To mums with older kids, if you went back in time, to just before your dc started school, what would you tell yourself ? Would you get involved with other mums ?

[JennyTals]

I’d perhaps say, avoid too many mum friends, be friendly say hello etc but don’t become school mum friends as you can save yourself and your dc a lot of drama

id also say try n pull your socks up and try n do the reading every single day as it’s worth it

i encountered no “drama” at all in any shape or form with friends i made at my children’s school (and continue to be dear friends)

i would advise…. stay away from mumsnet threads warning you of school gate cliques and drama and make up your own mind

My advice would be to talk to other mums and dads at the school gates so you’re on good terms with many of them. I’ve never experienced any drama.

Many of my friends have been made through befriending the parents of my children's friends. I pick up select friends along the way just like my children have.

I've made some lovely friends through connecting with mums of DC's friends and had zero "drama". Connecting with people is a good thing.

Exactly! DS attended two primaries in two countries. The first one I didn’t make friends at because I was almost the only WOHM in his class, so wasn’t around on a daily basis, while at the second I made good friends I’m still friends with. No drama at either place. The Mn tales of cliques, exclusion, side-eye and playground politics I put down to bad luck, projecting about their own school days, or poor social skills.

Agreed.

The best bit of advice I've been given and stuck to religiously is the more outgoing/friendly/hospitable/drama-free you are, the better for your DC. If you make friends out of it, it's a nice bonus.

I didn't make friends at the school gate. We had pleasant, pass the time chit chat and that was fine by me.
Wouldn't do anything differently if I had my time again.

I made friends with other Mums when Dc started Reception and we are still really good friends now that they are graduating and leaving home.

I would never encourage anyone to be stand offish at the school gate.

I made some great friends who are still my friends now. There was no drama.

The more friends the better!

I avoided drama at the DC's primary school as it was easy to not chat with the nightmare parents. They were occasionally entertaining from a distance when gossip flicked around the playground.

I also never had any drama with other parents, unless you count seeing stupid messages on the WhatsApp groups like "careful there are traffic wardens around" with replies from other parents saying "Why don't you try parking legally?"

But I also know what you mean as there was one group of mums who used to be very close and all had a big falling out. I don't known what it was about, but it was a bit awkward in the playground.

Anyway, I wouldn't do anything differently actually. I guess I'd tell myself not to worry about the kids as I was so worried when the first one started. She was fine. She loves school (mainly)

I would do exactly what I did, which was seize every opportunity to make friends with the other parents, it will make your DCs and your lives easier and enrich them more than you could possibly imagine (15 years on I am close friends with a group of the school gate mums, and see others more infrequently but love it when I do, it also really helped with liftshares to clubs etc and just general moral support). If there are dramas, try not to get sucked into them, there were a few. Do the reading though, definitely agree with that.

Of course you should try and make friends with the other parents!! Your kids get to have more playdates with their friends, you have people you can ask for help when running late, you get to socialise with people you have something in common with, if lucky you can make meaningful friendships which enrich your life.

What 'drama' could possibly exist at the school gates?? Unless Jimmy walking home with Johnny's jumper counts - it is not a drama filled environment

I’d get to know everyone,be chatty be involved with school as later down the line you’ll be glad you know the parents of their friends and, when they inevitable start going out as groups you’re able to organise lifts and sleepovers easier.
my oldest son is now living in China and his friends and their parents still keep in touch with me !

So nice to read normal, non bitter replies for a change on this subject. Still close to a good few mums from the primary years. We were a massive help to each other and organised some of the nicest days out during those long summer holidays.

I was working p/t and only had one day to drop off/collect. I did miss out a bit getting to know the other parents (yes, we did have some dads doing the drop off on a regular basis) but it was enough to get friendly with them.

For me it was more a network to know people I could contact if I had an emergency and they took DD to school or took her to an afternoon class party and vice versa.

I have friends I made through nursery and I felt it worked better as we were all in the same boat with work and childcare compared to the majority of mums at Infant school who wfh/SAHM/worked school hours and couldn't really understand why I booked holiday clubs months in advance and wasn't available for last minute playdates.

I felt the same with all the terrible, cliquey baby and toddler groups you see mentioned on here. They were a lifeline for me personally (when they ran - I had a covid baby!)

At some I made some lovely friendships which have lasted, at some I would chat and be friendly with a few mums but it never went beyond that, and some I went to and didn’t really get chatting to anyone/ hit it off with anyone (again it was harder because they were trying to run them with masks/ social distancing etc!)

But I didn’t really care much if people didn’t want to become my best friend, and if anyone was deliberately blanking me I didn’t really notice - I was just glad to be out of the house and have a hot drink, let DD explore somewhere other than our own living room.

I feel the same now with school mums really - I’ll be friendly and speak to anyone who seems open to it, I’d like to make some school mums friends if it happens, but I’m not going to lose any sleep over it if it doesn’t.

I really don’t recognise the depiction of any women in a group as being bitchy, cliquey and full of drama - that’s not to say that such groups don’t exist and maybe I’ve just been lucky, but it can’t possibly be as common as it’s made out to be on here sometimes.

Mine are 20 and 21 now and I still have friends I met from the school gate. There was plenty of drama though and I laugh so much at motherland as it's pretty accurate!

I would make friends with other people. I’m always baffled by people who sneer at “mums” and I’ve seen on many threads over the years comments along the lines of “urgh, why would I want to be friends with people just because we had a baby in the same year”. I’ve even seen “had a baby” replaced with “had sex” just to try and make being socially pleasant to people you see often sound even more weird. It’s not weird. Some of my “school mum” friendships have stood the test of time, others have been situational and I’ll say hi when passing in Tesco but don’t see beyond that. I’ve met plenty of people who are not particularly nice and kept distance from, just like other social settings. The biggest dramas I’ve seen have been from competitive parenting - people who think it’s a personal insult if a different kid is on a higher band of reading book than their own, which is remarkable given that at my dcs time at primary school I knew of 2 completely different incidences when parents had split up due to one partner having an affair with a different parent at the school. You would think that would cause more ripples than reading books but apparently not. A lot of “woe is me, the school gate mums are cliquey bitches” threads seem to stem from the idea that people should discount natural affinity and the sort of relationship that comes from years of knowing each other and immediately start talking to the OP and everyone should stand about giving equal attention as if it’s a “tell us something about yourself” team building exercise at work. It’s never the OP who should be giving attention, just the “Queen bee”. I think if you are friendly and open to making friends without being judgey and expecting everyone to be likeminded, but also aware that other people may have a decade or even longer friendship already and may even be sisters or cousins and it’s absolutely fine for them to chat in a different way to someone they’ve seen casually for a few minutes a few times, then you can’t go far wrong.

My DC are 15 and 18 and I have good friends that I made when they were at nursery/school

I've never understood the "school mums" (negative) trope. If you have a child that you send to school you're a school mum. full stop. Some you'll get on with some you won't just like any other situation where you have one thing in common
The OP if any school mum thread (or baby group mum) thinks they're somehow better different, but I've no idea why!

I wish I had made more of an effort, but I'm pretty shy and think I probably come across as a bit odd, was very busy, stressed and a newly single parent at the time dc started school. I'm not sure whether I would have been capable of doing things differently, but think it would've been better for dc's social life in and out if school if I had.
Having said that, when I was at school my mum wasn't friends with any of my friends' parents, and I got by ok. But kids were more independent then so it was different (80s)

my best friends are mums I met when our kids were in kindie. The kids are now mid 30’s. I’m so grateful that we have the friendship we have.