11 year old DD is so sad

[WouldIsaythisinreallife]

Dd(11) has cried pretty much every day of the holidays, but can’t say what is making her feel sad. There are a few possible reasons - she sat the 11+ this term and found it very stressful and seems to have struggled to calm down in the weeks after it. Whilst she has friends, the friendship groups in their year have undergone a huge reshuffle in the last few months and her longstanding friends have drifted off to various other groups. The new friendships, I strongly suspect, aren’t as settled or as supportive as the old ones. She’s also (about three weeks ago) had this horrible flu that’s been going around and is possibly still exhausted.

I’m trying everything I can to arrange play dates with her new friends etc but she has just cried and cried for the last three weeks and it’s so sad to watch. She says she feels useless and as though she’s no good at anything. Is this a normal part of early puberty? Do lots of girls experience the same, or should I be making an appointment with the GP/ a child psychologist? I would be very grateful for your experiences!

Does she have a lot of pressure then? Not time to be a child?

You said she sat the 11+ - did she pass it? If not, could the feeling useless be to do with that? Eg if she has friends who passed but she didn't?

Sounds like there are many different possible causes or factors that would lead her to be stressed/easily upset. Some could be a non-issue in the long run.

It could also be that she is somewhat “a victim” of some of these friendship changes, especially with girls that age, I don’t think it’s clear to them that leaving people out etc… is actually bullying for example.

I probably wouldn’t pursue it at this stage, unless there is no improvement in the coming months or other signs, but I would echo what previous posters have said about considering ND. If you think she is coping less well than others with social changes or seems young for her age. The school will likely have something to add on that or can look out for things at school if it’s only a recent thing.

Does the school have a counsellor she can see as a start? I feel that’s less extreme than going to a psychologist.

I think it is probably to do with the friendship groups changing. Girls of this age depend so much on friends, and a change or fall out can affect them hugely. Returning to school after the holidays is imminent, so I guess she’s feeling anxious about returning school, without the security she may have had with her old group. May be that her current group isn’t an established close one yet, and so the uncertainty is there.

Friendships are so important at this age, and heart breaking. I think her response is due to hormones, feeling rejected, low self-esteem due to exams and being home over the break, and unwell. I'd do nothing but cheer her up until she's back into school routine and re-assess in few weeks.

I've been unwell over the holidays and the slow recovery has made me feel quite sad and depressed. I think recovery from illness can sometimes affect your mental health.

Poor kid! I would try to get her outdoors a lot (family walks, bike rides etc) lots of nutritious food, earlyish to bed, films, cooking and time together, so that she feels secure and loved and so her body is getting what it needs. Does she know that Plan B if she doesn’t pass the 11+ will be ok? Best wishes.

I'd get her some good vitamins and a walk in the sun daily in case low vitamin D is partly at play.

Try to get her talking about things she loves but to you seem very trival. I used to listen to a lot of my ds gaming worries. Because then he came to me with bigger issues. So learn to be interested in the dull, make time for that. It pays off. Definitely talking in the car or walking side by side with no eye contact.

My ds used to lay face down and scream into sofa aged 12. It's a very hard time for some pre teens. It's hard but try to stay steady yourself and not get upset in front of her

There's many things it could be that have been mentioned, e.g:
Hormones
Friendship groups.

It's a horrible thing to consider and gently, I would try and think if there's a specific event that has happened while she's not been with you. I'm sorry to say but a sleepover where something has happened. I pray it hasn't. But something happened with my friend's lovely daughter and a neighbour. A best friend they'd known forever.

Spend some 1:1 time with her. Ask her to write you a letter if she doesn't want to talk.

Ask her to write notes and leave them for your when she's feeling sad.

But she really needs you now and you need her to be able to come to you when she's a teenager and things get even more challenging.

I hope you get to the bottom of it, and I sincerely hope it's something simple.

You sound so anxious OP. Try to take care of yourself and be the calm, steady rock that your DD needs at the moment. I think she'll be fine, she's at a tough age/stage but ultimately it's just a few wobbly weeks. See how she is in a couple of weeks when she's been back in her usual school routine and do keep her music commitments going, sounds like a good distraction for her.

OP my advice would be take a step back.

Your kid is under enormous pressure and when she says she doesn’t feel like she’s good enough or good at anything this isn’t friendship groups this is school and her hobby as she will “lose her chair”. 11+ is very stressful as you have said with enormous amounts of studying. She is feeling this pressure very acutely and it isn’t normal at her age to cry everyday. Sure some kids don’t feel this pressure but your kid is crying every day.

I wonder if she just tried to get through her 11+ and her stressful hobby and now has been sick and it’s too much. She is also feeling stressed about the choice of school based on passing or not and inadvertently any pressure she is feeling under from home. Sorry but only extremely few parents are able to put zero pressure on 11+ exams to their children after hundreds of hours of homework, studying and money spent.

She needs lots of positive family time and a rest away from anything that causes her stress. Stop forcing play dates and new friends. This will make her feel like she needs new friends or reminds her of losing her old friends.

I”m really not placing blame but as parents we can change our child’s environment more easily than they can.

Your child sounds stressed out to the max and overall has been out under too much pressure.

It seems to me that it's a case of a "perfect storm" of lots of different factors coming together. I wouldn't be trying to make a GP/psychologist appointment at this stage. I would allow more time for your DD to make a full recovery from the flu virus. I would definitely make sure she gets to bed at a sensible time. To the extent the subject of the eleven plus comes up, I would strongly convey the message that (a) it's not the end of the world if she hasn't passed and you're sure she will be fine whichever school she goes to; and (b) whatever the outcome you are proud of her for having taken the exam and done her best. If your DD's class teacher is remotely sympathetic, I would have a word with him/her about your DD's behaviour over the holidays. I think it's a good idea for the teacher to know that your DD may well take even mild criticism very much to heart in a disproportionate way.

Could she be worried sick about possibly failing the 11-plus, and she is afraid you will be disappointed in her?

I'd also be wondering about the change in friendship groups, and whether one or more of them have been unpleasant to her in some way.

Has she lost confidence in her musical ability, with maybe some others moving up levels or grades when she hasn't?

A combination of all those, plus hormones and maybe becoming self-conscious about herself, the situation with her sibling, plus the inevitable realisation that Christmas won't ever be quite the same again could combine together and make, as you say, a perfect storm.

I was like this at her age.
Literally crying all day.
The only reason I've been able to find is hormones and possibly the death of a close relative.

I have clarity now because, as I go through menopause I get blasts of the same terrible low mood immediately before I get a hot flush! This is how I can be fairly sure that my issues were hormone-based.

It felt as though the world was going to end and that everyone I loved was going to die. It was pretty bloody miserable. It was more than a low mood - it has a visceral feel to it.

Just to give transparency mine lasted for months, sorry, and re-appeared two or three times in subsequent years, always at the start of winter. I was tried on antidepressants which categorically do not work on a child.

Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't. It won't harm her either way.

I'm not saying it isn't typical. What I said was that if it's feasible (you got the means and the time) to bring her to a psychologist (who works with preteens) in order to help your girl put words OK what she's feeling and helping her deal with it and dedramatize. Then again if you can't just stay calm and tell her that you understand how hard it must be for her with all the turmoil inside and that you are there for her always. Maybe try to get her outside walking, physical outside activity always helps at any age. But stay calm mum, this too will pass.❤️

I think for all the reasons you gave it's ok, she'll also be tired/overwhelmed with Xmas. I'd go gently and check phone in case there's any bullying but otherwise, give lots of love and see how back to school goes.

Thank you very much, everyone; I do appreciate your help.