11 year old DD is so sad

[WouldIsaythisinreallife]

Dd(11) has cried pretty much every day of the holidays, but can’t say what is making her feel sad. There are a few possible reasons - she sat the 11+ this term and found it very stressful and seems to have struggled to calm down in the weeks after it. Whilst she has friends, the friendship groups in their year have undergone a huge reshuffle in the last few months and her longstanding friends have drifted off to various other groups. The new friendships, I strongly suspect, aren’t as settled or as supportive as the old ones. She’s also (about three weeks ago) had this horrible flu that’s been going around and is possibly still exhausted.

I’m trying everything I can to arrange play dates with her new friends etc but she has just cried and cried for the last three weeks and it’s so sad to watch. She says she feels useless and as though she’s no good at anything. Is this a normal part of early puberty? Do lots of girls experience the same, or should I be making an appointment with the GP/ a child psychologist? I would be very grateful for your experiences!

Definitely take her to see a child psychologist if you have the possibility. It will do her some good just having the attention of a grown up who can reassure her (and who is not mum).

Oh God. We absolutely can do, of course, but I was rather hoping everyone was going to say that this was fairly common as they enter puberty. 🙁

My dd (11) was very emotional prior to starting her periods but it may be worth a chat with the GP

I think it is hormonal. If there isn’t a reason. Also I have cried and felt so flat with this flu. I am not surprised your dd feels the same.

Listen to her as you have, try not to give advice or judgement but just listen carefully, offer empathy and support her choices. This may well pass as it often does with pre teen girls. Encourage lots of friends in and out of school. Keep an eye on her phone and social media if she has it.

Has this only happened over the holidays? If so, I think you need to let a little more time go by before jumping to a psychologist.

My two talk most in the car. Can you go on a drive somewhere? Is something bothering her at school? Is it stress of what happens after primary school? Have her periods started yet?

11 is a difficult age.

I’d think she’s still exhausted from being ill and smaller things that we can usually handle (friendship changes, tests at school) just become too much. Is she eating well and drinking water, getting good sleep? I’d focus on those things first, plus regularly talking about life stress, any upcoming changes, before considering GP.

I don’t think crying everyday is a normal phase of pre puberty, no. But I’d wait and see if things improve once term starts and if not perhaps seek counselling/a psychologist appointment then.

I'm very sorry but I can't hand on heart say that this is normal.
Did you ever cry every day aged 11? I didn't, my son certainly hasn't cried all holiday (same age)

Are you sure you mean every day? Are you exaggerating and maybe she's crying a bit from time to time? That might be more normal/hormonal stuff. But it's not great, sorry. You must be very worried.

Does she have free access to social media? That's a total killer for mental health in young people.

She doesn’t have any social media or a phone, no. And she hasn’t started her periods yet. I am very, very worried.

It sounds as if her life has been genuinely stressful, between important exams, the prospect of senior school, and the loss of long term friendships - everything is changing, none of it is within her control, and so far it is not for the better.

I would focus firstly on making her feel totally secure within her family, and also things that are within her control and rewarding in the short and long term (interests, sports, hobbies). If she has friendships outside school, this might be a good time to lean on those.

Btw re: I’m trying everything I can to arrange play dates with her new friends etc

At 11 you are getting to the end of playdates (and obviously avoid that term) arranged by parents. They will be making their own plans, and more and more if them will have phones to do so. My son is 10 and in Y5 and it is happening already, although he won't be getting a phone until he's moving up to secondary - I don't care what that does to his social life.

In addition it could be transitions regarding Christmas. As a young child it is all soooo exciting and sparkly and presents from Santa etc

Once you stop believing in Santa, there is a transition when you start to realise that even though you still get presents etc it isn't quite as wonderful as it used to be.

So this could be in the mix too

She doesn't need a psychologist at this stage! I think it's post viral blues and/or puberty.

Flu, hormones, winter, and the changes at the end of primary school sounds a lot to deal with. I'd try to make things warm and cosy and safe, and if it doesn't improve in a few weeks, seek some medical advice.

Does she have any hobbies?

Op does she cry every single day? Extended periods or just a tear or two over small things? It is a hormonal time, but every day is a worry.

I asked my DDs at this age to write down their worries and put them in a jar for me to read. Can you try this?

I would be concerned.

I was sexually assaulted at 11 by a teenage boy, and cried a lot for a few months. I don’t want to worry you but please check with her and use direct language. Don’t make any assumptions about the cause. It might be something none of us would think about.

To me, it does just sound like a mix of pressure from the exams feeling shit from illness, missing friends and topped off with hormones.

In the summer I'd had a flu, was going through a rough patch with my partner and stressed from work, I must have cried every day for a month. It's happens. We feel shitty at times.

My DD had a pretty rough time around 11-12 friends-wise. She lost many of the old ones and hadn't yet found new ones. I must say I found it a difficult age. I'm quite a fan of taking kids to a child psychologist. Even if you just go once, it shows them that there is help out there when you are feeling troubled, which I think is important for them to know (for now or for the future). The psychologist can also advise the parent or put things in perspective.

She does - she does lots of music (in a formal setting - I would normally try to cut right back on anything and everything and just let her rest but this is a very binary hobby and you’re either there for every single rehearsal or you give up your place permanently. Sort of the equivalent of a place on the county sport team. It’s important to her in the long term and I don’t want to override that and spoil it for her if it’s a short term issue.)

Isn’t it just.and I reckon with girls more than boys tbh with all their friendship dramas and fall outs.
My mum taught reception for 25 years and year 6 for just 2 before retiring. She said she would take the 4 years olds over dramatic pre-teens any day.

OP you are doing really well supporting her and encouraging friendships and activities outside school. Last year of primary is pretty crap.

Sounds like a perfect storm of the onset of puberty/periods, the after effects of flu, worries about passing the 11+ and friendship issues.

I feel for you both.

What are the plans if she doesn't pass the 11+?

Have you discussed puberty/periods? Maybe get a box together of pads, periods pants etc?

Can you talk to school re: friendship issues?

You could start her on vit d, vit c etc?

It's such a difficult age.

OP can be really specific, clear-headed about the intensity and extent of her upset. Unable to do anything she usually enjoys, disrupted sleep/eating etc, very disregulated emotions. Or moody most of holidays. There's a spectrum.

One end is completely normal rollercoaster of puberty, the other end is not and needs some support.

It is a difficult age and there is so much going on in her life, as well as hormones, it could be that.

However, without being the person who starts shouting about ND - are there any other signs at all?

My seemingly outgoing, confident, social 11yo “broke” after her SATS and the extreme anxiety and worry she had triggered an autism diagnosis (well, as far as you can get with the waiting lists what they are at the moment!) 11 is a common age for girls to lose the ability to mask anymore - other girls are less consistently easy to copy - and it all sort of breaks down.

I'm not saying she is but as a girl of that age showing a sudden change, it’s worth doing some reading about just in case.

What type of crying? If it's crying because you've said no to something and she's frustrated, or something she's making broke, or shes been asked to do something and doesnt want to - so there's a reason you can sort of tell but just an over reaction, then that's normal. If she's just sitting there crying with no trigger at all that's not and sounds more like depression.
Are you sure she isn't being bullied?

After 4 years of hell. I would contact camhs and the school asap.

I wish I had earlier.

Hugs op it is absolutely awful when you see your child struggle.

I agree that it's normal to a point at this age. There's a lot of transitions ahead that she's not got a lot of control over and it's a really awkward age between leaving childhood but not yet gaining a lot of independence.

I'd give a bit of time to let her get better after her illness and get back into a bit of a routine to see if that helps. If not I'd be speaking the GP or getting help.