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Original poster

11 year old dd is always tearful and wiped out after dads weekend

62 replies

Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 12:31

My 11 year old DD is asking to not go to her dads all weekend any more. She goes with her younger sister - 8 but when she comes back she is always tearful and wiped out.

I think it’s because they are busy all weekend and she hasn’t got the space to escape her sister or her dad’s partners child. New partner seems nice but her dad can be a bit of a bull in a china shop and he and dd are starting to butting heads.

At home it’s chilled and she can go and hide if she feels pissed off, tired, overwhelmed whereas at her dads it’s full on with no space for herself.

So I have to spend the first 30mins - 1hr sat chatting to her on her bed or cuddling so she feels grounded again when she gets back other wise she is in a shitty mood all day - which in turn makes my day shitty as I have to deal with it.

Requesting this of ex will go down like a bucket of cold sick 😬

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 08/12/2024 15:03

At 11 the hormones will be kicking in.
Has she started periods yet? I was ten. She needs help to manage all that. Peace and quiet, privacy, pain killers etc.

Have you had the talk with her? Does she have sanpro (what we called it when I was a Boots Saturday girl...) with her or accessible at her dad's?

Is his partner going to be amenable to helping if it starts there?

Is he even thinking about that? I remember I was mortified when mum said she'd told dad when I started - but of course he needed to understand!

How old is partner's child? If very young, dad's attention might be upsetting. If same age, rivalry could be in play. If older, might bullying be happening? If they're an older boy, could it be something else? Very broad strokes there, but it could be a factor. Some subtle investigation needed.

HPandthelastwish · 08/12/2024 15:07

You need a transition activity between houses, it's very normal for children to feel like this.

For DD I always ran her a bubble bath regardless of time of day. It helped calm her and to transition from one parent to another, then cosy clothes on and a chilled rest of the day.

JFDIYOLO · 08/12/2024 15:10

Love the idea of a transitional bubble bath! Privacy, warm, good smelling, some music, a snack, warm pjs ... How nice. Great way to wash off the weekend and regroup ready for the school week.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds Families
FiveTreeHill · 08/12/2024 15:27

Before telling him she's doesn't want to go anymore how about just saying she's 11, she's hitting puberty and is struggling with overwhelm and tiredness, could he slow down and provide her with some space

I wouldn't phrase it like he's doing anything wrong, more that DD is growing up and has new needs

Original poster
Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 16:06

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 08/12/2024 12:33

And I think with good cause it will go down badly

It's disgraceful of you that you want to stop a father from seeing his daughter

He obviously wants to spend with his daughter which is why he does so much with her in the weekend

Perhaps a better solution would be for him to have his daughter more so he can spread it out a bit

Actually he has then two nights through the week - it’s the double nights at weekend which is the issue which actually leaves them both spent - but judge on

OP posts:
Original poster
Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 16:13

Thanks for the normal responses. Chuckling at the weird ones.

It’s alternative weekends but 2 school nights per week. So they see their dad a lot - im not stopping my kids from seeing their dad 😁

That’s a great idea @HPandthelastwish - one comes in speaking at me non stop and the other one is tired, spent and weepy.

OP posts:
Beezknees · 08/12/2024 16:14

11 is old enough to choose. I decided at that age that I no longer wanted to see my dad and I'm glad I was listened to.

Original poster
Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 16:15

FiveTreeHill · 08/12/2024 15:27

Before telling him she's doesn't want to go anymore how about just saying she's 11, she's hitting puberty and is struggling with overwhelm and tiredness, could he slow down and provide her with some space

I wouldn't phrase it like he's doing anything wrong, more that DD is growing up and has new needs

I have actually tried this before - especially with the weeknight stays, it changes for a few weeks then goes back normal. He has the opinion she should just suck it up as she is the eldest of the kids

OP posts:
Donotpanicoknowpanic · 08/12/2024 16:17

Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 16:06

Actually he has then two nights through the week - it’s the double nights at weekend which is the issue which actually leaves them both spent - but judge on

Show quote history

I don't need to judge thank you

But it sounds like to me your trying to find excuses so stop a loving father having so much time with his child

Entitled much?

Original poster
Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 16:18

JFDIYOLO · 08/12/2024 15:03

At 11 the hormones will be kicking in.
Has she started periods yet? I was ten. She needs help to manage all that. Peace and quiet, privacy, pain killers etc.

Have you had the talk with her? Does she have sanpro (what we called it when I was a Boots Saturday girl...) with her or accessible at her dad's?

Is his partner going to be amenable to helping if it starts there?

Is he even thinking about that? I remember I was mortified when mum said she'd told dad when I started - but of course he needed to understand!

How old is partner's child? If very young, dad's attention might be upsetting. If same age, rivalry could be in play. If older, might bullying be happening? If they're an older boy, could it be something else? Very broad strokes there, but it could be a factor. Some subtle investigation needed.

Edited

She has recently and I’ve told him. She has plenty of Sanpro & stuff.

Partners child is similar age to my 8 year old. By all accounts they get on well - just rowdy and normal kid stuff but I think she just misses her space here

OP posts:
ProfessaChaos · 08/12/2024 16:25

@Donotpanicoknowpanic what the fuck is wrong with you?

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 08/12/2024 16:27

ProfessaChaos · 08/12/2024 16:25

@Donotpanicoknowpanic what the fuck is wrong with you?

I don't like people trying to deny parent's access to there children

The resident parent should do as much as possible to allow access to the other parent and not be trying to find excuses to stop it

There is nothing about abuse so the parent should be allowing access

Original poster
Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 16:28

Mumof1andacat · 08/12/2024 13:27

I don't think this is because of physical activities. I would imagine she is overwhelmed by people, noise, lack of space and privacy. I would also think she feels she can't be herself as her dad would perceive it as the wrong mood to be in.

Show quote history

This is exactly it. Her dad is very emotionally immature and see her needing space as a rejection of him. Plus - she always has to be the ‘role model’ because she is the eldest. It’s tiring as she is still a kid herself

OP posts:
FiveTreeHill · 08/12/2024 16:28

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 08/12/2024 16:27

I don't like people trying to deny parent's access to there children

The resident parent should do as much as possible to allow access to the other parent and not be trying to find excuses to stop it

There is nothing about abuse so the parent should be allowing access

Show quote history

She is allowing access though, it's the DD who wants to see her dad less because he can't listen to her and manage her needs properly

ProfessaChaos · 08/12/2024 16:29

@Donotpanicoknowpanic where has OP said she is not allowing access?

From what I read the DD herself has said she wants to see her dad less, and seeing him appears to make her stressed and unhappy.

Original poster
Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 16:30

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 08/12/2024 16:27

I don't like people trying to deny parent's access to there children

The resident parent should do as much as possible to allow access to the other parent and not be trying to find excuses to stop it

There is nothing about abuse so the parent should be allowing access

Show quote history

That is not happening here. He has them 2 night through the week and alternative weekends. It’s the weekends that are the issue. But you carry on …

OP posts:
BluebellCrocus · 08/12/2024 16:32

Anon1274 · 08/12/2024 13:16

If that was the case then why is she asking her mum if she can please spend less time there?

Show quote history

I think that poster has very weak comprehension skills.

Original poster
Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 16:33

SapphireOpal · 08/12/2024 13:02

Do they share a room at their dad's?

Yes. Separate ones here. My 8 year old can irritate her quite a bit. Dad comes in and 11 year old gets shouted out because ‘she should know better’

OP posts:
pinkroses79 · 08/12/2024 16:34

My experience is that children, once they get to secondary age, really need their chill out time - getting up late when they want, pottering around at home with no plans, for at least part of the weekend. Perhaps she is overwhelmed because it is just too full on, when she really rather laze around in her bedroom and not have to socialise nonstop. Same after school - school at secondary starts to get more mentally draining and she probably needs to switch off when she gets home.
If you live close by, maybe she can go later to her dad's - Saturday afternoon or something? It's in his best interests to try to make it work.

BluebellCrocus · 08/12/2024 16:35

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 08/12/2024 12:33

And I think with good cause it will go down badly

It's disgraceful of you that you want to stop a father from seeing his daughter

He obviously wants to spend with his daughter which is why he does so much with her in the weekend

Perhaps a better solution would be for him to have his daughter more so he can spread it out a bit

Bloody hell, another one with terrible comprehension skills. Before being aggressive to the OP, try reading her post twice if you struggle understanding it the first time around.

Poppinjay · 08/12/2024 16:37

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 08/12/2024 16:17

I don't need to judge thank you

But it sounds like to me your trying to find excuses so stop a loving father having so much time with his child

Entitled much?

Show quote history

It really doesn't.

You're clearly massively projecting!

Original poster
Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 16:42

pinkroses79 · 08/12/2024 16:34

My experience is that children, once they get to secondary age, really need their chill out time - getting up late when they want, pottering around at home with no plans, for at least part of the weekend. Perhaps she is overwhelmed because it is just too full on, when she really rather laze around in her bedroom and not have to socialise nonstop. Same after school - school at secondary starts to get more mentally draining and she probably needs to switch off when she gets home.
If you live close by, maybe she can go later to her dad's - Saturday afternoon or something? It's in his best interests to try to make it work.

We’ve been talking about dropping a school night to see how that goes. I think he may actually go for that as it would save him massive amounts of travel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usedteabag · 08/12/2024 16:44

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 08/12/2024 16:17

I don't need to judge thank you

But it sounds like to me your trying to find excuses so stop a loving father having so much time with his child

Entitled much?

Show quote history

And what about how my dd feels? Where does she come in this?

OP posts:
Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 08/12/2024 16:58

My dd is a similar age and although she has an older brother and sister through her dad they age 8 & 10 years older. She finds it hugely overwhelming to be in a chaotic household because home is always quiet.

Whilst she is OK at her dad's she cannot cope going to my sister's. It has caused a huge rift and I am nc with my sister as a result. My sister seems to think I am a bitch for prioritising my dds wellbeing.

I agree that stopping her going to her dad's is not the right answer. But she need to know you have her back. I would have a chat with her dad, but it needs doing in a way that she doesn't end up with him using emotional blackmail.

Does she share a room at her dad's? Is there a way he can provide some chill out space for her to escape to?

Nc929393 · 08/12/2024 16:59

Is she now recently in secondary school? And is her dad local? Just wondering because as soon as I got to secondary I started hanging out with friends at weekends during the day at the park/high street/houses. If he’s not local or if the expectation is set for her to spend all her time with him/her siblings is there any possibility that the upset is stemming from a feeling of missing out on what her friends are doing with their weekends?