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Original poster

Etiquette when declining wedding invitation

57 replies

Stampoun · 04/01/2025 08:55

DH and I been invited to the wedding of an old friend he's known since childhood. There will be other old friends going too.
It's an online acceptance or decline and I'm wondering if we should also message the couple to tell them the reason we're not going?

It's awkward as the only reason we won't be going is because it's a weekday wedding. It's a 5 hour drive so we'd have to travel the day before the wedding and back the day after meaning 3 days off work for both of us. It's not that we don't have the leave as we're both into new holiday years now and the wedding isn't until July, but we don't want to use up 3 days leave for a wedding!

It's entirely up to the bride and groom what day they have the wedding and I feel if we give the reason it may sound like we're criticising what they've chosen. But DH feels it's blunt just to click decline button and not give a reason. We can't really lie and say we're away on holiday as the invite came in the Christmas card, so 8 months notice. And DH has also discussed it with another friend who will be going so he knows the reason.

What do others do when declining an invitation like this?

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 04/01/2025 09:11

I would do as @Dearover advised and send them a card.

Rainallnight · 04/01/2025 09:13

You absolutely must send a message, in some format, as well as clicking decline. Lots of great suggestions for wording on this thread.

Whoarethoseguys · 04/01/2025 09:14

I would send a personal message just to say you are sorry you won't be able to make it but you would like to send a gift so please let you know if they have a gift list or something like that.

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Eldermillenialyogi · 04/01/2025 09:25

If they've set up an online RSVP system I'd think one of the reasons is to keep the responses in one place. I would just decline (assuming there's no way to explain on there) and then explain when you next see or speak to them. They could just assume you have something on so I wouldn't feel the need to say straight away but also having a weekday wedding is a bit like getting married abroad in that you should expect some people may not be able to go.

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 04/01/2025 09:38

In this situation I would:

  1. Do exactly as has been requested of me and use the online click-to-decline thing. I would assume this will feed into their “system” and give them the pertinent information quickly and in the way they have decided is least stressful for them.
  2. Send a gift / gift of money if that is what they have asked for with a hand written note explaining that you weren’t able to come due to other commitments but you were sorry to miss their day etc.

The most polite thing is always to keep it about their day (and how sorry you are to have missed it) as much as possible and don’t talk too much about yourself and the reasons you can’t come. Too much talk about the distance / timing / time off work issue will seem more like feedback than a “with regrets”.

godmum56 · 04/01/2025 09:41

if the only option is a decline button then its ok to just use that. Its a nice thing to do to send them a good wishes card or email if you are not sending a gift with a card enclosed but its enough to say sorry we can't be with you and wish them well. "proper" traditional ettiquette says that you don't go into reasons.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/01/2025 09:41

Tbh, it all sounds a bit cold. This is a longstanding friend of DH getting married, you could do it in 2 days, or make a mini-break of it, but you're treating it like you'v been called for jury service or something much less pleasant. To describe it as wasting your leave makes it sound very transactional.
How much does DH like this friend? Does he want the friendship to continue? Because not going for that reason says " Sorry mate, you're not that important to me, I'd rather save a few days leave for a holiday I haven't even thought about booking yet. Your wedding will in no way live up to what I could be doing with that time. I like you, but not that much." Sure the friendship will continue, but at a less deep level. If that doesn't bother DH then so be it.
And if you do decline, it should be DH contacting his mate direct to explain...if you do it, it's putting the friendship at arms length.
Of course people choosing to have a midweek wedding will expect some people not to come, not everyone can take time off work, but that doesn't apply to DH, does it? He can, he just doesn't want to.
I'd say, either find a way to do it in 2 days, or take longer and make a nice break of it.

BarbaraHoward · 04/01/2025 09:42

Just hitting decline is a bit blunt. Send a message (doesn't need to be a card) saying you're so sorry you can't make it because of work, but you hope they have a great time and you can't wait to hear all about it afterwards.

ETA: but yeah for a good friend I'd happily take the leave.

Bluevelvetsofa · 04/01/2025 09:42

Some occupations mean that you cannot take weekday time off. In those situations, it’s not mean to decline, it’s simply not possible.

Rachmorr57 · 04/01/2025 09:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

deeahgwitch · 04/01/2025 09:50

lottiegarbanzo · 04/01/2025 09:05

Thanks for the lovely invitation, unfortunately we're unable to attend. We wish you a wonderful day and all the best for your future together. Hope to see you soon.

Your logistical limitations are of no interest or relevance. This is their day. Make your response about them.

This 💯and then send a nice gift and arrange to meet up as @verycloakanddaggers suggested.
You can hear all about the wedding and honeymoon then.

As someone said a long time ago on Mumsnet, it's an invitation not a summons.
You don't have to explain why you can't attend.

SparkyBlue · 04/01/2025 09:52

OP you are absolutely overthinking this. People don't attend weddings for all sorts of reasons honestly they won't mind. Just send a messsge with your best wishes saying you are unable to make it and send a card and small gift closer to the wedding. Lots of people would absolutely have holidays already booked and often can only take annual leave at peak holiday time around other colleagues leave so if a colleague was already on holidays that week then you can't take leave. We declined an invitation a few years ago as a similar set up a midweek wedding and we would have needed childcare for two nights which wasn't possible mid week. My sister would have taken them at the weekend but not during the week as she was off on holiday herself the following week so couldn't take annual leave and our normal babysitter was also working during the day.

DappledThings · 04/01/2025 09:55

You don't have to explain why but it would be polite to send a brief apology and fudge it a bit to say you won't be able to take the time off rather than you're unwilling to.

Is 3 days that much out of your leave allowance. I'd be making a little break of it and enjoying the time off if I had the leave available but then I love weddings 100 times more than the average MNer!

Sprogonthetyne · 04/01/2025 09:59

Click the button then send them a congratulations card saying something vague like "sorry we can't be there" but without detailing why

Ocsober · 04/01/2025 09:59

It completely depends on how close you are with these friends.
I use annual leave to see friends all the time, and took 6 days for weddings last year. But this was for really close friends.

GRCP · 04/01/2025 10:06

I would send a card saying thank you for the invitation and apologies we won't be able to make it. No need for reasons. After the card has arrived, click decline so they know numbers. Then send a congratulations card nearer the time with a voucher in it as a gift.

HardenYourHeart · 04/01/2025 10:07

Ginmonkeyagain · 04/01/2025 09:03

Just send a polite email thanking them for the invite saying sadly you won't be able to make it, but would love to meet up afterwards to toast their marriage.

This is what I would do too.

Chillilounger · 04/01/2025 10:20

Don't overthink it. They may be relieved. Weddings are expensive.

ExtraDisorganised · 04/01/2025 10:28

Don't say you don't want to take the time off work, that sounds really mean-spirited. I'd be looking at flights as an alternative to driving, making a break of it in their part of the country or ways to do it in two days, even drive up the night before and leave the wedding early evening to drive back again. I've never turned down a wedding invitation unless there was an actual clash with a holiday or another wedding.

Original poster
Stampoun · 04/01/2025 10:33

Thank you for the replies.
To answer a few questions he is a childhood friend but not a best friend.

We see them once a year in August (as they live 5 hours away!) So wont see them before the wedding.
We wouldn't do it in 2 days as the roads for part of the journey aren't good and it has taken nearer 7 hours once when the army happened to be on the rural roads with all their large trucks!

The obvious thing would be to make a week of it but we don't have the leave for that if we also want a family holiday and days to cover caring roles, Christmas shutdown at work etc.

Will do as suggested and reply online and then DH will send a card just saying we are sorry we can't join them but hope they have a wonderful day and look forward to seeing the photos. Not elaborate further. We would be giving a present anyway, whether we were invited to wedding or not.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 04/01/2025 10:45

DelphiniumBlue · 04/01/2025 09:41

Tbh, it all sounds a bit cold. This is a longstanding friend of DH getting married, you could do it in 2 days, or make a mini-break of it, but you're treating it like you'v been called for jury service or something much less pleasant. To describe it as wasting your leave makes it sound very transactional.
How much does DH like this friend? Does he want the friendship to continue? Because not going for that reason says " Sorry mate, you're not that important to me, I'd rather save a few days leave for a holiday I haven't even thought about booking yet. Your wedding will in no way live up to what I could be doing with that time. I like you, but not that much." Sure the friendship will continue, but at a less deep level. If that doesn't bother DH then so be it.
And if you do decline, it should be DH contacting his mate direct to explain...if you do it, it's putting the friendship at arms length.
Of course people choosing to have a midweek wedding will expect some people not to come, not everyone can take time off work, but that doesn't apply to DH, does it? He can, he just doesn't want to.
I'd say, either find a way to do it in 2 days, or take longer and make a nice break of it.

Agree with this! My cousin has decided she wants to get married in Portugal. Are we thrilled about taking probably 5 days off for her wedding? Not really. Do I care about the relationship and want to support her? Of course I do.

So I will suck it up and do the thing to invest in the relationship that is important to me. The extent to which it is reasonable for it to be so is up for debate but this will definitely be friendship damaging if you don’t attend because you don’t want to take time off work.

And it doesn’t matter if you say “can’t get time off work”. They will assume you haven’t tried hard enough with 8 months notice.

It might even be fun OP!

JimHalpertsWife · 04/01/2025 10:47

The only reason people pick a Tues/Wed/Thurs wedding is because they are usually significantly cheaper. It totally changes the mood of a wedding, with a higher % of declines and a significant number of guests leaving at 9/10pm as they "have work tomorrow".

Fine if you want that to happen at your wedding, but then you can't be miffed that the majority of your guests have been quite disadvantaged by the savings you've pursued, and it's not actually very good "hosting" is it?

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 04/01/2025 10:48

I also disagree with the people who have said don’t elaborate on a reason - I would be pretty pissed off if someone I had known my whole life just said they weren’t coming to my wedding and didn’t at least say why!

Pinkissmart · 04/01/2025 10:49

BarbaraHoward · 04/01/2025 09:42

Just hitting decline is a bit blunt. Send a message (doesn't need to be a card) saying you're so sorry you can't make it because of work, but you hope they have a great time and you can't wait to hear all about it afterwards.

ETA: but yeah for a good friend I'd happily take the leave.

Edited

This

Doggymummar · 04/01/2025 10:53

I wouldn't tell them the excuse you have, as that basically is saying, you're not important enough to us to use annual leave for. They're not going to change the date for you. Just add a note asking where to send your card and present and look forward to seeing the photos.