Autistic 9 year old

[Mrspinknails]

My son is 9, mainstream school. Asd diagnosed. It breaks my heart when he cries and says he has no friends. He's had play dates ( when I've invited people here..he never gets invited back) doesn't get party invites either . His sibling is popular and he sees this and cries asking why noone will play with him and be his friend.
I raised it a few times at school, and they say they've seen him play with the odd person but they don't seem to do much else. My eldest has seen him walking around the playground on his own but he isn't allowed over to him as the school keep different ages apart .

Will it get easier for him? I hate the thought of high school and being lonely

At secondary, he might well find his tribe as there will be more people there.
However, I think you need to explore me with the school what they can do to support him with friendships. They can't force people to like it (and it might not help with play dates or party invitations) but they can do some small group, TA led activities for him to join in with. Role playing situations at home might help too.

@Mrspinknails thats so sad my grandson is 6 Autistic non verbal although he is getting better he started school in August the school say he just runs around himself at playtime and that thought kills me but I'll say this and probably be shot down for it but he doesn't realise he's meant to have friends I don't think and he can't speak to them anyway so werw lucky for that but I get you at high school there always someone for someone and he'll make friends that all understand him and things will change for him then your gona worry about where he is when he's out 🙃being a parent is murder good luck I hope things get better big hugs

How big is the school ? My kids went to 2 form and 3 form entry schools and had initiatives to help kids who weren’t socially confident eg a corner where adults organised playground games like What’s the Time Mr Wolf and a buddy bench where the year 6s on duty that day (they wore high vis jackets) or would play with anyone sat on the bench. Apparently sometimes people would invite people sat on the bench to play a game of tag or whatever.
They also had a corner set up with quiet activities that people could do alone like reading but I assume that’s weather dependent.

It's a very large primary.

It is hard, it was around that age when DD's friendships broke and she had (and still has to some extend) quite a lot of trouble finding and keeping friends.

Secondary helped, bigger pool of people and children who do struggle often find their own groups. More activities during break and after school as well.

Saying that, the most friends DD had at her two hobbies, riding and drama club. Does your son do any activities or could you find some linked to a specific interest?

He used to say he didnt care but as he gets older he notices. Doesn't help when the other kids all talk about birthday parties he didnt get invited to

He isn't sporty at all. We did try cubs but I had to drag him there. He didn't like karate either..still can't swim despite 2 years worth of lessons. He loves gaming and thinks those are his friends. Sad really. Tried all sorts

I'd have a look at autistic specific youth groups in the area or groups that naturally attract those with ND so look at the library for Lego groups, join Rock Watch for Geology activities, sports that are solo but with others like rock climbing, gymnastics, swimming.

DD is autistic and a teen now and really enjoys the physicality and rules of rugby. They make adjustments for her and when away she always plays the second half of the match as gets overwhelmed. They have a social meal afterwards but they never bother her if she's wearing her NC headphones.

He may gain friends at these that carry over into school, or when he moves up to Secondary will know people he has things in common with and makes friends quicker.

DD always had one friend at Primary, they have been besties since they were 3 years old so well over a decade. Her friend is more adventurous so hunt and gathers friends and brings them back, and over the years their group numbers have waxed and waned and they are now a pretty solid group of 4 who all happen to be ND or have had medical issues and they are the loveliest most supportive bunch. DD often reports that she spends lunchtime alone though and did at Primary as she needed the quiet and downtime to regulate and as much as she likes her friends sometimes needs quiet.

Has he ever had friends? My son moved from a school where he had friends to a brand new one hundreds of miles away where we had a terrible year three. He was diagnosed autistic, had no friends, no play dates, no invites. Spent breaktines alone. Things gradually began to improve in year four when he decided to get involved in football at break time and made friends that way. Now he has a solid little group of mates. The thing is he wouldn’t entertain ever playing football when I suggested it to him, it had to be on his own terms, could never force him to change his mind!

as to what the school can do do they offer a Lego/chess/board games club at lunch?

when he has had kids over to play do you observe how he interacts with them? Any really nice kind kid you can try to develop the friendship with? Any advice you can give him or do some role play of interactions? I used to go all out for play dates initially, great dinner provided (ice cream with sauces etc!) to make sure our house was remembers in a positive light. Now I don’t have to do all that (still provide a nice dinner of course!).

He had a best friend in nursery. They went up to start school and he left to go back to Ireland. My son was distraught. He still occasionally mentions him...4 years later! He's never really had friends in school. They've been mentioned one day then the next day he doesn't like them or they don't like him
He struggles with social side of things. I've got him a book about making friends but he isn't interested in the book anymore

He gets bored quite quickly when he's had friends over. If he decides he doesn't want to play a particular game, he will let them play it but leave and sit in another room.

What support have school offered? I would expect teaching of social skills, lunch time nurture group or offer group and some directed activities at break time.

Does your son do cubs or any activities outside of school?

He did have a school support plan but the senco is awful. We are still waiting for am echp meeds assessment from the LA. Inhave emailed the school asking for a meeting with the teacher. They did have a nurture club which he attended but he didn't seem to benefit from it

I work in a secondary school. Please try not to worry. He will find his own little group of friends.
Research the secondary schools for him that have a good inclusion department.
we have an excellent team of support staff that do interventions. After school clubs. Homework clubs. Etc
Keep pushing for the EHCP. Also he needs to definitely have a school support plan in place !!
His secondary school needs to know all about his needs.
Don’t be afraid to challenge your SENCO and his class teacher.
With him getting upset about not been invited to parties shows that he is wanting to mix with other children.
With your continued support he will get there!💐

Thank you. We are limited in terms of secondary. We are in a grammar catchment and its unlikely he'll pass the 11+. The alternative comp isn't brilliant the next one is a bus ride away but I don't see him managing that even in a few years time.

warhammer?
does he like reading - any library clubs?
Engineering clubs?

I know it’s a lengthy process but please try and get an EHCP.
Some of our EHCP students get taxis into school. (paid for through EHCP)
It’s a battle I know. I’ve been working for 25 years at my school. I often see ASD students out and about driving, working married with children.
One student in particular used to have massive meltdowns, always falling out with her friends. Ripping her work for no reason. She is now got 2 children and is a fantastic mum.
💐

If he decides he doesn't want to play a particular game, he will let them play it but leave and sit in another room.

I think this may be the issue in some ways. Whereas it's great he isn't getting pressurised into doing something he doesn't want to, it can make other children feel awkward. It also may depend on how he addresses it. My dd was inclined to say "that's boring" or similar, which made them feel wrong for wanting to do it.

I'd look at outside things. My ds (also asd) has a lovely drama group that they just know he's a bit quirky and accept him. He mopes when it's not on, and they message each other (as far as I can tell mostly insults, but it's taken as fun!) and meet up elsewhere too.
Look round for something he might enjoy that is group activity and see if he'll engage. I'd suggest raising the ASD with the leader and see how they take it, because if they have a positive attitude it tends to go down to the kids.

He struggles with fine motor skills so anything like that he'll get frustrated and have a melt down. He likes gaming and animals and that's it really.

That's good to hear. I feel so hopeless and really worry about his future.

I can imagine him telling the other children that's boring I'm not playing that. I've tried to tell him that sometimes you need to play different games but he's quite stubborn.

Please make a parental request for EHCP.

Give the school a week's notice first.

It is possible, likely even, that they have not actually requested an EHCP.

EHCP support thread no. 4 - www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5197351-ehcp-support-thread-no-4

I would speak to the school and ask if they considered having structured games so there’s a place for everyone. We have games led by year 6. Library/colouring and games room led by different TAs. He’s got another 2 years at school. The school needs to listen.

Have you tried getting him into music? Dd reckons half her year are autistic (degree music) and certainly in her youth orchestra days many were nd but most of all it meant she had an activity every Saturday morning when others would be going to parties

We are in the process. The local authority at first refused but I appealed and they agreed yo do the needs assessment. That's what we are waiting for.. I'm having to formally complain because they have gone passed the legal time limit