Gratitude & politeness opening presents - young child?

[trapforsanta]

My son is 4.5. Last year he received a Christmas present from his Grandma (my mum) which he wasn't very excited about. Unfortunately he totally showed this in his reaction, looking disappointed / bored and discarding the gift straight away. I was mortified, and felt embarrassed as well as saddened at his reaction, although I know he was only 3 at the time so it's probably to be expected.

For context Grandma can be quite a tricky lady and is very upright and wasn't impressed. Of course she would have been understandably hurt too. I'm trying to separate my own triggers of feeling her disapproval with the reality of my son behaving rudely / ungratefully which goes against my values.

Anyway, how do you teach your child to have empathy and think about the person giving the presents as well as their own experience, and how do you teach them to react politely and ideally have gratitude nomatter what they receive?

I obviously talk to him about it and also try to weave this message into bedtime stories we read and movies we watch, but still I don't think it's sunk in. I'm not sure if that's complete normal for 4 year olds!

I cannot guarantee everyone will buy him a gift he adores and he is so lucky to have grandparents getting him things.

We are also suggesting to him he goes out with mummy and then with daddy to choose the other parent a gift, but he says he will buy us Lego (his favourite) so again the concept of empathy not quite there yet! When does this develop?

No, not rubbish. But believe whatever you like. I say that as an autistic adult who raised an autistic child and has an autistic grandchild.

And what are you? I'd like to know so I can caution people against it.

And you think that a NT 8yo shouldn't be expected to know how to behave when opening presents? Come on.

Do you find yourself with fixations? Suffering from a need to make other people think as you do? Unable to allow other people their opinions? Unwilling to consider that you might be wrong?

Do you find yourself projecting?

Never.

Honestly, at that age, I think politeness is to be expected.

Gratefulness? Come on. As an adult, don’t tell me you’re grateful when a close family member (or partner) gives you a present that clearly shows no thought or has been bought because THEY like it rather than you.

By 4 years old our DDs would have already known to smile and be polite about an unwanted gift.

Aside from that, as you grow older knowing how to conduct yourself gracefully in social settings is a very useful skill. Teaching your child to be socially adept is one of the best things you can do for them.

I'm the parent with the very socially adept children.

Right, well that explains a lot. Wishing you all the best and a Merry Christmas [saunters off]

As long as smoothing over things in social setting doesn’t become being hypocritical.

Like expecting gratefulness from an 8yo child in front of a crap gift.
If an adult was doing that, I’d call them hypocrite.
(But politeness is still expected)

He's only little ... a bit too small to have a drama degree! It is very hard for someone this small to have to act. And he will only just be beginning to understand why he should.

Your.mum was being very silly to be offended and shows a complete absence of understanding of small children. Most adults would have kept the receipt and be ready to change the present if it turns out it is not something the child likes.
During Christmases with my DGC there is a lot of gentle hinting to say thank you ... they are just beginning to get the idea and say it themselves. But they still find it hard to cover up disappointment! I find it a challenge too!
There is nothing wrong with your boy!

Had they actually been in that situation?

Sympathies @trapforsanta . My kids (6 and almost 3) will say thank you after opening a gift, but I also have a mother like you - and neither are convincing actors when faced with something they don't like/want. That's normal I feel at this age.

I have issues with receiving gifts and it all stems from being in a similar situation as a child. I preferred football and the planets to dollies and frills and whilst I knew to always say thank you, my face always gave me away.
Someone suggested a pre-emptive role play and that sounds like a fab idea but ultimately, a small child cannot be held responsible for an adult's hurt feelings. If you go off-list with a gift, you need to accept the possibility it will not be well received.

I'm nearly 40 and my face still gives me away if I'm blindsided by something. Only for a few seconds(while I consciously make the effort to hide it), but if someone is watching , it's pretty obvious what I'm thinking no matter what my mouth is saying.