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Original poster

Re: OH didn’t say anything

51 replies

SadSandwich · 26/12/2024 15:21

I was driving me and OH in town today and a lorry driver started literally shouting at me for my driving - I hadn’t done anything wrong he just thought I should have pulled into a gap rather than waiting for him to pass further up. Totally unnecessary from the lorry driver and more so that the lorry driver stopped next to my car as he was passing (hence why it was unreasonable because there was loads of room for the lorry to pass where I chose to stop) and started berating me. I said he was unreasonable and why was he stopping when he could pass, leave me alone etc. and my OH just sat there and didn’t do anything or say anything - just sat there. The lorry driver didn’t swear or raise his voice but was rude and thoroughly unpleasant. It was just mean and bullish.

And when we continued I said to my OH why hadn’t he said anything and he said well you were handling it. It wasn’t that big of a deal in his view.

I’m home now but I can’t shake just how let down I feel by my OH. Like I was abandoned. Is it not that big of a deal? Am I reading something that’s not there? Couldn’t he have said something at the time? He was just so indifferent.

OP posts:
EVHead · 26/12/2024 15:24

YABU. You were handling it. The lorry driver wouldn’t have been impressed if you needed a bloke to stand up for you, would he?

MaMoosie · 26/12/2024 15:24

That’s really shit OP.

My DH wouldn’t need to say anything because I’m a street rat that can handle herself well but he would because he’s my husband!

BeachRide · 26/12/2024 15:24

He sensibly didn't want to escalate the situation. I expect he would have defended you if you were at physical risk.

MyNimbleViewer · 26/12/2024 15:29

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MyNimbleViewer · 26/12/2024 15:29

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DuncanMeBiscuit · 26/12/2024 15:30

YABVVU

I was just thinking 'Finally, a Mumsnetter actually sticks up for herself' (which is rarer than hen's teeth lately), and then you go and say your 'man should've done it' 🙄

I would've been very annoyed with my DH if he made me look too weak to handle a situation like that without him riding in on his white horse.

PicturePlace · 26/12/2024 15:31

It sounds like you handled it well. I would expect my DH to say something nice to me afterwards, though, like "you handled that well", or, "that guy was a jerk".

Neopetty · 26/12/2024 15:32

Do you always need rescuing by your husband?

It's threads like these whereby men can't win. If he'd have "stuck up" for you it could have been construed as undermining your ability to handle the situation.

MimiSunshine · 26/12/2024 15:32

But what do you think he should have done? Leaned over you and shouted at the lorry driver? Or even quietly told him to move on?
what real difference would that have made?

you were fine were you not?

PsychoHotSauce · 26/12/2024 15:37

I'm as assertive as they come but there's two types of men in this scenario. The type that stays quiet but will step in if it got out of hand, knowing you've got this, and the type that silently cowers and may even make comments later that the altercation was your fault.

On the OP knows which one her partner is, and if she's posting id say he leans towards the latter.

fruitbrewhaha · 26/12/2024 15:37

Nah, what did you want him to do? Start shaking his fists? A much better response to this kind of bollocks is to shrug and ignore. Shrug, turn away and have an animated laugh and chat to whoever is in the car is the best weapon in your arsenal, shows you don’t give a fuck about their stupid complaint.

DuncanMeBiscuit · 26/12/2024 15:38

PsychoHotSauce · 26/12/2024 15:37

I'm as assertive as they come but there's two types of men in this scenario. The type that stays quiet but will step in if it got out of hand, knowing you've got this, and the type that silently cowers and may even make comments later that the altercation was your fault.

On the OP knows which one her partner is, and if she's posting id say he leans towards the latter.

The latter seems to fit the growing majority of MNetters lately, and according to most, it's fine to 'Not like confrontation'.

Say sod all but make sure to start a thread about what they could've said.

Hoppinggreen · 26/12/2024 15:48

I don't need DH to stick up for me, why do you?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/12/2024 15:51

You were the driver

why would you want / need / expect / hope that a passenger would join in ?

it is not relevant that the front seat passenger was your husband.

NovemberMorn · 26/12/2024 15:55

I would want my OH to stay quiet, and only act if the lorry driver did something threatening....which he would.

Original poster
SadSandwich · 26/12/2024 15:59

And what about afterwards - I can accept that at the time he doesn’t say anything - but what would expect ur OH to say after this event? And what’s the line between being rescued and someone having ur back.

OP posts:
Branster · 26/12/2024 16:00

You were the driver handling the situation.
At most, your DH would have intervened if this escalated to unmanageable levels (threats, violence etc). In fact, he did very well not to get involved as it could have caused further problems.
OP you are an adult and you can sort out this kind of shit on your own. You don't need a knight in shiny armour to rescue you.
I'd feel insulted if my DH would get involved in similar 'miss-understandings'.
I'm more than capable at dealing with such issues myself. And I wouldn't step in if roles were reversed either.
Also we have different approaches. I can de-escalate a situation pretty fast to the extent the other person would be profusely apologetic and see the errors of their ways. Whereas DH shuts it down straightaway usually with his 'special' look or maximum of 2 short sentences. Us mixing in it would be a disaster.

NovemberMorn · 26/12/2024 16:01

SadSandwich · 26/12/2024 15:59

And what about afterwards - I can accept that at the time he doesn’t say anything - but what would expect ur OH to say after this event? And what’s the line between being rescued and someone having ur back.

Afterwards we would both comment on what a dick the lorry driver was...and probably laugh about it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/12/2024 16:04

Take your choices;

a) passenger gets out demanding that the angry lorry driver shows his woman some respect. Interaction goes from unpleasant and uncomfortable to 1000mph and the rest of the day is spent in A&E or worse.

b) passenger sits quietly whilst ranty man gets some of his frustrations with life out verbally, then fucks off.

I prefer option b, myself.

Branster · 26/12/2024 16:05

SadSandwich · 26/12/2024 15:59

And what about afterwards - I can accept that at the time he doesn’t say anything - but what would expect ur OH to say after this event? And what’s the line between being rescued and someone having ur back.

Well he's your DH, surely you know and trust that he's got your back when absolutely necessary. Trust me, you did not want him getting involved unless an extreme situation took place. You might not be aware, but it is very easy for an innocent bystander to end up dealing with the police and accusations of threatening behaviour which can, and sometimes do, end up in a prison sentence.
And you want a DH who is capable of holding back and respect you know what you are doing.
As for afterwards, a bit of a non-event. At most, I'd expect a 'good call', but nothing would be better. It's not exactly something that requires praise or an in-depth analysis.

TTPDTS · 26/12/2024 16:07

The lorry driver didn't swear or raise his voice? But was literally shouting?

And you, the driver of the car already handled it by having the conversation with him? Not sure why you'd need your DH to backseat argue and join in. If I was handling it my DH wouldn't say anything at the time, would probably just commiserate by saying "what an idiot" or similar after.

Livelovebehappy · 26/12/2024 16:09

Whilst you think the guy was rude and unpleasant, that would have probably tripled had your dh involved himself. He could have pulled in and challenged your dh physically if he got involved, whereby that wouldn’t happen with you, as I’d like to think a man wouldn’t threaten a woman physically in these type of situation.

Original poster
SadSandwich · 26/12/2024 16:16

I take on board the comments about de-escalation at the time so accept that as right especially where 2 blokes are involved. But I don’t accept the indifference and that’s whether I handled it well or not. It just wasn’t a big deal for him. And that’s not being rescued that being seen. We didn’t even have a merry old time slagging the driver off. There was nothing. It was an entirely indifferent experience.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 26/12/2024 16:16

SadSandwich · 26/12/2024 15:59

And what about afterwards - I can accept that at the time he doesn’t say anything - but what would expect ur OH to say after this event? And what’s the line between being rescued and someone having ur back.

DH would probably say "he was a bit of a Dick wasn't he?"
And then we would both forget all about it

Ihopeyouhavent · 26/12/2024 16:29

Fuck me, men really cant win on this site. If he had of stepped in, there would of been cries of "i can deal with it, i dont need a man"

Maybe he was just embarrassed with your behavior?