Why have mumsnet posters got so rude?

[Littlelou61]

Honestly I read threads and people are genuinely having a horrible time and posters are so quick to say something mean-

a poor woman asking advice about an abusive boyfriend will be met with absolute victim blaming

someone asking for dating advice is run into the ground for having getting to know 2 men (as is dating culture)

a lesbian mum is asking parenting questions and it’s derailed into a trans debate absolutely nothing to do with what she is asking

someone commented that their husband does nothing around the house and people say you’re a grown woman you should do it yourself

Genuinely what is going on these days

The ones I hate most are the ones who are obviously looking to goad victims of domestic violence. They leap in to tell the OP that their DH was probably “justified in beating the shit out of her because she sounds fucking annoying to them too”. Or even worse, the one on a thread about child abuse, where OP says she was under a child protection order due to severe neglect, and several different posters leapt in to say “were you? Were you REALLY?” One (thankfully deleted and hopefully banned) defended the OP’s mum and said OP should have compassion for her (amongst other things). The other (reported but still up there) said she’d like to hear the DM’s version of events because OP sounded like a narcissist and was probably making it all up.

@Ladyinbeds haha there is only one appropriate emoji for this and it is 👊 (that's a fist bump, not me wanting to punch you 😂😂)

There has been a large influx of menz/incel trolls. That accounts for a lot of it.

You do get the odd snarky person but it's the internet,I couldn't care less what a stranger thinks of me to be honest

@GasPanic and that's the problem and why it all just seems to wrong to me, I wouldn't give someone the V in a state of road rage for the simple reason that I wouldn't tell a stranger to "fuck off" (unless in absolute extreme circumstances and it was massively warranted!) like most people, I wouldn't say unnecessarily rude things to people in real life in response to simple questions so I can't fathom doing it whilst hiding behind a screen.

It's a very dangerous culture and in some ways it's really not too dissimilar to online/social media bullying that many children and teenagers experience, and we've all heard awful stories about what can and has happened. Similarly, I read threads on here where the OP has described experiencing mental health difficulties and people have piled on further abuse. Ultimately it is gang culture hiding behind anonymity and it worries me that many of these people are, presumably, adults and able to comprehend basic human behaviour.

The worst one recently was a woman who was sworn at aggressively by an incompetent tradesman in her own house and posters were asking what she did to make him act like that. Such depressing reading.

I agree @MaltipooMama

On the road rage thing, outside my house there's a small section in the road where only one car can pass at the same time. Ridiculously regularly, two cars will have a standoff lasting a few minutes, where neither of them will reverse to let the other one through. While a small traffic jam builds up. It is hilarious to watch.

Another anecdote that I want to say to toot my own horn. I annoyed a van driver once on my scooter, and the two occupants started doing the shouty thing. So at the traffic lights I started revving the engine and pretending that I was going to try to beat them out of the lights. And waved at them smiling. And then they actually started laughing, and it was a lovely happy ending!

I've dipped in and out of here for years. Recently come back after a 2 year absence and I see 2 of the many vipers from years ago are STILL here...no name changes..and still being as bloody nasty as they were back in the day

I dnno bluntness has gone

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Or society has been so conditioned by the idea that their feelings matter more than anyone else's opinion that many people can no longer tolerate differing opinions?

You know that in this country we do not have a free speech law what we have is people should have responsibility with their speech. It’s okay with different opinions. It’s not okay to do it in a sort of insulting way the problem it is people know there is a fine line and some of these clever types Are complete arseholes but they don’t go and do it directly so there are people that will make racist comments but do it in a way the other people will be like oh that’s not racist but people can tell what the dog whistles are for example

I think there's a fear of people 'playing the victim', 'cancel culture' and being 'offended by everything' which means that people are more likely to make excuses for abusers/bad behaviour these days. It's frustrating, because I am a firm believer in restorative justice and very much anti cancel-culture, but being against cancel culture shouldn't automatically mean excusing bad behaviour. I had an experince on here recently where I pointed out that a woman's husband, who had been following her around, pestering her for sex after she repeatedly said no and getting angry with her when she still wouldn't give in, was technically being sexually coercive. I got a lot of replies informing me that I was making 'false accusations', 'suggesting abuse where there isn't any' etc. I honestly found it very disturbing.

Agree @Workingclasslass There is a way to say things. Like if someone is wearing a dress that is clearly too small for them (and she's overweight,) there's a world of difference between 'that doesn't look right on you sorry, maybe try a more flattering cut,' and 'jeez you look like a right fat pig in that!'

And people who are worried about the amount of boats coming across the channel, (and everyone on them being allowed to stay in the UK) are entitled to be worried and concerned about it without being called a racist. If they say 'push them all back towards France - we don't want them here!' (with a bunch of racist comments that I won't post,) then of course that's not acceptable, and is rude, and racist. And they DO deserve the cutting comments from people.

There are fine lines, but basically, people are entitled to opinions, but there's no need to be cruel and nasty and offensive with them.

Also, if the 'tell it like it is' people think they DO have a right to their nasty, cutting comments, then don't be surprised if people tell you to fuck off. Or if they do what I do when someone is rude - or cruel to me. If you are cruel to me, and you upset me, I will just ghost you. I won't tolerate people who are outspoken and nasty and rude, and I avoid them thereafter. People like this get disliked by lots of people, and have many people avoiding them eventually anyway. I've seen it happen.

And I also think it's disgusting when I see victim blaming on here, and it's horrible when you see pile-ons. It only takes one person to make a nasty comment as the first response on the thread, and a bunch of people soon follow - and create a pile on. For this reason, I rarely make threads, and would never make one under my regular username.

I also don't believe that the people who are 'nasty' on here are like that in real life. Probably wouldn't say boo to a goose.

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You get some on every forum. People who just get some sort of kick out of having a safe, anonymous go at other people. Sad, pathetic, inadequate types, if they feel the need to do it.

I have been here for about 20 years, and it really hasn't. People have always been a bit abrasive but some of the posts are just abusive. There's always been wilful misunderstanding and obtuse responses, but not like this. The nastiness used to be balanced by really funny stuff. Now it's mostly just unpleasant.

Nearly every person I have met who seems to pride themselves on "telling it like it is" seems to react pretty badly when it's someone else dishing out the "telling it like it is" to them.

Generally they can give it but not take it.

Elon musk trump prime examples. Trump now saying he will shut the mainstream media like mnsbc because they don’t suck up to him . They are the biggest cry bullies

Me too (nearly). I actually think it's got nicer on here

Yep, the 'tell it like it is' people act like it's come kind of positive trait to be 'brutally honest,' and they often spout their rude and coarse opinions when they're not asked for. My 'favourite' comment from the 'tell it like it' type of person is 'you've put some weight on haven't you?' I'm like

I mean why say it? If I have gained say one and a half stone in the past 2-3 years, I know I have, and don't need people to point it out. I rarely experience these same people telling me I've lost weight though. I've lost 2 stone this year (stealth brag sorry!) and the rude abrasive people who have to say nasty shit don't seem to have noticed.

I felt so bad for a woman at a hobby group of mine (earlier this year) who is around 55 and has thinning hair/hair dropping out. One woman (around 10 years older than her) said 'oooh my goodness, you're going bald Shirley!' And then laughed! I was gobsmacked. Shirley never came back to the group. Horrible vile woman making this comment. So cruel.

DH and I were with a group of people chatting (around 7 or 8 of us) a couple of years ago - ex colleagues of my DH's, and a couple who they all knew approached us all (the man was an ex colleague too.) This one woman (Lynne) said to him 'crikey, you've aged since I last saw you a few months back, and you've piled on the timber!' And she prodded his belly! His wife looked like and said 'at least he's still got all his own teeth gummy gertie!' (Lynne only had about 5 teeth left, even though she was only 45, due to excessive smoking, and poor oral hygiene and general neglect.)

Cruel, cutting comment about her teeth? YES! But she asked for it. Didn't say 'hey Dave how are ya?' Just called him old and fat, in front of about 8-9 people - and in public. She regretted it pretty quickly though. Don't mess with Dave's wife LOL!

Also, this woman (Lynne) went flame red and was fuming at what Dave's wife has said, and just flounced off in a huff without even saying goodbye. Then she slagged her off to anyone who would listen ... for MONTHS. As you say, some can dish it out but can't take it back!

Now that is a perfect example of nasty and pointless posting. Nobody needs to read your red-pen corrections. They're not going to educate, they'll either make the poster feel small or you'll just piss them (and most others) off.

If you can't comprehend the thread then you needn't force yourself, the world will keep turning.

From everything I've seen, literacy really doesn't equal intelligence either. SPAG morons are just a base irritant and if they're reported then the posts get deleted.

Why would anyone set that up tho?

Hmm I’m a 2006 veteran and I think it’s more tame now.
I had my moments when I was unnecessarily mean to strangers on here. I was young and desperately unhappy in my then marriage and was usually getting acquainted with the latter half of a bottle of Pinot. When I see the same sort of snarky comments from others I can’t help but wonder if they are someone like I was.

Name and shame