To mums with older kids, if you went back in time, to just before your dc started school, what would you tell yourself ? Would you get involved with other mums ?

[JennyTals]

I’d perhaps say, avoid too many mum friends, be friendly say hello etc but don’t become school mum friends as you can save yourself and your dc a lot of drama

id also say try n pull your socks up and try n do the reading every single day as it’s worth it

Met some of my dearest friends at the school gate . 16 years on not noticed any drama. Just met up with them now actually

I have friend from school, people I just happened to born within months of and who lived nearby.

I have friends from university, people I just happened to be born within a year or two of and who were interested in the same things as me.

I have friends from work, people who just happened to apply for and get a job at the same company at the same time as me.

I have friends who were neighbours, people who just happened to buy a house on my road.

And I have school mum friends, women who just happened to have their children when I had mine in the same area.

I have honestly never had any drama in any of my friendships, ever. Perhaps the problem is with the person rather than the circumstances?

I think it depends what people mean by "friends".

Do not expect to make lifelong close friends (although it is a bonus if you do) amongst mums you meet in the school playground.

Do be polite and friendly, and at least get to know some other mums well enough to ask for the occasional favour or organise a play date.

Realise that not all parents will be interested in talking to you.
Realise that some parents already know each other and would rather talk to their friends than you.
Do not take either thing to heart.

Do not mix your child's friendships with any adult friendships you make. Your child does not have to be friends with a school mum's child just because you like her. You do not have to stop being friend with a school mum because your children aren't best buddies this week.

If I could give myself a bit of advice it would be socialise with the school mums more! There seems to be an odd MN cliché of wanting to avoid the school gate ‘drama’. I’ve never experienced any of this, nor have I met anyone who has. Maybe I got lucky but the mums in DD’s primary school were the most amazing, interesting + diverse group of women and we had fabulous times together over the years. It was a small prep and there was a lovely community vibe. Missed it a lot (even the silly PTA stuff) when she moved to grammar school!

My oldest is now in secondary. I would definitely have actively avoided some of the parents in his year. One turned out to be a total drama queen with a serious alcohol and attitude problem plus her kid was horrible. I would also have avoided the ones who tried to control everything (2 of them) and had to be involved with everything. I love he is now in secondary as I can do that.

DC2 most parents are fine though one set almost suffocate there poor son and can never see his behaviour is a problem at times. The other parent is harmless but always has a drama most of which she creates herself.

DC3 all fine so far. Most are busy working parents and no time for drama

It's quite often not the only thing you have in common.
It's possible to make friends all over the place, and sometimes kids stay friends for years with the same children, it's lovely having people you can look back on this with.

I can't imagine advising myself to have less friends as suggested in the op, although I do agree with steering clear of drama if possible.

We didn't have class whatsapp groups back then though - a saving grace, I think!

Ah yes, the class group.

My biggest piece of advice for these is not to assume that everyone else in the group shares your values. Restrict yourself to asking simple questions or making simple answers if you want to interact. Don't get sidetracked into offering any sort of opinion, as you will inevitably offend somebody, however innocuous you thought it was.

Heck, I'd have no friends at all here if I hadn't made them at the school gate (moved here when eldest was 4)!

No drama and 20 years hence I remain very good friends with two of them. I had NYE with one of them. Meet the other one when we have time and we all msg every week.

Often drama is self making or perceived when it’s not there. It’s like when people write oh it’s just like school, it’s like mean girls. I think sometimes people expect it or feel affronted because of their personality type so look for it. I avoided one Mother at the school gate. She was a drama maker. I clocked it straight away. She caused a massive issue at one point. She was someone who would have described herself as nice, I avoid people that describe themselves as nice as an attribute now I’m older. They are almost always awful.

A very large one unfortunately and was known for turning up drunk at the school and sending nasty drunk messages (I was on the receiving end of some as were plenty of other mum's). She was best avoided!!!!

The cliques thing is totally real, though.

My DCs’ school has no drama. They are not that sort of school and not that sort of people.

But I saw it at the nursery - certain people drive the cliquey thing, and it’s not for me. I don’t want my kids in that environment, either.

A bit like @HousedInMySoul I do wish I'd made a bit more effort, especially as I wasn't working when oldest started school. Oddly, one of son's classmates was born 5 days after him, lived on my street and somehow I never even ran into his mum on the street and we might have been good friends if we'd met earlier (that said, in the long run, our boys didn't get on!)

I've never observed that much drama - I think people too easily observe 'snubbing' when it's just people not being very observant. Its unlikely a group of mums will try to ostracise you, you may may need to make more of a conscious effort to work your way in, and maybe some groups have known each other for a while, doesn't mean they don't like you or are keeping you out.

This.

I had very friendly relationships with other parents. I made one true friend.

There were no dramas for me because I never gave more of myself than I'd have allowed others to take. I like to take friendships slowly to suss out people and their motives.

There was bitchyness at every school. I avoided it.

I was never at the school gate.
I made friends through kids' parties and going on the mums' Xmas nights out. It's a bit like school- you make friends quickly with everyone, then find out who you like.

But I think some people find drama/ issues everywhere they go. It must be exhausting.

Our kids are no longer friends, although vaguely friendly, but we still are.

I'm always quite surprised about the "school mum" thing on MN.
Surely if you have a school age kid who goes to school you are a school mum? But other school mums are cliquey/nasty/unfriendly etc....?

If nothing else, if you're really mercenary about it, they are useful friends to have- there's lots of parties/events especially in primary where having a group of friends to lift share to a smelly gymnastics hall 25 min drive away is worth its weight in gold. Even as teens, being friends with other mums so you don't have to do every 1am pick up after a party!

I'm naturally quite shy but I was so glad I did make friends with school mums. My mum became unwell and died a few months after DC1 started reception and I really don't know how I'd have got through it without the practical and emotional support of the other mums.

I also found the class whatsapp groups really helpful! Literally can't remember any sort of unwanted drama, usually just reminders of bring in a pringle tube tomorrow/it's book day on wed etc or asking about lost property or costume swaps

Just to add most mum's are absolutely lovely. I have made a couple of good mum friends from DC1 year. We still speak and meet though our kids are not friends (all get on fine).

I'd rephrase that as don't go in looking for friends for YOU. That's what seems to cause most of the drama/disappointment.

By all means, be chatty, friendly, inclusive. If you do make friends or develop close relationships, that's a bonus, but not the aim.