I don’t know how to deal with this without it coming out as an ultimatum

[TheThrowawayName]

TLDR - mum has kept a convicted criminal in her life and won’t stop mentioning him and I can’t cope. How do I navigate it?

Mum’s partner was charged and convicted of a serious offence. He is not the parent of me or my sibling and came into her life later. It’s a crime that means I don’t want him around my kids any more.

At first, mum said she was leaving him and that the relationship was over. But now he’s edging back into her life. I have said very clearly that, while I understand that who she has in her life is her choice, I don’t want to have him in mine. I don’t even want to hear his name.

But she keeps mentioning him. Just in passing. When I ask her to stop she says that he’s her friend and pretending he’s not is too hard for her.

Thing is, whenever I hear his name it whisks me back to conversations with police and social workers and reminds me of the children harmed by his choices. My H and I agree that we do not want him in our lives in any way, even mention it’s. What he did just overwhelms everything.

I need to be firm with mum. But if she refuses to stop what can I do. I don’t want it to be an ultimatum but I can’t see another way though it without saying that if she can’t resist talking about him then I can’t be around her. That she’s made her choice.

I get that she’s scared to be in her own. She’s in her 70’s and hasn’t faced the world without a partner since her early twenties. But I can’t really understand her decision to keep him in her life. She says he’s a friend, but I can see over time it’ll settle back to how it was before. He told her he was suicidal after conviction which is what persuaded her to stay.

As far as I can see everything is fucked. Either I put up with it, which I can’t, because I’m sickened. Or I don’t see my mum because she won’t change, which is awful as we otherwise liver her tomojeces. Or I push her to leave him properly and she resents me.

I can’t win. And I hate him for it.

ETA: My brother feels the same way he’s going to talk to her as he lives with her right now after a relationship breakdown. But he’s worried about it too.

You say she's afraid of being alone, but what are you doing to help with that?

You live an hour away which she obviously feels is too far if she is seeking to move closer to you.

Unless you can be there for her then of course she is going to seek companionship from the only person who will offer it, no matter how unsuitable they are. The only way to get her out of this situation is to replace him in her mind, be there for her as much as he is. Then once she is free of his mind control you can help her foster a less codependent relationship style.

They often target women with access to young kids, so if the contact was broken you might find he goes and finds someone else to be friends with.

Your mum really needs to ask herself why she is not disgusted by this to be honest.

Oh please, she's currently living with her son, she's not alone and helpless. And a decent grandparent would rather be alone than bring a pedophile into the family circle, it's not as though there aren't a lot of other people in the world to chose from.

I agree with this.

She is choosing to ignore the awfulness that is her ‘friend’. Best I can tell, most of us would struggle to forgive and forget where a paedophile is concerned. Loneliness is being weaponised here , it’s not an excuse.

i think there have been sensible posts , suggesting being more direct with your mum and pulling her up every time she mentions this man; holding fast on pictures and contact with children. In fact if she does decide to move closer , I would be giving her that ultimatum, and I would mean it.

Having worked with many women who were subjected to sexual abuse as children through voluntary work no way would I tolerate this. The outcomes for some survivors is bleak with ongoing MH issues.

You cannot trust your Mother at all unfortunately. In fact apologists like your Mother do a lot of harm. Every year on MN there are posts from concerned women like yourself who have a suspected or convicted paedophile in their family or friendship circle where they are still accepted and they are the ones deemed difficult because they protest.

I had a very big row with my MIL about a convicted criminal, SIL BF, not child sex abuse but an awful violent crime. Apparently it’s not his fault as he has a parent that is an alcoholic. Thing is I grew up with a violent alcoholic stepfather and appear to have managed to never attack someone so violently they are disabled for life which is what this guy did. I have never met him and neither did DS, I refused. It’s the kind of reason I am deemed incredibly awkward. He also hit SIL and possibly killed a pet but no I’m the awkward one.

Give her that ultimatum and be that awkward person. I can’t stand apologists for violence.

There’s a woman on here somewhere in the same position as you, however she’s the only one in her family holding firm and her mum is now very ill.

You really need to repeatedly make it explicit that he is dangerous to children.
That by associating with him she’s missing out on a proper relationship with her grandchildren.
That she is a danger to children herself if she can’t recognise that.

Could you ring one of the helplines associated with this and ask if they would talk to her? If they agree, you could get her have the conversation with them, and their experience may help her understand the reality of it.

And maybe bring it up all the time when she doesn’t, so he is firmly in the category of the other nasty men- Another bloody pedo in the news! Those men are so manipulative! Etc.

I think if someone is associating with someone who goes completely against your morals because they have harmed other people, it's perfectly reasonable to say you need a period of no contact because you aren't willing to associate with people who are friends with (whatever crime committed), it says something about your mother if she thinks what he has done is ok and I would want major distance from her because of that.

Pretty typical unfortunately. Is he on a community based sentence or in prison?

@Worried8263839 it was a suspended prison sentence, on the register, and mandatory rehab work. So no actual time in prison.

Men like this are manipulative. Convincing, lying, and evil.

She needs to choose. Does she want a relationship with her daughter and grandkids OR
Does she want a relationship with him.

She cannot have both. However careful you are, by allowing contact with your mother you would be placing your children at risk if he is still in her life.

That gives a bit more confidence that he doesn't have any previous convictions for similar, but not a certainty. With this type of offending as well, it can take place for years and years before being found!

As some others have commented, it's an incredible shame your mum might be sacrificing her relationship with you and her grandchildren for this man. However, I would have serious concerns going forward about any contact until such time she really understands the risks. I would strongly encourage her to complete a 'Sarah's law' application to Police for a full disclosure of his offending and risks. If she doesn't take this on board and see that he is in fact a risk to children then she is making that decision unfortunately, not you. He will also have an allocated probation officer who can do the disclosure jointly with police which can be really helpful. Whether she will do this is another thing altogether!

FFS ficklebricks. Your post is shocking.

Of course not, but I also wouldn't want to distance myself from my mother if she was dating someone who is obviously dangerous. She's vulnerable too and I wouldn't want to push her away. It's a very difficult situation and more complicated than shutting her down.

Of course not. Please don't put words into my mouth.

I just don't think you can demand that someone doesn't even mention someone's name and not expect any kind of reaction to that on their part.

I think that OP's mum is also potentially vulnerable here.

It's up to OP how she wants to deal with that but isolating her mum could also potentially cause problems and it's very extreme to say that even hearing someone's name is such a massive problem.

If OP doesn't want to see her mum then that's fine. But I think there's a balance to be struck which also protects mum a little bit.

The problem is that being even linked with their grandmother means that the man will have a line through to the kids.

'The man they can't talk about' is enough to generate inquisitiveness in kids and with access to the internet, they are much more likely to be able to find out who this mystery man is. They don't have a concept of what happened and it is well known that paedophiles 'warm up' people with access to kids and kids themselves so even if they don't get the advantage of the contact someone else, many years down the line, might.

You have to have a hard line. And a sentence being suspended means nothing, with so many with convicted paedophiles being given suspended sentences these days.

You seem to be unable to understand why any adult would accept mentioning their child abusing, paedophile friend, really?

Seriously forget head wobble check it's attached!

Talk about minimising the impact on any parent in the this shit show. The mental bloody torture and trying to balance your mum and her acceptance of this horrific excuse for a human being.

Can you find out more details using Sara’s law ? May help to have police evidence and more details

can you help her with dating and meeting other nice people maybe dating app

What 'problems' do you see that aren't down to the behaviours of this man, and the dm who is happy to have contact with him?
The mum won't be 'isolated' if she puts her grandchildrens safety over him, but she doesn't want to do that.

It's a complex situation. I'm not 'unable to understand' at all. I'm simply pointing out that shutting down the mother in this scenario also distances her and puts her at risk.

I know this subject brings out strong feelings (really difficult ones too) but @yukikata is right that I’m also concerned for my mum. im glad this point of view is being discussed as these are the conflicts I am having.

This is why this is hard. I just can’t see a way to balance both things and protect mum too if she’s insisting on maintaining a connection with him. Ultimately I think I need to be very honest with her, and talking with you all is helping, that I want to be there for her and be in her life to support her, but I can’t if he’s part of it too. And that however much I love her I need to put my family, my kids, and my sanity first.

Yes exactly @TheThrowawayName I think it's really important to just be honest with your mum about your feelings. At the end of the day you do have to prioritise your children, but if there's a way to still be there for your mum, that's the ideal - even if it does mean having to compromise on occasionally hearing his name.

I have been through something extremely similar with my husband's side of the family.

I think it is common for people to carry on as if nothing has happened, or to minimise the conviction. I went on a support website for families of paedophiles and it was full of women forgiving, making excuses etc.

What your mum is doing is strangely and sadly normal I think.

For me, I do not allow his name to be mentioned. We do it go to his house and his wife is not allowed and photos etc of our child. It's hard and horrible.

@fghbvh it saddens me to think that there isn’t even a social consequence for many of these men. If so many carry on as normal and their sentences are suspended, they must just get to continue life. I am sorry you are having to deal with this stuff too.

As a PP said, I am being made to feel like the difficult one.

I agree with @Codlingmoths I think if every time she mentions him you follow on with what he did, she’ll soon stop.

My FIL was in prison for a year. But he came home to normality. It sickens me.
But it is easier for me as it isn't my direct family. I can cut the all off - my husband has not found it so easy.