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Original poster

Etiquette when declining wedding invitation

57 replies

Stampoun · 04/01/2025 08:55

DH and I been invited to the wedding of an old friend he's known since childhood. There will be other old friends going too.
It's an online acceptance or decline and I'm wondering if we should also message the couple to tell them the reason we're not going?

It's awkward as the only reason we won't be going is because it's a weekday wedding. It's a 5 hour drive so we'd have to travel the day before the wedding and back the day after meaning 3 days off work for both of us. It's not that we don't have the leave as we're both into new holiday years now and the wedding isn't until July, but we don't want to use up 3 days leave for a wedding!

It's entirely up to the bride and groom what day they have the wedding and I feel if we give the reason it may sound like we're criticising what they've chosen. But DH feels it's blunt just to click decline button and not give a reason. We can't really lie and say we're away on holiday as the invite came in the Christmas card, so 8 months notice. And DH has also discussed it with another friend who will be going so he knows the reason.

What do others do when declining an invitation like this?

OP posts:
hopeishere · 04/01/2025 09:00

How often do you see them? I'd explain the next time but click in the meantime.

CurlewKate · 04/01/2025 09:01

I think I would be pretty pissed off if a friend said they wouldn't come to my wedding because it meant taking time off work, to be honest......How important is the relationship? Does your DP want to go?

Dearover · 04/01/2025 09:02

Just say we're really sorry but we can't get the time off work. Look forward to seeing the photos.

Don't embellish. It's not that unusual and anyone who does work understands that people have limited time and conflicting demands.

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StampOnTheGround · 04/01/2025 09:02

I've been to a lot of weekday weddings and the bride/groom had everyone there they wanted - it's a one off, if he's an old friend of your husband I think you're being mean.

SoldierofFortune · 04/01/2025 09:03

Could you combine it with a break in that part of the country? Take 5 days and just attend the wedding on 1?

Ginmonkeyagain · 04/01/2025 09:03

Just send a polite email thanking them for the invite saying sadly you won't be able to make it, but would love to meet up afterwards to toast their marriage.

peachystormy · 04/01/2025 09:03

Dearover · 04/01/2025 09:02

Just say we're really sorry but we can't get the time off work. Look forward to seeing the photos.

Don't embellish. It's not that unusual and anyone who does work understands that people have limited time and conflicting demands.

What she said. Also if it's such a long drive away and being midweek. they will probably understand

SparklyNewMe · 04/01/2025 09:04

When I got married last year, three couples have declined and it made us feel much better to get a hand written note from one. The reason does not matter but it was a comment that they will be sad to miss it and the effort to write and post it.

OurDreamLife · 04/01/2025 09:04

They will have to accept people can’t attended if they want a midweek wedding. I don’t see why anyone should use 3-5 days holiday.

MontyNojangles · 04/01/2025 09:04

Assuming you have an address for them, I'd decline online (I hate those things, so impersonal) send an email apologising saying you can't get the time off and then send a card and a gift.

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 04/01/2025 09:04

Is 2 days off work do-able?

Can you leave very early in the morning of the wedding day? Surely they aren’t getting married before 10 am? And if they are.. leave and drive home by 4pm!

It depends how close you are, I guess.

LlynTegid · 04/01/2025 09:05

I think a polite email or even a note in a card would be appropriate. Not just a no without any explanation.

catkatcatkat · 04/01/2025 09:05

I think it’s better not to explain. DH should send a message saying how sorry you’ll be to miss it, but don’t give a reason - it’s just better not to.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/01/2025 09:05

Thanks for the lovely invitation, unfortunately we're unable to attend. We wish you a wonderful day and all the best for your future together. Hope to see you soon.

Your logistical limitations are of no interest or relevance. This is their day. Make your response about them.

PicturePlace · 04/01/2025 09:05

I would drive there on the morning of the wedding, taking only two days off.

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 04/01/2025 09:06

CurlewKate · 04/01/2025 09:01

I think I would be pretty pissed off if a friend said they wouldn't come to my wedding because it meant taking time off work, to be honest......How important is the relationship? Does your DP want to go?

Then you could solve your anger by choosing to get married on a day and venue that suits your guests.
Next time you see the couple just say like it's obvious, your annual leave is all accounted for and you don't have 3 days to waste spare.

verycloakanddaggers · 04/01/2025 09:06

Ginmonkeyagain · 04/01/2025 09:03

Just send a polite email thanking them for the invite saying sadly you won't be able to make it, but would love to meet up afterwards to toast their marriage.

I'd do this but via a card.

You don't need to explain why.

Then send a nice gift and arrange a date to meet.

BuzzieLittleBee · 04/01/2025 09:06

CurlewKate · 04/01/2025 09:01

I think I would be pretty pissed off if a friend said they wouldn't come to my wedding because it meant taking time off work, to be honest......How important is the relationship? Does your DP want to go?

3 days off work though...? That's a lot. One day, yes. But 3 is a big ask. Especially when 2 of those days are spent on the road.

I'd drop them an email saying you're sorry to miss it, and look forward to seeing pics/meeting up afterwards to hear about it.

swingandtrampoline · 04/01/2025 09:07

Dearover · 04/01/2025 09:02

Just say we're really sorry but we can't get the time off work. Look forward to seeing the photos.

Don't embellish. It's not that unusual and anyone who does work understands that people have limited time and conflicting demands.

And then go on holiday :)

Hercisback1 · 04/01/2025 09:08

You don't need 3 days off for it. Drive early wedding day, drive back next day.

However, they decided mid week miles away so have to expect some declines.

JimHalpertsWife · 04/01/2025 09:10

I think I would be pretty pissed off if a friend said they wouldn't come to my wedding because it meant taking time off work, to be honest

A lot of people only get 20 days leave (plus banks), or are teachers so can't take term time days off. Imagine having to give three days of your precious 20 to someone you don't see much?

How important is the relationship?

To the bride and groom it's obviously not important enough to recognise that fewer people can attend a midweek wedding.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/01/2025 09:10

I would say "So sorry, we won't be able to make it due to work commitments".

RobinHood19 · 04/01/2025 09:10

“Dear A & B, thank you so much for your wedding invitation. We would be thrilled to join you for your special day, but unfortunately we are unable to take time off work during those days. We’ll be very sorry to miss it but wish you a wonderful time”.

You say they are old friends, but are they also close friends? I have needed to decline wedding invites that came 10-12 months early, due to the nature of my work. Only very close friends would understand how the industry works (in that I can’t book 2 days off if it’s in between a 5-week long project, I’d need to give up the 5 weeks. No exceptions, not even if it was for my own bloody wedding). Frankly though, I do not have the time nor the energy to explain this to everybody - because people don’t understand it, and think I’m just making excuses.

What I’m trying to say is, people have their own reasons for choosing to use the phrasing “unable to get off work”. Yours isn’t any less valid than someone who genuinely couldn’t because they got 2 weeks notice or whatever. Don’t feel guilty for declining and not giving an in-depth explanation, if it doesn’t work for your family, it doesn’t.

JC03745 · 04/01/2025 09:11

Hercisback1 · 04/01/2025 09:08

You don't need 3 days off for it. Drive early wedding day, drive back next day.

However, they decided mid week miles away so have to expect some declines.

I was going to suggest the same. Share the driving (is applicable) too.

Otherwise, no need to elaborate more than 'Unfortunately we are unable to attend, looking forward to catching up soon'

If I didn't attend and was close to them, I'd still give a gift of some sort.

Fireydog · 04/01/2025 09:11

I would send a card after declining online. As it’s midweek they shouldn’t be surprised some people can’t make it.

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