Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

11 year old dd is always tearful and wiped out after dads weekend

62 replies

Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 12:31

My 11 year old DD is asking to not go to her dads all weekend any more. She goes with her younger sister - 8 but when she comes back she is always tearful and wiped out.

I think it’s because they are busy all weekend and she hasn’t got the space to escape her sister or her dad’s partners child. New partner seems nice but her dad can be a bit of a bull in a china shop and he and dd are starting to butting heads.

At home it’s chilled and she can go and hide if she feels pissed off, tired, overwhelmed whereas at her dads it’s full on with no space for herself.

So I have to spend the first 30mins - 1hr sat chatting to her on her bed or cuddling so she feels grounded again when she gets back other wise she is in a shitty mood all day - which in turn makes my day shitty as I have to deal with it.

Requesting this of ex will go down like a bucket of cold sick 😬

OP posts:
Donotpanicoknowpanic · 08/12/2024 12:33

And I think with good cause it will go down badly

It's disgraceful of you that you want to stop a father from seeing his daughter

He obviously wants to spend with his daughter which is why he does so much with her in the weekend

Perhaps a better solution would be for him to have his daughter more so he can spread it out a bit

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 08/12/2024 12:36

What exactly would you request from your ex? Cutting contact time or asking him to slow down?

PunishmentRoundupWithJoon · 08/12/2024 12:47

Could you speak to your ex and explain how DD feels after a weekend at his place? Perhaps work out some extra chill time for her? Perhaps find a place she can go to, even for an hour, just to be alone? It sounds like she's overwhelmed.

Presumably, her dad wants her to enjoy weekends with him, so if your DD needs a little extra to facilitate this, surely he would be amenable?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds Families
Original poster
Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 12:51

PunishmentRoundupWithJoon · 08/12/2024 12:47

Could you speak to your ex and explain how DD feels after a weekend at his place? Perhaps work out some extra chill time for her? Perhaps find a place she can go to, even for an hour, just to be alone? It sounds like she's overwhelmed.

Presumably, her dad wants her to enjoy weekends with him, so if your DD needs a little extra to facilitate this, surely he would be amenable?

Thanks,

He will see it as a personal rejection and start asking her ‘ don’t you like seeing me? Don’t you love me anymore?’ He is a bit of an arse like that.

He behaves just like his parents treated him - like kids don’t have much day in anything

OP posts:
somuchtodonextyear · 08/12/2024 12:57

How does her sister get on when she's there? Is it every weekend or every other?

Soontobe60 · 08/12/2024 12:59

Maybe shes also sad that she only gets to see her dad at weekends but doesn’t know how to tell you this. How long does she actually spend there?

Sassybooklover · 08/12/2024 13:01

You are going to need to be honest with your ex. Tell him that yes of course your daughter wants to see him and spend time with him but she's feeling overwhelmed. She has no time to herself, she can't escape her sister or his partner's child either. It may be the weekend is full-on, and instead there needs to be some 'down time', where she can relax. Tell him she's coming home tearful and stressed out. Ask him how can you both, as her parents, help to make things a little easier for her. Telling him, your daughter doesn't want to stay all weekend, is going to make it sound like you've put ideas in her head, and you're stopping him from seeing her. That's going to be a red rag to a bull. So you need to word things carefully.

SapphireOpal · 08/12/2024 13:02

Do they share a room at their dad's?

Livinghappy · 08/12/2024 13:10

Is she still in Primary? At age 11 she would be deemed old enough to make decisions

Moving from regular to less frequent visits is likely to happen as she gets older so her dad may have to get used to it however I understand your difficulties, especially with an ex who isn't reasonable (and who always prioritise their needs over the children's).

It might be that this has to be done in stages, e.g could your older daughter come home a few hours earlier - perhaps for a reason such as homework, see a friend etc..or some excuse to placate her father so he doesn't take it personally.

How far apart are the houses? I tended to have to be on standby to collect my DC when time with dad got too much.

ProfessaChaos · 08/12/2024 13:14

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 08/12/2024 12:33

And I think with good cause it will go down badly

It's disgraceful of you that you want to stop a father from seeing his daughter

He obviously wants to spend with his daughter which is why he does so much with her in the weekend

Perhaps a better solution would be for him to have his daughter more so he can spread it out a bit

You appear to be unable to read.

The OP states that the DD herself has said she doesn't want to go. The OP is not stopping her going.

Anon1274 · 08/12/2024 13:15

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 08/12/2024 12:33

And I think with good cause it will go down badly

It's disgraceful of you that you want to stop a father from seeing his daughter

He obviously wants to spend with his daughter which is why he does so much with her in the weekend

Perhaps a better solution would be for him to have his daughter more so he can spread it out a bit

Where the fuck does she say she’s trying to stop him from seeing her? It’s clearly affecting her mental health, she’s coming home crying and distraught and has to be cuddled and comforted until she can decompress and process what’s just happened every single weekend. She’s begging not to have to go. And you think her dickhead father’s feelings are more important?
Op at 11yo your daughter gets a say now in where she spends her time. I think you’re going to have to tell him and just deal with the fallout. I’m sure it’ll go down like a lead balloon, but maybe put forward some suggestions about how to make life easier there for her

Anon1274 · 08/12/2024 13:16

Soontobe60 · 08/12/2024 12:59

Maybe shes also sad that she only gets to see her dad at weekends but doesn’t know how to tell you this. How long does she actually spend there?

If that was the case then why is she asking her mum if she can please spend less time there?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 08/12/2024 13:21

What's actually happening? To be so upset she needs held for over an hour it sounds high level?
Does she get more 1:1 time at home so sharing attention with 2 siblings is that too much?
How's the 8yo coping while you have this decompression time every week?

Differentstarts · 08/12/2024 13:21

Have you taken your daughter to a gp an 11 year old shouldn't get this exhausted and wiped out from a weekend of activities, if their isn't a physical problem I would suggest to her dad that he has both girls Saturday the youngest one Sunday alone and then the 11 year old in the week 1 evening so that both girls get family time and alone time

Mumof1andacat · 08/12/2024 13:27

Differentstarts · 08/12/2024 13:21

Have you taken your daughter to a gp an 11 year old shouldn't get this exhausted and wiped out from a weekend of activities, if their isn't a physical problem I would suggest to her dad that he has both girls Saturday the youngest one Sunday alone and then the 11 year old in the week 1 evening so that both girls get family time and alone time

I don't think this is because of physical activities. I would imagine she is overwhelmed by people, noise, lack of space and privacy. I would also think she feels she can't be herself as her dad would perceive it as the wrong mood to be in.

CarrotPencil · 08/12/2024 13:37

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 08/12/2024 12:33

And I think with good cause it will go down badly

It's disgraceful of you that you want to stop a father from seeing his daughter

He obviously wants to spend with his daughter which is why he does so much with her in the weekend

Perhaps a better solution would be for him to have his daughter more so he can spread it out a bit

And what about what the DD wants then? Your post is all about pleasing the dad.

WhatYouPutOutComesBack · 08/12/2024 13:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Differentstarts · 08/12/2024 13:48

Mumof1andacat · 08/12/2024 13:27

I don't think this is because of physical activities. I would imagine she is overwhelmed by people, noise, lack of space and privacy. I would also think she feels she can't be herself as her dad would perceive it as the wrong mood to be in.

Show quote history

Although I think your right because im the same i need a lot of alone time it's still important to rule out physical issues first then if that's all clear then come up with a plan with dd and dad to figure something out that works for everyone.

252833z · 08/12/2024 13:54

Poor kid.
I understand everything OP is saying.

It all makes sense as to why DC is tired and wiped, mentally, as much or more than physically.

I wouldn't suggest denying a father/daughter relationship, especially as the family sounds nice enough to you and Ex is trying to have a good visit.

I would suggest you have a talk with 'bull in a china shop' dad, who is likely just wanting the girls to have a good time and not be bored on his watch.

Every person is different, and it sounds like a compromise is needed.

Less is More sometimes, and for your one DC, that sounds like the case.

Poppinjay · 08/12/2024 13:54

I'd support them both by communicating to your ex that your DD has shared this information and it may help her to enjoy the visits more if she had a space to retreat to and some down-time. I'd remind him that this isn't about him having a right to see her but her having a right to see him so, if the visits continue to be overwhelming or he guilt-trips her for talking to you, you'll be supporting her to cut down the contact time.

It's up to him then, how he uses that information. Experience tells me that he will probably give her a hard time and she'll want to go even less but at least you'll have given him the opportunity to resolve it.

beetr00 · 08/12/2024 13:59

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 08/12/2024 12:33

And I think with good cause it will go down badly

It's disgraceful of you that you want to stop a father from seeing his daughter

He obviously wants to spend with his daughter which is why he does so much with her in the weekend

Perhaps a better solution would be for him to have his daughter more so he can spread it out a bit

I think you may need to withdraw to your shed @Donotpanicoknowpanic, in disgrace! 😞

HardenYourHeart · 08/12/2024 14:10

Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 12:51

Thanks,

He will see it as a personal rejection and start asking her ‘ don’t you like seeing me? Don’t you love me anymore?’ He is a bit of an arse like that.

He behaves just like his parents treated him - like kids don’t have much day in anything

Show quote history

Poor girl. He is totally guilt-tripping her and using her for his own amusement. I can see why he is an ex.

MarthaJonesPhone · 08/12/2024 14:19

My 2 children alternate weekends with their dad.

Both of them needed a break from each other and this way they have quality 1:1 time with their dad but also I get time alone with each child.

Its made a huge difference. Dad doesn't feel he's being pushed out and everyone is happier and calmer.

The children really enjoy planning what they're going to do with their dad on their time and their relationship with him has vastly improved.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/12/2024 14:26

How about one evening in the week for tea and one day and night at the weekend?
As children grow they may need their own space and quiet away from everyone else, I was the same but it never happened because we were a big family squished into a small house and everyone was noisy and annoying, it created long lasting problems.

Whether he likes it or not children do get a say, especially in court at her age so he can either adapt and be an emotionally mature parent, or not see her as much.

Oblomov24 · 08/12/2024 14:47

Is she year 6. At aged 11 she should be able to verbalise this bit better to you and him, and she shouldn't be so overwrought when she gets back that she needs this much attention from you, and then a shitty mood ruining the day, it's totally unacceptable. Are you babying her and pandering to her too much, allowing that last part, because that's not ok.