If you wanted to disappear…

[IsThisOneFree]

My late husband’s family are an intrusive, interfering pain in the ass. They were a source of stress through his final years when he was incapacitated, the funeral and have tried to insert themselves into my parenting since. Please don’t think it’s caring, or interest. It’s about power. My eldest is an adult and has a similar view of them.

They are not aware of the fact I’m getting married towards the end of next year. I’m sure they would have a lot of opinions on the matter. I’d like to use it as an opportunity to vanish; new address, new phone number and name…and just never tell them. I work on a secure site that would have my back if they turned up there, kids’ schools also secure and none of the fuckers have parental responsibility…
Just want to act as if they do.
I’ve tried being assertive, it does not change their behaviour and I get emotional blackmail as a response.

What have I not thought of?

I think it sounds as if you’re afraid of their reaction to you marrying someone else very quickly after the death of their brother. It seems a very extreme reaction to me. Emotional blackmail need have no purchase on you. Just step back from the relationship. No one can force you to be in contact.

So what if they have something to say? Doesn’t make them right. Does not give them any moral high ground.

Op has said that these people have gone through her house ; questioned her parenting; attempted to insert themselves into her late husband’s medical care.

What gives them the authority to have an opinion on her life choice?

Just phase them out. No need to disappear. Will they even want to keep contact now that their sibling has died?

"Highly critical of the decisions I made regarding children/work while husband was ill, phoning hospitals and demanding an appointment with consultants to discuss dh’s care, not respecting my role as next of kin, trying to take over funeral planning/death admin, snooping round my house trying to find wills/financial information, contradicting me in front of children (late husband would say xxx sort of thing.)"

So what that they disagreed with your life choices when their brother was dying. They knew him longer than you did. They won't get another brother. You are getting a new husband & very quickly.

What's wrong with siblings having an interest in their dying brothers care? Why did you oppose this/not share info?

What was your ex's relationship like with his siblings? Did he want them involved. Had he told him they were named in his will?

You are coming off worse on this thread than they are...

Sadly they seem to! Wanted us to visit for Christmas. (2nd one since we lost hubby.) When I declined they demanded a day with the kids and spent a stupid amount of money on escooters for them, (More than I can afford and not things I want them to have! Nor is it something they would have done when my husband was alive.)

They don’t really sound like they’ve done much wrong from what you have posted.

What bastards.

I think this is best. If you have made it clear you want no further contact with them, if they pursue you and become unpleasant, you will have recourse to legal action this way.

Keep all messages obviously.

Let’s see what I can explain without being too outing…
When my husband was well they used to meet at their parents’ (who have now also passed) 2-3 times a year.

When hubby was diagnosed we were told he would deteriorate quite quickly and sorted out POA. He did not discuss this with his family. He only told them the diagnosis. Knowing he would become very incapacitated and need a lot of care we chose for our youngest two to attend boarding schools for secondary, with some charitable support. This took a lot of pressure off me, enabled them to keep up all their extra curricular activities, for me to keep working. Unfortunately hubby could display a lot of antisocial behaviours and they could not easily have friends over. This decision was met with absolute horror and disbelief, like it was an act of child cruelty that hubby, if well, would never have considered. That may be true, but they were in denial and never spent long enough with him to witness the true extent of his difficulties.
They seem to think I’m some untrustworthy witch who they need to keep an eye on. I’d be interested to see how many mumsnetters would really be happy with in-laws snooping through their paperwork. I’d have shown them a copy of the will if they had asked. They were not named. Making secure provision for the children was hubby’s greatest concern.
Even when I rang them to say he was nearing the end the first thing they did was call the hospital to confirm I was telling the truth!

I personally think you’d be very easy to find. I can find anyone pretty much, if I wanted to due to job role. So I don’t see the point in going to such extreme lengths, couldn’t you just tell them to fuck off… rude but easier. If you really want to disappear you’ll have to go off grid, avoid social media, change your appearance, names, even then you could still be found.

If they don’t know your fiancé or know you are getting married /moving, surely they’re pretty much out the loop already?

There are your children to think about too, if they want contact with them. It’s so dramatic. Are the kids moving school? they could just follow you home if they’re that desperate to keep tabs.

I’m sorry for your loss, but I’d try to keep it amicable and put their reaction down to grief. They may have treated you very badly, but don’t let it consume your new life OP.

Make sure your wedding photos don't end up in the local paper like one of mine did. That's how my late husband's family found out I'd remarried 🤦🏼‍♀️

I agree ^

You sent your children to boarding school while their father was dying. Sorry but it is really understandable that someone might take issue with this.

wanting to disappear is batshit, frankly

Some of you really are judgy twats. OP and husband together made decisions they felt were best for children, get over it. Op just go low/no contact, give them a phone number and email they can use and check it once a month if you feel so inclined. I wish you happiness going forward.

No, I sent my children to boarding school while their father was living with significant disability including behavioural difficulties. This went on for three years. Of course I got them home when he was actively dying!

You may have a point about being batshit!

What reason was given for looking at private financial stuff / wills ?
That alone would seriously annoy me, surely they didn't expect to benefit given that your DH had a wife and children?

I did it. Abusive husband, I managed to get a job, gave notice on the house which thankfully was in my name only. Paid all bills until the moving day and just went. He never found me. I did have to refuse my photo on company website but they were understanding. I had no social media accounts.
Might they have your children's email addresses/ mobile numbers? Can they access their social media, and yours?
Congratulations on your marriage and all the best for a happy future.

“We want to make sure you and the kids are okay!”

When caught!

DH inherited from his parents, which he used to clear our mortgage. I also have a substantial sum from his life insurance. I think they feel they are justified in having an interest in these funds, though DH never appointed them as POA or executors. (Yes, all set up so they pass to his kids and any new partner of mine can’t get his mitts on it! My intended is also solvent and comfortable.)

Extremely difficult situation OP and I don't blame you at all for trying to grab some happiness after what you've been through.
Your siblings in law are disingenuous in my opinion.

I've been in a somewhat similar situation, but I drew up my drawbridge immediately as my late DH had always been open with me about the batshittery of his family - i was forewarned. Grief can be a massive wedge between family members and brings out a weird competitive thing. I found the judgement of me as his widow bizarre. It was as if they thought they had some say over my actions. Fortunately I shut it all right down immediately. You can cut contact right now, OP. You don't have to wait till you're remarried. Just don't respond to any messages, be busy, be out. Be distant and brief. Give them nothing. It is totally about power. But the fact is they don't have any. They have zero rights over you, your kids, your money, or any information relating to these.

They really do think they have some say over my actions, that’s exactly it. Like some residual misogynistic expectation I should have thrown myself onto a funeral pyre or bend to their expectations for all eternity.

Maybe I’ve not described it well. It’s not that I feel I need their approval, but I know they think I should conform to their expectations and will look to be unpleasant when I don’t. I’ve got a lot to look forward to in the coming year, but there will be lots of potential flashpoints, like when an estate agent’s board goes up in the new year.

It would be very tempting to disappear, given what you have endured. But difficult to actually carry out. Maybe just not responding, not giving them any information and coming off social media would be easier and less dramatic for everyone.

I think that the idea that your eldest can maintain a relationship with her cousins while you disappear is unrealistic. However, I think it's fair enough to make clear to your eldest that you don't want her sharing any of your contact details with the in-laws.

Yes, you were supposed to prove how much you loved your DH by living the whole of the rest of your life according to some idea of what he would have wanted. Only it isn't actually based on his wishes at all but is purely their own imaginings and is definitely rooted in misogynistic ideas about widowhood.

I think you have every right to disappear however it won't last because your children are in touch with cousins . It's only a matter of time until one of them gives your new details out