Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Vipers, I need you.

77 replies

Persimmion · 18/12/2024 21:43

My life with DP is boring, he is boring, and I feel like I'm in a cage.

He developed a non -life threatening health condition after covid and though I understand how it affected him, he has since reduced his life to hobby and home. No more, no less. No holidays, no conversation, no affection, no meals out, cinema, theatre, socialising etc, etc. every evening is the same with meal, wash up, bath, bed. The few social activities around here are fine if you like being patronised .

I am going out of my mind.

I know I could take myself out and occasionally do, but 15-16 years ago I moved over 150 miles to be with him, so have no friends or family here and am so lonely. I loathe the town we live in, and am homesick. Not necessarily for the town I came from, but definitely for my home county.
I have tried many times talking to him about all this but he won't discuss it. He walks away/goes to bed then afterwards pretends it never happened.

I am living HIS life HIS way.

So -
Surfing Rightmove and onthemarket for properties in my home coastal area it seems there are quite a few flats to rent at relatively reasonable prices below £600 for 2 beds.

Pro's
*I would be beside the sea. I would 'know' every street, quirky turn, and history of the town.
*Be in my 'homeland'
*Be able to invite friends home. (I don't do it at the mo as he's so embarrassingly miserable).
*Be able to watch what I want on TV - he constantly picks fault with whatever is on the screen so I turn it off.
*Just live life my way in general.

Cons
*I would have to pay rent for the rest of my days. (am mortgage and rent free at the mo)
Most affordable flats are either 1st or 2nd floors - as I'm about to hit 70 yrs old might that become a problem, though I can still run up and down them right now.
*I have no living family members now.
*the thought of moving fills me with dread

On 'paper' the choice is obvious, but is there anything I've missed?

OP posts:
MollyButton · 19/12/2024 07:00

Are you married? It makes a huge difference to what you are entitled to.

But yes, I'd get out. Life is for living, and far too short.

SweetBobby · 19/12/2024 07:02

I disagree with the majority.

You've lived there for 15 years but you haven't made any friends? I think if you're miserable then you need to do something about it.

That being said, you seem to be under the impression that moving "home" means you'll go back in time. All will be the same and your friends from 15 years ago will suddenly start to be back how they were back then.

You seem to be blaming all your misery on him but you haven't mentioned anything you've done to improve your own life. It's almost like moving is some sort of a dream to you, and dreams and reality hardly ever match up.

coralsky · 19/12/2024 07:08

Is half the house yours? If so I'd be divorcing. He's stealing your life op. You deserve to be happy.

FlamingoQueen · 19/12/2024 07:14

How will you feel when you turn 75 if you are still living the same life now? Yes, you may be paying rent for ever, but then you may decide to move somewhere else later on and it will be straightforward to do so. Go for it!

Whyherewego · 19/12/2024 07:20

SweetBobby · 19/12/2024 07:02

I disagree with the majority.

You've lived there for 15 years but you haven't made any friends? I think if you're miserable then you need to do something about it.

That being said, you seem to be under the impression that moving "home" means you'll go back in time. All will be the same and your friends from 15 years ago will suddenly start to be back how they were back then.

You seem to be blaming all your misery on him but you haven't mentioned anything you've done to improve your own life. It's almost like moving is some sort of a dream to you, and dreams and reality hardly ever match up.

This is something to consider. My Dmum did something similar after divorce, moved back to her home country after 20 odd years away. She had visited every year and kept in touch with friends, but living and visiting are not the same. People she was happy to catch up with on a holiday, had lives that didnt include her and it was hard to reinsert herself. She actually hated the weather and the amenities too. So she moved back here after a few years ! Difference was she had lots of friends here so had a good life here.
If you struggle to make friends is that because of your DP or because you don't enjoy trying to meet new people yourself? Have a think about what it would be like to be alone for a few weeks in a new town potentially with no one around. What would you do? Do you have hobbies or interests that you could use to meet up with other folks?
Btw do by all means leave DP if it's not making you happy! Just think carefully about where you go and the life you'll lead!

MaggieBsBoat · 19/12/2024 07:27

SweetBobby · 19/12/2024 07:02

I disagree with the majority.

You've lived there for 15 years but you haven't made any friends? I think if you're miserable then you need to do something about it.

That being said, you seem to be under the impression that moving "home" means you'll go back in time. All will be the same and your friends from 15 years ago will suddenly start to be back how they were back then.

You seem to be blaming all your misery on him but you haven't mentioned anything you've done to improve your own life. It's almost like moving is some sort of a dream to you, and dreams and reality hardly ever match up.

I think @SweetBobby makes very salient points. On paper I would say run! Run like the wind! But…

the risk is there that you issues follow you. People back home will be in a different space to you. Ask yourself what you’ll do differently in order to create a social life for yourself there, connections. And what out of those things could you have done where you are now? And why didn’t you?

Not meaning to sound harsh it’s just that sometimes we take the weather with us so to speak.
I live where my DH is from and have been lonely and realised I needed to meet women and get a life and somehow I am managing despite it not being my language (and I’m rubbish).
Also do you own your home?

Sunshineandrainbow · 19/12/2024 07:28

Absolutely go for it. You won't regret trying but you may regret not.

You can manage the stairs so don't worry about that changing. Yes it might but I work in housing and have people in 90's still able to manage stairs slowly.

Best of luck

Sunshineandrainbow · 19/12/2024 07:29

You could also search sheltered housing in the area you want to go.

Tanktanktank · 19/12/2024 07:38

Life is not a dress rehearsal

ducks in a row OP

if I were you I’d be looking into various scenarios of how to leave

leave, rent (house share) buy

leave, job, ie companion with accommodation, sort myself a bit later re buying

wait, buy

re home town, look into other coastal home towns and see if they would suit financially

leave temporarily and see if he bucks his ideas up and return if you really love him

not sure if there’s money in the mortgage free property with your DP that you’d have access to so apologies for the presumption of buying if not the case. 💐

JustWalkingTheDogs · 19/12/2024 07:42

I'd leave, life is way too short to be living a half life with someone like this.

Is the house joint? If so you could force a sale a buy, if not I'd go and rent somewhere. If you can stay a little longer can you save for a deposit and buy?

PerambulationFrustration · 19/12/2024 08:13

My suggestions is to think about leaving but in the meantime, try to look at being happier in your life.
Go and stay in an air bnb in the place you'd like to live by yourself. Let your dh know that you're going there to see if you'd like to move there because your life is currently unfulfilling.
Take the time out and really think about what you want, tell your dh to think about it too.
He'll know you're serious and you'll both get a dose of what life could be like.

Original poster
Persimmion · 19/12/2024 09:47

Thank you all so much for taking time to reply, it means so much to me. I am now going to try and reply to as many of you as possible ......

OP posts:
Original poster
Persimmion · 19/12/2024 09:49

AutumnFroglets · 18/12/2024 22:27

Most affordable flats are either 1st or 2nd floors - as I'm about to hit 70 yrs old might that become a problem, though I can still run up and down them right now.
Most but not all?? Get yourself into a position where you can move fast for viewing and deposits etc. Then when a good one turns up you will ready. Plan, plan, dream, and plan again. Only make a decision when a decent place comes up Flowers

EDIT - I was in a 40 year marriage but am breaking free. I don't want to die being his servant in a dirty, untidy and noisy house (of his making). Do you?

Edited

I'm so sorry you find yourself in the same position as me. Like you I don't want to die whilst still in this same situation. I started this post after having a vision of the next 20 years turning into groundhog day. I really don't want that.

Thank you for your very sensible advice and good luck!

OP posts:
Original poster
Persimmion · 19/12/2024 09:52

Mossstitch · 18/12/2024 23:19

Do it (I got out after 30 years and bliss). On a practical level, whilst waiting for divorce and financial settlement, you could look up any housing associations in the area and find out if any vacancies in 55+ sheltered housing. Someone I knew did that, they had choice of three, no waiting list. Benefit is they are cheaper rent and always have a lift plus often have social events to get involved in. 💐

I was up late last night looking at sheltered housing in the very area I want, and it seems there are 3 possibles, though there are waiting lists. Much cheaper than private renting too. So I'm planning on applying over the weekend. Thank you.

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 19/12/2024 09:53

Why does the thought of moving 'fill you with dread'? I'd have thought it would be a blessed release from the utterly boring and soul-crushing existence you're experiencing now with your dull-as-ditchwater DP! Life is for living OP. What you describe isn't living, it's existing. Go to where you want to be. If you don't, you'll forever regret it.

Original poster
Persimmion · 19/12/2024 09:56

Several of you mention finances, which I totally forgot about last night as I was so upset.
Even though he bought the house and paid off the mortgage many years ago, I am jointly on the house deeds with him. I have also paid for approx £20,000 of house improvements of which I have receipts for.
I also have a private and gov' pension, plus a small inheritance.

We are NOT married.

So even though financially I am pretty secure I want this move to be my final one, so need to take my time finding the right place I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Persimmion · 19/12/2024 10:02

Happyinarcon · 19/12/2024 05:07

I find it hard to believe your husband won’t discuss this with you and the only genuine alternative you can think of is to leave your sick husband

Believe me I have tried countless times to talk to him about how I feel . He deals with this by verbally not responding, going out, or going to bed (sometimes for days as we have seperate rooms).
He has been diagnosed with anxiety for which he takes medication. The meds don't seem to be working but he won't revisit the gp as he says there's no point. I did suggest counselling and he saw a counsellor 3 times then gave up declaring they're rubbish.
He will talk to me about his hobby, but ONLY about that. Believe me, after so many years of this it makes me feel ill to hear any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Persimmion · 19/12/2024 10:05

CountFucula · 19/12/2024 06:50

As you’ve already seen from this thread you will be seen (and probably by him) as a bad woma leaving a sick man. When to me you are a freedom fighter.
so you’ll be paying rent - so what? Get the hell outta there and regroup.

It's interesting you say that as he tells no one - absolutely no one of his illness, and I'm not allowed to either. The pressure of this is immense, and the cracks are beginning to appear in my head because of it.

OP posts:
BloodyHellBob · 19/12/2024 10:09

@Persimmion good luck, I hope you get sorted and move.
My friend's husband died several years ago and (it sounds awful but) she got a new lease of life; downsized from the huge house she hated, learned how to drive, took up golf which made her lots of new friends and she's just joined an art group. These are all things her husband stopped her from doing. She's living her life the way she wants now and is so happy!

Original poster
Persimmion · 19/12/2024 10:10

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 19/12/2024 05:51

How can you live somewhere for 15 years and not make friends? That's some feat

Show quote history

Isn't it! When I first moved here I was so busy working I just didn't make any. Work colleagues are one thing, but personal ones are something else. Once I finished work I concentrated on the house improvements that needed doing, and I've just realised in reading that back, how I seem to have backed myself into an empty corner.

It's really not nice.

OP posts:
Davros · 19/12/2024 10:11

Make the move! You're not even married, don't stay with him. What you really need is WOMEN friends, they are the best, hopefully it will be easy to meet some once you're free

Original poster
Persimmion · 19/12/2024 10:14

PerambulationFrustration · 19/12/2024 08:13

My suggestions is to think about leaving but in the meantime, try to look at being happier in your life.
Go and stay in an air bnb in the place you'd like to live by yourself. Let your dh know that you're going there to see if you'd like to move there because your life is currently unfulfilling.
Take the time out and really think about what you want, tell your dh to think about it too.
He'll know you're serious and you'll both get a dose of what life could be like.

I've been dreading Christmas - again! So I've decided to go away next week for the duration. The forecast is mild, so I can get some walking done if nothing else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Persimmion · 19/12/2024 10:20

cheezncrackers · 19/12/2024 09:53

Why does the thought of moving 'fill you with dread'? I'd have thought it would be a blessed release from the utterly boring and soul-crushing existence you're experiencing now with your dull-as-ditchwater DP! Life is for living OP. What you describe isn't living, it's existing. Go to where you want to be. If you don't, you'll forever regret it.

It's really hard to explain but living like this for years slowly eradicates that other person that you once were. It's not until you literally have that wake up call that you realise and ask yourself 'where have I gone'?
It's also realising that the person you share a life with NOW is not the same person you fell in love with THEN, and that he's not coming back. It's like a bereavement, and it's hard!

OP posts:
livingafulllife · 19/12/2024 10:21

Go leave and live a life you want go back to where you know you would be happy.

Chewbecca · 19/12/2024 10:24

Your list of Pros is a lot more compelling than the list of Cons.

Swipe left for the next trending thread