If you wanted to disappear…

[IsThisOneFree]

My late husband’s family are an intrusive, interfering pain in the ass. They were a source of stress through his final years when he was incapacitated, the funeral and have tried to insert themselves into my parenting since. Please don’t think it’s caring, or interest. It’s about power. My eldest is an adult and has a similar view of them.

They are not aware of the fact I’m getting married towards the end of next year. I’m sure they would have a lot of opinions on the matter. I’d like to use it as an opportunity to vanish; new address, new phone number and name…and just never tell them. I work on a secure site that would have my back if they turned up there, kids’ schools also secure and none of the fuckers have parental responsibility…
Just want to act as if they do.
I’ve tried being assertive, it does not change their behaviour and I get emotional blackmail as a response.

What have I not thought of?

People are being so judgmental of the OP. She clearly states that her DH was incapacitated for years before he died. I'm sure OP worked through her grief way before he physically passed away. Nobody has the right to judge how quickly she has moved on, especially with someone she already trusts.

It is NOT childish to want to move on with life. OP's children are young adults, they can make their own choices. OP has the right to feel safe in her home and free from others.

OP - absolutely take this as your fresh start. Block those who drain you and move. Enjoy your new life. You have every right to start again somewhere new. I would close all social media accounts for a while. You could tell them all you want them to leave you alone and that you will be blocking them too.

If, after all this, they still track you down etc then keep logs and report it further. Nobody sane would pursue contact after all that so if they do then clearly they have issues.

The last thing I would say is make sure you do have counselling too if you feel you need it. A new life can be so liberating but it can also bring up unexpected emotions too.

Good luck with it all!

My friend did this . Picked a random name and also her child changed theirs . They kept their first name ( I would have changed that as well )
You have to consider social media , do you have joint friends ? Do they know friends names ? Do you visit places regularly that they might know ?
Will you be moving house ?

No need to actively disappear, just drop them, no response to msgs, letters etc
My late DH has one brother who after 4 years only sends my youngest a birthday card, couldn't tell you when I last spoke to him or his family , they'll fade away.
Tbf to be planning a wedding /house within a year will raise eyebrows with most.

@IsThisOneFree

I agree there is no need to disappear. And to tell the truth unless you're in Witness Protection or leave the country there are always ways of finding where someone is. I used to do 'skip tracing' for the US Govt, trust me I know just how easy it is to find someone.

The best thing you can do is either a 'slow fade out' or dropping the 'nuclear' NC bomb. NC is pretty crystal clear; block and delete, direct email to 'spam', don't answer the door, etc. The 'slow fade' is just a gradual lessening of responses, finding reasons to be 'unavailable', never initiating contact until gradually you're just 'gone'.

But with either one, I don't see how a minor child (say up to 16) is going to be able to maintain contact with cousins with any 'comfort'. They're going to harangue him/her for what you're doing, where you are, and they will get earfuls of judgement on your remarriage and your life in general. An adult or 16+ child can deal with that as they choose, they usually have the maturity to do so, but a minor child will need you to know what the child is being told, listen to the child, and 'run interference' for them. You need to prepare yourself for that and how is that going to work with NC. With NC you usually don't want or need to hear what 'they' are saying or doing. That won't be possible if your child is going to maintain contact with cousins.

Maybe I'm not understanding correctly, but why are you in contact with them in the first place? And what do you 'fear' from them? Do you take their phone calls? Do they show up at your door? Send you nasty text/emails? There are ways of dealing with that legally that don't mean upending your entire life.

You can opt for no 'For Sale' sign outside of the house.

Your DH's relatives could still find out you're moving but they'd have to be actively snooping online.

I totally hear you. My sil is the same and it has been awful. I am completely non contact with her now. My children sometimes see her though their grandparents, but that’s it. She made my life miserable when my husband was dying and my mental health suffered badly when she kept interfering when he died. Do what works for you, I don’t regret it at all.

Thanks for this because it’s really making me think.

I don’t want a big, NC show down.

I’m in contact with them because they are my children’s uncles and my late husband’s brothers. I feel my children have a right to a relationship with them, but not the relationship they are offering iyswim, I.e. one with people who do not respect me as an independent adult, rather they seem to think they have a right to represent my late husband in my decision making.

They phone and push really hard, not taking “no” for an answer. I am afraid of their reaction to the new relationship, because it will be disapproving and undermining, but the scale of it I can’t predict. I fear having teenage boys being fed a message that mum is weak/stupid/a harlot/not to be trusted by men they look up to/resemble their late father who they obviously miss. I wouldn’t let the younger children see them on their own, the older one is switched on and able to manage them.

@IsThisOneFree

Well, technically going NC avoids the 'showdown'. Because you 'just do it'. You don't call and say "I'm going NC and this is why". You just block, delete, spam-file their emails. There is no discussion, explanation, or reasons given.

So, based on your 2nd & 3rd paragraphs, I'm sorry but I don't see how you'll be able to go NC and yet control what they say to and/or the relationship they form with your children. If you had an 'intermediary' who could be present, maybe. But if you're truly NC that means the older will see their uncles without you present so you won't be able to control what is said, and your younger will not be able to see them at all, since NC means you wouldn't be able to be there.

I'm going to try to put this in a kind way, but why do their opinions mean anything to you or their disapproval seem to bother you so much? So they disapprove of choices you make? So what. But it seems as if their opinions have some sort of 'weight' with you, even if you disagree with them. It just seems that it 'matters' that they think well of you. Oh, I don't know if I'm saying it right. But what they think of you doesn't matter. What they want you to do doesn't matter. And you need to be able to get to that 'place' within yourself.

And I hope I'm not offensive, but is there some sort of cultural patriarchy at play here? I'm just trying to put myself in your position to figure out why you're willing to turn your life inside out to 'silence' them by NC or disappearing when ignoring them will do. In your position, if my brothers in law tried to run my life after the death of my husband or were going to speak ill of me to my children, pardon my language but they'd get a hearty laugh and a 'fuck off with your opinions' from me. And not taking 'no' for an answer? They'd get the phone put down on them. And they would never see my children again. If they showed up at my door, I would call the police.

If it turns out that 'disappearing' or going NC isn't going to work for you, google 'grey rock'. And consider counseling to build up your courage and your belief in yourself. Seriously, you are the 'captain of your ship' and they don't own you. An old proverb says "The dogs may bark, but the caravan passes on". Let them continue to bark, your caravan can ignore them and keep moving.

And if by not knowing their reaction 'that you can't predict' means that you fear violence or verbal abuse, remember that it is illegal for them to harass or persecute you and there are legal ways to prevent that. The police and the courts can get involved to keep them away from you and from your minor children.

And also they have no 'right' to a relationship with your children, especially if that relationship undermines you, their mother. And your children shouldn't have a relationship with them for the very same reason. You don't permit things for your children that will be detrimental to them in the long run and having their uncles run their mother's life choices and her reputation into the dirt IS detrimental to your children. Protect them by keeping them away from these people.

Don't live in fear. Get what help you need to build up your courage and to keep them away from you and your minor children.

And please tell me that none of these people have a key to your home. If so, get your locks changed.

Thanks again. I’m not really sure why I care what they think. At an intellectual level I know it doesn’t matter. Secular, white British culture on all sides. Maybe it’s my own anger that isn’t acknowledged.
It’s not that I’m willing to turn my life upside down because of them, more that my life is shifting and presenting opportunities to be rid of them, (remarrying so name change and new home.)
Anyway, new year, new start!

@IsThisOneFree

If it's not cultural, then I assume it's 'conditioning', probably in part due to your late DH. I'm not slamming him, just that I expect that you 'absorbed' in whole or in part what he was conditioned to do.

Anger at them for interfering, you mean? Or anger that your DH 'left you'? You know that anger at being 'left behind' is absolutely normal, right? And that's something you can deal with. As can anger at his brothers for trying to run your life. Counseling can help immensely.

Yes, new year, new start. And I get that the upcoming changes in your life can present an opportunity to get the brothers out of your life. You'll have your new DH to lean on, but the real changes will have to come from within you, as all change must do.

Fingers crossed & prayers up that you are able to find the 'transition' you need to start afresh. Luckily your move, whether you tell them your new address or not, will put a physical distance/boundary between you and them as it will be yours AND your new DH's home so they can't just tromp in to lecture you. As far as your DC go, YOU control what your minor child(ren) do and where they go and you are within your rights to terminate any relationship with their paternal uncles, if that relationship is detrimental to YOUR relationship with your children. And if they badmouth you, it is. Remember that! The adult children will hopefully find their right path with their paternal uncles should they choose to maintain a relationship with them. Just be there and be honest with all your children.