Autistic child Christmas

[Shooowop]

Solidarity to those dealing with the needs of an autistic / special needs child today, as we know the sensory challenges and general excitement of the day can cause a lot of deregulation and challenging behaviour (my own is non verbal so makes it more difficult to explain what’s going on)

I'm sat having a cuppa alone savouring the last few minutes before everyone wakes. We go very low key and calm, presents not wrapped and staggered throughout the week so shouldn’t be too chaotic (famous last words), for us it’s more the meal that’s challenging and also staying inside (our usual places to go being closed etc)

And just so you know you’re not alone, not everyone’s Christmas looks like it does on social media or the telly.

I hope we all have some peace and some joy as much as possible 🎄 💪🏻

DS is a young adult now but still likes all the same traditions as ever. Presents are not allowed to be anything that is in anyway useful or everyday - a pair of the specific socks he likes to wear were met with disdain (clothes don't count as presents). At least now though books are allowed, they didn't used to count either. He's fairly chilled beyond that fortunately.

He likes a roast dinner (gravy free as sauces are a no no) and is a chocolate fiend. He built lego, played lots of card games, started reading a new book. watched the Christmas dinner Vicar of Dibly and just had a lovely day.

Oh and he bought me the most thoughtful present and hid it under the tree - which was the biggest surprise as he was the most self absorbed teen that you could ever meet!

Not a parent of someone severely affected by autism, but I have spent a career lifetime teaching autistic children in special schools. I loved it, but was always very aware that for me it was just six hours a day, five days a week. For you, it's constant, and possibly for a lifetime.

I just want to send my empathy and understanding to you all, whether you've managed to adapt and enjoy, or are struggling with managing your Christmas with your ND child and any siblings. I have the utmost admiration for all of you.

Wishing you all the best for 2025

DH manage to find the correct Lego piece in a spare bag we keep and we were able to sell it as an untouched piece of lego and therefore acceptable to use in a new set. Thank fuck

Day a roaring success DS2 wired as but didn’t puke and remained (just) in control - i’d have forgiven puking to be honest because he distracted DS1 with glow in the dark lego whilst we found a spare. DS1 calm and surprising thoughtful all day (apart from the lego wobble).

DH is now fixing all the missing bits in DS2 Lego. He is a super star.

Overall today has been a good day a few meltdowns but overall it was good.
Ds7 opened 2 presents the rest are still wrapped. He took himself off to his quiet space.
Ds3 had several meltdowns he enjoyed opening his presents and everyone else's that he could get his hands on. Had the biggest meltdown when he realised there was no more for him to open.

All went well in our house too but soft girl here didn’t switch the oven on when she thought she did so Christmas dinner ended up being at 7pm.

i only did the dishes at 1am. Such is life.

im just glad it’s no longer Christmas Day! I quite like Boxing Day.

💐 hope today is better.

Well it’s our 25th Christmas with my lovely boy (severe LDs/ autism) and we’re still learning! Wishing all you amazing families a peaceful New Year. Yesterday went well on his terms, he’s so exhausted with the build up so we are going to have a quiet, lazy week. Love it though in our little bubble 😊

So much swimming around in my head today.

Thank you for this thread. I only got to page 2 and feel compelled to post.

My children are a blend of ND and NT, and balancing needs is HARD. I myself have autism and ADHD. I have such a mix of feelings about this time of year.

Depression, resentment, disappointment, grief for the type of Xmas I accept we will never have. And no amount of throwing money at it will work.

Sadness at how the ND will never have the Xmas joy that the NT ones do.

Resentment at presents left unwrapped and unappreciated.

Sadness at watching the ND kids just stare at the pile of gifts, frozen in fear/discomfort.

No thank yous. Christmas is an ordeal to be suffered.

Eldest went back to bed. The other one said they didn’t want to go to the restaurant for Xmas dinner. (All booked and paid for).

Then I turn to myself. I grew up learning to mask from a very young age. To say and do things that society expects, and most of all to behave in ways that would make my parents comfortable. I learned where I could take up space and when to make myself small. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone for the benefit of others. I realised “it wasn’t all about me”.

It’s hard to not see my children as selfish, as they seem unwilling to even TRY to appreciate my months of prep. It’s hard not to feel hurt. They are 13 and 14. At what age do the compromises come in? At what age can they compromise themselves for their (also ND) mum? Like I had to from a very young age?

Yesterday made me realise my kids might be self centred, and I’m embarrassed they turned out like that. YES they are autistic and struggling. So am I.

At what age (if ever) can I expect some compromise?

Next year I want to leave them with grandparents and go abroad with DH, just the two of us. Because, what’s the point?

Oh I feel for you.

Its so difficult when you’ve put in so much thought, effort and money to ensure they are NOT miserable and yep, they are miserable.

If only I had the magic wand.

I can't offer a balanced opinion. I am biased and I accept that.

It's just me and DS that are autistic in this house. I wish we didn't have to live with family for support but we do. I'm a late diagnosed adult, and all my life I have masked until I reached peak burnout and I can't do it anymore. Because of what I've experienced I will just never ask or expect my son to mask, which makes it so hard for the rest of the family who just want a nice, normal, neurotypical Christmas.

I don't have other children, but we live in the "family home" with my grandmother so she receives all of her visitors and it can be hell for us.

DS does not sleep until sometimes 3 or 4am, despite bedtime starting at 6pm the day before, and last year because of this by the time we arose, visitors were already here. It robbed him of a normal morning and any chance in his own way to come round to opening any of his presents. We were immediately thrusted presents in our faces and expected to open them, people talking over eachother each having their own conversations, oven blaring with heat, tv on, paper being ripped and making a god awful sound, kids being kids and whinging and whining because they couldn't play with everything straight away due to no space, and either being expected to pretend we don't have a disability, or isolating ourselves upstairs in the home we live in to preserve what spoons we have left.

Because of everything, it took DS 8 days to decompress from the expectations and come round to presents in his own time. When he did get round to it, it was magical, but he couldn't do it with everyone else around. He couldn't even do it with me around, it was just him and my grandmother while she was leaving him to it and tidying up the kitchen.

If I had more kids and they were neurotypical I don't know how I'd manage it.

I would like to think I know and it would be simple like making sure everyone's presents were in giftbags not wrapping paper, and Christmas dinner would be a bread and catch it situation and visitors would be by appointment only but that's my very black and white thought process for something that isn't black and white at all.

I do think it's unfair to expect your children to compromise on this, just because you had to. Compromise has probably caused you a lot of stress in your life and it's these little instances of stress and trauma that build up over the years where we have to mask and pretend our needs don't matter that can lead to bigger issues like mental health issues. I think it's also unfair on you to expect yourself to be able to please everyone. You deserve to be able to let go of those expectations because Christmas can look different for everyone and you need to find a way that works for you.

@HebburnPokemon thank you. It's fine they were fine later on, just tired from not sleeping until 4.30am Christmas morning I think which exacerbates their anxiety.

Our little girl was a bit stroppy with it all once there were more people than usual and bathtime got delayed, but, she dealt well with the day generally and really loves some of her presents....

Rebound this am though.... up from 3:30am full power, chattering to herself about octonauts .... fookin' knackered.

We were immediately thrusted presents in our faces and expected to open them, people talking over eachother each having their own conversations, oven blaring with heat, tv on, paper being ripped and making a god awful sound, kids being kids and whinging and whining because they couldn't play with everything straight away due to no space, and either being expected to pretend we don't have a disability, or isolating ourselves upstairs in the home we live in to preserve what spoons we have left.

This is every Xmas I’ve ever had. I suck it up. And when it all gets too much I either hide in a room for 20mins alone or burst into tears.

do think it's unfair to expect your children to compromise on this, just because you had to.

Thats life though, isn’t it? A worthy lesson for adulthood.

What I’m trying to say is, at what age is “pandering” (for want of a better word) counterintuitive? By bending to our children’s wants/needs, are we setting them up for difficult adulthoods? I believe I’m only “high functioning” because I was trained to endure as a child.

Living in society is about tolerance and compromise?

I would genuinely appreciate diverse viewpoints on this.

I don't know.

It's nearly cost me my life many times. I've had every diagnosis on offer before any one even thought hang on this is exactly like female presentation of autism.

Expecting perseverance to perform to neurotypical standards and keep up a juggling act so nobody is inconvenienced or offended by the way you interact with the world is emotionally and physically taxing.

If you could take that strain off your children, wouldn't you?

Also I was "high functioning" for want of a better word until I wasn't any more and now I rely on benefits to survive because I coped and coped and made myself small so that I was never seen as rude or needy, and always had the right facial expressions and rehearsed the right things to say to make other people feel good for situations they have put us both in that cause me distress.

You too are only high functioning, until you're not.

You can't strong will autism away. There's no pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. There's no amount of practicing in the mirror that will make them neurotypical. It might make them good at pretending they are, and then they're at risk of using up all of their energy.

Meeting your children's needs where they are at isn't pandering. It's creating a safe space for them.

I genuinely think that there is no age when autistic people should be expected to be and behave nolonger autistic. A lot of misery for autistic people comes from masking and not knowing one's needs. It must have been shit for you being expected to cope with NT expectations all your life. Do you really want your dc to experience the same? Why don't you start by exploring your own true needs and advocate for them and fulfil them without guilt, and then hopefully you'll feel less resentment and are more able and energetic to support your dcs.

Hey gang :)
just checking in again. So nice the thread is still going! And also some laughs between the difficult times (tying boobs in a knot got me 😂)

we’re back to work/business as usual here, usual lack of sleep all round but quietly absolutely relieved Xmas is over.

trying to still focus on the positives whilst still feeling completely in the trenches.

theres so much on here that resonates with me and is identical to how my little boy behaves, this is still giving me comfort in a what feels like a very isolated life we have.

happy Boxing Day (and 364 days til Xmas… haha!) to all of us xxx

and How’s everyone’s day been today so far?

Also if there’s any nice moments anyone wants to share (and of course feel free to rant / feel sorry for ourselves / be angry etc too!!)

yesterday there were a few moments where my son really looked me in the eye and embraced me with love, usually I don’t get eye contact and it’s more whacks and headbutt that proper hugs. I cherish every single eye-locked look and proper cuddle I get! 🎄💓

SiL has just been explaining to me that it's processed foods that cause autism & epilepsy, if we could cut those out DS1 would have neither. Which is funny because he eats all but about 5 foods & we don't buy many processed foods as I prefer to cook from scratch- obviously some things but I'm not perfect. By contrast, the Christmas & Boxing Day food she has done is 80% all tins & packets as DNiece & DNephew won't eat much else 🤔

Glad you survived the ups and downs, @Shooowop - mine are adults now and DS2 lives for the Big Pigs in Blankets, talking about them all year.

This year has been easier than last for us. DS2 's anxiety and Tourettes dominated everything, last year. He was most anxious about the lack of buses on Christmas and Boxing day, after a local bus company being on strike for most of the autumn. He loves tracking the uses using bustimes.org and watching them pass the house. He spent the entirety of last boxing day chanting Arriva Arriva non stop until he was hoarse. He still has speedy gonzales moments but nothing like that, thank goodness. We were wrecked by the time he went to bed.

All is well, this year. He's happy with his presents - he gets more or less the same ones every year - he has studied the TV schedules in detail and we've just watched Tiddler (as much anticipated as the big pigs in blankets) on my ipad because he won't watch it on TV.

Onwards 🍷

I still try to make Christmas special. But I am alone in that. I dress the tree, I decorate. DS who are now 24 and 18 can't see the point. They choose their own presents because they hate surprises so can't see why I wrap them and put them under the tree.

I look back on the meltdowns and are grateful they are done but there was nothing good to replace them.

That's why I make it all about the dog. It takes the focus from them. He is like an enthusiastic NT toddler and DSs love him in a way they have never loved a human so he dissolves all tension.

Their favourite experiences and memories are channelled through him. Dogs are great companions for the ND.

If you could take that strain off your children, wouldn't you?

At the expense of them failing to develop coping techniques for adulthood? Not everyone will accommodate their needs perfectly. Perhaps we should be teaching resilience?

You can't strong will autism away.

Indeed. But you can’t expect the world to accommodate you all the time whilst refusing to make compromises yourself. That’s not how society works. I think the concept of reasonable adjustments is valid here.

It’s not all or nothing. We can mask some of the time (major events like Xmas, job interviews, peoples birthdays, etc) and unmask the rest of the time. My kids have brilliant brains, but if they never learn how to navigate others needs, how will they function as adults in a career? How will they form meaningful relationships? It’s about balance.

I can provide them with a comfortable life because I myself learned compromise as a child.