Thread 16 - TalkLair: "Well, I'm not exactly quaking in my stylish-yet-affordable boots, but there's definitely something unnatural going on here."

[Kucinghitam]

(Previous thread 15).

Another year over, a new one just begun...

In the TalkLair, the hearth is glowing, the walls festooned with tinsel, books by non-approved authors line the shelves, rugs are down on the floors, the tree is twinkling with fairy lights (and possibly being clambered on by cats). The denizens of the lair are a welcoming bunch though, always eager for general chit-chat on all manner of topics.

We just won’t mention the gnawed bones of our prey Christmas roast beast over there in the corner of the cave…

It's curious, isn't it? An ex- of mine had the coriander thing, which was mildly annoying because I bloody love it! Fortunately he had many much worse qualities and didn't last long. After more than 25 years, I have absolutely no idea how coriander-tolerant MrG feels about sprouts - I suspect if they turned up on his plate, he'd eat them without comment and might enjoy them, or at least be neutral about them. It ain't gonna happen on my watch, though!

Beware, not a nice post.

Anyway, I had the PET scan yesterday and I then remembered that I definitely had had one before. You get some radioactive sugar type thing infused through a cannula and then have to spend an hour doing nothing because if your brain is over stimulated then the radioactive sugar will go there for a party and muck up the results. I had a bit of a nap. Snoop kindly took me there and home again which given I was basically unable to walk more than a few feet was v handy. She was a demon with the wheelchair. I'm hopefully, well definitely because I'll be demanding, getting new steroids tomorrow which will give me enough breath to walk and also give me my voice back. It's v high pitched and eventually is something only dogs can hear.

My oncologist wanted to see me today but Snoop was unavailable, etc. I opted for a phone call. She was very apologetic because she didn't like giving bad news over the phone but I knew it wasn't going to be good. It's all around my trachea and growing, which explains breathing and talking. Steroids will definitely help for a bit which is a relief. I need to think about treatment because it's not a case of a cure, just a few months extra blah. You're all the first to know. I can't tell Snoop yet, she had to go through all this with Mr Snoop and it's so unfair on her. I'll have to tell her tomorrow because my white lie today was that I'd be speaking to my oncologist tomorrow. Anyway, sorry to dump this here and thank you all for being here with me throughout. I'm here for a while yet but not a long while and I think I'll probably be more Pollyanna than not but possibly with extra swears.

At least I won't have to put up with four more years of that giant orange arsehole.

Oh @FagsMagsandBags I’m so sorry. That’s awful news. I hope the steroids at least make things a bit less rubbish in the short term. Consider this a very safe place for sweariness.

Also count me in the coriander haters. I do like kale though (and collard greens which are equally tough).

Oh @FagsMagsandBags , I'm so sorry to read that.

Oh, that is utterly shit news, @FagsMagsandBags. I'm so sorry. Extra swears are definitely called for.

Thanks all. I've actually now talked to a friend. Not for too long because my voice became deeply fucking annoying - to me. She's going to visit tomorrow. I've also stopped crying which is a good thing.

Dunno what to say. God love you, FMG, life ain't fair.

Oh what shitty news. I’m so sorry @FagsMagsandBags. Swear as much as you like. It’s a fucker.

Oh goodness, Fags, poor you.

That's really crap news, @FagsMagsandBags. Definitely swear as much as you want, blow the bloody lid off.

@FagsMagsandBags I'm so sorry. I 'know' you well enough to know you'll grab any scrap of joy that's there to grab, but wish you were going to have many more years to grab them in. I hope the steroids help make it bearable.

Oh @FagsMagsandBags that is unspeakably shit, I'm so very sorry

Called the GP this morning, saved my place in the queue (you are caller no. 2546781 in the queue). They called back and that's when I realise I'm talking with a whisper. With? In? Anyway it was both deeply annoying, a bit upsetting and almost hilarious. Fingers crossed that steroids will bring it back. At least for awhile. I'm a talker! This is so weird!

Again, thank you all for your loveliness. Btw, have I missed a name change or are we missing VictorianBigot?

I think I've noticed a slowdown in posting rates recently. I wonder if it's connected to the new policy on ad blockers?

So sorry to this absolutely shit news @FagsMagsandBags

The phone queue for my GP has a really annoying habit of giving random queue jumps. You can work your way slowly down to, say, three in the queue before suddenly finding yourself back at number six in the queue. It never jumps down a few places, only up.

I have a friend round who's been doing phone stuff for me. Then we started talking about Cindy Lauper who was on desert Island discs on Sunday or Friday. Anyway friend, B, did her voice and then I did and for a bit I can speak in a high pitched full on New York accent. We decided this is not the voice to use to tell Snoop the news.

She's coming around in an hour. It's the first time she hasn't been the first to know, but it's going to be hard. B will pop to Morrison's while I break poor snoop's heart.

Plus news. Steroids are kicking in. B and I have laughed. There should be morphine, stronger steroids and diazepam should be at the pharmacy by the end of the day and the sun is out. It's a shit show but there's a lot of love around and I'm lucky to have that.

I'm so sorry it's shit news @FagsMagsandBags . Grab the sunny day with both hands!

Good luck with snoop @FagsMagsandBags. It's so shit to have to be told bad new and then tell other people too.

OMG, I'm so sorry, @FagsMagsandBags, I don't know how but I missed your big post further up. That really is a shitty piece of news. I'm so sorry to read it and I hope you're getting the support you need and deserve.

People are lovely. A really close friend might take on my Francis which I would love and I know he'd be happy with her and her husband and the one daughter living at home who loves cats and is a qualified veternerian nurse. I hope it can happen.

Snoop and I wept. Then I told her about the Cindy Lauper thing which by then I could no longer do. We laughed or she laughed and I sort of went "huff, huff, huff." I have my fingers crossed hard that I have some voice tomorrow. I do feel this is the most cruel trick! It was sort of nice today. Tears, hugs, friends, laughter. At one point I was supine on the bed and B and Snoop were doing some cleaning/tidying (the flat has turned into a bit of a tip as I've become too frail to do anything) and they were talking and laughing and I liked the sound. I've promised we are going to have some fun and good times before I go which Snoop says will help. Mr Snoop remained in denial which made it hard to just live and it broke my heart to see it and know it broke hers more. We'll feed the capybaras and I'll probably go arse over tit and we'll laugh. We're going to see Rich Hall and we'll holler. I'll be the queen of gallows humour. Anything B or Snoop said they liked today I'd whisper "You can have it when I'm dead." or "Take it now, I'll be dead soon I don't need it." I know they'll cry a lot away from me like I cry a bit, but for the moment - I'm sure this will change - I'm not scared. I'm sad. I want to spend years more with these people I love having such larks but I'll be damned if we don't have them now as long as I have energy for them.

Steroids today gave me my appetite back, phew! I'm also slightly less breathless so slightly more mobile and I have a 300ml bottle of oramorph so there is no pain. I can't have diazepam as well as they're both sleepy drugs and heaven forbid I overdose or something. Friends, I am going out of this world reliant on strong drugs and fuck the begruders!

You all help too and please don't think you don't. I'm happy to just see the chatter and it can be about anything. Moan for your own moans. Poor Snoop has tooth ache, I want her to moan to me about it becaus toothache is an utter bastard. Or talk about the flowers or the mad threads or ... anything! This is not all about me. I'll tell you if Pollyanna has gone missing for a day or two and I'll definitely tell you the fun stories too. I'm still Fags. The fact that my life is ending too soon is frankly tragic given how great I am (ha!) but it happens to the best of people and the worst. Although too many of the worse carry on living far past when they should have shuffled off this mortal coil. Orange Balls over there should have died a couple of weeks after he was born, whaddaya gonna do! His sofa humping mate and the nazi salute arsehole too. But the Pope seems like a mostly decent bloke and he got to be proper old. It's me and him duking it out now. He needs to go first so I can see one last conclave and also he's much older than me. I wish him a painless peaceful passing and wouldn't it be great if the Church of my childhood was true and he wakes up in a lovely afterlife and a few months later so do I and get to see everyone I loved before! Do those of you who don't believe (most of us) ever wish for that? I do. But I accept nothingness because how can you not. There'll be nothing so what can you feel when your eyes go blank one last time except nothing. I'd love to see my Rachel and my daddy though. And my happy non-addicted brother. And mum. And Georgie and Nimrod the best cats ever. So, yeah. Too many drugs, Fags. Go to sleep you lunatic.

Love yas!

If I ended up dead tonight would you please make sure by getting in touch with impedimenta on the old place that they got to see this post. I know they'd like it. N.b. I feel fine so I'm really not expecting that to happen I'm just, you know, on drugs.

Darling Fags, love ya back.

((( @FagsMagsandBags )))

You are an incredible woman ❤️

Sorry Fags, I've got a proper lump in my throat.