Friend makes no effort for my birthday -what would you do?

[dingalings]

Her birthday is in April and mine is Christmas Eve.
Every year for her birthday we do something nice.
Go away for the night for a shopping trip /a meal out somewhere nice.
Her birthday I took her out for an Italian meal and obviously got her a gift.
For 4 months now I've been saying we will have to sort our Xmas night /day out (which also doubles up as my birthday ) and she kept saying yes I will let you know a date.
Her partner is off work every night so can babysit (she has a 13 year old ).
Anyway it's two weeks for Christmas and she hasn't picked a date so doubt it's happening.
I'm not asking again.
I understand December is busy for people but everyone else seems to manage a meet up or even a November meet.
It will end up being me going into her work and us swapping gifts like last year.

Would you bother asking about it?

Say lets do brunch

I said can we do lunch she said no
No time to sit down
Can only do a hour home bargains trip
She hasn't had a look around this year so would love to go.

Yes, do this!

You're her only friend, yet she treats you like this?

Definitely don't go to Home Bargains! Do as other PP's have said and offer a night out between your birthdays to celebrate both.

Definitely stop pandering to her birthday if she refuses to do anything for yours, otherwise you’re being a mug quite frankly! A good suggestion / compromise above to plan something midway between the two, say in February. Otherwise, if you get to April and she has the front to ask what you’re doing for hers, say “Same as we did for mine!” (ie. Zilch) and mean it! Don’t be suckered into this keep happening every year.

Stop making all the effort and leave her be. Make this the last time you do anything for her birthday. She clearly is not worth your time. New year, new you. Otherwise, she will keep treating you like this.

She’s not a true friend OP. If she was she’d either have made plans in advance knowing it’s a busy time of year, or she would be making an effort to let you know that whilst she just doesn’t have the time this month, she’s really keen to celebrate your birthday in the new year and follow it up with firm plans. I wouldn’t respond to her message offering you scraps, it’s demeaning.

Say no to home bargains.
Return the gifts and get a refund.
If you can't return them, keep them until you meet for a birthday celebration that you are happy with.

And just to remind you, we all have the same 24 hours in a day- her "too busy" means "that's not a priority, I'd rather spend my time doing other things".

I would say:

’No problem, I understand it’s a busy time of year. I don’t have time to make the shops, but why don’t we arrange something in January and we can celebrate my birthday and swap gifts then’.

She does sound a bit rubbish, but it’s such a busy time of year. I’ve tried to make plans with friends and we are having to resort to January too.

Don't go to Home Bargains with her, you'll just feel like you are tagging along. And don't go to her workplace either. Sorry OP, you sound like a lovely friend, but it's time to step away from making so much effort for this person.

I'd just stop doing anything for her birthday.

Good idea. I would also add “because my birthday keeps being forgotten 😭”

Bollocks to that, I'd say no. She can come by your house and collect gifts if she likes (or not get them at all, just don't say that part). If you don't want to just drop her entirely (which means you don't need to do anything for her bday either) then I might one last time say 'as it's so busy in December shall we make a date in January to celebrate my birthday? Let me know what you think/when suits you' and leave it there. Make it very clearly separate from Christmas presents and plans, and if she CBA to do anything then you know where you stand.

’Sorry, that’s not my idea of a good time!’

There's a big imbalance in this friendship, you giving and her taking but not reciprocating. It's obviously causing you some resentment now.

You can't make her care more about you but you can control your over giving. If you don't want to end the friendship, you can even it up by matching her energy. Don't make a fuss of her birthday and every time she requests something ask yourself would she do it for you? If not don't do it.

I think you need to accept that you are more invested in this relationship than she is and is it worth the cost to your self esteem?

That would annoy me, she’s happy to be taken for lunch and treated but don’t do the same for you. I have a friend like that. Last year I didn’t get so much as a text wishing me a happy birthday.

So I just thought feck it. Her birthday rolls around, partner took me out for dinner etc for my birthday (mine is right after Christmas so we waited a while) and she wanted to do something for her birthday (end of same month) I think no one else had bothered either. And she kicked off. So I phoned her and said that perhaps if she’d even wished me a happy birthday i might have been more inclined to want to arrange something but i was quite hurt that because i am not on Facebook etc anymore she doesn’t get reminded. You’d think after 20 years of friendship you’d know the date of your friends birthday without Facebook, clearly not. So I’ve withdrawn from her quite a bit this year and she whinges and gets on at me, I’m a single parent, I work and have a child with complex Sen and I can’t be bothered being the friend she asks when no one else is available. When I am she’s ‘busy’ so I ask her to plan in advance with me when my son is with his dad. Nope. It’s not a very nice feeling being the back up friend. Don’t make anymore effort see what happens,

2 options :

Tell her that you're really sad about it and you want to do something (you already said she brings up her birthday, so no probs you doing the same)

Get over it and work out a different way to celebrate.

You're over thinking it. Just be honest.

Sorry, i would tell her to stick her home bargains up her backside. What a cheek. Not worth the effort, your birthday means nothing to her.

OP - do not meet your friend in home bargains. That is not a way for her to present you your gift and celebrate your birthday. Also do not go to her work to give her the daughters gift.
the PP’s advice about telling your friend that you are sad about it and want to celebrate your birthday is a good one.
even though your birthday is in December she knows this and has ample time to arrange a date/ save money for it etc. she expects the same from you for her birthday.

Next year just exchange cards and do a joint birthday meal between your birthdays.

im sorry the effort you put into your relationship isn’t reciprocated.

I’d say to her “Oh sorry Home bargains isn’t really my idea of a good birthday celebration so I’ll leave it but now I know you think it is we’ll do that for your next birthday”

If she can do an hour in Home Bargains she could do an hour for lunch somewhere nice.

So what you ended up doing OP?

You're running around buying her birthday meals and shopping for her daughter and delivering presents... and she's doing absolutely nothing back.

Just drop the whole gift giving thing.

Mirror her efforts when it comes to her birthday.

I am afraid that December and January are bad times for birthdays as everyone is already celebrated out.

Being perfectly frank, most adult friends I know don’t celebrate each other’s birthdays.

She’s obviously got pretty used to you making a masssive fuss of her birthday. Just stop.

It may well be that the majority of other adults she knows don’t do more than send a text for her birthday (if that) to each other so it’s not particularly that she’s missing you out.