Gratitude & politeness opening presents - young child?

[trapforsanta]

My son is 4.5. Last year he received a Christmas present from his Grandma (my mum) which he wasn't very excited about. Unfortunately he totally showed this in his reaction, looking disappointed / bored and discarding the gift straight away. I was mortified, and felt embarrassed as well as saddened at his reaction, although I know he was only 3 at the time so it's probably to be expected.

For context Grandma can be quite a tricky lady and is very upright and wasn't impressed. Of course she would have been understandably hurt too. I'm trying to separate my own triggers of feeling her disapproval with the reality of my son behaving rudely / ungratefully which goes against my values.

Anyway, how do you teach your child to have empathy and think about the person giving the presents as well as their own experience, and how do you teach them to react politely and ideally have gratitude nomatter what they receive?

I obviously talk to him about it and also try to weave this message into bedtime stories we read and movies we watch, but still I don't think it's sunk in. I'm not sure if that's complete normal for 4 year olds!

I cannot guarantee everyone will buy him a gift he adores and he is so lucky to have grandparents getting him things.

We are also suggesting to him he goes out with mummy and then with daddy to choose the other parent a gift, but he says he will buy us Lego (his favourite) so again the concept of empathy not quite there yet! When does this develop?

At 3 he's a bit young to be able to pretend that he likes it.

Agree with the others, you can rehearse and it is worth it but children do often show their real feelings especially at age 3 and 4.

Grandma sounds very difficult.

Totally agree.
He’s a little kid, op!

Grandma sounds like she doesn't know a young child.

It's a complex idea this - you're asking him to lie to protect someone's feelings, I don't think kids fully get this until they are 6 or 7.

Normally the grandparent would ask for hints about what the child would like.

Grandma is the issue there.
She could easily ask if <insert present> would be a good idea for her grandson.
Pretty normal to feel disappointed of the gift you chose didn’t hit the mark. But it’s not your ds job to smooth over her feelings.

If I’m given something I dint like/care about, I say thank you. I’m not going to go to great length to make the giver think I’m delighted. Not the least because they’d be more likely to them give me sine thing along similar lines again.

EDIT to add
Most children that age, when presented with a big pile of toys, will chose one or two to play with. Or the boxes 😁😁
It doesn’t actually always mean they dint like them anyway. Just that it’s not what took their interest there and then.

Agree with PPs. Grandma's feelings are her own to sort out. The 3YO shouldn't feel the burden of managing them. (My kids grandparents always checked with us beforehand on presents so any awkwardness was minimal.)

Also think this is why it's really important adults have presents*. Children need adults to role model how to receive a gift. But yes, a bit of coaching in advance should sort this out. Always say thank you.

*and because we love presents

Christ you have a very low bar for what constitutes good behaviour from your children.
I expect them not to blaspheme.
I don't expect them to perform being excited or grateful for the benefit of adults.

Might I suggest you take some time to study emotional development in children?

They should be buying presents you guide them towards and/or know their grandchild well enough to choose appr stuff

And yet there are whole threads on Mumsnet about how annoying it is when grandparents ask for guidance on what to buy their grandchildren for Christmas.

They really can't win.

Oh, you're one of those parents.

Thanks for the advice!

Yes my mum is a nightmare. She's rather narcissistic (an overused term but sadly accurate in this case), so it's usually all about her. She has asked for an idea for one present this year which is good, but then she also added "and I've decided I'm going to buy him X" which is definitely something she wants him to like and not something he will actually like.

So I am starting the practising thank yous!

Why are you pandering to her and worse, perpetuating the madness and trying to train your young child to pander to her too?

Don't you see how messed up that is? Your 4 yo needs to mind his words and manners, needs to manage AND fake his emotions and thoughts and feelings because SHE can't manage hers. And YOU can't manage or stand up to her.

I do the coaching before hand about saying thank you in every situation bit also add on that I will sort it out later, as especially at christmas is can feel disappointing to have 3 of the same when your sibling has 3 different presents. The reassurance of me 'sorting it' often is enough to allow them to bullshit convincingly!

True, but most GPs are glad of a hint and most parents appreciate appr presents for the kids

So what do you do if someone who loves you gives you a gift that you don't like? So you scowl? Give it back to them? Tell them you don't like it? Presumably you don't 'pander' to them then?

Most of us try to avoid hurting feelings though.

@saraclara people who love you either know you well enough and care enough to get a gift that isn't completely unsuitable, or at least not mind when they miss the mark, particularly if you’re 3 or 4.

I remember DD getting a xmas gift from a friend of mine, taking it out , putting in aside and then promptly climbing in the huge gift bag and having the time of her life in there. My friend found it hilarious .

Should we teach children to say thank you when they get something whatever it is? Sure. Should we expect 4 yos to fake enthusiasm and happiness to appease narcissists because we can't be arsed to deal with it ourselves? No. Intent matters. OP is bothered because of her mum's reaction. It's a shit thing to teach a child and make them responsible for.

Think about this long term and all the possible implications. It's not just about the gift, and it will never be. Her kid will have a lifetime of performing (and falling short) because OP can't stand up to her mother.

He sounds like a perfectly normal 4 year old. They learn and develop empathy from experiences it’s not something you can just switch on in them if that makes sense.
Please don’t turn him into a people pleaser. You can practice a few sentences for when the opens your dm present, we’ll have fun playing with that later, that’ll look beautiful in your bedroom, that’s so special. Etc.

My mother was a nightmare at Christmas, we children HAD to love her presents more than anyone else’s. Christmas was doomed by her temper if we didn’t. I’ve hated Christmas all my life.
Open the gift/s from DM, make some noises then move on. I’m a

A few of the social graces and a little bit of charm makes the world infinitely easier to navigate.

Could you explain what you mean by that? What do you expect a 4yo to do?

When old enough, teach "that was very kind of you" which they can say sincerely whether they like the gift or not.

I have to say we have made a game of giving each other random gifts (a potato, a spoon) and pretending to like them. I don't think it's resigning them to a future of people pleasing.

For context Grandma can be quite a tricky lady and is very upright and wasn't impressed.

This really tickled me. Honestly it’s pathetic and it’s a ‘her’ problem.

What parent is that then?

Thinking about what others might like as a gift comes on around 5-6 I think.

DD has just turned 6 and she chose a pink fluffy elephant for DH for his birthday last year. Whereas she's just got back from shopping with DH today and insisted on bringing me flowers home as an "I love you present"! So she's getting there now. She's also been good at suggesting presents for her friends birthday's this year.

When they're little it's more "this would bring me joy so must bring person X joy too". At least with DD that means I've mostly been bought cuddly toys and chocolate for the last few years!

DD has been good at saying thank you for the last couple of years, even when she doesn't love the present, but there's definitely a noticeable enthusiasm difference when it's something she particularly loves. And that definitely can't be helped with kids I think.

What rubbish. And I say that as a parent of an autistic child. Eight!!!!!