11 year old DD is so sad

[WouldIsaythisinreallife]

Dd(11) has cried pretty much every day of the holidays, but can’t say what is making her feel sad. There are a few possible reasons - she sat the 11+ this term and found it very stressful and seems to have struggled to calm down in the weeks after it. Whilst she has friends, the friendship groups in their year have undergone a huge reshuffle in the last few months and her longstanding friends have drifted off to various other groups. The new friendships, I strongly suspect, aren’t as settled or as supportive as the old ones. She’s also (about three weeks ago) had this horrible flu that’s been going around and is possibly still exhausted.

I’m trying everything I can to arrange play dates with her new friends etc but she has just cried and cried for the last three weeks and it’s so sad to watch. She says she feels useless and as though she’s no good at anything. Is this a normal part of early puberty? Do lots of girls experience the same, or should I be making an appointment with the GP/ a child psychologist? I would be very grateful for your experiences!

Is the music commitment too much? And she doesn’t feel she can say?

If the crying coincided with the flu it sounds like post viral fatigue is making everything else more difficult to cope with.

The 11+ was months ago now so shouldn't be affecting her unless she's worried about her result/school options.

I think i would monitor the situation for a couple of weeks before medicalising. Can you do some nice cosy activities together e.g. cinema trip to see Wicked or snuggle up on the sofa with a movie, popcorn and some Simple face masks (or other gentle mask that won't upset an 11 Yr oldest skin but feels like a grown up treat)

My daughter was inconsolable for a few weeks before her first period. As soon as she started bleeding it was like a weight lifted off her and she went back to her old happy self.

A few months on and she still gets terrible pre-menstrual depression so it could be PMDD. It's a bit early on to diagnose though, we'll need to wait for her cycles to settle down a bit first as she's only had a few.

Perhaps it's your daughter's hormonal surges? Obviously I would seek help but be mindful of how powerful our hormones can be.

Usually it has been triggered by a specific thing - us saying no to something, or her sister accidentally eating something that was hers, or a conversation about asking her teacher to help her with something she’s finding hard, when she goes back to school. It doesn’t usually come out of thin air, but is totally out of proportion to the actual situation. When we ask her, for example, whether she’s feeling better after a good night’s sleep, it can set her off again.

Her younger sister has also recently been diagnosed with ADHD and so our attention has possibly been diverted a bit in the last few months. She doesn’t know yet about the diagnosis but she can see that we are a bit stressed and possibly focussing too much on DD2’s difficulties.

It feels like the perfect storm.

I think I cried for most of my early life, to be honest. Think it dried up in my late teens, along with the desire to just.... not exist. Ah, lightbulb- it stopped when I went on the pill.

I kept a diary in my teens. That helped.

Friendship issues are incredibly important to kids at this age. I would imagine worry about not passing the exam and thoughts about friends ate the most likely cause. I would not personally be jumping to a psychologist which would not be the person you need anyway. If it doesn't settle or you are concerned you could look into a counsellor with experience with young people.

I'm a very well adjusted adult BTW and I rarely cry.

If you were her what you want your Mum to say or do OP? Would you want her to frame this as a problem or as something wrong with her or would you just be looking for someone to hold her and tell her she is ok and it's ok to cry? I appreciate the age we live in it now seems relatively normal to jump to psychologists, counselling etc but perhaps your daughter is (unconsciously) seeking out connection with you (crying elicits empathy and connection) and she just wants someone to tell her it's ok to be sad. I don't have an answer and I can't say she doesn't need a psychologist, however I was an unhappy child and ahead of anything else I would have loved a mother who just told me I was ok, however I was.

I would also say it's important to realise that this kind of behaviour is now getting very normalised in schools with girls in particular saying they are anxious, depressed, self harming etc. It can be copied from other girls so be aware of what is happening within the friendship group.

Is your daughter in Year 6, so embarking on Year 7 at secondary school come September? If she's still in Year 6, and looking at secondary school in September, then it could be nerves regarding the impending changes, friendship groups shifting etc. I work in a First school, and see a change in our Year 4 children, usually from around April but it can be earlier, as they will be leaving in the summer to start Year 5 at a new school. Some of the girls do get emotional, the boys tend to be a bit more 'cocky'. It may be worth having a chat with the Pastoral Care team at your daughter's school. It's an adult to talk too, but not you, and sometimes it makes it easier. I rather suspect she's disappointed in herself regarding the 11+ exams. Is she usually a child that becomes despondent if she feels she's somehow 'failed' or not done her absolute best? Have friends within her friendship group passed the exam? Did she desperately want to go to Grammar school?

I think this is the most likely thing. I remember being the same at that age. I wouldn't be surprised if she starts her period soon.

I'm an adult and I spent the first few days of Christmas in a crying meltdown, it was just all the built up stress of trying to get everything stressful done and then once everything was out of the way and term was over it was like I fully collapsed and processed everything all at once. So if there's been lots of stress with one thing and another and none of it's been processed yet it might all be happening at once.

As she's crying over silly/small things I would say hormonal.

Mid Winter and dark days too.
Can you both take an half hour midday walk in nature and sunlight? It could be a chance to spend one on one time and also to observe delightful birds and incidental positive views etc.

Is she back at school on Monday? She's probably worried about the friendship situation and how it will play out on the first day back.

That sounds exactly like our DD at that age then, as long as there's a trigger and it's just extreme emotions then there's a wide range of normal with hormones and thats heightened if theyre possibly ND too. It's only if there was no trigger and she was just sad and crying lots that I'd be concerned.
Obviously it's still not nice but I'd just keep focusing on offering support and comfort and reassuring her that emotions are hard at this age but it does improve.
She's probably hit that age where frustration comes out as tears.

My daughter is the same age and can get very ‘down’. She started her periods in the summer and there definitely is some correlation with the timing of her most teary episodes and periods.

Like your daughter she’s also had friendships issues and reshuffles, worries about high school choices and illness, but most of the time she can’t say what is making her sad - or if she can it’s something seemingly insignificant.

I do think it’s normal for this age - although obviously it needs keeping an eye on.

Could you look at the Young Minds website together? They have some useful resources around reframing unhelpful thoughts and improving self-esteem.

You could also practise some grounding/ mindfulness techniques with her. At 11, with all the changes going on in her body and externally at school etc, she is going to feel down at times and that's okay, but it's important you give her the tools to not get stuck or overwhelmed in these emotions.

If you try these techniques and she's still crying every day, then I would definitely take her to the GP, poor lamb. Best wishes 💐

To try and reassure you, I was like around 10-11 in the last two years of primary. I would just cry all the time and feel sad but not know why. I'm sitting in the hairdresser's reading this and it has immediately brought back those feelings. I could cry for you and your daughter, as all you want is her happiness, I know. It was a passing phase for me, and hopefully the same for your daughter, bless her heart. Now I am going through something similar with my son but he's 17 and has been quite teary on and off for the past two years and he's a big strapping man. The worry as a parent can be so overwhelming but we just have to be there to support our kids, big and small. Tell her from me she'll be ok x

I rather suspect she's disappointed in herself regarding the 11+ exams. Is she usually a child that becomes despondent if she feels she's somehow 'failed' or not done her absolute best? Have friends within her friendship group passed the exam? Did she desperately want to go to Grammar school?

I don’t think the 11+ results will be out yet, if it was only taken last term? I think the op said her dd was very stressed by taking the exam. It might well be that she’s worried about the result, too.

The scores for the 11+ exams are out now but school places haven't been decided on yet. There is usually a "pass" cut off point, eg if you get below that, you definitely won't get a place but you could get a passing score and still not get a place at a school. It will depend on their admission criteria which could mean highest scores get places or people in certain postcodes get priority or some combination of these things. If the op's daughter has passed but with not too high a score or a lower score than friends she could be feeling very uncertain.

I think it's quite common for girls to be like this at that age and I think it's hormonal. Thinking back to how I was at that age, I can remember crying uncontrollably for absolutely no reason - I had a very happy childhood, no friendship worries, and no problems at school. My mum was very alarmed and dragged me off to the doctor, who in his wisdom prescribed me tranquillisers. I refused to take them, and about three months later, my first period started and I stopped crying. I never forgave my mum for making me see a doctor about this, and I would strongly urge you to just be supportive with your daughter and not rush down the route of taking her to a doctor, psychologist etc at this stage.

My friend is going through this with her son who is the same age. Similar circumstances too with regard to friendship groups. He has been seeing a psychologist and is now undergoing assessment for autism. It seems he has been extremely good at masking / complying with situations he doesn’t feel comfortable with but now everything has fallen apart and he isn’t able to cope any more. Autism can be very difficult to spot in kids who can mask well and particularly girls. I’m not saying your daughter is autistic but crying every day age 11 isn’t normal, even taking hormones into account. Just something to consider if things don’t calm down over the next few weeks x

if it doesn’t pass in a week or 2 take her to the GP? Does she take vitamin D? Has she got blood tests to ensure everything else is in order? Can the weather be affecting her too on top of hormones so everything else becomes too much.

Maybe the doctor exam put a lot of pressure on her.

Try to book activities, get her out of the house, do exercise, go for a walk

First thing that sprang to mind is checking her vitamin d levels! My son was very low last January (following a blood test) and it hugely affected his mood swings and energy levels.

It can be puberty. My DD was like this a lot on and off before her periods started. Now it's just once a month, but tbh when it hits I don't recognise her, her mood is awful.

However 3 weeks is a long time for it to be hormonal. Maybe see how she is after school and routine is back in place and take it from there.

Does she have a mobile phone? On social media?

I would make sure you take away this off her! It’s the devil for teens and adults… full of horrible stuff.