Friend makes no effort for my birthday -what would you do?

[dingalings]

Her birthday is in April and mine is Christmas Eve.
Every year for her birthday we do something nice.
Go away for the night for a shopping trip /a meal out somewhere nice.
Her birthday I took her out for an Italian meal and obviously got her a gift.
For 4 months now I've been saying we will have to sort our Xmas night /day out (which also doubles up as my birthday ) and she kept saying yes I will let you know a date.
Her partner is off work every night so can babysit (she has a 13 year old ).
Anyway it's two weeks for Christmas and she hasn't picked a date so doubt it's happening.
I'm not asking again.
I understand December is busy for people but everyone else seems to manage a meet up or even a November meet.
It will end up being me going into her work and us swapping gifts like last year.

Would you bother asking about it?

I just dismally things for people or we meet for a drink or something, I would feel uncomfortable with the idea of 'i do something big for you i need you to return it' sometimes I do things with people sometimes not

I don't keep track

I don't think that's the case
She has me as a friend and that's it so it's not like she has a lot of things planned.
Also it's her who mentions her birthday and asks what the plan is -

I'd stop bothering with her birthday other than a card and small gift.

Do you go out at other times of year and split the bill?

We meet up but normally just for shopping or lunch but pay for ourselves

That’s sad. It’s nice of you to always do something for her birthday, she should return the favour. If you know she’s basically free can you just propose a plan to her instead? Or suggest some options? What would you like to do with her?

So next time, just tell her "nothing" 🤷‍♀️. Or suggest a meet/trip halfway between your two birthdays and celebrate them both.

If you feel resentful stop making a huge effort for her birthday. If she asks what the plan is say you don’t know, what’s she planning?

If my birthday was Christmas Eve I wouldn’t expect people to be available, but plan something lovely in January to look forward to.

It sounds like she isn’t great at planning.

Can you ask her “To celebrate my birthday I want to go to Y for dinner and drinks on x night, can you make it?”

Can you suggest a specific date and ask if she is free for whatever you want to do? It's such a busy time of year unfortunately.

Why not just ask if she's free on X or Y dates and book something?

if you’re supposed to be best friends , not meeting up for Christmas is quite unusual anyway - is she very busy at this time of year? Or broke?

I agree with the previous poster saying maybe make one date for both of you in the middle? Then you don’t miss out.

If you can’t make a date in the middle, going forward, with the friend’s birthday in April, just say Easter is a huge deal to celebrate and you don’t have time to catch up that month at all- slammed before and after the long weekend. See if she steps out of her self-importance and starts proactively being a friend in this relationship.

She's deffo not broke
I have said are you free on such dates and her response is I will check with "partner " and get back to you
She never gets back to me
After asking 3 times I don't want to keep annoying her so have just waited.
It's her daughters birthday tomorrow and I'm drop the gift at her work place

Maybe for her bday you could say when she asks. Let’s plan someone for both our birthdays seeing as you missed mine.

Don’t leave the gift tomorrow. Leave her to think about this one way friendship. She’s hard faced enough to ask what you’re doing for her birthday but has flaked for yours. Stop being a doormat and allowing her to make you feel insignificant. Birthdays do occur near Christmas as she well knows and she should make the time and effort for you if she values you.

Sorry to say it, but with everything going on this time of year, you're obviously not her priority. I'd understand if she doesn't want to go out on your actually birthday as she may want family time, planning a night out/treat even this week or say we'll do it in the New Year would have been nice. Moving forward, if the same happens this year, keep it low key for her birthday in April.

One thing I wouldn't do is go to her work to drop off her present. Keep it at yours and see if she drops by to exchange.

Don’t chase her again and DO NOT go to her work to pick up your gift like you have done previously! If she can’t even be bothered to make the effort to drop it off to you just say “don’t worry, hang on to it until I next see you”.
Next year for her birthday when she asks what the plan is respond “oh I thought we were stopping the trips away/special treats as we havent done anything for my birthday for the last few years. Happy to catch up for a drink if you want.”

Why put so much effort in when you are getting nothing in return

You are making far too much effort and she really doesn't deserve it. Don't take her present into her work! Keep it in your house and if she comes round for it that's great. If she wants to go out with you that's great. Don't go to too much effort for her because she is not prepared to do the same back.

Yeah I'm deffo not going to bother chasing after her.
I drove 20 mins to pick up a gift for a her child as she told me that's what they wanted
I doubt she would do same for me

Next year don't do anything for her birthday not even a present. Just say your busy.

OP, stand back and take an objective look at this. You’re going to considerable lengths for her birthday and her daughter’s birthday, while resenting the hell out of it because you expect reciprocation and aren’t getting it. Just stop rushing around giving her presents and arranging meals or trips away, if it’s not something you want to do without reciprocation. You can only change your own behaviour here.

If I were you, I won't make an effort for her birthday either.😑

She's messaged today saying she can't do food or drinks as she has no time but has a hour if I want to go to home bargains and exchange gifts ........

That doesn’t work for you, right??

In January, send her a text to say ‘let’s skip birthdays next year and just do a night out half way beteeen yours in April and mine in December.’

Say. Saturday for lunch ok? Be specific. Its a really busy time fir everyone so a lunch may be better than an evening