Is gift giving really this hard?

[GretchenWienersHair]

All these threads with people being unhappy about their Christmas gifts has made me somewhat anxious. I try hard to buy gifts I think people will like but also have a very tight budget, so most things are very cheap. E.g. I bought DM a reflexology mat (admittedly, from Temu) because I know she’s been having health issues and wanted to explore reflexology, but I also know she’ll never actively look into it herself. I bought her a few other bits and bobs too, more like stocking fillers than anything. Other people’s gifts were along similar lines/prices.

It feels as if every other Christmas related thread this week has been complaining about crappy gifts. Half of the things listed, I either think “I’d quite like that” or have already bought something similar for someone! Surely receiving something is better than sitting there with nothing to open? I can’t decide whether lots of people on here are ungrateful or I’m a crappy gift-giver and shouldn’t bother next year!

I feel the same way. It's impossible to win, isn't it? I personally want to be gifted either something consumable that I don't need to find permanent space for (friends), or something that I have specifically asked for (husband/close family).

I tend to gift consumable things myself, but I am constantly seeing the things I like to give (chocolates, toiletries) criticised on here.

To me, literally any gift means that someone was thinking of me and got me something that they hoped I would enjoy, and that means an awful lot to me.

any gift means that someone was thinking of me and got me something that they hoped I would enjoy, and that means an awful lot to me.

I feel exactly the same. I hope the people I know IRL don’t secretly harbour the same sentiment towards gifts as a lot of MNers. It really sucks the joy out of gift giving! I just know I will be overthinking every gift I give now that I’ve read all these horrible threads…

But your few bits and bobs may just be unwanted tat to other people?

Many adults can afford to buy what they want and have preferred brands.

I just want to go back to 1 thoughtful gift that the person will love-that might be a £2 bar of chocolate. No need to spend to a certain amount or fill up crappy gift bags and hampers of stuff. No adult needs loads of bits and bobs?

Your £2 bar of chocolate might be just as unwelcome to an adult who knows what brand they like and can buy it for themselves, of course

Surely receiving something is better than sitting there with nothing to open?

No. Genuinely I’d rather have nothing unless it’s a specific item I want. I really don’t want or need random clutter. I opt out of Christmas completely for many reasons but this is one! I have a friend who insists on buying me silly trinkets anyway and it’s annoying. If someone says they don’t want anything believe them!

I think (hope) most people are generous of thought and grateful for people thinking of them, even if the gift might miss the mark slightly. I've had stuff in the past that perhaps isn't my taste but the fact someone has taken the time to choose something they think I'll like is enough. We can't always hit the bullseye with gifts! But part of the joy of it is trying to find something that is perhaps unexpected or that person wouldn't think to buy for themselves.

Remember, this is MN, which has far more than its fair share of the terminally offended or people who like to assume the worst of friends and family. Sometimes with good reason, but I don't have friends or family who use gift-giving as a weapon, so it's always an expression of love and caring in my world. And I'm grateful for it, as I'm sure the people who you buy things for are too!

I suppose, but I tried to make the “bits and bobs” be things I thought they’d actually like. It wasn’t loads of stuff, just 3-4 things each (e.g. beard grooming kit for DH who always talks about needing to take better care of his beard, a scented candle for DSis, etc.) No one has complained about their gifts, but I guess people wouldn’t do so to my face!

Some people on the gift threads I do sympathise with but most seem horribly precious and downright ungrateful, banging on about how they love picking out thoughtful gifts but I don't know how they can be so certain they've all been well-received. Also the phrase love language has come up a lot this year, which there is no need for.

To be honest no one has ever said they don’t want anything or given any suggestion that they’re unhappy with my gifts, I’m more thinking about how many people I have seen complain about things like candles or pamper sets on MN and re-evaluating how many things like this I give out (always with genuine thought behind them! I wouldn’t give one to DM, for example, as I know she’s not one for bubble baths. SIL, on the other hand, is so I gave one to her).

Wouldn't it all be so much easier if we just didn't exchange gifts?! 😁

I'd rather go out for a coffee/lunch with a friend rather than trogging round the shops, trying to think of something suitable as a present.

banging on about how they love picking out thoughtful gifts but I don't know how they can be so certain they've all been well-received

Exactly! Ime most people buy you what they'd like to receive themselves. One of my friends is always buying me scented candles. She really loves scented candles. I don't. But she's tried to think of something that would make me happy and that's really lovely.

The people I know personally who are unhappy with gifts are people who ask their SO’s for something SPECIFIC and they get them something else. Every time. That’s not about giving thought. That’s about knowing better or caring less.

I get gifts from a friend that gets me things that she KNOWS I like. So I am always happy with with I’m given. It really is that simple.

Your example OP is giving a gift to someone that you KNOW was looking into reflexology and your gift is therefore thoughtful.

I think people stretch the meaning of that word to ‘I thought of you when I picked up any old thing and you’re LUCKY I did’. What you are describing is very different.

Good point!

I have a friend of over 10 years who knows I’m lactose intolerant and still gifts me chocolate. Even though I also say repeatedly that, intolerance aside, I don’t even like chocolate.

We spent an Easter together and I told her to tell me what egg she’d like (as I know she likes chocolate) but DO NOT buy me an egg bc I don’t like them/lactose intolerant.

She STILL bought me an Easter egg. I threw it in the bin. Some people make gift giving about them, they don’t care about the person, they care that they gave the gift.

I also don’t like the idea of asking for specific things. I always think if I want something, I’ll get it. The fun of gifting is in thinking of other people and surprising them with something I/they hope they/I will like. So perhaps that’s why these threads feel off to me - asking for specific gifts (outside of the letter to the North Pole) has always been a strange concept to me.

I'd genuinely prefer to receive no gifts at all than be gifted some rubbish from Temu. I can buy what I need for myself and if/when I do, I buy things that are organic/sustainable where possible and importantly, good quality. Giving for the sake of giving is completely pointless IMO and is more about the giver than the receiver.

Ooh, well, that's a bit different. There's buying a gift that you've thought about that doesn't appeal to the giver, and there's being a twat, as your friend seems to be in this context!

I think it makes me feel guilty receiving things I don't want. I then have to either keep them when I won't use them and am really trying to declutter. Or think of someone to give them to.
I got very generous gifts this year but unfortunately were things I won't use and now I don't know what to do with them.

I do agree that nice shower gels etc are good as at least they'll be used. I don't want consumables in terms of alcohol and food as I'm always trying to be healthy.

Maybe but I did say 1 thoughtful gift that the person will love- so for instance my DSis loves a particular French food item- costs less than £5 but you can only get it in France. No other gift required.

'The fun of gift giving' makes it about you. I'll tell you something, I live in a small flat and have to keep clutter down to a minimum. No I don't want another mug with a kooky quote that you thought I'd like

I dont need a bagful of cheap tat. Luckily I'm now at the age when i want something i can buy it myself and its unlikely i'll buy tat if i do. I also dont need hundreds of some things.....eg nail scissors, umbrellas, scarfs - and a certain relative has just got into a yearly groove of present buying the same thing.

I have suggested to husband we suggest reducing it down, but he says his mother enjoys present giving. so i sit there and smile, say thanks and put it in the bag for second hand shop. not my preferred means, but i dont want loads of tat i'll never use laying round the house.

I for one am delighted with most of the presents I received, and the ones I didn’t I still appreciate the thought that went into them. So no, this wouldn’t be better!

@TinkerTiger yes and dont get my onto cheap tacky mugs

Fair enough. I actually meant “gifting” as in giving and receiving though - I love opening presents and seeing what others thought I would like. It’s an insight into how they view me. I also enjoy the process of paying attention to my loved ones’ likes and dislikes and trying to find something which will bring them a small joy. But I understand the storage issue too.

It's the genuine tat I hate and really would prefer to have £5 in a card or nothing at all than plastic tat, cheap bath stuff face stuff, cheap plastic smelling candles list is endless of the amount of tat that gets bought by in laws and we keep saying no more buying for adults it's not needed.

My family does a secret Santa and I much prefer that we all agree to a budget and there's an app where we then draw names and put up a list of what we would like so someone can pick an item from that list so much better you and up with something you like and wanted.