If you wanted to disappear…

[IsThisOneFree]

My late husband’s family are an intrusive, interfering pain in the ass. They were a source of stress through his final years when he was incapacitated, the funeral and have tried to insert themselves into my parenting since. Please don’t think it’s caring, or interest. It’s about power. My eldest is an adult and has a similar view of them.

They are not aware of the fact I’m getting married towards the end of next year. I’m sure they would have a lot of opinions on the matter. I’d like to use it as an opportunity to vanish; new address, new phone number and name…and just never tell them. I work on a secure site that would have my back if they turned up there, kids’ schools also secure and none of the fuckers have parental responsibility…
Just want to act as if they do.
I’ve tried being assertive, it does not change their behaviour and I get emotional blackmail as a response.

What have I not thought of?

Why not do it then?

Do they have to have contact with a DC? Would the DC be upset of they didn't see the toxic ones?

Move. Get a new number and change your name.

This sounds like a really extreme reaction, to change all your details just because of some in laws. Surely they aren’t in your life too often now? Can you not just faze them out/ignore them?

Think we need more examples of what they’ve actually done.

They have no right to a relationship with DC and no, kids would not be upset. Adult one values relationship with her cousins, just not their father who is one of the toxic, intrusive ones. They are able to sustain that relationship independently of me and understand my need for privacy, (though they might end up getting pressured to share information.)

What are you going to tell the children why their Dads family don't see them anymore?
I'd be a bit worried that the kids would think the family don't want to see them.

They’ve lost their son so they do have a right to see their grand kids really. I don’t think it’s that much to ask unless there has been really extreme behaviour. You’ve not explained anything they’ve actually done.

Highly critical of the decisions I made regarding children/work while husband was ill, phoning hospitals and demanding an appointment with consultants to discuss dh’s care, not respecting my role as next of kin, trying to take over funeral planning/death admin, snooping round my house trying to find wills/financial information, contradicting me in front of children (late husband would say xxx sort of thing.)

There are siblings not parents of my late husband.

That all sounds like the pressures of his death which does drive people apart. It sounds as if he maybe hadn’t made his own wishes clear hence they struggled to accept them and perhaps didn’t feel they were in the loop with news.

How long ago did you husband pass away? Is contact still not becoming any easier.

As pp has said you can try to reinvent your life if it’s that desperate but ultimately you are unlikely to be hard to find on social media/via your kids.

It would be very hurtful to them also.

Husband died a year ago. He was in a care home for the last four months of his life and had been incapacitated for a few years before that.

If you've blocked all electronic means on contact they'd have to physically find you so are you moving house in the near future? Why are they doing it ? Are they upset you've moved on so quickly ? Are they likely to carry on whatever grudge it is indefinitely?

My youngest is 14. They are well aware that I don’t like x and y. I’d tell them I don’t want to see X and Y and don’t want to tell them where I live. You can see them if you want to but please respect my wish for privacy.
They won’t want to.

Nope, they have no rights.

Can't you just go NC with them? If you disappear you might always be looking over your shoulder but if you just tell them you will have no further personal contact with them they have no need to look for you.

I’ve not blocked them…but could. Yes, buying a house with fiance in near future. Don’t think they know I’ve moved on…yet! Will have plenty to say when/if they find out!
Kids, whose opinion does matter, know and like fiance and future step siblings.

It’s very childish

Just wanting a quiet life with people who respect me. This is a possible way to achieve it.

That is extremely quick to be marrying someone else. Especially with kids involved who have lost their dad!!!

Agree. I wouldn’t be surprised if the relatives had something to say about it. The whole situation sounds childish. Can you not just sit down & talk things through like adults, rather than “disappearing?”

Yes, it is very quick. Fiance is an old friend who is also a single parent. He was very supportive throughout husband’s illness. (Far more so than his siblings.) This isn’t something I’m doing lightly.

I have tried! They ignore anything I say if they don’t like it!

Yeah I’m sure he was supportive given he had an ulterior motive!!

For the sake of your kids you need to act like an adult and take things slowly. It’s totally unfair on them.

I'd love to hear their side of all this.

@IsThisOneFree Totally with you on this. Bad apples spread fungus and there is no escape from the rot so long as you are in the same barrel. What a difference it will make to your longevity and well being to be out of contact.

Go somewhere very rural would be my advice. Come off social media or only use anonymous sites. Avoid purchasing goods or services from large companies any of them may work in - eg insurance, life or pension companies, retailers. GDPR rules have done a lot to prevent information that private investigators used to get for £1,000.

Sorry to hear about your husband.

We just went low contact and then no contact with my father’s family. They were toxic as fuck.

I would change your number and not provide your new address but I would not actively seek to disappear.

It is very difficult to disappear. People are traceable via social media. You and your kids are very likely to pop up on the accounts of your family and friends even if you block them from your own or don’t personally use it. Also school and college websites, sports clubs etc.

It is also likely that you have mutual acquaintances in common who will divulge details about you or you will ‘bump into’ them at some point.

Your kids may get curious at some point. I had no wish to see my paternal relatives ever again. My sister got in touch with an aunt after more than 30 years, after seeing her name on an engagement party invite at a friend’s house. Turned out our cousin was marrying an associate of my sister’s friend’s husband.

My sister arranged to see the aunt who just treated her as if she was begging for money (my sister actually has a successful career and is an expat in Japan). So be prepared for that.

No one can “disappear” now - with SM they will surely find you / your kids?

Just ignore them or send a break up text asking them to leave you to move on with your new relationship. Then block and ignore.