Fed up of being treated like I am worthless and a drain on society because I don't work

[elliejjtiny]

Dh works. He used to have a well paid job but he took a pay cut so he could be more flexible for the dc who have SEN and multiple hospital appointments. I am carer to 10 year old ds who has autism and emotional development delay. He is considered "high functioning" but he receives high rate dla and he is in mainstream school with part time 1-1. This is going to be increased to full time 1-1 when he starts secondary school. In a lot of ways he is like a very intelligent toddler, especially with maths.

PIL came round today. They provide regular childcare for SIL's dc but have looked after my son probably about 5 times in the last 10 years. And never for very long. Because he is difficult. That's fine by me. But then they criticise me for not working. It's not just me,( actually they moan about me a lot less these days because they know I will argue with them and point out that they won't look after ds, school struggle with him so how am I supposed to work) , they go on and on about "people on benefits" and they assume things that are just not true like they think everyone on universal credit gets free holidays and they say the benefit system is more than generous and that people should stop moaning and get a job. Fil has been telling me with glee that one day ds won't need me to care for him and I will have to get a job. To me that's like telling a blind person that one day they will be able to see and they will have to give up their white stick. I would be more than happy to work if ds didn't need me to look after him.

I know sil thinks I should be working (although how, I have no idea) and every so often I keep thinking that maybe other people think this too. I've always said that when ds sleeps through the night I will try and go back to work part time but that hasn't happened yet.

It's almost impossible to get a school time job unless it's something like dinner lady. Even a ta needs to be at school early and leave a little late so how does she pick her kid up? Not to mention all the other parents desperate to get school time jobs.

Her husband has a job too so not sure why people have jumped on to imply they're a family of lazy bums? When fifty years ago it was common for just the dad to work anyway.

But it's not full time, all those appointments.

Totally agree. The term “high functioning” is inherently ableist and damaging. I was diagnosed very late with autism and on the surface I appear to be what would have once been called “high functioning” yet there’s not an aspect of my life unaffected by being autistic - and my difficulties aren’t always acknowledged because I appear to cope.
Labelling our kids as “high functioning “
does them such a disservice.

@elliejjtiny thank you for exposing just how many don't get it. I watched family members for decades have judgement.

Needless to say the same individuals were unable to help out because they weren't trained🙄, hilarious the idea parents are taken off and trained!

It has helped show why SEN provision and accessibility is so dire. This highlights a huge gap in peoples knowledge and frightening some who may be involved in making decisions impacting services to families.

What happened to us? - I'm so sad that women (mainly at least) are judging or 'outdoing' each other here - and actively ignoring the OP actual dilemma. All mothers know how hard caring is, all humans should mostly have capacity for empathy or understanding- yet here we are being horrible to each other.
I'd like to know what benefit any of us here would have from OP/similar working - glad she's suffering and her family is struggling? Is that our ambition for our fellow women or citizens? If anyone is seriously worried unpaid carers are crashing the U.K. economy I think we need to look elsewhere first and secondly wonder exactly what sort of society we want to live in. This thread actually demonstrates why I'm unconvinced about legalising euthanasia tbh.
OP - I've cared for a low level needs child and later elderly parents - the stress around working alongside is not only significant to you but benefits no one else - not the cared for nor the employer. Your ILs are bigoted and probably not over hard working themselves (IME of similar) - but of a left field suggestion but a friend who got tired of hearing about 'all those school holidays' started saying 'I know, it's great, why don't you become a teacher?' I'd probably be clearly offensive if I was trying to get the words out in your position but might be worth a one off shot? I think it's pointless now re-explaining to them but you can definitely discuss their comments in your home - it's rude if nothing else - hopefully they'd stop visiting and anyone wishing to see them could visit them.
All the best OP - sounds you're doing a great job in your own little family - all of you.

OMG this! Some of the replies on this thread make me want to weep. Not a shred of understanding or compassion.

It's definitely not almost impossible, I've always managed it as a lone parent, you just need to look hard. My current workplace allows school hours working and it's a massive international business although I work full time now as my DS is an older teen.

OP needs to do what's right for her however, I wouldn't judge her at all for choosing not to work but a school hours job is not impossible to get (depending on where you live though).

If they are if no support to you why have contact or see them? All sound like pitas-are there any groups of carers for adults/children or other family where you can meet up and socialise - you need to get out and family won’t help.

Exactly!

Well I didn't say impossible I said almost impossible. And exactly where you live is a big deal easier said when you live in a city.

Someone mentioned being a TA as if it's that simple I was a TA for a while and I was late every day because of dropping my own children at school thats why they let me go.

The ops child is also disabled and doesn't sleep at night so even harder for her and then there's people acting like she's lazy and claiming benefits even though her husband works and fifty years ago no one would of batted an eyelid if just the husband worked

And what about the half terms, Christmas, Easter, inset days, the random ha;f days they throw in, last year there were strike days etc. If your chid can't go in wrap around chid care you are extremely limited on when you can actually work let alone the stress of a very difficult child who doesn't sleep through.

If were honest it sounds like you could realistically get a part time job a couple of hours a day - but you don't want to.

Your eldest children don't need support (from what you've indicated so far) you just want to spend some time with them.
You spend your days currently catching up on house work (i have to do that at a weekend like most people) and planning appointments (could be done around working a few hours a day)

Realistically - you could work if you were actually being honest. So that's probably why people get annoyed.

But why does she need to work? Why does it matter? Why is it that it’s seen as something you must do once your kids are in school? I don’t work. Don’t have a SEN child, my dh provides, why does it matter to anyone else what I do? What does it matter to anyone else what OP does? She doesn’t need excuses. Her choices are hers not anyone else’s.

Sorry for all the shit you're getting here OP. Mumsnet is not the place to post about working any less than FT (maybe 0.8 if you have small children). I totally get why you can't work at the moment. To answer your original OP, I think have some stock responses for your ILs and try to build up your internal validation (as parts of this thread show - you're sadly unlikely to get much external validation). You know why you've made the choices you've made, and you know if they're working for you and your family. That's all you need.

Absolutely, I think a lot of these posters and the PILs need to thank their lucky stars that they are not in OPs position. Having a child with additional needs is a full time job in itself. The stress and worry she must feel every day must be overwhelming. And to have these d*heads top it all off by telling her she needs to get a job. OP you are doing a wonderful job and your dc is so lucky to have you 🥰 Just completely ignore your PILs and the rude posters here. You don't need to work just to suit them. Your dcs are your number one priority in life. A job can't come close to that.

All of the above! I have a disabled child and I don't work I'm also a single parent my son also eats poorly and gets sick frequently we are going through DLA renewal at the moment and I'm worried sick if they cut his award down and I will have to work on three hours sleep with zero childcare (he is in secondary) while I fight DLA for money he needs because his disability not only effects his life it effects mine every aspect of it

Plus I help care for my dad because you know I'm not working so it falls on fucking me

Possibly because he wants to be involved in their care and medical needs. OP mentioned upthread that he does the same hours but is now freelance. Having to work while your child is in intensive care would have been awful so he’s found a solution for future crises. Men really can’t win on MN can they.

Exactly this her husband works so it's not like people can pull the old taxpayers card. Fifty years ago mother's were judged FOR working now it's the other way round.

I mean whatever you think about that, try to have some sympathy in this situation the ops child is disabled and doesn't sleep. It's not a life anyone asks for

Jesus! MN has turned foul since I left! 😡
Anyone who has ever filled out a DLA form, and still chooses to shit on the OP, should be ashamed of themselves! You KNOW how you have to minutely dissect every inch of your child's life, and point out how each and every second is harder than that of a standard issue child.
The rest should be grateful that they don't have to.
Being a single mum and working is NOT the same. You have access to wrap around care. Many disabled children do not.
The same goes for childcare. You need specialists. And if you find them, they COST.
You need an employer who is fine with you taking random days off, regularly, for appointments, meetings, health problems. And not just the cold that's doing the rounds once in a while. Regular health days. When the child is too ill,or disregulated, or just plain too tired to attend school. When they fight you to not leave the house. And you have to find an employer who is fine with finding cover at short notice.
Not everyone has that option, and not everyone wants it.
Unpaid caring is a whole life job, with 36 hours a week off. If you want or have the physical wherewithal to work, great. If you don't, then you don't.
It's nobody's business but the parents. If YOU don't like it, fucking TOUGH. You don't need to. That's a you problem.
The biggest lesson I've learned since being a parent of a disabled child, is DONT JUDGE PEOPLE. Because you have NO idea what they're going through. What you perceive is the tip of the iceberg, and the person behind the mask, and quite likely, you wouldn't want to know.
Parents should look out for each other. Not rip each other to shreds.

And what happens in school holidays ? What happens when there are medical appointments. What happens when one of the children is sick ? Looking after disabled children is a full time job in itself, so what happens when OP’s focus on her job suffers because she’s not getting enough sleep ? The lack of understanding on this thread is astounding. OP posted for advice on how to handle snarky comments from PiL who are looking at a difficult situation to which they are not contributing anything but criticism. It’s clear that we have another example of an OP who, instead of getting advice which will actually help, will inevitably be bullied off her own thread. Well done everyone.

👏👏👏. well said.

I think where op went wrong with this thread was the choice of title. It attracted all the assholes desperate to tell her she is a worthless drain on society for not working

If the OP went back to work would her son receive less benefits?
It he’d receive the same I can’t see an issue.

He receives child DLA, so unless OP was providing less caring hours, which DWP could potentially see as an ‘improvement’ then no. But it depends on whether she is also claiming other benefits which could potentially be affected. Carers allowance for example, has an earnings threshold and a minimum number of caring hours. Lots of benefits are also gateways to other things so there could be knock on effects. And having read all the OP’s posts l really don’t understand how anyone can think there isn’t an issue with her going back to work.

You are one of the most employed women in the country. Your PiL are unthinking and unkind dipsticks. Hugs for all the work you do!💐