To mums with older kids, if you went back in time, to just before your dc started school, what would you tell yourself ? Would you get involved with other mums ?

[JennyTals]

I’d perhaps say, avoid too many mum friends, be friendly say hello etc but don’t become school mum friends as you can save yourself and your dc a lot of drama

id also say try n pull your socks up and try n do the reading every single day as it’s worth it

It is ok to chat to the other mums, but stay true to yourself. If the only thing you have in common with the another mum is that they have a child the same age, it probably won’t be enough for a friendship and it is ok to just have a coffee. Stay away from gossip and toxic behavior.

Be open, pleasant and friendly in your demeanour but don't "try" to make friends or assume you will. If you do, it's a nice bonus. If you don't, you haven't overthought it.

My kids are 19 and 10 now so primary school days are nearly gone. First time round I was keen to make friends as I didn't know many people locally. It didn't happen at school, which I found surprising and disappointing as I had made some friends at baby groups (one of whom is now one of my best friends and godmother to my youngest). Looking back i tried to hard and was overinvested. I think the dynamics just weren't right and it was no one's "fault" but i spent far too long wondering if/why people didn't like me or possibly didn't like my son.

Second child - went to loads of baby groups but didn't make a single lasting friend. I was very relaxed and unbothered though. Then she started school and I was pleasant to people but didn't "try" yet I've ended up with a nice friendly group of acquaintances and one really good friend. The dynamics were just different this time round.

We just spent NYE with two families who had DC at playgroup and primary school with my eldest DC. They're now all 19yo and off at uni / working, but we're still great friends.

I wouldn’t tell my younger self to do anything she didn’t do already with regards to school.

I made lots of good friends there and generally avoided any drama. There’s only drama if you’re the type of person who engages in it.

I had a healthy disrespect for stupid rules. Or rather, I took Guidelines as guidelines only, not edicts.

I volunteered a lot where possible, work and younger children permitting. Reading schemes, PTA, accompanying trips, generally mucking in. It fostered a positive relationship with the school (useful
when I didn’t follow the ‘guidelines’!) and helped them achieve what they wanted for their pupils.

We’re long past schooldays now. I don’t miss them, but I think of them fondly.

We didn’t have much choice of primary school due to the recently moving to the area and most of the schools being very oversubscribed. As a result DC went to a school that had recently closed due to an appalling report then reopened as an academy under special measures. It was great for DC as there were only 10 in his class. But, OMG, the school gate politics! No I didn’t make any friends and had nothing in common with any of the other parents.
if I could go back in time and change things magically I’d send DC to an established school with a good OFSTED. I wish I’d had the chance to make other mum friends.

No drama with DD's classmates parents and made some good friends. No drama with DS either but while I met some nice people and we helped eachother out I wouldn't say I really made any friends

I was working when my dc were in school. I did drop off and pick up. I didn't have time to hang around in the morning after drop off, so didn't really get involved with the mums in DC1's school year. Which was fine. DC used to get invited to lots of play dates, parties etc, so weren't impacted. Same situation when DC2 started school, except that I found I few people I clicked with and we're still friends years later.

My dc are teenagers now.

With my first DC, when he started school I became friendly with lots of the school mums. This wasn't intentional...they were just a really nice group who I happened to get on with. It was really great in many ways and opened things up for him socially...

With my younger DD when she started school, I went in with no expectation of the school mums... unfortunately luck wasn't on my side and they were a horrific cliquey bunch who took a strong dislike to me. It made my dds primary years really tough...they only invited the children of the parents they liked to parties and playdates etc. My DD was a very popular girl at primary but we had virtually no social events outside of school because if you weren't in the clique that was it.

Personally if I don't gel with someone, that's fine, but I'm happy to be polite and have the odd chat and facilitate the kids meeting up if they are friends.

I wouldn't say you should avoid entirely....or embrace entirely...just always be polite and friendly and see what happens. Sometimes you get lucky and sometimes you don't.

I chatted to a few mothers at pick up time, but those chats never went beyond that. Somehow we never progressed to coffees and real friendships. I worked part-time, so I wasn't at the school every day. Maybe that would have made a difference?

I got to know parents (mothers and fathers) better through birthday parties and afterschool activities. It tended to be the same parents/kids at the same birthday parties and the same dance classes and Scouts etc. And a lot of those parents worked, so I wouldn't have encountered them at the school gates in any case.

The other thing I found is that your child's friendships ebb and flow. DD had a really big friendship group at the end of primary school. But some of those friendships ended when they got to secondary school, even though they moved on to the same secondary school. Some of the girls gravitated towards other kids. There was no big falling out or anything, it just seemed to happen naturally. So I was glad I didn't get too friendly with those mothers - it would have been awkward. Other friendships did survive. And new friends emerged.

There was the odd dispute or falling out over the years (nothing too serious, thankfully) but I never got involved or approached the other parents. I left DD to sort it out for herself. I did give advice though.

The only advice I would give is try not to stress about stuff or get involved in any petty drama - the other parents, the other kids, birthday parties, school politics etc. Obviously serious stuff like bullying needs to be tackled though. Schooldays don't last forever and at some point they'll move on to university or work. DD (now 20) is totally caught up in her adult life - her college course, work, learning to drive, her boyfriend, her plans to travel etc. She still sees her school friends regularly, but hardly thinks about school at all. Those days of waiting at the school gate seem like another life.

Join parents association, help in class or do canteen duty, kids love seeing their parents at school and know that parent is contributing to school community.
i have had a lot of support from other parents over the years, helping with childcare ( after school care), I would have a friends children after school on a Wednesday, she would have mine Friday. Emergency help or even just being able to ring someone and say “ I am running late, can you please hang around the playground for 10 minutes until I get there.”

Making a few parent friends at the school gates has been a godsend this past 14 months, DP was diagnosed with cancer at the start of 2024, so there has been the odd occasion I've needed help in dropping or collecting my children as I physically can't be in 2 places at the same time. (especially recently as I have changed jobs) I try & reciprocate where I can as fortunately both my children get on really well with the children of my "mum friends".

Our kids are now 21 and haven't been friends since primary school but the 5 mum friends I made then are still my very best friends and, bonus, all local!

My kids went to 2 different schools due to a house move and while there were some differences in the cultures within the schools, I have had nothing but a positive experience. I wouldn't say any close friends that I imagine becoming life long, but supportive friends and acquaintances nonetheless. Now that DS1 is in secondary the contact has been lost there as I'm not in that locality much, it's next town over but I bump into people occasionally. With DD and DS2 we are local so the contact may last longer.

I always offer support to others. If I'm bringing a dc to a party or a match I always offer lifts, might as well fill the car if I'm going anyway. If someone has a new baby or something going on in their lives I will always offer to help out with collections for a couple of weeks. I've rarely called in big favours but I have had people take my kids to parties or hang onto them for a few hours after a party or match. These moments are invaluable and the people who benefit are the children.

I think its worth making every reasonable effort to bond with school parents, not just Mums but Dads too. I have on occasion organised end of term drinks or coffee mornings too, some parents can't make it to school and they are usually grateful for the chance to meet up. To be honest I don't have much respect for those that never participate in anything.

My child will start school in September and the advice to only have superficial relationships with other parents is sad. I hope to meet genuine, friendly people like me!

I'd definitely say make friends if you can as it's invaluable when you have a crisis, can't pick up on time but have someone you can call to help out.

I'm another who can't believe some of the school gate dramas on here, everyone was perfectly friendly (or not, which was fine, their perogative) and just got on with the job in hand - dropping/collecting your kids from school.

We didn't have class whatsapp groups back then though - a saving grace, I think!

Totally agree with this.

If people tend to talk to the same group of people, it's probably because they are friends. Calling them a clique and attributing nasty behaviour to them only makes you feel bad.
Think about it: You arrive in a setting. Over to the left are a group of people you know you get on well with and like. Over to the right are people you don't know much. In the middle are people you know but don't have much in common with. You have 10 minutes there. Who are you going to choose to go to?
99% of people will go for the people they know they get on well with. That does not make them a clique.

I found the difference between the year groups when my DD were at school astonishing. The older ones group had a few "dominant" mothers who along with their DD were always falling out, accusing the others of bullying (both parents and children) and vying to be queen bee. Luckily those kids weren't my daughter's closest friends. The younger DD's year group was lovely, everyone friendly and no drama whatsoever. I think a lot of it is down to luck.

I have no regrets.

i work so didn’t do the school run and don’t get all the drama discussed on here.

I have my own friends and my kids have their own friends.

The mums I made friends with at the school gate are still my friends now the kids are in their 20s.

My " Children are mother's themselves ( age 40 and 32). I had great Mum friends from infants and Junior school.
But what l would have done differently is not send them to high school at all. They did two years each.. but then l took them out..
Thank goodness my daughters realised from their own school experience not to send theirs to school and HE.
Happy happy kids.
No bullying no MH problems.
All doing fantastic.

I made Mum friends with my eldest two kids but didn't actively seek them with the youngest. A few awkward situations where the kids fell out and the adults felt they had to do the same. Children make friends without any parental input, so
make friends for your own sake, but don't think it will give your kids an advantage: they'll make and break friends frequently and if you can be a grownup about it and remain friends with their parents when the kids bicker, fab.

this was my experience too

Try not to overthink it but definitely try to get to know the other parents on friendly terms, without the expectation of making close friends. I have some good parent friends from primary school years but there is a lot of luck involved.

Support the kids' friendships as much as possible with playdates, this is important and will help you get to know the parents anyway.