Should people be more mindful in these situations?

[Pileofsugar]

I had a gp appointment during my lunch break and as I walked in there was a young woman at reception shouting and crying being consoled by some people in the waiting room. The receptionist had asked her something about her mum filling out x form for her which she’d responded that her mum had passed and they should have known that as she’d removed her from the patients list this week.
It got me thinking, there are so many assumptions everyone has family and people to rely on. I’ve had workmen asking if I can get my mum over for the appointment when I couldn’t be home, I don’t have a mum and resent people assuming this. Ive had people who don’t know me say “oh you probably left it at your mums house or can your mum babysit so you can come along for drinks”.
I felt bad for the girl in the gp surgery knowing she will also have to correct people from now on. It was made public on SM and the receptionist has been brutally called out.
It may seem really over sensitive what with the snowflake generation we seem to now be, but situations like these can be hurtful, especially after seeing how upset the girl was. Mental health is a real and serious issue. It doesn’t affect me anymore but it’s still irritating correcting people who then want to know details.
Should people in professional jobs be less specific and ask about ‘relatives’ rather than ‘mum/dad’? Do you correct people each time in this situation? Or are you someone who assumes they have a mum/dad? Would love to hear people’s experiences.

Said as someone who's both parent are long dead , that unless she looked / was under 18 it's irrelevant if the parent is alive . Once a person is 18 they are seen as able to make decisions on their own health and sign any p/work.
The receptionist should have her details up on the screen , and see her d.o.b.
It sounds like she assumed a parent would be available but maybe it would have been better to say caregiver , as easy mistake , but the young woman does sound a tad over sensitive .

No. Absolutely not. People are ridiculously petty and infantile nowadays.

It was just a mistake and not even a big one.

One more generation on from this one and none of them will even get out of the bed they are in provided by someone else.

To be fair to the young woman, her mother's death sends to have been very recent, if she'd just taken her name off the surgery list.
But the guy putting it on social media has no excuse.

my husband’s son passed away, every time someone asks him the perfectly normal question, ‘how many kids do you have?’ I see him thinking about the answer. Does he answer 2 or does he say 3 but one passed away.

my dad passed away when I was very young, there’s been countless times people have asked about my parents. When grief is very raw it’s difficult to respond and I don’t think our society’s view on death helps. There’s little public mourning.

But professionals and just people can’t help but tread on difficult ground sometimes unknowingly. Resilience is called for. I feel really sorry for the receptionist.

Nobody is in the wrong. My mum died when I was in my very early 20s. For the next 15 years people just assumed she was still alive because it is normal and expected for a mother to still be alive when her child is still a youngish adult. But now that I'm my 40s people tentitively ask because it's less unusual to have lost a parent by this age. Why be upset or resentful when people assume something perfectly normal? It's no one's fault that you, the woman at the GP surgery, and I are in minority.

I'm going to get roasted, but I'm going to stick my neck out and say it nonetheless: I think shouting and crying in public to the point multiple people intervened to console her was an overreaction on the part of the young woman to a fairly mundane question.

It's a brutal world out there, and nobody is going to tiptoe around other people's feelings. Everyone has their own stuff going on: by all means the young lady, but also the receptionist, who didn't deserve being "called out" on social media by some random self-important bloke.

Agreed. Also it's a long road ahead, she will have to deal with this A LOT. "What are you doing for Mother's Day" "Is your mum helping with the baby?" "When can I meet your mum?" Etc... etc...

The first time I was asked my marital status after my separation, I found it a little upsetting. And when I was asked who my next of kin is. But I kept all of this to myself. The medical practitioner was just asking me routine questions. The same questions they ask over and over again, every day. There was no malice intended. So I answered her calmly.

Whoever put that story on social media was totally out of line. It was very unfair to vilify the receptionist in that manner. And totally hypocritical - calling out the receptionist for being uncaring or insensitive, but without any consideration for how upsetting it might be for the receptionist to be subjected to a witch hunt in this manner.

Unfortunately the reputation and some reality of GP receptionists is such that the person who posted it on social media probably felt justified in doing so.

You felt sorry for the girl. I hear that story and feel very sorry for the receptionist. Being shouted at in public for making a mistake at work and then having it put on SM for more people to pile in.

Grief is shit but it shouldn’t be used as an opportunity to bully someone on SM for making a mistake.

Also the reference to ‘mum’ specifically is probably a slip of the tongue because 99% of the time younger people are asked if they have a responsible adult over 18 they say ‘yes I’ll call my mum’

If the young woman, presume still a minor, lost her mum what a week or so ago, so perhaps even Christmas Day, wouldn't someone be with her at the doctor?

Hopefully after her breakdown she will be getting more looked after by anyone.

The SM posting is a disgrace and you should report it OP. Trial by fucking Facebook. Hopefully the GP surgery will deal with the man who posted it somehow.

As for expecting society to stop making normal, innocent assumptions so you don't get resentful, can you see how ridiculous that sounds? How are people you don't know asking you to ask your mum to babysit to go out for a drink? Because if they know have babysitting aged kids they don't "not know you" surely? Sounds a bit made up to me OP so you can start a post.

If the person was mature and capable enough to deregister her DM from the surgery, what admin forms can't she fill out for herself? (I am assuming admin rather than related to medical history as it was a conversation at reception).

Grief is irrational and can be an emotional rollercoaster and as an adoptee, I fully understand the hassle of having to explain an unusual family history, but this feels performative to me.

Well this is just it, there are plenty of words you can use instead of or in addition to parents. When I was at primary school in the 1990s everything said "parent or guardian" on it.

@Pileofsugar weird thread

you say yourself you don't know what happened - you don't know what the situation was but you think people should be more mindful "in these situations"?

you refer to a "girl" - how old was she?

we have to accept these references after a bereavement. People don't know unless they're told

this "girl" will have to deal with many admin calls, junk mail etc.

but I feel bad for the receptionist. We're all going to suffer losses but being publicly criticised that isn't a given in life. Yet!

And even if you did instruct all professionals, or people asking you out for a drink to say
"Is there anyone you can call/ask?"
For some people, they would post on here "why do people just assume.......it would accentuate their loneliness.

You can't win. Some people will get the hump no matter what you do/say/innocently assume. Which is when it then returns to being their problem not yours to fix.

I'm with you, OP.

I've lost both parents, and did so fairly young. It IS upsetting when people make assumptions, regardless. Usually there is no need to be asking another adult directly about their parents unless in a care setting. Certainly not in small talk. Certainly not in terms of childcare.

TeabySea

'I've lost both parents, and did so fairly young' so did I.

That doesn't make your thoughts correct and mine incorrect, there is no correct / incorrect feelings here just personal ones.

Do we really want to get to the stage where we sit in silence, never look at other people, never help someone, never be a decent human because we may hurt ONE persons feelings.

We don't know how old the 'girl' in the surgery was; 8 y.o. fair enough, 18 y.o. then they are an adult and need to realise life will not revolve around them. There are going to be many difficult situations in adult life that we have to deal with, we cant crumble every time someone uses a 'sad' word.

Some people are more emotional but it doesn't make them a 'drama queen'. If someone had asked me about my Mum shortly after she'd died I would have broken down and cried. We all grieve differently, although clearly there is no excuse for being abusive.

Mental health is a real and serious issue

Indeed it is.

I wonder how the mental health of the receptionist is after being the subject of a witch hunt on social media? Not great I'm betting.

Reacting in grief is one thing, complaining about it is understandable when grieving. A witch hunt on SM by a 3rd party? Which in your own words was 'brutal' - unreasonable and unacceptable.

So true @Oldenpeculiar - that poor receptionist. I really hope she is ok.

@Oldenpeculiar absolutely agree. That poor receptionist was just doing her job and now has been shamed on Facebook. How about their mental health? Maybe they've just had some terrible news or going through an awful time. I know this sounds awful but some people do very much overreact. Yes she lost her mum. Yes that's awful but there's no need for that over a simple question. My brother was murdered same time as my dd was born. Went through awful time that year. Most people will have gone through awful times. I just hope that wasn't the last straw for the receptionist.

As someone who has lost both my mum and a daughter, I've been the recipient of many awkward, and painful interactions such as this.

I've never used it as an excuse to kick off at someone.

I can understand the girls reaction somewhat because grief does awful things to you and moments like this can catch you off guard. Your reaction and posting about it is strange though, that receptionist probably spoke to 100s of people that day. I feel for her tbh.

It's getting harder and harder to actually work nowadays as everyone thinks they can call you out, (aka bully you). You'll never get it right all the time, never.