Gratitude & politeness opening presents - young child?

[trapforsanta]

My son is 4.5. Last year he received a Christmas present from his Grandma (my mum) which he wasn't very excited about. Unfortunately he totally showed this in his reaction, looking disappointed / bored and discarding the gift straight away. I was mortified, and felt embarrassed as well as saddened at his reaction, although I know he was only 3 at the time so it's probably to be expected.

For context Grandma can be quite a tricky lady and is very upright and wasn't impressed. Of course she would have been understandably hurt too. I'm trying to separate my own triggers of feeling her disapproval with the reality of my son behaving rudely / ungratefully which goes against my values.

Anyway, how do you teach your child to have empathy and think about the person giving the presents as well as their own experience, and how do you teach them to react politely and ideally have gratitude nomatter what they receive?

I obviously talk to him about it and also try to weave this message into bedtime stories we read and movies we watch, but still I don't think it's sunk in. I'm not sure if that's complete normal for 4 year olds!

I cannot guarantee everyone will buy him a gift he adores and he is so lucky to have grandparents getting him things.

We are also suggesting to him he goes out with mummy and then with daddy to choose the other parent a gift, but he says he will buy us Lego (his favourite) so again the concept of empathy not quite there yet! When does this develop?

It’s completely normal for a 4-year-old to still be learning empathy and gratitude—these are skills that develop gradually as they grow and gain more awareness of others’ feelings. At this age, children are naturally focused on their own wants and emotions, so don’t be too hard on yourself or your son!

To be honest in that situation I'd be more 'hmmm' at grandma's reaction than a 3 year olds. Grandma should be old enough to know 3 year olds aren't always polite, they are still learning, and Christmas can be overwhelming for them.

In situations like this I 'coach' the DC directly before hand....I'm blunt and tell them "now remember, even if you don't like the present you have to say thank you".

As for empathy, I suppose it'll come soon...DS1 (nearly 5) thinks we should get me 'lots of coffee' and 'something sparkly" for Christmas.

Oh let him buy the Lego! Then you can do it together, that's what he wants, for you to enjoy playing with him.

Sounds totally normal and he's still quite young. We certainly had similar issues at a similar age. I remember DC being given a chocolate at the check out and he refused to say thank you so I said if he didn't we would have to give it back. He still refused. So I did and then had to carry a screaming, fighting and flailing 4 year old out the shop along with my shopping and baby.

Equally embarrassing, similar situation with friends who'd bought DC2 a gift. Refused to say thank you. I told her if she didn't say thank you we would have to give it back so she walked over and handed it back and said "no thank you" 😳

It's lovely seeing what they think you would like, even if it's totally random. One year I got an anti-mosquito candle and some post it notes! It will come, especially if you model the behaviour you want to see and encourage him to draw a thank you picture.

Gratitude & politeness opening presents - young child?

It's unreasonable to ask this of a child under the age of eight - sometimes not even then.

Agree with this.

And coffee and sparkles - so sweet of your DS 💕

Young children are so excited at Christmas, especially about opening presents.

I think our society makes this much worse - building it up, making them wait, insisting it's all going to be fabulous, pressure from family members, travelling and staying in strange places.

It is hardly surprising that in this situation some children who may be very polite normally struggle with the social expectations around gifts. They may simply be too young to manage any disappointment graciously.

Adults are there to support them in this, not judge or criticise them. It would also be great if adults role modelled the behaviour they want to see - I'm not sure this always happens (if mumsnet threads are anything to go by)

Expectations on children should not be greater than expectations of adults.

Grandma is the adult, it isn't your ds' responsibility to manage her feelings.

In terms of teaching manners, I did used to run through these questions before any gift giving days, but I think that expecting a small child to convincingly hide their feelings is unreasonable:

"What do you say if you get a present you like?
Thank you
What do you say if you get a present you don't like?
Thank you
What do you say if you get a present you've already got?
Thank you"

Grandma should sensibly check with DC's dad what DC wants before buying. (Dad rather than um, because mums tend to be lumbered with all this emotional work.)

Exactly this.
It’s called teaching them to BS from a young age. 🤣
It costs nothing to just say thank you. It can always be snuck into the charity bag later.

The grandmother sounds the problem here.

People who are 'tricky' are not usually good news.

When my daughter was a similar age she chose to buy me a minions Easter egg for mothers day. Their logic is different at that age... they chose what they like as they see us being happy about them getting those things.

Plus a 3yo is learning social graces... they are learning that lying is bad, so they know to be honest but the extra step of the the white lie i.e liking a present.

Practice role-playing present opening just the two of you, and also practice him telling you about it later. Lots of fun talk about it as build up too - I wonder what gift grandma will have wrapped do you think it'll be a silly one we can giggle about later or a fun present? Do you remember how to say thank you when you open it? If you dont like it very much we can talk all about it later when grandma isn't there because we don't want to hurt her feelings.

For you, don't be surprised if he doesn't get it quite right. Big emotions can override even well-rehearsed plans. Also remember the point of this is to learn general politeness skills that will serve him in many situations going forward. If grandma is so impossible to please that nothing is good enough then you don't have to account for that and teach him to please her specifically.

My great aunty used to get me some very strange presents - I'm pretty sure some were from a jumble sale. She died last year and I miss her and think fondly of those old lady presents!

EIGHT?! They get a pass until they're about 3 or 4 max! Then a thank you is compulsory and be polite. I always taught them that even if you don't like the gift, it's still nice that the person has made an effort and spent their money to give you something and that is what we appreciate.

A child of eight being rude like that would open no more gifts and go to their room until they could join civilised society. ⁸With a bar that low its no wonder children and teens are growing up immature and entitled.

As an aside my youngest had a birthday a month ago. She got a toy that really wasn't her thing. A doll with hair styling stuff. She is the least girly girl I know. But she opened it, she smiled said 'she's pretty, thanks' hugged the cousin who gave it to her then quietly came up to me after the party and said 'Mummy, I don't want to play with this.' I put it in a charity bag. It's not hard to teach them politeness.

This. There is no need for bullshitting because 'thanks' is not about liking the present, it's about appreciating that someone cared about you enough to give you something.

Exactly that. Our DDs were taught that very early on.
'When people give us presents it's because they're being very kind, so even if the present isn't isn't what we want, we still smile and say thank you, because they did a kind thing for us'.

The poster who said that eight year olds can't understand that, has extremely low expectations of children.

You can rehearse beforehand, but in the moment a small child is likely to forget.

What should happen is that you carefully watch him open the gift, then as soon as the gift is unwrapped and he just is about to put it aside, you tell him "say thank you to Grandma". He then says "thank you", hopefully whilst looking at her.
You don't make any fuss over the way he says it. It doesn't matter if he says it in a monotone chant. It doesn't matter what he is really thinking or feeling in that moment. The point is you are teaching and enforcing the social rule.
As he gets older, he will learn to fake thanks with a bit more skill.

Seriously? Christ you have a very low bar for what constitutes good behaviour from your children.

Our DDs learned excellent manners from a very young age. At 8 years old there's not a chance they'd have kicked off or sulked because of an unwanted present (and not even at 4 either).

This is why there are so many rude brats running feral nowadays.

The fact that you are working on this will lead to him being an age appropriate emotionally intelligent person.

Grandma however needs to get up to speed with the the fact that what she thinks he wants and what he wants are ever likely to be different!

What was the gift that he was given?!

Last time I saw my mum she told me that my Christmas gift last year wasn’t very good and I shouldn’t bother in future 😬

I have to say I never had this problem with any of my kids at any age. I taught them all from day dot about gratitude and saying thank you no matter what they get. Thankfully they never made a show of me in that regard.

You're worried that your then 3 and now 4 yo can't be fake enough to manage a grown adult's emotions and feelings?

Your priorities are really skewed here , possibly clouded by your mum's behaviour towards you and your relationship with her, however it's very unfair to put all that on incredibly tiny shoulders.

If your mum is a dick, she'll be a dick regardless of whether your son is a performing monkey for her or not.

He’s still very young to be expected to feel empathy especially the type that requires him to express gratitude for something he’s not excited about. That’s quite sophisticAted skill not even some adults haven’t mastered! Does grandma know him well? Does she ask you for ideas for gifts? Because if she doesn’t know him well enough to get him gifts he actually likes that might be on her. I wouldn’t expect a child to have a lukewarm response to a gift from a person who knows him, spends time with him and has done some research into what he’d like.

Did grandma ask what he likes? Doesn't she kne2?
I've had dc had gifts and it's taken 6 months for them to come around to them. So good stuff to play with later in the year