Fed up of being treated like I am worthless and a drain on society because I don't work

[elliejjtiny]

Dh works. He used to have a well paid job but he took a pay cut so he could be more flexible for the dc who have SEN and multiple hospital appointments. I am carer to 10 year old ds who has autism and emotional development delay. He is considered "high functioning" but he receives high rate dla and he is in mainstream school with part time 1-1. This is going to be increased to full time 1-1 when he starts secondary school. In a lot of ways he is like a very intelligent toddler, especially with maths.

PIL came round today. They provide regular childcare for SIL's dc but have looked after my son probably about 5 times in the last 10 years. And never for very long. Because he is difficult. That's fine by me. But then they criticise me for not working. It's not just me,( actually they moan about me a lot less these days because they know I will argue with them and point out that they won't look after ds, school struggle with him so how am I supposed to work) , they go on and on about "people on benefits" and they assume things that are just not true like they think everyone on universal credit gets free holidays and they say the benefit system is more than generous and that people should stop moaning and get a job. Fil has been telling me with glee that one day ds won't need me to care for him and I will have to get a job. To me that's like telling a blind person that one day they will be able to see and they will have to give up their white stick. I would be more than happy to work if ds didn't need me to look after him.

I know sil thinks I should be working (although how, I have no idea) and every so often I keep thinking that maybe other people think this too. I've always said that when ds sleeps through the night I will try and go back to work part time but that hasn't happened yet.

You only get carers allowance for a child with middle or high rate for the care component dla. Google the criteria for that and have a think

Parents do not get carer's allowance for looking after their own child... they get CA for caring for a disabled child.
Do you know how much CA is? It is pathetically low.

Are you being deliberately tone deaf??

@Goodtogossip

If nobody else will, I will pull that card.

I am not as busy as the parent of a non-disabled child, I am busier.

I’m not as tired as a parent of a non-disabled child, I’m more tired.

I do work, alongside caring for his needs, but others do not have to make that choice and it is not up to you to tell them off.

Caring for someone else’s autistic child does not qualify you to judge either - because ultimately you give that child back.

It’s not your world, you don’t live in it, and you’ve no right judging those who do.

RTFT

OP isn’t taking from the pot to the extent she would be if the state had to do the caring instead of her. Some here might want to remember that. Unpaid carers save the tax payer a fortune, so the howls of ‘the taxpayer foots the bill’ doesn’t apply here. We either support disabled children and their parents or we don’t. The notion that the sixth largest world economy can’t provide or sustain a properly funded benefits system for those who need it is nonsense, peddled by successive governments who lack the political will to put things right, make sure that everyone who can work does, and look after those who genuinely can’t.

They absolutely do. Comes to something when a thread on a public forum has less empathy for the parents of disabled children than the DWP !!

Once again RTFT. You’re coming across as tone deaf and judgmental. The OP and other posters have clearly explained why working alongside caring for a disabled child is not possible for everyone. Besides DLA for her son, OP hasn’t specified whether she is claiming any other benefits (possibly carers allowance, but again not specified), so on what exactly are you basing your judgment of ‘if you're capable of working you should be working’ ? OP and unpaid carers like her are saving the tax payer a fortune by basically propping up a broken care system not fit for purpose. Direct your anger at that, rather than showing your obvious ignorance of what it actually takes from a person to be a full time carer.

For you. It's not an excuse for you.
You have zero empathy, and clearly cannot envision life for anyone else but yourself, and no idea what SEN parents might or might not have to do for their paltry carers allowance.
Caring and receiving carers allowance is classed as a job for tax and benefit purposes. For many, a 24 hour a day job. Excluding school hours, that's still around 15PENCE per hour.
For those who get to sleep, still an absolute travesty below any kind of minimum wage.
You appear to have some weird outlook where a non worker is not a worthy human. There's more to life than work. If you can't see that, that's a you problem.

Yes it’s quite shocking. Maybe they should all get second jobs as PIP assessors……

Caring for someone else’s’ child with Autism is not the same as caring for your own child with Autism. So no, you don’t understand, because you can hand that child back and have time to yourself. They’re not with you during the night, so you’re not heading into work exhausted because you’ve been trying to regulate your child all night. You’re not constantly form filling, dealing with educational needs and generally fighting and advocating for your child. Caring for a child with a disability is a full time job in itself. You don’t experience that - you have the luxury of time to yourself to recharge. OP doesn’t. There is no respite. The fact that you would come on to a public forum and comment from a position of ignorance says way more about you than it does her.

Funnily enough, she gets paid to care for someone else’s autistic child, but doesn’t see why a parent should be.

I hadn’t picked up on that, that’s even worse !! So carers allowance is fine for anyone bar the mother - who has most of the responsibility. The ignorance is on another level !!

Where did I say I was paid to look after this child? Yes I work from home, but its not in a caring role. I volunteer to care for this child to help her Mum out & to give her a bit of respite as I DO understand how hard it is for her. I also voluntarily care for an elderly relative too. I don't claim any benefits or allowances for caring for my relative as I feel it's something I should be doing. So I totally understand what it entails when you all say the Mum of a SEN child spends time doing admin, completing forms etc. I hold down two jobs AND find the time to do all of what is needed.

I have health issues myself & could probably give up work & claim PIP, & other benefits, but I chose not to as for now, I am capable of earning my own money & don't want to rely on others to pay my way.

I have every sympathy for parents with children with additional needs, however, if you all ready my first post all I was asking was why this Mum wasn't working while her child was at school.

For crying out loud, she IS working. Bloody hard. Caring for her autistic DC is WORK. Oh but I forgot, you're one of those people who thinks only paid work counts.

And it's your (frankly rather strange) choice not to claim any monies you might be entitled to, but it absolutely does not give you the right to imply others shouldn't claim what they are ENTITLED to either.

Good for you, I’m sure the people in your life are adequately applauding you.

Because she doesn’t want to, or doesn’t feel able to. Struggling with working whilst exhausted from caring for someone isn’t compulsory, it’s a choice that people don’t have to make. I hope this helps.

Well bully for you. You haven’t specified whether any of your children are disabled or not, but I suspect not because you have zero concept of the difference between looking after a child who has a disability, and one who does not. And those relying on the benefits you seem so disdainful of, do so because they need to. Disability is expensive. That’s why we have things like DLA and carers allowances. So you’re not saintly in not claiming benefits. You’re just lucky you didn’t need to.

These people are stupid and just parrot what other people say (crappy people as well). They think because they work and pay taxes they are something special. They just drag the country deeper into the mire but are too ignorant to realise it. Like the magas, their selfish, ignorant beliefs come before anything else. Rant over 😁

Wow. Saintly and sitting in judgment at the same time. What an example you are to us all.🙄

I HAVE RTFT! so please stop asking me to.

No one has answered my question about why this Mum can't work while her child is at school. Like most other Mums, we all have other things we could be doing, family admin, form filling, appointments etc but we do it anyway without having up to 6 hours free time 5 days a week!

I have two jobs, One SE so I have lots to sort for that, two children, a house to run & care for an elderly relative so effectively run two houses as I cook & clean for them. Why don't I get additional financial help from the government? Probably because I work & don't want to rely on others to support me & don't come up with excuses not to work.

Thank you, I like to think so 😜

You clearly haven't read the thread, or you'd know that OP is paid carers allowance because her DS has considerably higher care needs than your DC.

She is doing considerably more to care for him than "most other mums" would be doing.

You've hit the nail on the head by saying 'maybe she doesn't want to' It shouldn't be a choice if you're able to work then you should be working & not relying on others to support you.

If you've read the thread you'd know he's currently at school part time.

What do you want, a bloody medal?

Can’t find the link right now but I’m sure there must be a self referral form for a sainthood or maybe you can apply to have a statue of yourself in Trafalgar Square. All of us SEN parents can visit in awe