampoo & conditioner followed by Charles Worthington Moisture Seal leave in conditioner and a tangle teaser was the best routine, then if she was going through a bad patch, I put lots of mousse in and two TIGHT french plaits - tight hairband at the base of the plait, then plait the lenght and secure tightly again. Utterly unbudgeable and I'd get two, even 3 days out of it, although I'd have to unplait and replait the length every day, of course.

Korres shampoo & conditioner for dry hair is good too, and less chemically, and you can get good deals on Amazon sometimes (ditto for the OGX and Charles Worthington btw - Boots/Superdrug are the most expensive). If using Korrest, don't go overboard rinsing out the conditioner - it's remarkably easy to brush after.

I think the hairdresser meant it’ll be unruly and sticking out all over the place and unable to be tied back. I hate bobs too and I’m 46.

Jesus, she was 4 at the time. 🤣Bloody hell. She loves Monster High now. 😬🤣