DD hates her hair being brushed

[Snowtimex7]

Hello, I have a four year old girl. Nearly five. She has long straight hair. It’s fine but there’s a lot of it. And unfortunately she follows me that her hair constantly tangles.
we have struggled for years with her hair but now it needs to be presentable and not knotty every single morning, it’s become a nightmare. We argue every single day and she goes to school with red cheeks. I hate arguing with her. I try not to but I would touch her head with a brush and instant screaming like I’m ripping her hair out. I’ve never ripped her out. Not sure if she has an over sensitive scalp or what

we are due another hair cut next week. Her hair is pretty long, reaching lower back. She refused to get it cut short. It’s her rapunzel hair. I’m not traumatising her by cutting it all off to prove a point.

I have bought so many hairbrushes and combs. She uses adult shampoo and conditioner. I have leave in sprays and argon oils. Every night I will braid it or put in a lose ponytail. She has to wear it up for school. And yet it’s still knotty.
if she wears it down it becomes a rats nest. So conditioner, and then I bribe her with the iPad to let me sit and comb it through but by bit. We do this at least once a week as it gets bad. Every other bath is done in sections. I never let her hair go unbrushed.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Has anyone had this? Has anything helped? Any special spray? I was thinking a stress ball for her? I don’t know I honestly don’t know. I can deal with brushing it I can’t deal with the pulling away and the screaming and crying and shouting every morning.

thanks

It won’t help to say it WILL be cut off. You need to give her a choice. She can choose to keep her hair long - within reason - and sit still to have it brushed, or she can have it cut. Ask her to choose.

The idea of Rapunzel hair isn’t something to emulate.

I think part of the problem is that some days you brush over the top, so it's even more tangled. It definitely needs cutting so it's more manageable all round.

I’m another one why didn’t like her hair brushed so it was cut off. It was presented to me as making my life easier and it did.

If you can not even be touching her hair and she starts yelping and carrying on, it's behavioural and not hair related all the time. I'm guessing she gets a lot of attention for all the carrying on with her hair...and as a child she is calling the shots and has more power than you over her hair, as she knows you won't cut it. So she's playing into having that power and control.

For the knots at the base of the neck...silk pillowcase and you can also get silk bonnets to sleep in that do make a huge difference. Usually in the black haircare section (I buy mine off amazon) and you can get child sized ones.

Plait tightly in two plaits before bed. Preferrably when wet. Avoid loose ponytails. Buns would be better. Two high space buns should minimise neck tangles.

Sounds like my DD. She's 11 now but even then I still need to brush it throughly. I got a brilliant tangle brush from SHEIN, use a spray and I also hair mask once a week and use coconut shampoo and conditioner. I braid her hair at night and for school she likes a slicked back pony tail so we do that but I plait the hair then wrap it in a bun. A good hair cut should manage it better. She's getting a good cut end of month xxx

Do you let her choose about whether or not to brush her teeth or have a bath or any other aspect of basic hygiene?

Would pigtails overnight stop it getting of matted at the back of her neck?

I don’t see how my four year old is calling the shots. She’s scared to lose her hair which she takes pride or filling with hair clips and showing it.

i got my hair cut off when I was little and I remember it. And I never let me mum touch my hair again. everyone reacts differently.

im starting to think it is more sensory related. There are other things that are sensory issues for her but the hair isn’t one I put together with.

and again. The knots are matts that form at the back of her head and top of neck. Unsure how cutting all of the bottom will stop this as it’s kept up or out of the way. Maybe less weight but I don’t actually see how it would stop it completely so I’m not risking it.
she’s going to get a big chunk cut off on Wednesday. But I’m not going higher than her bottom of shoulder blades

Does she get the iPad every time you do her hair or is it a bribery thing?
I'll happily let mine have my phone while I do her hair, it's part of the routine and helps get her dressed quickly and sitting still for hair.
Very low screen house apart from this.

Just wonder if having it as part of the routine would help so she knows she gets something nice as part of hair time.

These brushes are amazing. I went from taking nearly 10mins to brush my hair out to like a minute. Could you try one and perhaps have her pick the colour/design to help make her more keen to try? They also have sensory ones if you think that may be a factor.

Otherwise i agree with PP, long hair is for those willing to take care of it.

tangledhaircare.com.au/collections/detangle-brush

This is one I didn’t actually consider. I will try this tonight!

I think I might try and do a hair mask every Friday night to make it a bit softer

My DD is similar but her hair is curly. What I’ve found works -

Always in a plait. Sleeps in a plait. But I don’t do proper plaits. I’ve found pulling it into a ponytail first, then plaiting the ponytail works best, as you keep the under hairs in the ponytail first which is then plaited.

Tangle teaser brush is a must. Do not ever touch a normal brush or comb (unless in the bath and coated with thick conditioner)

The leave in conditioners are terrible. I’ve tried all sorts. Best is to use your own good quality conditioner in a spray bottle and add water. You can decided then how much conditioner to how much water for what suits your DD’s hair best.

And don’t ever let her watch that Charlie and Lola episode were Lola is screaming about her hair. Worst accidental watch ever 😭

No it’s a once in a blue moon. More of a bribery thing when it gets awful awful. When I need to comb through piece by piece. She does have iPad time on a timer in the house sometimes but we’ve actually pulled back as she got a dvd player for Christmas. I don’t like her watching YouTube videos and then I don’t want another argument that she doesn’t want to put it away because it’s time to go school. Maybe when she has breakfast I can offer the phone and do it then?
in the mornings. There’s nothing. Sometimes the box of hair pieces to pick through. I was wondering whether a stress ball or something might help to keep hands moving and to look at.

I will try the ponytail then plait. Thank you! Yeah leave in conditioners feel like a hoax! None work and they are pricey. I will try this!

thanks for the warning. Charlie and Lola will not happen!

thank you!

Has it occurred to you that it's you, rather than her, who doesn't want it cut? You have said several times that it won't be cut. All of the stupid brushing/screaming nonsense could be avoided if it was cut in a short bob and brushed properly every day. Any nonsense and it gets cut shorter. It sounds revolting anyway with knots along the neck where it isn't being brushed, a far cry from a princess.

If it's getting matted at the back then it really will be unpleasant having it untangled\brushed.

I do agree with a pp that it would be in her best interests to get it cut. Have you told her that hair actually grows better and thicker and more beautiful with a good chop every so often? This worked for my DD at 5 and she agreed to have it cut. By the time it grew long again she had matured a bit so she was less likely to have put foody/grimy hands in her hair which is a real culprit for tangles and she was more patient about the brushing. The cut also saw the end of any remaining whispy toddler hair which is the stuff that tangles the worst. We don't have issues any more.

Vosene detangler live repellent comes in a green bottle. Both mine have very long fine hair and it works a dream. Bonus is they've also never had nits either! It stinks of citronella though 😂

Meant to say lice repellent

She takes pride in her hair and showing it?

That’s just wrong and weird. Where has she learnt that hair is something to be proud about? Surely most four-year-olds have bobs that they can manage more or less by themselves.

Get her a silk bonnet to sleep in. One of these:

Massively reduces tangling and breakage. And you can get super cute ones (let her pick).

I offer you solidarity , right down to the Rapunzel hair 🤣.
I do the same, make empty threats about cutting it. She’s 8 now, the only thing that’s worked is a blow dry- keeps its knot free for 2/3 days. She also brushes her own hair, then I go over it. I let her brush mine and let her watch me. I also say it doesn’t look nice at all when it’s not brushed, make a fuss when her hair looks nice.

I have had it cut to just above her waist- it really is long enough.

I don’t see how my four year old is calling the shots. She’s scared to lose her hair which she takes pride or filling with hair clips and showing it.
She can fill a bob with hairclips. She really shouldn't be scared of losing her hair. Mine has just turned 7 and loves it long but it's only because all the girls have it long now. I don't entertain any emotional attachment that strong to it. She has to have it cut so it stays healthy. I don't make her have it cut to the short bob I'd prefer but that's because she does let me brush it with minimal complaint.

She knows otherwise I would get it cut. I'm all for practicality not princessness and if I thought she was that emotionally involved in her hair I'd be trying to head that off ASAP.

Of course. 4 years olds, nearly 5 actually hate having hair. They don’t go to school and play hairdressers with their friends. Or play with their Barbie’s hair. I must have forced her. Jesus Christ. Near enough all girls in her class have long hair but 2.

Oooo placing the order now. Thank you I didn’t even think of this!

Hairdresser advised me to keep it long as a bob is harder to style.