Anyone else awake?

[Anonymous2003]

Been lying awake for probably over an hour and a half worried sick about someone close to me, and angry about how their behaviour is affecting my family... Don't know why I'm posting this, think I just want to feel less totally alone 😞

Roger that 😉

I am so sorry for your loss. It has been 8 years since I lost my son. It is such early days for you. There is no pain that is comparable.

No please go on ahead and unload. This thread is for everyone to talk x

The bereavement board on here is a wonderful support for anyone who has lost a loved one.

I’m here. Just made a cup of tea and think I’m going to go start rewatching Miranda. I like Miranda Harr. I think she’s funny.

I’m here because I’ve lived my whole life not really being loved properly and yesterday I had that old lady sort of “Shit. I’ve wasted my life,” sort of feeling.

Not in a position to change anything so I’ll just have to trudge on.

@AuntieMarys i have no words to express how sorry I am for your loss.

@user942557 am i being thick, what/who is G&S?
She has always been like this but it has worsened over the past few years. However she has never accepted that she has a problem. Ever. I'm worried as I don't know whether to talk to her about it. I feel it will be pointless. She holds down a full time job and is 'functioning'. I worry this will kill her someday.

I have hot tea and three chocolate hob-nobs. I lost my dad three months ago and the midnight feast is helping a bit.

@Apolloneuro what a good idea, i love miranda!

I’ve been listening to her recent book on audible.

Sorry I meant Gavin & Stacey.

Sounds like an awful position to be in and I can totally understand why it's keeping you up.
Have you spoken to her, at length, about it before?
It may go in one ear and out the other but it's also about how you feel. Will you feel better if you explain how you're feeling?

I'm sorry.

I know how it feels to have an addict as a parent.

Do you have any siblings or someone close to you you can talk to about it?

@Apolloneuro

That's just awful, Anonymous. The frustration you're experiencing must be immense. And you're pretty helpless really, because you can't make someone give up alcohol. They have to really want to do it, since they usually have to give up completely for life. It must be hellish to have a loved one with alcoholism, and I sympathise hugely. It's not quite the same, but my dad wouldn't look after himself during his cancer treatment, and I could not make him. I didn't know what despair was until I went through that.

I think you should talk to her. Maybe express concern about her liver. You don't have to mention alcoholism. It sounds like if you did, she might get defensive. You could come at it from an age perspective, say that we don't handle alcohol as well as when we're young, and you could also give her some articles about all the latest research which is finding how many cancers are linked to alcohol.

So you could approach it from the angle of even though you know she's fine now, (ha!) look how much healthier she would be without drinking, instead of saying that she has a problem and mentioning the A word. The recent research about alcohol and cancer will help back you up. Say that she's getting older and you want her to be around for a long time, and look what this research says about alcohol and cancer, yikes! You're going to cut back and maybe she should do the same.

@user942557 not really...you have to understand how defensive alcoholics are, how angry they can get at you. I've been shut down anytime I've made a comment, called bitchy/catty... Do I start to come to terms with the fact that she will never change?

I've had to deal with my ex throwing my 17 yo son out last night and being verbally abusive to him to the point he was out alone at midnight, ( he half stays at his dads ) his dad is an abusive arsehole , my son was devastated and in a bad way because of his his dad has been treating him but didn't want to worry me ..
I found him and brought him home picked up the pieces best I could but am in work for 7 had no sleep but have to carry on, I've got an arshole of a team coach who is horrible and I have to deal with her bitchiness everyday and how she's In a click I'm so tired and drained , I want to stay home and look after my son but I can't because I have to go to work , but I'm tired and drained and know he needs me but I can't not go to work, which is so shit I've had hardly any sleep just have to get through today best I can and try and be there for my son best I can as well.

@UniqueOP thank you for your comment but I feel that would go down very badly and she would kick off

The denial and defensiveness is real.

@bluebalou I am so sorry to read what you've had to go through. All i can do is send you love and virtual hugs x

Oh, absolutely, I've been through it with friends many a time.
Acceptance in this circumstance is extremely difficult. It may be easier to not accept but to make peace with it somehow?
The functioning part will be masking it a lot from others.

I have a younger brother but he never talks about feelings (don't ask me to try, he won't) but I know how much this hurts him too. He loves our mum to bits though

I do think you have to distance yourself a bit, for your own sanity. When my dad refused to have nurses come to the house when he was dying, when he refused a stairlift, when he refused rehab, when he refused to wear a panic button, when he refused to drink fluids, when he refused to eat breakfast before showering, preferring instead to faint every morning, I had to accept that he was probably going to come to a sticky end in his own house, via falling or collapsing and lying there helpless, or falling down the stairs.

And there was absolutely not a single bloody thing I could do about it.

People have the right to refuse medical care, the right to drink themselves silly, the right to do all manner of dangerous and self-defeating stuff. It's VERY hard on the onlooking loved ones. The only thing you can do is accept that it's her life to drink away. But you don't have to do nothing. You can gently encourage her to drink less because of her age, make her some non-alcoholic cocktails, challenge her to do a detox with you in the name of a glow-up, any small thing you can think of, so that in the future, you won't feel as if you've done nothing. And maybe some subtle encouragement towards healthier living might eventually seep through to her, you never know.

Oh dear. Sounds as if she knows she has a problem.

If she's intransigent about it, then the only thing you can control is your own feelings about it. Might be worth putting your energy into learning coping skills. Can you afford therapy? If not, there are some great self-help books out there.

I really think this is one instance where you'd be justified in pulling a sickie, if you can't take a day's holiday. Sorry things are so stressful. Your poor son!

Been awake since 3am, watched a film and then bbc news hoping to drop back off but no chance.

Probably anxious about cooking a meal at work tomorrow, wondering it the ham is better in slow cooker (difficult logistics) or if it will be OK in a saucepan and then oven!!! Roll on tomorrow night.

@bluebalou big love through the airways for your boy.