11 year old dd is always tearful and wiped out after dads weekend

[Usedteabag]

My 11 year old DD is asking to not go to her dads all weekend any more. She goes with her younger sister - 8 but when she comes back she is always tearful and wiped out.

I think it’s because they are busy all weekend and she hasn’t got the space to escape her sister or her dad’s partners child. New partner seems nice but her dad can be a bit of a bull in a china shop and he and dd are starting to butting heads.

At home it’s chilled and she can go and hide if she feels pissed off, tired, overwhelmed whereas at her dads it’s full on with no space for herself.

So I have to spend the first 30mins - 1hr sat chatting to her on her bed or cuddling so she feels grounded again when she gets back other wise she is in a shitty mood all day - which in turn makes my day shitty as I have to deal with it.

Requesting this of ex will go down like a bucket of cold sick 😬

How long has she been doing these weekends? How long has the partner and child been there?

My eldest is 9 and already likes her down time away from her siblings - I'm divorced but their dad doesn't have overnights right now and can imagine that's going to go down badly when it does eventually start as they'll all need to share a room so expecting similar issues OP one day.

I'd drop a mid week night - maybe even both. See how weekends go - explain to her dad puberty is right around the corner and she wants space from siblings - forcing a relationship and contact is likely to make things worse. Does she miss out on usual school friend parties and hobbies when she is at his or does he make sure she can still do them?

Could she maybe come up with a reason why she needs the downtime at his house. Perhaps there is some new year 6 “homework” of reading in a quiet room for an hour?

The OP stated that her daughter was saying she didn't want to go to her dad's! OP isn't trying to stop her from seeing him!

“My 11 year old DD is asking to not go to her dads all weekend any more”

why is it disgraceful that a mother might consider her child’s feelings?

Children's needs change as they grow older. Some men don't seem to get that - my late husband was awful as our DC got older and for the short time between him leaving our home (police involved) and him being found dead in his flat, he did not see them at all. They were 15 and 17 so fortunately got to make that decision.

Your ex is refusing to adapt to his older DD's needs. You're doing the right thing in advocating for her, ignore the handmaiden on this thread.

@Donotpanicoknowpanic

"I don't like people trying to deny parent's access to there children

The resident parent should do as much as possible to allow access to the other parent and not be trying to find excuses to stop it

There is nothing about abuse so the parent should be allowing access"

This is a child who at 11 is close to, if not at the age she can choose if she sees her dad. Her feelings trump those of her parents, she's not a library book to be passed around.

have an axe to grind @Donotpanicoknowpanic much?....

Too much focus on what dad wants.
Whatever happened to “ best interests of the child“
The child here is actually begging not to be sent to her dads for the whole weekend.
It sounds like dad is making it about himself and playing happy families. And no one, except him is happy.

OP, I think you need to tell dad that dd is not happy with the current set up. It’s too much for her with too many people, noise and no personal space. We all need space.
If he sulks, it just proves he’s a self centred dickhead.
If he’s a reasonable guy, he’ll listen and take heed.

My ex saw our kids regularly but couldn’t see that they were growing up and needed different things from him. Whether she’s 11 and in primary or secondary, she’s becoming a natural age where an hour or two in her room to do what she likes to relax eg listen to some music is how she’d like to spend her time. The younger ones could be waking earlier and loving constant activity from dawn to dusk. My ex still doesn’t see our kids as their actual age - I was texting him recently and mentioned that ds was at the pub with his friends (he’s 18) and ex was like wtf even though he knows that Ds is 18.

I suspect that your ex isn’t trying to be mean and trying to cram in what he considers as much quality time as possible while forgetting that the kids are all different ages and need different things from him. It’s easy to try and look after all the kids as a group rather than consider their individual needs because it seems like the fairest but long term, he’d ideally consider some separate time for dd too. For example he might leave dd at home and take the other 2 to the supermarket so she gets an hour at home in peace or if she doesn’t share a room at his house then a later bedtime where she can read for an extra hour or something might be in order.

Make a plan with your daughter. First I would get her to talk to her dad about how she feels, and have her request quiet time to relax.
Then if that doesn’t work you speak to him about it.

If he uses this to guilt her, then step in and make decisions for him. You have tried to solve the problem with him. Now you solve it by telling him how it is. This might mean you only drop her off on Saturday afternoon. If he picks her up on the Friday you might need to go in and get her early to get her. Or have her wait in the office.