Is gift giving really this hard?

[GretchenWienersHair]

All these threads with people being unhappy about their Christmas gifts has made me somewhat anxious. I try hard to buy gifts I think people will like but also have a very tight budget, so most things are very cheap. E.g. I bought DM a reflexology mat (admittedly, from Temu) because I know she’s been having health issues and wanted to explore reflexology, but I also know she’ll never actively look into it herself. I bought her a few other bits and bobs too, more like stocking fillers than anything. Other people’s gifts were along similar lines/prices.

It feels as if every other Christmas related thread this week has been complaining about crappy gifts. Half of the things listed, I either think “I’d quite like that” or have already bought something similar for someone! Surely receiving something is better than sitting there with nothing to open? I can’t decide whether lots of people on here are ungrateful or I’m a crappy gift-giver and shouldn’t bother next year!

Honestly I think gift-giving is that hard because of food choices/ intolerances and preferences/ pickiness. People are now more conscious of clutter and the environment than they once were and so less likely to take gifts and stockpile them.

My parents have always had a bathroom full of dusty products, pantry full of expired food, bedroom cupboards with wine that had gone off. A lot of it is gifted. My MIL offers us a lot of her gifts. We usually decline.

I find gifts are mostly misses for me because I am quite fussy -- don't like clutter, don't eat a lot of junk food. My DH will happily accept gifts. He doesn't notice clutter and is happy to stuff things into cupboards.

My side of the family agreed to stop Christmas gifts and I'm genuinely much happier. At Christmas I just want one gift from DH so I have one thing to open.

If you’d been gifted loads of chocolate over Easter, would you want more? 😂 I barely have time or mental energy to sort my day to day crap, I’m not giving myself extra work or feeling guilty about it

Nothing screams ‘grabby’ more than the various posts over the last few days where posters have complained about presents saying ‘gifts are my love language’.

It always annoys me on MN when posters complain about being given crap presents and then they claim to give 'really thoughtful gifts'. I always ask what these 'thoughtful' gifts are in the hope of using them myself. I never get answers. They are the same posters who bitch about their friends, partners, MILS and SILS but claim to be 'really lovely' themselves.
I bet anything that they are not really lovely and actually give crap gifts as well.

I'm not fussy at all, but there are some gifts that are a 'no' for me.

This year, I got a few shower gel type gift sets. Lovely, fine. I will definitely use them over the year. Stuff like Dove sets, etc. Also got chocolates, candles, books, and socks. I'm happy with all of that.

I did, however, get a perfume set from someone that I won't be using. It's from somewhere like temu/tiktok shop. The writing is all in Chinese. I don't feel comfortable using products on my skin when I can't even read the ingredients on the box. (Not adverse to temu, someone got me a lovely bookmark from there for Christmas but draw the line at products to be used on skin)

I also got a set of Christmas themed coasters and a Santa key ring. That's another no from me. Not my taste at all (colour, design, etc.). Things like home decor, I think, are too personal to be good gift choices.

There's no excuses to not pass anything on.

It doesn't take 5 mins to give them to neighbours, friends kids, school raffles etc.
Just laziness.

Something about the word 'tat' makes me cringe. Such a vulgar, rude phrase to describe things other people clearly like.

Fortunately I'm very easy to buy for as I like most things and I appreciate the effort whatever it is. I think more people are like this. I can't believe most people are making a cat's bum face and using the word 'tat' to describe a gift.

I agree. I think it’s the repeated use of “tat” that got my back up in the first place. It makes me feel cheap (even though the gifts were cheap! I can’t afford expensive things… sorry!)

MN can make you paranoid about all sorts of stuff. I think IRL most people are happy to receive a gift even if it's not quite what they'd get themselves.
Most of the threads here about gifts have deeper issues, e.g. a mother who has never listened to them not listening again and it feels like disrespect, a husband who does nothing around the house and they were expecting some recognition for the extra work they do.

Ok 😂

I think most adults can/do buy the things they want when they want them. Unless it’s outside of their budget.. in which case it’s most likely outside mine too. Occasionally I’ll see things that I think they might really like but in general “stuff” is wasted on adults (and even kids to some extent). What their money can’t buy is your time and attention so this year that’s what I gave… afternoon tea for 2 for one friend for us in January. I’m taking my son to some sports thing (I can’t even remember what but it’s something he’ll enjoy and I can share that with him), my daughter and I are having a shopping trip and lunch. A family ticket for me ti take my SIL and nephews to a local hands on museum on their autism friendly session. I can’t say I’ve had any negative responses to what I have even though it wasn’t anything physical.

I always ask what people want so I know I’m not wasting my money and cluttering up their house.

I would be absolutely devastated if I knew someone had purchased me something from TEMU.

It's a minefield, I agree. This year I gave everybody -except for my DH and a young child- a John Lewis or Daunt Books voucher, a lovely card, and a small box of chocolates from my local shop.

Dd1 always makes up a hamper for me and I love it! This year she apologised because she hadn't put in any bubble bath - and I love bubble baths. There were other luxuries like baked beans and my favourite a calender with my dc and gc.

I very nicely told my dm for the umpteenth time that I'd rather have a box of malteasers or a bar of chocolate than a box of Milk Tray or pralines. I still said thank you. We'll see if she has listened but not holding my breath as I'm 60 this year!

What I hate are the inconsistencies, the people who say they don’t want anything but then complain when they get nothing or the ones who tell everyone they only want X and then complain when they get overwhelmed with X or the people who happily accept your thoughtful gift but then forgot who gave it them and regift it back to you the following year!

This is why DH & DS get specifically what they requested, parents get nice consumables and PIL get nothing or a token thing I don’t care about that they can give to anyone else!

For me it really depends on the person. For example, if I know they’re struggling with money/time, any present I will love. Even if it is a bar of chocolate or something- because I appreciate that they took the time to get it for me. Bonus points if it’s thoughtful (eg non expensive choc brand/flavour they know I love). For example, one of my best friends really doesn’t have much money atm, and is also incredibly strapped for cash. For my birthday she bought me a £5 poster of a band I really like and some tea and choc she knows I enjoy. Loved the gift, I didn’t care that it was cheap and I didn’t think it was tat as it was all stuff I wanted and liked.

if I know they have plenty of time and cash (and we have the kind of relationship where we’d buy nice stuff for each other and my present for them has been a bit pricey/thoughtful), I would be a bit hurt if they got me something that was totally thoughtless/cheap. For example, I remember I bought my friend some lovely earrings one year. In return, I got given some cheap honey moisturizer. I’m vegan and don’t eat/use honey (don’t care if other vegans do, I just personally don’t). She knew this as I’d mentioned it to her before, she clearly hadn’t thought that if I didn’t eat honey I might not want to wear it either. It was the thoughtless and cheap nature of the gift in comparison to mine which hurt. If she’d just bought me a moisturizer that was vegan, even if it was cheap, I’d have appreciated the gift! It was the total lack of thought which hurt.

So in conclusion: unless you’ve bought someone something they literally don’t like/can’t use, I think you’re all good. Likewise, unless you’ve bought something totally different price or quality wise (eg they get you a beautiful new handbag, you get them a kitkat), I think you’re all good.

I have no faith in my present buying and people are very fussy imo so I always give generics (chocolates, wine, candles or vouchers)
However dm thinks she knows people's style etc and always buys personal things such as clothes. She always goes up a size or two and doesn't get how that can be offensive to people. Despite all the thought and overthinking she puts in , I know that most of the stuff she buys people isn't used. One family member confided in my one year that she would never wear the stuff dm buys. I always tell her to get vouchers but she never listens. She has a lot of time on her hands so I think she enjoys shopping.

Mumsnet is full of ungrateful people!