Should people be more mindful in these situations?

[Pileofsugar]

I had a gp appointment during my lunch break and as I walked in there was a young woman at reception shouting and crying being consoled by some people in the waiting room. The receptionist had asked her something about her mum filling out x form for her which she’d responded that her mum had passed and they should have known that as she’d removed her from the patients list this week.
It got me thinking, there are so many assumptions everyone has family and people to rely on. I’ve had workmen asking if I can get my mum over for the appointment when I couldn’t be home, I don’t have a mum and resent people assuming this. Ive had people who don’t know me say “oh you probably left it at your mums house or can your mum babysit so you can come along for drinks”.
I felt bad for the girl in the gp surgery knowing she will also have to correct people from now on. It was made public on SM and the receptionist has been brutally called out.
It may seem really over sensitive what with the snowflake generation we seem to now be, but situations like these can be hurtful, especially after seeing how upset the girl was. Mental health is a real and serious issue. It doesn’t affect me anymore but it’s still irritating correcting people who then want to know details.
Should people in professional jobs be less specific and ask about ‘relatives’ rather than ‘mum/dad’? Do you correct people each time in this situation? Or are you someone who assumes they have a mum/dad? Would love to hear people’s experiences.

Also I can’t believe some people are saying that the person that they feel the most sorry for is the receptionist? It’s unfortunate for them, but losing a parent, especially at the start is awful.

I lost both parent when I was in my thirties. I don’t expect people to know this, it’s not written on my medical record anywhere. I’ve never been asked on any health registration form who is still alive. At work we don’t have a big tick box screen that flashes up. I understand the state of mind that overwhelms you in the first few days. You just want everyone to understand what you are going through.But turning to social media is for one reason only, public affirmation.

If we didn’t have SM would this woman run around the town stopping everyone and telly them her story. Would she pin notices on every lamppost and shop window. Probably not, so why is it ok to do it online.

Frankly it’s pretty normal patient behaviour. Most don’t realise that they are just one of 10s of thousands of patients. I have been caught out asking about a family members health. The patient will be upsetout but often it’s an oversight. We generally put pop up notes on their records so everyone knows, but a new member of staff may forget.

I regularly read the local obituaries to stay ahead of the game. My DH thinks I’m morbid but it does save embarrassment and distress.

The other thing that patients moan about is not recieving reminders (dentist) they will rant on at reception and threaten all manner of reporting/ bad reviews until the staff check that we have the correct phone number or email, at which point 9/10 have failed to update their contact details. I know smart phones are good but not that good. For data protection and confidential reasons we would not accept a change of details via an email that doesn’t match the one we have. And our system doesn’t accept texts.
We actually use secure portals now and if a patients is changing anything we send out a link to the email we have on record or they have to do it face to face.

I’m pretty certain that notice of death is automatically sent to GP because they have to be removed from the list. It is fraudulent to continue claiming payment for a deceased patient. And verbal notification from the patient’s family is not formal enough.

I do feel sorry for the receptionist because she will have to go through a complaints procedure because someone has encouraged the woman to complain. Yet more time and NHS money wasted. If it’s a small community she will be abused at work by the friends and supporters of the woman ( pack mentality ) and she will struggle to go round Tescos without someone pointing her out.
GP receptionist have to have a hide like a rhino.

I had a nine and six year old that had to say their dad was dead quite often. They just said it and then got in with life. Often think adults should be more like children.

this post reminds me of something i read recently, maybe on MN?

someone saying we shouldn’t use the term ‘skull crushers’ when doing exercise
because she was at an exercise class one day and someone left crying because a relative of theirs had had an accident and their skull has been crushed.

And this is why dealing with the general public is such a nightmare these days, and no-one wants to do it anymore.
Everyone needs to toughen up and stop looking for offence at every turn. Its exhausting.

"surely a ‘do you have a relative or carer/friend over 18 who can do xyz’ is a more appropriate request"

How dare you, my parents are both dead, my aunts/uncles are abusive, my sibling is in jail, I have no friends as I was bullied my whole life, and what do I need a carer for, are you saying I appear disabled? You have triggered my trauma.

**none of this is true.
But see how ridiculous this is? People might as well just stop talking to others altogether. You could pick anything and make it 'offensive'.

Nobody has a right not to be offended.

How spiteful of the patient is an alternative view. To attack a receptionist for an innocent mistake. That view would probably not be reasonable of course but all this situation needed was the patient to say that actually her mother has recently passed away, the receptionist to say they were very sorry for the mistake ..... And that's it. Sympathies mostly lie with the receptionist here for the fall out.

No they don't not.

Calling out someone on social media is far nastier and more harmful than referring to someone’s mum when they didn’t know she had died.

It may seem really over sensitive what with the snowflake generation we seem to now be, but situations like these can be hurtful, especially after seeing how upset the girl was. Mental health is a real and serious issue.

But surely MN has always been a "serious thing". Do we have to walk on egg shells now, fearful that we can't say a word in case we offend someone?

whats the world coming to that a GP receptionist, doing their job, gets "called out brutally" - why?? for stating some facts. OK so sadly the mother had since died, but honestly, having a meltdown down in the reception just because she mentioned the woman's mother is completely OTT.

I do feel sorry for the receptionist because she will have to go through a complaints procedure because someone has encouraged the woman to complain. Yet more time and NHS money wasted.

Crazy isn't it (oops sorry am I allowed to say crazy - sorry if anyone is crazy on here), I can imagine people stabbing away on their keyboards on SM, whipped up into a frenzy and brutally "calling out" aka bullying that poor receptionist and telling the woman to lodge a complaint. How ghastly.

OP it sounds like you're connecting two quite different things here.

It reads as if this young woman's mother had previously helped her with forms at the surgery and the receptionist was referencing that. (This receptionist was unaware the young woman's mother had died because receptionists deal with thousands of patients in a fast-paced role, are not usually the only receptionist and are not all-knowing computer-brains.)

You then segue into instances when strangers have assumed you are reliant on your mother.

The first instance is entirely unsurprising - being based on specific (if out of date) knowledge. The second is odd and unusual, being based entirely on an assumption - yet being weirdly specific (the idea that your mother lived nearby so you might have left your keys there).

People do make assumptions and generalisations based on their own life experiences, all the time. What would be unusual is multiple strangers making the same specific assumption.

What I get from your post though is the widening divide between people's expectation of customer-facing service staff - that they are not just consummate but perfect adults - contrasted with an expectation that they may regard themselves as dependent children and behave accordingly.

Whatever happened to ordinary interactions between adults?

I feel sorry for the receptionist.
I have no time for drama queens. The person could have just said, “my mum has recently passed away” and problem solved.
I’ve never understood the need for weeping and wailing.

It sounds to me as if the young woman was completely overreacting, she cannot realistically expect a GPs receptionist to realise her mum has died because had her removed from the patient list, GPs have thousands of patients and multiple staff, all it needed was for her to say actually my mum died recently, and if she was upset to step away and have a cry, there was no need to put it on social media or be rude to the receptionist.

my bf lost her mum 12 years ago.

people talk about their mother in front of her… it hurts her at times.

does it mean we should take care when we talk about parents? Or family members?

the receptionist made a mistake make the assumption but the reaction of the person is over the top. Calling the receptionist out on SM is terrible

Yes! This!

I note it was an interfering, self-righteous man who put the post on social media, not the wailing woman herself.

He might want to reflect on the additional burden of public attention he has drawn to the woman's loss and to a loss of control she might later find embarrassing, upsetting and prefer to have been able to forget - one he's used as material for his own little crusade.

More generally, level of upset does not correlate neatly with level of offence.

I’ve had workmen asking if I can get my mum over for the appointment when I couldn’t be home, I don’t have a mum and resent people assuming this. Ive had people who don’t know me say “oh you probably left it at your mums house or can your mum babysit so you can come along for drinks”
I have no mum, it very very rarely comes up, never has in any of these contexts. It's a very strange thing for people to say in these contexts. I could imagine saying, "do you have someone who could babysit/ come over for the appointment," But specifically asking if your mum can do these things is strange.

The crying outburst isn't great but shit happens, sometimes you get overwhelmed when grieving. The "calling out" on social media is dreadful though.

I always live by the rule never trust someone who takes pleasure in calling out, it says more about them than whatever is being called out.

I'm a widow. I still wear my wedding ring. So yes, it's a very regular occurrence for people to ask about my husband, assuming that I have one.

Even in the very early days it didn't occur to me to blame people for that assumption. I just quietly told them that I was widowed, and then felt a bit bad for them because they always felt bad.

Shaming the receptionist on social media was crass, and far worse than her unintended mistake.

I agree in an ideal world, it's a relentless and thankless job, it would be impossible for a GP receptionist to happen to know the familial situation of every patient. In this case it's a shame as it was understandably upsetting, but unless there's more funding for more resources which allows people in these types of jobs to do background checks before speaking then not sure what people expect. Using neutral language like family member could be triggering for people with zero family, where does it end?

My mum died when I was 16. I have had a lifetime of explaining to new friends and colleagues that my mum died as, reasonably, people assumed at my age I would have two living parents.

It is hard (mainly dealing with their embarrassment) but not something I have ever blamed anyone for - they aren't to know. Also the feelings of sadness or awkwardness I may feel when it comes up but that is normal and my feelings to deal with.

We have really got to stop being so weird about death as a sociey.