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Original poster

Etiquette when declining wedding invitation

57 replies

Stampoun · 04/01/2025 08:55

DH and I been invited to the wedding of an old friend he's known since childhood. There will be other old friends going too.
It's an online acceptance or decline and I'm wondering if we should also message the couple to tell them the reason we're not going?

It's awkward as the only reason we won't be going is because it's a weekday wedding. It's a 5 hour drive so we'd have to travel the day before the wedding and back the day after meaning 3 days off work for both of us. It's not that we don't have the leave as we're both into new holiday years now and the wedding isn't until July, but we don't want to use up 3 days leave for a wedding!

It's entirely up to the bride and groom what day they have the wedding and I feel if we give the reason it may sound like we're criticising what they've chosen. But DH feels it's blunt just to click decline button and not give a reason. We can't really lie and say we're away on holiday as the invite came in the Christmas card, so 8 months notice. And DH has also discussed it with another friend who will be going so he knows the reason.

What do others do when declining an invitation like this?

OP posts:
FoxtonFoxton · 04/01/2025 10:55

I'd send a card in the post and then decline a few days afterwards online. I couldn't do a midweek wedding either; they won't be too surprised people can't make it.

BarbaraHoward · 04/01/2025 11:05

Stampoun · 04/01/2025 10:33

Thank you for the replies.
To answer a few questions he is a childhood friend but not a best friend.

We see them once a year in August (as they live 5 hours away!) So wont see them before the wedding.
We wouldn't do it in 2 days as the roads for part of the journey aren't good and it has taken nearer 7 hours once when the army happened to be on the rural roads with all their large trucks!

The obvious thing would be to make a week of it but we don't have the leave for that if we also want a family holiday and days to cover caring roles, Christmas shutdown at work etc.

Will do as suggested and reply online and then DH will send a card just saying we are sorry we can't join them but hope they have a wonderful day and look forward to seeing the photos. Not elaborate further. We would be giving a present anyway, whether we were invited to wedding or not.

Thanks everyone

I wouldn't reply online then send a card - they'll get the denial with no nice words ages before the card. Just use a text or email.

twentysevendresses · 04/01/2025 11:07

CurlewKate · 04/01/2025 09:01

I think I would be pretty pissed off if a friend said they wouldn't come to my wedding because it meant taking time off work, to be honest......How important is the relationship? Does your DP want to go?

Well how self-absorbed are you? 😂

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Toooldforlonghair · 04/01/2025 11:24

It would be nice to send a note but I wouldn't get too worked up about it. My daughter had a weekday wedding in order to put people off coming without offending them. We have a large extended family who would 'kick off' at not receiving an invite and would happily come at a weekend (free drink etc) but not attend if they had to give something up to do so. The weekday choice was my suggestion.It worked. The people we really cared came and my DD was saved from a lot of anguish and stress. It could be different though if someone very close had declined and might have affected the relationship going forward but only you and your DH know whether this is the case.

Nextyearhopes · 04/01/2025 11:25

Weekday weddings are selfish IMO. Expecting your guests to take the financial/AL hit to save YOU some money.

ExtraDisorganised · 04/01/2025 11:31

It seems to me that you can’t win with weddings on MN. Have an expensive weekend wedding but some of the guests are only invited to the evening - selfish, you should invite them all to the whole thing. Have a weekday wedding so you can afford to invite them to the whole thing - selfish, you should have had it at the weekend.

Just say sorry, you can’t make it and leave it at that. If you aren’t that close I’m sure they won’t mind.

Winterskyfall · 04/01/2025 13:49

CurlewKate · 04/01/2025 09:01

I think I would be pretty pissed off if a friend said they wouldn't come to my wedding because it meant taking time off work, to be honest......How important is the relationship? Does your DP want to go?

No one is entitled to 3 days annual leave because they want a cheaper wedding. People should come because they want to be there, not because the bride is going to throw a strop.

OP I'd send a handwritten note with my apologies for not being able to make it (no reason given) and I'd spend extra on the gift.

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