I feel like Christmas is just a load of making yourself unhappy to appease other people

[HagTime]

I've realised that Christmas and life in general for women is just an extended sequence of doing shit you don't want to do because it's expected of you.

I'm not doing it anymore. I don't like Christmas, I don't like hosting and cooking and slaving away and setting up beds and endless cleaning.

I don't get to enjoy Christmas because I'm providing Christmas. I'm going on holiday next year.

I love it all. Including the million threads on MN moaning about Christmas.

Who is expecting it of you? I’ve had a nice Christmas so far. DH does all the food shopping and cooking, and bought most of the presents, plus we’re quite low-key.

What you’re describing isn’t Christmas imv. Now is the time to make clear what you want to happen next year over the holiday period

I don't relate. I love Christmas. I don't really do things I don't want to and the 'work' doesn't all land at my door. Perhaps that's the issue?

I think you are doing it wrong! I haven't done one thing I didn't want to.

You don't have to host, just have Xmas at home with your kids.

And keep the Xmas dinner simple. It's just a roast with crackers and shop bought dessert in this house.

Maybe have a read of this current thread, OP:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5237295-why-dont-you-prioritise-yourself?reply=140814617

We suit ourselves at Christmas and it's fantastic. In fact we suit ourselves most of the year to be honest. I gave up bending over backwards for people who wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire.

Just me husband and the kids always spend Christmas together every year never gone to anyone else for Christmas never had anyone here. We always have even since being married with no kids. I have told my now adult children start off as you mean to go on. You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do.

I find it harder the older parents get.

Our parents are elderly and my mum has Alzheimer's.
I have really struggled the last few Christmas's simply trying to make sure teens and the elderly are happy, this year was the worst as FIL refused to come anywhere, so DH and I spent the first Christmas apart in 25 years, which I found tough.

I really don't enjoy this time of year anymore, there is little fun in it without young children who still believe in the magic of it all.

So make changes OP. I did years ago and we no longer see family at Christmas. It helps that we live about 100 miles from my family and about 3,000 from DH's. There are still things I can't wait to jettison (cards, presents for wider family), but am resigned to continuing while my parents' generation are still alive.

I deliver our presents a couple of weeks before and then it's just the four of us on Christmas Day. I get up at 7 and go for a run, which is my time, then we do stockings when I get back, I cook lunch, we eat it, we open tree presents and then we chill out and do whatever we want. The lunch is still a lot of work, but I don't mind doing it once a year. I do it for my kids, to give them a nice Christmas and happy memories, so I don't resent it at all. And that's the key - as much as possible only do the things you want to do - and those things that you don't you have to find some way of putting boundaries around them. Those boundaries will be different for every family, but it's so worth doing.

This Christmas has probably been the best one I've had.
We had no expectations. It was just the four of us in our own home. My kids could open their presents at their own pace. No forced pressure, joy or photos. Everyone stayed in their pj's. I helped my DH cook dinner. We cleaned up together. Kids got to play with all their stuff. At the weekend we will be packing up all the Christmas decorations and tree.
DH played on the PlayStation at tea time with the oldest. My youngest joined them in a match on his switch and I got to watch my Christmas TV in peace.
We ate whatever we felt like. If my son (ASD/ADHD) felt overwhelmed he retreated to his room for a bit. No one got upset or shouted at him.
We all went to bed at 10pm. Kids were genuinely happy and grateful for their gifts.

I thanked the family through texts and phone calls at tea time. Job done.

This - the sandwich generation.

Both DH and I have mum's heading towards 99, both widowed fir at least 20 years. DH is an only and my only sister lives 100 miles away with little room for my mum to stay - especially when her kids are home.

We have hosted them both every Christmas for 23 years - apart from COVID when we had our only family Christmas without guilt.

I can't leave both mums on their own on Christmas day. But it is definitely harder each year. Our DCs are early 20s now, and so far spend Christmas at home, but I assume that won't be for much longer.

I do the bits I like (or the bits the children love and I don't hate), I streamline Christmas dinner so it's still tasty, but I'm not slaving for hours, and I've turned the stocking delivery into a competition with my youngest who's determined to catch me at it (I maintain that it's father Christmas, even though we all know it isn't)

Just drop the rope. Buy frozen spuds, go out for lunch, put everything in giftbags - if you hate something, just stop doing it .

Why do people choose to martyr themselves doing stuff that they don't want to do, I wonder?

Agreed!

This year...whole extended family wanted to come here for Xmas day. I said no because there's just too many and I do the majority of the work. So at least I stood up for myself to an extent. I'd prefer to have gone away but stayed put to appease the rest of the household.

Dd came here but really wanted her partner to come so she wasn't happy...he went to his parents to appease them...she's going to his parents today even though she'd prefer not to, to appease him.

DF wanted to come here but went to my brothers to appease him.

I suppose on a positive note you could say it's just compromise!

I think some people genuinely enjoy the 'martyrdom'. I used to have a friend who was very similar. No matter what solution to a problem you proposed, it would never work. Because they were happier being unhappy.
I love Christmas. I only buy for my immediate family. Christmas is just me, DH and kids. I see my parents Christmas Eve. They don't want to leave the house Christmas Day and don't expect me to either. DH always cooks. We have a nice chilled day, because we choose to.

I hear you OP and I agree. My family are chilled out and reasonable about Christmas and life in general but DP seems to be always wanting to have Christmas a certain way that most closely reflects his childhood Christmases like that’s the only way 🙄 It’s also gone too far to the capitalist extreme, we should probably all scale back to giving 1-2 things! I feel for people who are financially struggling and spend all year paying off Christmas expense.

Generally agree. This Christmas the work has been spread between several women. But yes it's always the women with the men and kids sitting back and enjoying themselves. It's really just a reflection of life in generally really.

You do stuff you don't want to do then complain. Have you no agency? We are just two and do what we want. DH went to see his sister on Monday, dropped gifts there. We didn't do presents to each other we had only the front room decorated, usually do the whole house. We had a roast. No different to any other Sunday. I phoned my parents, they are in their late seventies, they were doing the same as us pretty much. Today he was up at 6 and at his hobbies. I was up at 9 and am still on here two hours later. I just don't get all the obligations, it's a rod you don't have to have.

Eat out. Two hour slot. Somewhere all can get to.

Plenty time to swap gifts, eat dinner, and then return to your respective homes without having to host anyone.

Teens can then bugger off to mates or girlfriend's/boyfriend's house. Peace resumes.

I've never done any of the stuff you describe. Women don't have to do any of it if they don't want to. Those who do and feel the way you say are worrying way too much about what others want and waste their time and energy feeling guilty and beholden and all that shit. Just let it go and do what you want to do. No one has to 'provide Christmas'. There's no Christmas police who'll come and arrest you. You don't even have to go on holiday. Stay in bed, eat chocolate, watch movies, please yourself. The world will not end and others will fend for themselves. Apart from very young DC ofc. I admit I did a modicum of Christmas provision when the DC were little, but nothing on the angsty martyrdom scale of which you speak.

I love it. Especially cooking the dinner. Getting tired of others assuming all women are downtrodden. My DH is great and we work as a team at Christmas