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Original poster

I don’t know how to deal with this without it coming out as an ultimatum

78 replies

TheThrowawayName · 09/12/2024 06:37

TLDR - mum has kept a convicted criminal in her life and won’t stop mentioning him and I can’t cope. How do I navigate it?

Mum’s partner was charged and convicted of a serious offence. He is not the parent of me or my sibling and came into her life later. It’s a crime that means I don’t want him around my kids any more.

At first, mum said she was leaving him and that the relationship was over. But now he’s edging back into her life. I have said very clearly that, while I understand that who she has in her life is her choice, I don’t want to have him in mine. I don’t even want to hear his name.

But she keeps mentioning him. Just in passing. When I ask her to stop she says that he’s her friend and pretending he’s not is too hard for her.

Thing is, whenever I hear his name it whisks me back to conversations with police and social workers and reminds me of the children harmed by his choices. My H and I agree that we do not want him in our lives in any way, even mention it’s. What he did just overwhelms everything.

I need to be firm with mum. But if she refuses to stop what can I do. I don’t want it to be an ultimatum but I can’t see another way though it without saying that if she can’t resist talking about him then I can’t be around her. That she’s made her choice.

I get that she’s scared to be in her own. She’s in her 70’s and hasn’t faced the world without a partner since her early twenties. But I can’t really understand her decision to keep him in her life. She says he’s a friend, but I can see over time it’ll settle back to how it was before. He told her he was suicidal after conviction which is what persuaded her to stay.

As far as I can see everything is fucked. Either I put up with it, which I can’t, because I’m sickened. Or I don’t see my mum because she won’t change, which is awful as we otherwise liver her tomojeces. Or I push her to leave him properly and she resents me.

I can’t win. And I hate him for it.

ETA: My brother feels the same way he’s going to talk to her as he lives with her right now after a relationship breakdown. But he’s worried about it too.

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 09/12/2024 06:41

It’s ultimatum time, but you could first repeat one of his impacts every time she mentions him. ‘Every time you say his name I can’t help but think of that 7yo and how that could have been one of my children if I’d trusted your judgment. I have to go now.’

TammyJones · 09/12/2024 06:41

Did he admit to the charges?

NC10125 · 09/12/2024 06:45

I think that she’s being a bit unreasonable here and that you need to put your foot down about the mentioning.

Geographically are you close? If so you could try hanging up/leaving every time she does it. “I’m feeling a bit sick, going to head home now” each and every time.

Or you could try talking about his conviction each time. Is that Geoff who did x, y, z mum? Each time she mentions him.

Im sure you’ve thought this already but please don’t leave your children unsupervised with her even at your house. If she isn’t able to stop mentioning his name in conversation, she won’t be able to refuse him entry if he turns up while she’s babysitting.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

OrsolaRosso · 09/12/2024 06:45

Is he allowed to be around your children? Is he a danger to them?

fghbvh · 09/12/2024 06:47

TammyJones · 09/12/2024 06:41

Did he admit to the charges?

How is that relevant? He was convicted.

romdowa · 09/12/2024 06:51

I think an ultimatum would be entirely reasonable in this situation. I couldn't be around someone who would socialise with a person who had committed such crimes.

Calmhappyandhealthy · 09/12/2024 06:52

Codlingmoths · 09/12/2024 06:41

I think this ^

It's not an ultimatum, but I imagine it is a situation that your Mum won't want to think about so it might ACT as an ultimatum (and hopefully she will stop mentioning him)

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 09/12/2024 06:53

one thing I noticed in your post is you are unable to say “he’s is a convicted pedophile”
i find that weird.

maybe do the toddler behaviour management approach. Action-> consequence

”I’ve asked you not to do this. He is a convicted pedophile and a disgust individual. I want nothing to do with him and you know I’ve asked you not to mention it. We are leaving now”

leave her house, ask her to leave your. Leave the coffee shop whatever. Just leave

let her be upset.
say it’s her choice. She needs to show basic respect for your choices

Billybagpuss · 09/12/2024 06:57

Yes next time you see her be firm. Mum I’ve asked you not to mention x in our company but you seem unable not to. This is not something I’m willing to compromise on, I love you and will continue to pop in and see you but every time you mention him we will leave regardless of whether we are in the middle of dinner.

Original poster

TheThrowawayName · 09/12/2024 07:00

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower i can and have said it out loud. But associating my mother with forgiving someone who has done that is proving really difficult.

to answer some questions. She lives about an hour away. No my kids won’t be near him ever again and my mum is respecting the fact that I don’t even want him mentioned around them so far.

yes he did plead guilty on solicitors advice.

She wants to live nearer me. My biggest worry about her doing that when we haven’t dealt with this issue is he’ll end up around the area too. And I don’t want to see him ever again or for him to be near my kids or the kids we know. (Well any kids at all tbh, but he has to live somewhere.)

OP posts:

Original poster

TheThrowawayName · 09/12/2024 07:01

@Codlingmoths @Billybagpuss I have been trying this but I could be firmer and will be.

I hate this all so much

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 09/12/2024 07:12

Given her choices and current behaviour I’d go beyond ‘no unsupervised access’ wouldn’t want her to see your DC at all, or even receive pictures or be told news of them, as would fear she would talk about the DC to him. So it’d be an ultimatum.

Guest100 · 09/12/2024 07:16

I would issue a set of rules she has to comply with.

If he comes near the kids you will contact the police.
The kids won’t be left alone with her, because she clearly cannot be trusted.
You won’t be going to her house.
She can’t have or take any photos of your kids.

No second chances, if she breaks a rule she can’t see the kids again (or whatever you feel you want to do). If she mentions him you could ask her to leave, or as a previous poster suggested ask her how the child that he hurt is doing?

You might want to talk to the kids about the situation and in an age appropriate way. Make sure they know who he is and that he isn’t safe. And to not allow their grandma to take photos of them.

Loopytiles · 09/12/2024 07:19

Photos aren’t the only risk. OP’s mum could well mention DC to her friend/boyfriend, their school, activities, news and so on. I’d not want to take that risk so, due to her actions, it’d sadly be no contact with or news about the DC.

yukikata · 09/12/2024 07:23

I understand that hearing about him is difficult for you, but I also think it's a bit unreasonable to expect her to change her behaviour around mentioning him.

She obviously cares about him and wants him in her life and that is part of her at the moment, as much as you might dislike it.

Is it also worth considering that there might be some risk of harm to her, and maybe you need to be in the loop about what is going on, so you can keep an eye on things? Silencing her could be risky for her, too.

It's completely reasonable to not want to see him or want anything to do with him but trying to silence your mum is a bit controlling.

You can tell her you don't like hearing about him and hope that she will take that on board, and stop seeing her as much if she doesn't.

But I think saying "You can't ever mention that name in my presence" is controlling and she will only get her heckles up.

You need to explain why and the impact it has on you, and hope that she cares - and if she doesn't, distance a little bit.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 09/12/2024 07:24

@TheThrowawayName
i can see why it’s hard from that POV.

i think you do need to clearly articulate/ “name” the problem out loud and leave each time.
Even if it means cutting off the day and driving an hour for either you or her.

Loopytiles · 09/12/2024 07:28

It’s not ‘controlling’ not to want to hear about a paedophile.

Original poster

TheThrowawayName · 09/12/2024 07:31

Thanks for an alternative view too @yukikata. I really don’t want to isolate her. She’s my mum and I love her. But you’re right, honesty and distance is an option.

I’ve pretty much stopped sharing photos now as it was an images possession charge. Some really serious. It’s rattled me.

Clear comms is going to be important, you’re right @LivingLaVidaBabyShower usually I am the queen of communication and articulating my mind. But this has bought out an emotional and physical response I wouldn’t have anticipated! I’ll consider what I want to say to be clear and firm, but fair to her too.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheThrowawayName · 09/12/2024 07:31

If I am clear and consistent and she still doesn’t listen. I know I’ve done my best to offer her an opportunity to work it out.

OP posts:

Worried8263839 · 09/12/2024 07:35

Does she believe he is guilty? The fact he pleaded guilty at his solicitor's advice always suggests to me so wiggle room for people to claim some innocence as they only pleaded guilty because the evidence was such that it would mean a prison sentence and so pleading guilty would reduce the time. Image based offending often allows for denial by accessing the images 'accidentally' which, of course, is complete rubbish. If your mum is of any belief he didn't intend to do this then that could be why she is wanting to continue contact. Has she had disclosure of his offending?

needsomewarmsunshine · 09/12/2024 07:36

My mum was like this with step'father', She just stuck her head in the sand and denied any wrong doing on this part although it was obvious. She was scared of being on her own.

Original poster

TheThrowawayName · 09/12/2024 07:38

@Worried8263839 he maintains it was accidental and he was caught up in something bigger. The sentencing confirms he had possession of hundreds of images neatly filed away on external storage that he could hide. She knows it’s true in one sense, but I think she’s built a psychological wall as she’s scared of being on her own.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheThrowawayName · 09/12/2024 07:39

needsomewarmsunshine · 09/12/2024 07:36

My mum was like this with step'father', She just stuck her head in the sand and denied any wrong doing on this part although it was obvious. She was scared of being on her own.

How did you deal with it if you don’t mind me asking? That sounds familiar. I’m sorry you’ve been there too.

OP posts:

notatinydancer · 09/12/2024 07:41

@yukikata he's a convicted paedophile , would you want to hear your mother mentioning him ??

DoreenonTill8 · 09/12/2024 07:43

Loopytiles · 09/12/2024 07:28

It’s not ‘controlling’ not to want to hear about a paedophile.

Absolutely! @yukikata you'd honestly say 'oh do tell me how Phil is getting on! I love hearing how's he's getting on so well out of prison and you have this wonderful relationship!' Oh behave!!

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