Vipers, I need you.

[Persimmion]

My life with DP is boring, he is boring, and I feel like I'm in a cage.

He developed a non -life threatening health condition after covid and though I understand how it affected him, he has since reduced his life to hobby and home. No more, no less. No holidays, no conversation, no affection, no meals out, cinema, theatre, socialising etc, etc. every evening is the same with meal, wash up, bath, bed. The few social activities around here are fine if you like being patronised .

I am going out of my mind.

I know I could take myself out and occasionally do, but 15-16 years ago I moved over 150 miles to be with him, so have no friends or family here and am so lonely. I loathe the town we live in, and am homesick. Not necessarily for the town I came from, but definitely for my home county.
I have tried many times talking to him about all this but he won't discuss it. He walks away/goes to bed then afterwards pretends it never happened.

I am living HIS life HIS way.

So -
Surfing Rightmove and onthemarket for properties in my home coastal area it seems there are quite a few flats to rent at relatively reasonable prices below £600 for 2 beds.

Pro's
*I would be beside the sea. I would 'know' every street, quirky turn, and history of the town.
*Be in my 'homeland'
*Be able to invite friends home. (I don't do it at the mo as he's so embarrassingly miserable).
*Be able to watch what I want on TV - he constantly picks fault with whatever is on the screen so I turn it off.
*Just live life my way in general.

Cons
*I would have to pay rent for the rest of my days. (am mortgage and rent free at the mo)
Most affordable flats are either 1st or 2nd floors - as I'm about to hit 70 yrs old might that become a problem, though I can still run up and down them right now.
*I have no living family members now.
*the thought of moving fills me with dread

On 'paper' the choice is obvious, but is there anything I've missed?

Agree with other posters. Say to him you're going to stay in xx place for a few days to see if you want to move back there. You never know, the realisation that you might go through with it might give him a kick up the backside! But his reaction will tell you either way.
Speak to a solicitor to see how it works about selling the house etc.

I wish posters would stop marvelling at the fact OP hasn’t made any friends. Some of us find it difficult and you can’t actually force people to be your friends you know. You can’t actually join all the clubs etc but it you don’t click with someone , that’s that

Do you have friends in your home town? Otherwise you could end up even more isolated.

You absolutely need to leave.

Are you looking at Anchor properties? I've been looking at them for my DPs as they are going to have to move at some point and they look the perfect option for them. They're lifetime tenancies too, so no worry that your landlord is going to suddenly decide to sell your home.

Look to yourself in 15 years - would you have rather enjoyed this 15 years making new friends, finding new hobbies and being content and happy in your own home, or would you be sitting there full of regret about sticking with a miserable arse just because of the "security" of the home?

If you can get home security elsewhere with a lifetime tenancy and it's affordable, then there's no reason to stick it out any longer.

Round my way there's few vacancies for Anchor properties, but you can join a list and leave when you can. If nothing is available, rent a small storage space and start buying stuff you'll want/need when you can go.

Go! It's your life and you deserve to live it!

Please do it! And if you're coming to south wales I'll meet you for coffee and cake! Or wine!

@xyz111 - I don't want him to come with me, I've had enough of being kept in my little box with no windows.

I'm really sad though as he wasn't always like this.

@MessyNeate I've just cried reading you post, thank you so much! I'd take you up on that in a flash, but I'm looking at the North /east Yorkshire coastline - anywhere from Saltburn to Bridlington, but especially Scarborough as I have great memories of it.

Writing this thread has made me realise just how tired I am from all of this. I've just been out for a verrrrry fresh, brisk walk as it's a gorgeous blue sky day out there and where is he - in bed!

@ElaborateCushion I had a look at them last night and I'm really interested. I'd much prefer them over a 2nd floor/no lift/over a takeaway/backstreet kind of flat. What was I thinking!

I didn't mean to make you cry!

I was with my ex husband for 9 years. So not as long as you've been with yours but he was very much the same. Went to work, came home. Did nothing else. Except make friendships difficult for me.

Best thing I ever did was leave! I have since got married to a wonderful man and we do lots together! I see my friends all the time. It's great having the freedom :)

@Sidebeforeself Thank you for your insight. You're right, I do find it difficult, but when I first moved here I did make a couple of friends - or so I thought. They turned out not to be trustworthy. so I withdrew my friendship from them and just got on with work. Shame really.

@MessyNeate Oh please don't worry, I cried in a good way as I've just been bottling things up so much! Your invite was just so kind!

I do have freedom - as much as I want - because TBH he's not bothered as long as I don't bother him IYSWIM. I think I've been trying for so long to get him involved in our life, that I'd forgotten I'm responsible only for myself, and he for him.

@MessyNeate PS - also want to say how glad I am that you have a wonderful man. Your happiness shines out.

Oh bless you, I’m also from that part of the world and although living elsewhere now there’s nothing better than the wide skies and rugged cost of that part of the NE. Scarborough could be perfect for you, not too expensive and has a hospital, train station, shops etc. You must strike while the iron is hot op, don’t lose your nerve or you will get older, it will get harder to leave, and you will be stuck in your box, when really you should be flying like a bird over north bay beach!

When you say you dread moving... if not now, then when? Can you reframe it in your mind, instead of a sad ending and a difficult move etc, to seeing this as really exciting, a new beginning, a bid for freedom, finding your joy, finding a wonderful new life! Putting yourself first! If you don't do it now, take the steps, rise to the challenge, then you will live to regret it.
Explore every option to find the best possible solution for a safe and happy home of your own. Very best of luck to you

I say absolutely go for it, life's far too short to be miserable. There's a couple of lovely retirement villages in Filey which sound just what you're looking for, and just a couple of miles along the coast from Scarborough (and much nicer imo).

Run OP run, you only get one go at this. Here's hoping you find the joy you deserve 🙂(From someone who ran previously and found peace, joy and happiness.)

Im very late to the discussion OP but I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you.

My late DM found herself in a similar situation as you many years ago. She had been controlled and down-beaten by my DF for years and finally by the time she left she developed cancer within 12 months and passed away soon after. She was only 62 which is no age by the standards of living these days. She had spent her whole life since her late teens with a man who disrespected her and broke her spirit and made her miserable. I wish she had half of your courage and inclination because if she had and had left sooner she may have had some sort of life before she died. I’m sorry to put a dampener on your thread but I just wanted to encourage you to leave and do exactly what you want to do because life is so short and precious and you deserve to be happy.

I wish you the very best of happiness and luck.

Live what time you have left the way you WANT to - not in situation where you are miserable. Better to pay rent than be so unhappy.

@Gardendiary -yes, it's beautiful isn't it, and even though it's not my actual home town, I visited it often as a child with my parents. I'm glad you love it too.

@FantasticButtocks the dread I think is not so much the moving to a new, unknown place, but rather the physicality of the move itself. But it will be done, so thank you for your kind words.

@Allthestarsarecomingouttonight Good idea re Filey. I visited it last year and felt it had 'retirement vibes' then. Who knew!

@Zaap Oh my lovely I'm so sorry to hear about your DM. My mother lived a similar kind of life with my 'd'f. He was quite unkind to her - and me - but she loved him unconditionally.
I think that my observations of her life are supporting my decision right now. Life really is too short to be miserable. I've tried everything I can to help my DP out of it, but he either can't or wont see the positive side of life. It really does make me so sad for him.

Thank you. I am sorry to hear that your own DM lived in such sad circumstances too. I think it can make us feel like we owe loyalty to people who don’t prioritise us because that’s what you learn when you sadly have parents who don’t have a mutually loving dynamic in their relationship.

I know you’re sad and that’s because you’re obviously a wonderfully kind-hearted human being but he’s not sad for the lack of joy in your life and it’s not fair for you to live like that.

There is nothing but strength and merit in knowing when to give up something that doesn’t fulfill you or deprives you of happiness in life. You did your absolute best and you should be nothing but proud of yourself for how you tried to help him but he doesn’t want to reciprocate it because he’s a selfish man. Those are his flaws to bear, not yours.