I don’t know how to deal with this without it coming out as an ultimatum

[TheThrowawayName]

TLDR - mum has kept a convicted criminal in her life and won’t stop mentioning him and I can’t cope. How do I navigate it?

Mum’s partner was charged and convicted of a serious offence. He is not the parent of me or my sibling and came into her life later. It’s a crime that means I don’t want him around my kids any more.

At first, mum said she was leaving him and that the relationship was over. But now he’s edging back into her life. I have said very clearly that, while I understand that who she has in her life is her choice, I don’t want to have him in mine. I don’t even want to hear his name.

But she keeps mentioning him. Just in passing. When I ask her to stop she says that he’s her friend and pretending he’s not is too hard for her.

Thing is, whenever I hear his name it whisks me back to conversations with police and social workers and reminds me of the children harmed by his choices. My H and I agree that we do not want him in our lives in any way, even mention it’s. What he did just overwhelms everything.

I need to be firm with mum. But if she refuses to stop what can I do. I don’t want it to be an ultimatum but I can’t see another way though it without saying that if she can’t resist talking about him then I can’t be around her. That she’s made her choice.

I get that she’s scared to be in her own. She’s in her 70’s and hasn’t faced the world without a partner since her early twenties. But I can’t really understand her decision to keep him in her life. She says he’s a friend, but I can see over time it’ll settle back to how it was before. He told her he was suicidal after conviction which is what persuaded her to stay.

As far as I can see everything is fucked. Either I put up with it, which I can’t, because I’m sickened. Or I don’t see my mum because she won’t change, which is awful as we otherwise liver her tomojeces. Or I push her to leave him properly and she resents me.

I can’t win. And I hate him for it.

ETA: My brother feels the same way he’s going to talk to her as he lives with her right now after a relationship breakdown. But he’s worried about it too.

I would have to go for some tough love in this case. I know she is your Mom but I couldn’t associate with anyone that is willing to accept what this man did, like you said - it could have been your child! You need to come down on your Mom hard, she needs a reality check.

Oh gosh how horrible. I'm sorry but for me it would be a case of telling your Mum to choose between her family or him, I just wouldn't be able to accept that in any shape or form and if she can't then I would have to cut contact for a while. I know that's not everyone's stance but I just couldn't accept someone like that in my mother's life, I don't really get how she can't see that, apart from as you said she's scared to be lonely. But she has your brother for now so she shouldn't be lonely. What an awful situation for you to have to deal with.

You have to make it real to her and cut through the bullshit denial

Mum remember you said He felt suicidal when he was caught… I wonder how suicidal ALL of the abused children feel every day since they were abused? How suicidal the parents of those children feel?

He helped ruin all those 100’s of lives. All of those babies who wake up every day knowing there are images out there of what sick people did to them … and men like him who look at them.

so If you choose to stay ‘friends’ with him then you cant be be in my life too. This isn’t a discussion it’s me telling you how strongly I feel and how I must protect myself and my family

its up to her… but I don’t think you can use niceties you have to be blunt as to exactly why you can’t accept it