Should people be more mindful in these situations?

[Pileofsugar]

I had a gp appointment during my lunch break and as I walked in there was a young woman at reception shouting and crying being consoled by some people in the waiting room. The receptionist had asked her something about her mum filling out x form for her which she’d responded that her mum had passed and they should have known that as she’d removed her from the patients list this week.
It got me thinking, there are so many assumptions everyone has family and people to rely on. I’ve had workmen asking if I can get my mum over for the appointment when I couldn’t be home, I don’t have a mum and resent people assuming this. Ive had people who don’t know me say “oh you probably left it at your mums house or can your mum babysit so you can come along for drinks”.
I felt bad for the girl in the gp surgery knowing she will also have to correct people from now on. It was made public on SM and the receptionist has been brutally called out.
It may seem really over sensitive what with the snowflake generation we seem to now be, but situations like these can be hurtful, especially after seeing how upset the girl was. Mental health is a real and serious issue. It doesn’t affect me anymore but it’s still irritating correcting people who then want to know details.
Should people in professional jobs be less specific and ask about ‘relatives’ rather than ‘mum/dad’? Do you correct people each time in this situation? Or are you someone who assumes they have a mum/dad? Would love to hear people’s experiences.

I can’t see where it says they filmed it

I think it’s totally reasonable to have a huge emotional reaction when you’re recently bereaved and that it’s good people comforted her. Also totally normal for a busy receptionist to not have connected the 2 facts even if she was the one to have heard about the mum passing. Hopefully a coworker reassured the receptionist and no hard feelings.

Filming and posting on social media is awful - it sounds like the 2 people involved both had no ill intent

Wow...... I am lost for words (unusually!), I'm baffled by people wanting to be offended at the tiniest opportunity these days... I have never even thought to be offended that strangers don't know whether my Mum is alive or passed (she's passed). It's a busy & chaotic world! Nobody in this situation was doing anything malicious with intent.

"I’ve had workmen asking if I can get my mum over for the appointment when I couldn’t be home, I don’t have a mum and resent people assuming this. Ive had people who don’t know me say “oh you probably left it at your mums house or can your mum babysit so you can come along for drinks”."

You must look about 15. I don't see why this would be happening otherwise

In theory this is fine, but in reality there are situations where what the op has described is just not appropriate. For example if someone has grown up via the care system. I've worked with lots of young people who have to put their social worker as NOK because they just don't have anyone else. I think when you make assumptions you are showing lack of awareness and empathy. And yeah it's fine when one person does it, but when it's all the time and across the board then it's just an extra load someone who has had a loss of some description has to carry. And that by default wears down resilience. Plus, any persons level of resilience by nature will change with time. People naturally become less resilient as they age or as they experience trauma or a combination of adverse situations. Someone who is highly resilient today, under the right conditions could be significantly less resilient tomorrow. So if you want to teach children to be resilient then first you need to learn that it's not a steady thing. If there's a way I can make that load slightly lighter for someone who's resilience is at a low ebb why wouldn't I do that? I want my child to grow up to be resilient and know how to look after their resilience yes, I also want him to grow up to be empathetic and act with kindness and compassion.

Watching someone grin and bear something also doesn't teach children resilience any more than watching someone react badly to something so I'm not sure what role modelling you think would have happened here.

You're right, it could have been described.

Still very poor form though, don't you think?

One of my oldest best friends grew up without a mum or dad, mum passed when she was very young and dad followed. I don’t assume people have their parents around or family on that basis. I will ask tentatively if someone has anyone else that can help, I don’t assume. I’m in my 50s not a gen z. It’s just tact and being aware that people can have different circumstances to me, it’s not hard.

I will also say that I absolutely hate trial by social media. It is the worst.

Nobody has ‘attacked’ you. 🙄
This is exactly what we’re talking about re: lack of resilience.

I'm guessing the girls mother has supported her with forms and appointments in the past as I do for my own adult daughter who has some learning difficulties. The receptionist obviously didn't know she had died.

As for workmen randomly asking for if your mum can wait in or a friend asking if you left something at your mums is just plain weird 🤨

Agreed - this is really odd. I have never come across this - no references to my parents by people I don’t know.

How strange for a workman to say this. And very, very unusual.

Thanks to those who see my point of view (I’m autistic and struggle to explain myself sometimes). Resilience begins with children raised knowing how to handle their feelings and emotions, if they aren’t stable in that area then they will be deeply affected by what they consider inconsideration.
As I said I don’t let my situation define me anymore, If someone mentions my mum I shrug it off as they don’t know me. But it is exhausting when it’s often which is what this poor girl is probably going through.
The post was by a man who consoled the girl, no video, before I arrived other things happened so I don’t know the full story but in the view points of those there the receptionist was in the wrong. I won’t comment as I wasn’t there when it began so I have no right to an opinion.
mums seem to be the go to relative, of course it applies to any relative though.
sadly I don’t look 15 anymore, I’m 40 and wrinkled 😅.

it’s awful the young girl was upset and has lost her mum. I feel for her. But also feel for the receptionist who was just doing her job and for the vast majority of patients she wouldn’t have upset at all.
Being mindful of the language we use is important but unless someone is deliberately trying to upset you we need to be more resilient.
When I was getting married I was asked by a colleague if my dad’s walking me down the aisle. I said no cos he was dead. The same colleague then asked if my mum and dad are still together. No cos he’s dead. The same colleague a while later…. Bet your mum and dad are so proud of their new granddaughter…. Yes my mum is but my dad’s still dead. 🙈 my poor colleague was mortified everytime but just forgot. It was never intended to upset me. Just a little thoughtless but I was never upset by it. I do now wind my colleague up from time to time to be fair. Remind her my dad’s still dead if she mentions my family. She’s still mortified but we do laugh about it.

if we get upset by every assumption I would ask…. Did they check the girls pronouns before writing about it on social media? What if the girl actually identifies as a boy???? We shouldn’t assume should we?! I’m being pedantic but just an example of mistakes people can make everyday.

This!

No, unless she died in the last week or so I'd expect the person dealing with the surgery to be upset but not hysterical to the level and able to answer queries.

The thing is - and its taken me a while
to come to this view, from my own experience - is that nearly everyone has a loss or trauma etc that people they interact with in their daily life might inadvertently hit a nerve/be ‘insensitive’ to.
It’s Impossible to never ever trigger people… within reason obviously.
It upsets you when people
assume your mum is still in your life, but maybe you make assumptions or
mention things in passing too that you are unaware are a sensitive topic to them.

I do agree with this, and with the first 4 replies to your OP (plus many other later ones).

I also agree that the only person who has been wronged here is the Receptionist. I'm amazed anyone is willing to do the job these days.

Yes, it's natural to be upset and start crying at anything when you have just lost your Mum, but you can't expect everyone you meet to be aware of that and you can't expect society at large to stop mentioning 'your Mum / Dad / sister / friend' etc, on the off chance that you have recently lost one of those. It is a ridiculous suggestion.

Seems no one can ask a question without being attacked these days!

Oh the irony of you saying that!

Blimey, you cannot expect people to tiptoe around every situation, everyone has their own jobs and lives to get on with. No one is the centre of anyone else’s life - and it’s very unhealthy to act as if you are - which the woman making a scene at the GPs was.

Speaking as someone who has lost the person I lived most in the world, who I watched die and went through an awful bereavement, and who knows that grief is not rational…

This girl has behaved appallingly. Of course she is upset that her mother has died, but how on Earth did she draw the conclusion that the receptionist mentioned her mother ‘purely to get at her’, thus ‘warranting’ a tyrade of hysteria. A simple ‘my mother is deceased’ (and maybe stepping away to have a private cry if needed). And as for posting on SM - this just sums up her lack of maturity.

I was recently asked by a wellwisher whether I had spent Christmas with my deceased loved one (she did not know she had died). I quietly told her, smiled and got on with my day. Of course it pulled on the heart, but who would have benefited for me behaving like a dick and yelling at her?

I lost my Mum when I was very young. Has never bothered me in the slightest when people automatically assume I still have a mother alive.

You are being a bit precious OP.

This.

There's no single universal way to treat everyone especially if you don't know their situations.

My background is complex. When I was young and family relationships more relevant to life, tiptoeing around my background was more annoying than honest mistakes. I just wanted people to accept my interpretation of my family and not correct it or euphemise it.
But that could also trigger someone else.

DF died at a transition point in my youth. No sooner had I had to face telling everyone about it when it happened, but within a couple of months it had to be explained all over again in my new setting. That's life.

Don't be ridiculous.
You can't expect people to always contemplate every possible scenario to avoid hurting people whenever they want to say something.
It's like someone saying "oh that is a schoolboy error" and then the man listening breaks down and begins to cry because they never went to school...
For goodness sake...

Oh for goodness sakes. Death happens and if we all fell apart every time that person was mentioned we could hardly get out of bed every day! My DH died suddenly relatively young. But no one has ever said 'can you get your husband/mother/father to do X'. And I'd look at them funny if they had! But if they did I certainly wouldn't be falling apart either.

Wow. This is really sad. Grief is the most pain I’ve ever felt in my life. I feel very sad for the girl