Do you hide purchases from dh?

[Thornybush]

I just got a big order delivered from the sales. Wfh but dh is off today , luckily I got a notification of delivery so I was able to run down and hide it before he saw 😅 He's always on my back about packages coming all the time but he only sees a quarter of it. lol. Anyone else?

So do you sometimes not go on holiday then? Or he covers more of the cost?

Sometimes I do, yeah!

I'm not in debt, overspending or out of control and I'm spending my own money.

My DH is not abusive or financially controlling. What he definitely is, which I am not, is a person who really only buys things for himself that he needs. I've never really in 20 years know him to make frivolous purchases.

I should add that he is not generally stingy or mean, he's a very thoughtful gift-giver and will spend on things like holidays. But he's very financially responsible and considers big spends carefully (along with me!).

He just does not get me buying things that I don't need, randomly treating myself for no reason, or just buying something I've seen for the simple reason I like it. I cannot be doing with him asking 'what's that you've bought now?', 'but you've already got a black handbag!' Sort of comments and his eye-rolling. So sometimes yep, I'm definitely happier when deliveries arrive when he's in the office!

And as for him noticing new things... hahahah no! Unless it's something really noticeable for the house then he doesn't notice anything like that.

No. It's my money; he has his and I have mine. We obviously pool together bills and holidays, big purchases, etc., but everything else is ours. He just bought a giant coffin-shaped cat play area and basket. I'm ordering an absolutely ridiculous Norbot (from the new Wallace & Gromit) funkopop. If he had something to say, I'd be giving him sharp words...and I'd hope vice versa!

No it’s my money.
I wouldn’t live like this. It reminds me of friends of my mum 30 years ago whose husbands controlled the money.

No, I work hard, earn more than he does, we have no debts other than mortgage , have savings, all bills paid, family holidays etc so my fin money is too do with as I please and he wouldn't ever question one of my purchases. You've got an issue here, either you spend beyond your brand and he's rightfully not happy about that or you have a financially controlling partner.

I never hide things I've bought unless specifically presents for DH.

And if I felt I had to hide deliveries - as PPs have said - that would suggest something was wrong, and either he was controlling, or I was spending more than I should be.

But I also don't need to get permission to buy anything, and it would be a dealbreaker for me if a partner wanted to police how I spent my own money.

We discuss and agree big buys for the house together - not least because we usually will both need to top up the joint account to fund them, as we only pay in what's needed to cover bills, savings, mortgage and everyday spending. Also - because if buying e.g. a new sofa then we should probably both like it.

Small and medium size stuff people just buy from the joint with no need to discuss. Anything for the toddler or food shops or family / friends presents we just pop on the joint without discussing also.

I will often discuss my personal spending with him because I want his opinion.. e.g. I'm considering these shoes, do you think they're nice? Or which colour handbag? Or what do you think of this necklace? Or whatever. He's got good taste and he's interested in that stuff.

In the past if I've said is it a bit expensive (or whatever) he's likely to say "treat yourself, you deserve it" or similar so there's no restrictions or eye rolling in that arena.

I also will often tell him if I've bought myself something because I'm excited, so he knows when parcels are coming and what's in them. But that's just sharing in life I think.

This is long-winded, but I think my overall view is that if you specifically have to hide spending, then that suggests something is not quite right either in terms of communication or control, and I think it's telling that a few PPs have said they hide spending because their partners are controlling. The word hiding specifically invokes a sense of fear of being found out.

I also think it is important that people who are married (and therefore financially linked in terms of Credit Reference Agencies) are able to be transparent about their finances, and compromise on shared spending and savings goals, otherwise it's a recipe for disaster / resentment

Only if it is a surprise present for him.

Never why would you need to?

Not quite, but I don't tell him everything I buy either. We both work and I'm within my budget, but he is really good at just not buying anything and sees any sort of non essentials as a bit frivolous. He buys clothes once a year maybe and then only a few items. He doesn't even really use deodorant or any cosmetics except that 4 in 1 crap in the shower 😂

So he doesn't get any joy out if hearing I've found a beautiful new coat or whatever

I suppose the main difference is that I come from a city where everyone (it seems) is stylish. People look smart all the time and shopping is probably the main hobby for most people. This is completely different from where we live (dh is from) as it is rural and most people go around in casual clothes. I like dc to have nice clothes , I don't mind hand-me - downs once they are in good condition. So I prioritise clothing over holidays (rightly or wrongly) I prefer to have things to show for my money rather than experiences. This is where we disagree and I suppose he does think it's being frivolous.

I don't, but I recently visited my sister and was surprised that she made a few remarks about not wanting her partner to know that she'd received a package, or that she'd bought things when we were out shopping together. I actually did hear the partner grumble when a large package appeared on the doorstep for her.

Apparently his issue is not the money (they have separate finances) but his conviction that their small house is too cluttered already and something should be thrown away, donated, sold, etc. before any new thing comes in. Of course, the things he buys don't count.

I can understand the tactic of just not letting him see and thus avoiding the hassle and time wasted explaining or justifying. But it still seems fundamentally unfair and wrong. Both partners have a right to live as they like, within reason, and compromise can't be all one way just because one partner is totally comfortable judging and tutting and fuming while the other is inclined to keep the peace at all costs. That seems unhealthy for both partners, and disrespectful from the one doing the bellyaching.

All our expenses go in a budgeting app for our joint account so there’d be no point hiding a delivery. We each have an agreed personal expenses budget and neither of us would question how the other used their money, even though we can see what was spent. I’m more likely to buy books and candles, both of which DH could live without (at least the kind of books I read), and he’s more likely to buy cycling stuff, which I would never “waste” my money on. But we appreciate that we’re different and we discuss what’s important to us when setting the budgets.

DH doesn't really care if I buy a lot of things, it's the returns he can't understand, I think he thinks I should keep everything as it will probably do but if I am buying boots as I have recently, I can go through several large parcels until I get the pair that fits properly, that I like, it's not like I can go to the shops and try them as many don't stock the brands I might want in my size.

Nope, but I’m not the big shopper out of us. DH gets at least a couple of boxes every day which I tease him about as our kitchen often looks like an Amazon warehouse. But I don’t really mind (or feel I have a right to as long as it stays affordable).

On a serious note, the number of deliveries can be a MH indicator for him and I can check in as to whether he’s “shopping himself happy”.

No I am a grown up and it's not up to him what I buy. Neither do I feel I have to declare everything I buy. I doubt he would be interested anyway!

No, because my husband and I have an honest relationship and I'm reasonable with the amount I spend so I would have no reason to hide things.

Not really, we do spend differently though. He will buy 2 expensive suits every now and then and has his hair cut at a fancy salon about once every 3 weeks. I like nice clothes but not into full price as a concept. I have my hair cut and highlighted about 4 times a year.

No, but Dh orders and spends far more than I do (on his hobby).

Not unless it’s a surprise for him. I have my own money as does he for personal spending, so unless it’s coke and hookers he’s spending money on, I don’t care and I don’t really think he cares what I spend money on.

I went to hide a package once and that was my reality check that I had a serious shopping problem.

But if he thinks you should be spending your money on holidays and you're spending it on clothes, what happens when he asks you to cough up your share of the holiday and you don't have it?

I have no opinion on whether spare cash should be spent on clothes or holidays. I do think however that if a couple can't agree on this sort of thing, and then one person starts to hide what they do, that there are bigger issues in the relationship.

I don't hide purchases but I don't broadcast them either. Husband will sometimes make sniffy comments about the "huge" amounts i spend on myself.

But: we pay household and child related expenses proportionately (i earn/pay more) and we keep the rest to ourselves to save or spend.
This does mean I have more fun money but firstly I pay for the vast majority of family treats - meals out, days out, kids birthday and Christmas presents and parties, lion's share of holidays etc. Secondly, H was adamant that he did not want fully blended finances and that we should keep our (unequal) fun money separate. He was quite happy with that when he earned more; the huffing only started when my salary overtook his and I like to remind him it's what he chose!

Also he tends to fritter his money bit by bit on a daily basis whereas I am fairly frugal and will then spend a larger amount on a planned expense such as dental implants or laser eye surgery. So it looks like I'm splurging thousands on myself but we're actually spending similar sums overall. I'm happy to remind him of this too, which is quite handy at curtailing the huffing. I'm in the process of saving up to pay off our eldest's student loan, which H ought to be happy about because we'll have a debt free son and H hasn't had to contribute.

I used to when I was married. Used to get stuff delivered to my office or hid it in my car boot. My money btw. My ex was a controlling arse.

This.
Are you spending outwith your means or purchasing items you've already got more than enough of? Are you a hoarder or a spendaholic?

This context is relevant as it shows you have different spending habits and priorities. I'm not saying either of you is right or wrong but you ought to be working to compromise, perhaps by agreeing a family holiday budget and a kids clothes budget.

My husband is a fritterer and I'm more inclined to save and budget. We've had to come up with a system that's workable for both of us.